Santa Claus: Anti-Union & Anti-You?

9 Dec

North Pole – December 7th, 2012

Controversy rocked the North Pole today as Santa Claus, age 52, has sold all assets regarding North Pole, Inc. to venture capitalist firm, Bain Capital.

Claus has recently come under fire after cutting the elf hourly wage to 3 cookies/per hour and recently wrote an Op-Ed for the Wall Street Journal concerning the elves attempts to unionize.

These elves, while doing great work, need to dial down their efforts to unionize or Christmas as we know it will cease to exist.  I can’t keep doing this while paying these workers ridiculous wages.  Thanks to Obamacare, I can no longer work to the best of my abilities and may have to sell the North Pole.

The Op-Ed drew fire from liberal activists and just represents another controversial statement from the man who TIME Magazine once named as “The Man Of The Year”.

In November of 2011, Claus made waves by publicly endorsing Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain citing his claim that President Obama was “destroying coal”.  In his endorsement speech, he also made the claim that President Obama did not appreciate the true meaning of Christmas which he described as “a day in which Obama believes that you should be nice to others, which is actually a testament to socialism.”

Claus’s second wife, actress Patricia Heaton, defended her husband of three years by stating that he’s simply a man that loves his jobs and his employees equally.  He just wants to earn his hard-earned money and elves should be proud that they get hospitality, food, and one day off every year.

Upon Claus’s Op-Ed, the DOW Jones went down 1.2% citing concerns over if gifts would be given this year.

But the sale of the North Pole to Bain Capital is creating fear amongst the word’s children and families who rely upon Claus to deliver happiness.

Buddy the Elf, Ambassador to the North Pole under President Obama, publicly mourned the sale of the place he once called home, in a statement released to the AP:

Christmas cheer should be loud enough for all to hear.  Unfortunately, the end must be near.

Buddy, who was the subject of a 2003 film starring Will Ferrell, has long-been the face of Christmas and his universal appeal has even had supporters calling for a potential Congressional run in the 2014 mid-term elections.  His lament over the sale to Bain Capital, led by Mitt Romney, has induced more panic as opposed to calmness.

Labor activists have determined that an “Occupy North Pole” rally will be held on Christmas Eve to protest Santa Claus and in a simple posting on their website, the ACLU stated that:

The fact that elves continue to work for next to nothing is a tragedy.

Even adding more fuel to the fire is that Santa Claus’s assets have been listed with a net worth of $800 trillion thanks to endorsement deals from Coca-Cola, various films, Macy’s, M&M’s and a host of department stores across the globe.  His assets include a sleigh made by Ford, a reindeer village in Kutztown, Pennsylvania and a staff of 1,000 elves who work year-round.

Claus has always been adamant in his support for his workers by citing that he does not discriminate amongst height, weight, gender or nationality and touts that Rudolph, a reindeer who was once owned by Michael Vick, leads his sleigh ever year; a move which earned rave reviews from animal rights activists.

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One Response to “Santa Claus: Anti-Union & Anti-You?”

  1. joed5k December 9, 2012 at 11:54 pm #

    Reblogged this on polliticstoday and commented:
    My initial foray into satire.

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