What If Jesus Came Back? And Other Questions!

10 Dec

A new feature to this blog is of course a mailbag!  Yes, almost every website has one but this one is different!  Because well, I’m writing the answers and in our initial installments; I’m writing the questions as well.  I’ll just use false names to confuse you.  However if you want to ask a question, this would be the place to do it.

Alright, so say Jesus Christ came back to Earth to see what’s up.  Maybe it’s not quite yet the Rapture but say, a holy equivalent to a checkup.  What would be the initial reaction?  Would it be skepticism?  Joy?  ANGER?  (Mike, Delaware)

Well the answer appears to be rather complex.  First off, you would have the initial skeptics that would be like “heh, I’ve seen this before; prove it!” while throwing water at him in the hopes he’d turn it into wine.  Then there would be the true believers who would just tweet idiotic hashtags such as #Jesus and horrible parody accounts would be created.  Also, Tim Tebow would finally get a chance to start.

But the initial moments would be fascinating.  Of course there’s the possibility that Jesus actually looks dare I say, MIDDLE EASTERN.  So he’d have a rough time going through TSA, probably would appear on Do Not Fly Lists, and be subjected to typical American ignorance regarding our lack of support for that region.  Some guys at Fox News would likely have awful BREAKING NEWS newsbreaks with Megyn Kelly stating “Pakistani Man Claims To Be Jesus” and Donald Trump would be demanding birth certificates while Karl Rove would be telling you this was impossible because the numbers don’t match up.

Jesus would have a very rough go of it at first, but once he broke the 100m record while walking on water and turning down several book deals and BRAVO reality shows, he’d start converting the believers into believers again.

Of course, then we’d likely have a cultural civil war.  If Jesus turned out to be ya know, okay for helping the poor and not all “GAYZ = HEATHENS”; then there would be mass pandemonium amongst the religious and non-religious folks.  There would be beliefs that would make non-believers down with him and believers a little weary.  Mike Huckabee would probably be able to score the first interview with him in which Jesus is actually a good dude.

But what if Jesus was exactly as right-wingers embodied him?  Or the opposite even?  There’d be hopes he’d run for Congress or Senate, a chance for James Inhofe to announce the Constitution has been amended for a Jesus presidential bid and people flooding his Facebook with prayer requests.  It would just be massively horrible if Jesus came back just to visit.  That’s why I imagine, of course I’m an atheist so take it for what it’s worth, that if Jesus were to come back it would be for the End of Days.

What if we found alien life, like humanoids walking and having their own language, on a planet relatively close to us?  Say the Mars Curiosity Rover finds people who were like Digletts from Pokemon on the Red Planet?  What would be the consequences?  (Macauley. Pennsylvania)

Was Jesus there?

But in all seriousness, this would probably result in another war.  Just think, there’s an ENTIRE PLANET of people doing non-Earth things.  There would be colonization attempts which would lead to wars, there would probably be new super-viruses created as our immune systems aren’t equipped for Diglett Flu and people like Papa John would try to outsource work to them to get around Obamacare.  “Ya see!!!  OBAMA never mentions something about MARS!”

It would be awful and what if the Martians wanted to come to Earth?  We’d have Tom Tancredo and Newt Gingrich advocating to build a fence around Earth so they don’t take our jobs, we’d probably try to convert them into every religion at once, and we’d be resoundingly disappointing if they were inferior to us.  Face it, if we are going to discover real aliens, we want them to be really smart.  If they were idiot mouth-breathers who looked like Rob Gronkowski trying to read Latin, we’d be so pissed.

I like Space Jam.  So say that existed in real life and we had sports reporters talking about Michael Jordan’s performance.  Would it be the most celebrated sporting achievement of all-time?  (Frank, Alabama)

Easily.  He not only produced the most dramatic second-half comeback in human/cartoon history, he also did it single-handedly with the fate of the Looney Tunes planet on his shoulders.  Skip Bayless would be unimpressed of course because evil MONSTAR Patrick Ewing never won an NBA Finals championship either but outside of him, there’d be few dissenters.  Gregg Easterbook would openly complain that we weren’t paying enough attention to the play of Wayne Knight.

Also Bill Murray would be this generation’s Moonlight Graham.  He saved the world by playing in the final 10 seconds.  Roger Goodell would ban the Monstars from competing in the NFL and plenty of concussion tests would’ve been given to the cute little mouse who got destroyed by MONSTAR Larry Johnson.

Jordan’s empire would be huger because then he could add the word “humanitarian” to his resume.

Also the game would serve as the peak in Jordan’s managerial career, he’d eventually trade Bugs Bunny to the Memphis Grizzlies for Darko Milicic.

What part of the Harry Potter World would suck the most to discover it was real?  My friends & I were have a discussion and we all kind of said Death Eaters, dementors, giants & people appariting in your room would all equally suck.  Thoughts? (Kevin, Louisiana)

Well Quidditch supporters would be up there too.  Ever hear people debate soccer?  Heck, I even kind of like soccer and I hate hearing my fellow Americans cheer for simple things such as a one-touch pass and decry ever referee as anti-Americans.  Quidditch also seems like a total upperclass sport because who the hell cares how good you are if you don’t have the best broom?  The league would be full of the Romney sons.

But the answer is clearly dementors.  Death Eaters and Voldemorts would be awful because ya know, they are evil but they are still human.  If you are magic, you can defeat a Death Eater and really outside of Bellatrix Lestrange, Voldemort & Severus Snape (well whatever he was); the Death Eaters were pretty below-average wizards & witches.  Really, the rest of them don’t offer any fear in me whatsoever.  The only thing scary about Death Eaters is the fact that you are going to go home and a Dark Mark will be over your house which would be the scariest thing ever.

Apparition is underrated in its awfulness.  You could never call in sick, though the fact is, you can still sort of set up charms to block those people out.  There is probably some type of magic that would limit that.

Giants would be forced into hard labor for low wages.  They live in mountains but could you see them unionizing and working in unison?  Nope.  You just would have to worry about one strolling through your town and we have air raids to stop them.  Not worried.

Dementors are clearly the worst.  There’s no question about it.  Can they die?  NO.  Your line of defense against a dementor is to find some REALLY happy moment and pray that it works.  What the hell could I use?  Sorry running fast times on the track could not outweigh hearing everything bad that’s ever happened to me ever.  Doesn’t that suck though?  You can’t win.  The dementors get to throw a million awful memories at you and you have to hope one happy memory can negate that.  But you don’t kill them!  They just retreat because they got scared of a white, glowing skunk or eel.

Plus every time it’s rainy, foggy or unseasonably cold you have to worry about them being in town.  It’s not like you can lock the door either, can you?  Don’t they just appear?  Plus I’d rather get Avada Kedava’d in a millisecond then being kissed by a Dementor.  Screw that.  I’d rather get the Diglett Flu.



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