Ranking The Christmas Songs

22 Dec

Who doesn’t like a good Christmas song?  Odds are, you don’t.  According to a statistic made up in my head, 85% of people hate every single Christmas song on the radio.  The other 15% are those people who voluntarily watch Christmas movies in April and May.  Jeez, I hate Christmas music and there was a time (when I was younger) where it was just amazing.  “MOM, SANTA IS COMING” and she’d have to calm me down with “Now, now, now Joey it’s not even Halloween yet” because Christmas songs start getting played after September.

But of course I had to do a power rankings of Christmas songs to show you how insufferable all of them are.

  1. Sleigh Ride
    This is the best of them all and even I enjoy the various performances of this.  It’s corny without being annoying and the instrumental version is just as good.  Also, midway through the song; I think a horse is drawn into it.  “Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up LET’S GO”.  This is the song that hyperactive new parents play with their young children and that’s fine with me.  Also, there’s the contemporary version made by Ella Fitzgerald which reminds all of the Medicare-eligible family members what CHRISTMAS USED TO BE LIKE.  You can snap to it as well.  Another positive, this could be remade into an even more awesome song called SLAY RIDE, where someone can kill people via horseback.  
  2. Jingle Bells
    It’s a classic and how many times in music class were you forced to sing this?  Fun fact from my head:  Over 60% of correspondents actually think the lyrics are “Jingle Bells, Batman smells”; seriously try to sing it right now without singing those lyrics.  IM POSS IBLE.  A real fun fact from real people, did you know that Jingle Bells was made to celebrate Thanksgiving?  Neither did I but apparently it’s true.
  3. Jingle Bell Rock
    This threatens to be #1 every year until you realize that every single young female pop-rock singer tries to sing this.  It gets ruined every year as they force some Disney pop star to sing this and play that as much on the radio.
  4. Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town
    The Jackson 5 version only.  Wait, are there any other versions to this song?  Oh, Brian Setzer sung this too?  Of course he did.
  5. The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting…)
    Your grandmother forces you to listen to this song every year.  Then your mother does and one day, you’ll be forcing little Jimmy to appreciate the true meaning of Christmas.
  6. Winter Wonderland
    It’s not quite Christmas-y enough to warrant mention but they only play this during the holidays which is a shame.  I want to hear Maroon 5 do this so the music video can involve a high speed chase with Adam Levine dressed as a department store Santa.
  7. Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree
    The only song that you can sing if you have nasal congestion and not sound any worse than the original.
  8. Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer
    Another song that does well because of the various small lyrical (LIKE A LIGHTBULB) add-ons to it that you sung when you were 5.  Also it shows that Santa doesn’t discriminate and in fact trusts this newly found reindeer to lead his sleigh.  Who did he take over for by the way?  Is Blitzen bitter?
  9. The Little Drummer Boy
    Or as the Republican Party calls it “GET A JOB POOR KID”
  10. Let It Snow!
    Sort of a Christmas song but no I don’t want snow ever.
  11. Feliz Navidad
    See how inclusive the radio is!  We allow ONE SPANISH SONG TO BE PLAYED FOR ONE MONTH A YEAR.  But only the chorus is in Spanish on American radio because of immigration I’m sure.
  12. White Christmas
    How is this beloved?  How is this the most selling single of all-time?  Maybe because it came out when FDR was President.  It sounds just like AARP.
  13. Up On The Rooftop
    Anything with onomatopoeias in it, win.
  14. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
    THERE IS NOTHING LITTLE ABOUT MY CHRISTMAS.
  15. The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
    Well it is, but I just get a bizarre image of people having to hear this on a constant loop at Macy’s to otherwise enjoy this.
  16. Baby, It’s Cold Outside
    Sorry, I cannot hear this song without thinking of how this dude is forcing this woman to stay at his home.  Dean Martin just let her go man, there will be more times where you are alone.
  17. All I Want For Christmas Is You
    How much money does Mariah Carey make every time this song is played?  I actually didn’t know this was a song before Mariah.  That should be mentioned every time this song comes on the radio.
  18. That Song Where One Relevant Artist Tries To Make A Christmas Song
    Coldplay tried, Bieber tried, The Killers keep trying; just stop.  We’ve saturated the market with Xmas music.  Unless you are Michael Buble or Josh Groban, you know BORING, you can’t make a new Christmas song.
  19. Deck The Halls
    Would be higher if anyone knew the lyrics.
  20. It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
    We are slowly reaching the worst, god I hate this song though.  Just because a DJ will always go “hehehe, it IS BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE CHRISTMAS”.  No, Christmas is a holiday at the very beginning of winter.  It never “looks like” Christmas.
  21. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
    Any recording artist over the age of 15 that sings this creeps me out.
  22. Silent Night
    Almost the most boring song of them all but not yet.  Silent Night just always involves me turning the channel.  Nothing more.
  23. Wonderful Christmastime
    Damn Paul McCartney, this song is awful.  You know he thinks he’s Burl Ives or Bing Crosby for successfully creating an annual holiday song but jeez; this is so awful.
  24. 12 Days of Christmas
    Listen to the Muppets version three times in a row to realize why I hate this song.
  25. Santa, Baby
    Great for those who like Christmas but wish there was more softcore porn involved.
  26. Silver Bells
    GOD THIS IS THE WORST.  It has the cadence of a funeral, you can run 10 miles before it reaches its end and the song has nothing to do with anything.  SILVER BELLS…..SILVER BELLS……IT’S CHRISTMAS TIMMMEEEE IN THE CITY.  Everyone that says Bing Crosby is Christmas needs to hear this song five times in a row before they realize it’s godawful.  This ruins his legacy, this is JFK’s Bay of Pigs in terms of music.  I’d rather listen to The Chipmunks Christmas than this.
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