Every now and then, I see a status on my Facebook newsfeed and I wonder “how the hell am I friends with this person?” and then you remember some hazy high school memory of you two suffering in a Math class. As desperately as you want to delete them, you start feeling guilty as your cursor hovers over ‘Unfriend’. “Will they notice?” “What if I run into them?” “Why do I feel guilty?”.
Also, why the hell is it so hard to unfriend someone? I want a giant RED X above a person’s profile picture and then an imaginary guillotine falls down and the page turns white for a second. I’d love that. In fact I’d love it so much that I’d end up deleting everyone I ever knew and would add strangers just so I could imaginarily decapitate them from my friends list. But instead you have to go on someone’s profile, remember your password, go through two confirmation screens and then look at some weird word jumble that’s impossible to decipher. Screw that, it’s not worth eliminating this person anymore.
But if you can figure out how to unfriend someone, HOW DO YOU go about it? Who makes the cut and who doesn’t? This is for you.
Any family member makes the cut. That’s easy. You can’t cut Mom even if she is still one of five people left that plays Farmville or falls for every spam request. You can’t delete your sister even if she’s grown up and only updates her status every eighteen weeks. Uncle Bob (is every person named Robert in America destined to be an Uncle by the way? Who DOES NOT have an Uncle Bob?) when he awakens from a drunk stupor has to stay too even though he talks wayyyy too much about how guns are an American right. Again with Uncles, why does every family have two or three conspiracy minded members? Is there a normal Thanksgiving dinner that goes by without someone inadvertently (or intentionally) mentioning how 9/11 is a mainstream media fabrication? I guess that’s why there are crazy Uncles.
Close friends and current relationship loved ones stay. If you have to wonder if someone is a close friend, then they aren’t a close friend. Even though every friend group has a friend that’s only sad when they are online. Why is that? How come I have to wait through an entire day before someone posts a status at night saying “I LOVE MY FRIENDS!”; why didn’t I get the memo? Either that or they aren’t thankful for my friendship which is understandable considering I’m not a person you want to associate with publicly. “Oh Joe, he’s….nice and all, but he tends to alarm me”.
Former flames stay for approximately one year depending on relationship. If it was a heavy deal, you are obligated to keep them on. If it was a fling, you show all your friends their profile and lie about the time you spent together. “Oh you see her, yeah we celebrated our four-week anniversary in a hot air balloon while BANGING to the greatest Maroon 5 mixtape EVER”. Then you cry realizing that’s the most creative story you could come up with.
Former teachers are cool. Partly because they were the voice of reason in a class of awfulness or they like everything you do so if you deleted them it would hurt their feelings. Thankfully all my teachers were hip because they are on Facebook before 2011.
Teammates stay until four years after you graduate. If you forget them when visiting on alumni weekend, then you can feel free to delete them. They won’t realize it anyway. I can’t wait in four years to start doing this. “You don’t respect me?!? I am 28 and slugging KeystoneNattyCoorsBusch LIGHT with you. You must bow down to me! Do you even know my 8k PR?”.
Is that high school crush still hot? Well odds are you will keep them anyway. Studies, the one done in my brain, show that if you find someone hot you will keep them for that sole reason. If you are single you find yourself saying “Well it’s been four years since we graduated but she’ll like my status about how EVERYONE loves Apple products….right?”.
This space is reserved for those you are on the fence about. Some people, even ones you don’t really talk to, are worth keeping for sheer entertainment value. I have kept the same dude as a friend because he’s always fighting with people he tags in posts. Facebook fights are better than Maury. People don’t hold back and while you can talk fast, you can take your sweet time coming up with comebacks on the internet. I love it. I always text every person I know when a good fight is ongoing.
CRUSHING WEIGHTS GUY: Believe it or not, I’m pro-gym person. I brag about getting Bs in easy gen ed courses, so I have no problem when people boast about a new bench press weight. Weight lifters always stay until they start posting progress pictures every hour. I get the whole once a month deal, but I hate seeing the same people in the same gray sleeveless tank going “SWOLE! HUSKY! BIG! GNC!” every hour. Then all of their newly discovered gym rats going “dude, YOU ARE THERE….IN ANOTHER FOUR-TO-SIX WEEKS YOU’LL BE….PROTEIN!!!!!!!!”.
P90X: Yes, this is different than weight lifting. P90x people are either tiny girls who are on a New Years resolution or these guys. “DOOD DUBSTEP! JUST STARTED INSANITY! FEELING MY ABS! LETS WEAR TANK TOPS AND HAVE BRAH-MANCES SO PEOPLE KNOW WE LOVE EACH OTHER IN A TOTALLY STRAIGHT WAY! MONSTER ENERGY DRINKS!”, all these people definitely played Lacrosse and are permanently pictured online with red cups or at highlighter parties. They never so bro either just brah.
DRAMA!: Any obscure lady that posts a status going “Sick of the drama! I will rise above!” are in denial and also worth unfriending. Also been known to Instagram every picture they take with ample cleavage. Always in black and white too. Why is that filter so popular? I blame Beyonce because she lip synched.
Conspiracy Dude: “Uhmm, do you guys really believe that the Japanese tsunami happened? hahaha, such sheep blaming the mainstream media. Actually this former professor from Edinboro University stated that tsunamis are a figment of your imagination and Japan COINCIDENTALLY is surrounded by water, making a tsunami easy to fake. That professor was fired for those comments. IS OBAMA SCARED OF THE TRUTH? WAKE UPPPPP”. If any conspiracy-minded person tells you to Wake Up, then you have my permission to steal all their Peeps during Easter.
Faux Political Scientist: “Eye donut vote becuz CORRUPTION” “Pshh, Obama only won because of black people” “STAY AWAY FROM MY GUNS OBAMA”. All these people deserve a kick and a delete.
BABY: Babies are cute. I get it. I mean puppies are better but I am down with an Instagram’d pic of a baby’s first smile. But then you get the progress report people. “Little Jayden (always named Jayden, Jaden or something that’s kind of Irish) is reading a book upside down! Now he just blinked! Man, he’s really starting to find little adventures in the smallest things!”. Thankfully Facebook is better than real life where you have to comment on the baby pictures. Now, it’s perfectly acceptable to ignore them.
Like My Status If…: If you are over 15 and still do this, well maybe you can just deactivate your Facebook and save me the time. I don’t want to like your status so you can write a “you’re funny, we need to catch up!” on my wall even though you are perfectly aware that we never hung out. Man I hate that these things exist, it reminds me of those awful surveys people used to do on MySpace when people needed to compliment people. Haven’t we passed that point yet in our existence? Still hoping.
Birthday People: Here is the easiest barometer to determine if you can get rid of this person. If its their birthday and you ignore it, then you can ignore them on Facebook completely too. I wish people would complain on people’s walls if they didn’t get a Happy Birthday post. I love my birthday solely because of Facebook. I like people being like “JOEEEE, I hope this day is AWESOME for you” and then I lure them into conversation so they like me. Once I wrote “get some” under a girl’s post that I never spoke to. Felt so controversial and unhinged! Loved it!