Archive | January, 2013

When Do You Delete A Facebook Friend? Some Advice!

29 Jan

Every now and then, I see a status on my Facebook newsfeed and I wonder “how the hell am I friends with this person?” and then you remember some hazy high school memory of you two suffering in a Math class.  As desperately as you want to delete them, you start feeling guilty as your cursor hovers over ‘Unfriend’.  “Will they notice?” “What if I run into them?” “Why do I feel guilty?”.

Also, why the hell is it so hard to unfriend someone?  I want a giant RED X above a person’s profile picture and then an imaginary guillotine falls down and the page turns white for a second.  I’d love that.  In fact I’d love it so much that I’d end up deleting everyone I ever knew and would add strangers just so I could imaginarily decapitate them from my friends list.  But instead you have to go on someone’s profile, remember your password, go through two confirmation screens and then look at some weird word jumble that’s impossible to decipher.  Screw that, it’s not worth eliminating this person anymore.

But if you can figure out how to unfriend someone, HOW DO YOU go about it?  Who makes the cut and who doesn’t?  This is for you.

KEEP:

Any family member makes the cut.  That’s easy.  You can’t cut Mom even if she is still one of five people left that plays Farmville or falls for every spam request.  You can’t delete your sister even if she’s grown up and only updates her status every eighteen weeks.  Uncle Bob (is every person named Robert in America destined to be an Uncle by the way?  Who DOES NOT have an Uncle Bob?) when he awakens from a drunk stupor has to stay too even though he talks wayyyy too much about how guns are an American right.  Again with Uncles, why does every family have two or three conspiracy minded members?  Is there a normal Thanksgiving dinner that goes by without someone inadvertently (or intentionally) mentioning how 9/11 is a mainstream media fabrication?  I guess that’s why there are crazy Uncles.

Close friends and current relationship loved ones stay.  If you have to wonder if someone is a close friend, then they aren’t a close friend.  Even though every friend group has a friend that’s only sad when they are online.  Why is that?  How come I have to wait through an entire day before someone posts a status at night saying “I LOVE MY FRIENDS!”; why didn’t I get the memo?  Either that or they aren’t thankful for my friendship which is understandable considering I’m not a person you want to associate with publicly.  “Oh Joe, he’s….nice and all, but he tends to alarm me”.

Former flames stay for approximately one year depending on relationship.  If it was a heavy deal, you are obligated to keep them on.  If it was a fling, you show all your friends their profile and lie about the time you spent together.  “Oh you see her, yeah we celebrated our four-week anniversary in a hot air balloon while BANGING to the greatest Maroon 5 mixtape EVER”.  Then you cry realizing that’s the most creative story you could come up with.

Former teachers are cool.  Partly because they were the voice of reason in a class of awfulness or they like everything you do so if you deleted them it would hurt their feelings.  Thankfully all my teachers were hip because they are on Facebook before 2011.

Teammates stay until four years after you graduate.  If you forget them when visiting on alumni weekend, then you can feel free to delete them.  They won’t realize it anyway.  I can’t wait in four years to start doing this.  “You don’t respect me?!?  I am 28 and slugging KeystoneNattyCoorsBusch LIGHT with you.  You must bow down to me!  Do you even know my 8k PR?”.

Is that high school crush still hot?  Well odds are you will keep them anyway.  Studies, the one done in my brain, show that if you find someone hot you will keep them for that sole reason.  If you are single you find yourself saying “Well it’s been four years since we graduated but she’ll like my status about how EVERYONE loves Apple products….right?”.

UNFRIEND:

This space is reserved for those you are on the fence about.  Some people, even ones you don’t really talk to, are worth keeping for sheer entertainment value.  I have kept the same dude as a friend because he’s always fighting with people he tags in posts.  Facebook fights are better than Maury.  People don’t hold back and while you can talk fast, you can take your sweet time coming up with comebacks on the internet.  I love it.  I always text every person I know when a good fight is ongoing.

CRUSHING WEIGHTS GUY:  Believe it or not, I’m pro-gym person.  I brag about getting Bs in easy gen ed courses, so I have no problem when people boast about a new bench press weight.  Weight lifters always stay until they start posting progress pictures every hour.  I get the whole once a month deal, but I hate seeing the same people in the same gray sleeveless tank going “SWOLE!  HUSKY!  BIG!  GNC!” every hour.  Then all of their newly discovered gym rats going “dude, YOU ARE THERE….IN ANOTHER FOUR-TO-SIX WEEKS YOU’LL BE….PROTEIN!!!!!!!!”.

P90X:  Yes, this is different than weight lifting.  P90x people are either tiny girls who are on a New Years resolution or these guys.  “DOOD DUBSTEP!  JUST STARTED INSANITY!  FEELING MY ABS!  LETS WEAR TANK TOPS AND HAVE BRAH-MANCES SO PEOPLE KNOW WE LOVE EACH OTHER IN A TOTALLY STRAIGHT WAY!  MONSTER ENERGY DRINKS!”, all these people definitely played Lacrosse and are permanently pictured online with red cups or at highlighter parties.  They never so bro either just brah.

DRAMA!:  Any obscure lady that posts a status going “Sick of the drama!  I will rise above!” are in denial and also worth unfriending. Also been known to Instagram every picture they take with ample cleavage.  Always in black and white too.  Why is that filter so popular?  I blame Beyonce because she lip synched.

Conspiracy Dude:  “Uhmm, do you guys really believe that the Japanese tsunami happened?  hahaha, such sheep blaming the mainstream media.  Actually this former professor from Edinboro University stated that tsunamis are a figment of your imagination and Japan COINCIDENTALLY is surrounded by water, making a tsunami easy to fake.  That professor was fired for those comments.  IS OBAMA SCARED OF THE TRUTH?  WAKE UPPPPP”.  If any conspiracy-minded person tells you to Wake Up, then you have my permission to steal all their Peeps during Easter.

Faux Political Scientist:  “Eye donut vote becuz CORRUPTION” “Pshh, Obama only won because of black people” “STAY AWAY FROM MY GUNS OBAMA”.  All these people deserve a kick and a delete.

BABY:  Babies are cute.  I get it.  I mean puppies are better but I am down with an Instagram’d pic of a baby’s first smile.  But then you get the progress report people.  “Little Jayden (always named Jayden, Jaden or something that’s kind of Irish) is reading a book upside down!  Now he just blinked!  Man, he’s really starting to find little adventures in the smallest things!”.  Thankfully Facebook is better than real life where you have to comment on the baby pictures.  Now, it’s perfectly acceptable to ignore them.

Like My Status If…:  If you are over 15 and still do this, well maybe you can just deactivate your Facebook and save me the time.  I don’t want to like your status so you can write a “you’re funny, we need to catch up!” on my wall even though you are perfectly aware that we never hung out.  Man I hate that these things exist, it reminds me of those awful surveys people used to do on MySpace when people needed to compliment people.  Haven’t we passed that point yet in our existence?  Still hoping.

Birthday People:  Here is the easiest barometer to determine if you can get rid of this person.  If its their birthday and you ignore it, then you can ignore them on Facebook completely too.  I wish people would complain on people’s walls if they didn’t get a Happy Birthday post.  I love my birthday solely because of Facebook.  I like people being like “JOEEEE, I hope this day is AWESOME for you” and then I lure them into conversation so they like me.  Once I wrote “get some” under a girl’s post that I never spoke to.  Felt so controversial and unhinged!  Loved it!

 

 

Your Major Sucks: A Look On What Makes You Awful

28 Jan

Today is the first day of classes for the spring semester and I’m feeling pretty happy about my chances for academic success.  Nothing beats the first day of school even though it’s awful to train your body to sit through lectures about subjects you are prepared to forget about.  As awful as classes can be, there is such a renewed sense of optimism on the first day.  I always catch myself paying apt attention to the professor talking about the syllabus and nodding my head furiously when they discuss faraway things such as examinations and projects.  “If I nod quickly, they can tell that I’m all-business, no play….no napping for this gentleman!”

By next week, I’ll end up being a horrifically bad procrastinator but I’m willing to sacrifice the next 17 weeks for one week of academic pleasure.

However, the worst thing about school is not your studies but other people’s.  In college, every single student is intertwined with each other and you’ll hear the constant complaining and moaning of every single student in every single major.  Yes, all majors (and I mean it ALL MAJORS) require a lot of work and to succeed you definitely have to make some concessions.  This piece isn’t intended to rip apart everyone and make you feel like crap.  But odds are, you will be annoyed (“hey, I’M NOT LIKE THIS) and this piece will hit close to home.  For others, you hopefully will laugh.

So let’s take a look at why you suck.

ACCOUNTING:  How’d I forget this one in the original draft?  Oops.  Anyway, Accounting is not quite Business and it’s not quite Math but it’s all superiority.  I had to take an Accounting class and it blew, so credit to those that I get off on things such as “assets” and “liquidation”.  However, it takes a certain special person to really think their accounting expertise is going to make them the Maestro of Magnificence.  Every now and then, I’ll hear in one of my classes an Accounting major talking about how America is screwed because of the deficit.  Just a quick heads-up, no one has ever cared about the debt and it’s been a 200+ year debate.  Also the whole “kicking the can down the road” metaphor is annoying and is also the answer to what our grandchildren will do and what our great-great-great grandchildren will do.  Please, your not a deficit hawk and if you aspire to be an Auditor; be prepared to be scoffed at.

ART:  If art majors could win a prize it would be “MOST MISUNDERSTOOD”.  Ever talk about classes with an art student?  If not, DON’T.  Avoid at all costs like it’s the flu.  Art majors constantly walk around with a chip on their shoulder and will instantly make you regret talking to them about school.  “Oh, you do book work?  What pleasure DO YOU GET from that?  I just stayed up for 48 hours straight on nothing but Adderall and ramen noodles and I still haven’t gotten anything done yet”.  Then if you compliment them on your work they’ll instantly turn it down.  “Yeah, I’m awful at art so….”.  Never talk to art majors unless it’s absolutely needed.

BUSINESS:  Business majors are always thought to be the ones that will later be the wealthy ones.  This is rarely the case as more than half of the business majors in the world are BROS who think the Federal Reserve is some great conspiracy to cost everyone money.  Never befriend a business major as they treat everything like Wall Street and will always laugh behind your backs at every mistake you made.  Other majors are much more upfront about why you suck, but business majors do it in a total sociopathic way.  Also, most of them are idiots that took business class because they think it’s the final missing piece to their future of megabucks.  “Ohh, they’ll learn to regret laughing at my idea of the self-typing computer after I make my first quadrillion”.

COMPUTER SCIENCE:  Smart kids who were never taught how to function properly as a human.  More than likely will buy Norton’s Anti Virus if their is a major flu going around.  Also, will be very dismissive when discussing anything.  You know how there are two types of nerds?  There are the cool ones that just love the things they love down to an obsession and then there are the ones that correct you on the most inane errors.  “ACT-CHOO-ALI it was Issue Number 47 of Batman in which Robin first sneezed….”  Those are the kids that do computer science.

CRIMINAL JUSTICE:  Probably the most misunderstood.  Criminal Justice is a deeper field than most would expect as it’s not just future troopers in training to pull over teenagers going 50 in a 45.  Nonetheless, criminal justice is a funny major.  Half of them are probably more creative and smarter than you think (forensics are cool) but the other half are the meatheads who get instant gratification by putting a 10-year old in a headlock.  Tread carefully.

EDUCATION:  This major will always alarm you because you imagine your Natty Light chuggin’, chain smokin’, procrastinatin’ dorm-mate in charge of little kids.  “You are going to teach?!?  Now I know where not to move in the future” is a common phrase non-education majors make.  Fun fact:  You don’t know half of your friends are education majors until they start student teaching.  “Oh wait, you actually do something at college?”.  I always catch myself going “Hey, where is so-and-so?” and someone tells me that they are at some middle school fifty miles away watching another dude talk about George Washington to a room of innocent ten-year olds.  Also, these education majors love to walk back to their house in their teaching clothes even though they had ample time to change just so they can always act like they are in a rush and better than you.  I hate professional attire.

ENGLISH:  “You had to buy 5 books?  I had to buy 1,000 books on Shakespeare and Oxford commas THANKYOUVERYMUCH”.  English majors never take breaths in-between sentences.  It’s been noted that 95% of asthmatic youths never go into English.  The professors are always up their own ass too when discussing how you need to apply yourself 10x more in their class if you want to get a D.  “If you expect this class to be easy, I’m sad to tell you that you will have a very rough semester”.

HISTORY:  I wanted to be a history major for a bit, then I realized that I’d probably have to get into education to do that.  It’s funny how history classes in college work as they dismantle every nice thing you thought about our Forefathers.  “George Washington owned slaves.” then you have to teach children how that’s not really relevant because he “never told a lie and was a GOOD MAN.”  Also history majors have weird fetishes when it comes to wars and genocides.  Ever notice that?

MATH:  The worst of the worst.  Is there anything worse than a math major?  That includes Calculus, Trigonometry or any other class you definitely didn’t do.  All math majors are the most dismissive people to your face.  “You are struggling with Accounting?  Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha. Try taking ancient Calculus 101 and instead of using a calculator, you had to use a sun dial”.  It doesn’t help matters when you are struggling over Intro to College Algebra and they take a dramatic pause (because you know, they took such advanced math that 1+1×0 is like remembering some memory when they were 3) and then proceed to do it in five seconds.  Then they dumb it down for you so you can understand.  Also, math majors are under the impression that once they graduate they will be the ONLY people in America to be rich because it’s a “real major where you learn real things.  NUMBERS NEVER LIE”.  Enjoy your desk job in five years.

PHILOSOPHY:  “All society really is?  A continuous oligarchic vacuum that sucks in the weak ones”.  Every philosophy major is one who thinks they are smarter than actual philosophers.  All a philosophy major really, deep down, is a contrarian that will take the opposite side of anything just to be difficult.

POLITICAL SCIENCE:  Thanks to my love of politics, this was what I deep down want to be.  But god, have you ever met them?  These are the people that call themselves “independents” or “moderates” because that makes them smarter than you for not belonging to any party.  They dismiss any opinion that you have and talk about how much they hate politics because they all lie.  REALLY?  POLITICIANS LIE TO GET VOTES?

PSYCHOLOGY:  Fun fact:  Every single psych major is a person you do not want to confide your secrets to and help solve your problems.  Another fun fact, no one stays as a Psych major for more than a minute.  It’s literally the sequel to “Undeclared” or the prequel to “Sociology”.

SCIENCE:  This quantifies every single person that takes Bio, Chem, Marine Science, Anatomy, Geology, Astronomy or Taxidermy.  Never complain about signing up for classes with a science person?  “Ummm, you realize I can only take this lab Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday at Midnight to 6am.”  Science people, much like math majors, are trapped in a bubble thinking that greater success lies in the sciences.  Look, science has a bunch of cool stuff.  It’s basically how we learn things and disprove myths.  In fact, they SHOULD be cocky.  But let’s be real, you aren’t curing cancer nor discovering cold nuclear fusion.

SPORT…ANYTHING:  How could I possibly do this piece and not crap on my own major?  Yes, I take Sport Management and I’m fully aware that most coaches don’t have a coaching degree.  I also realize most gym owners are business majors who liked P90X as a sports background.  Sport agents have a wide variety of law backgrounds.  Gym teachers have to do physical education.  But let’s be real, never tell anyone you are a Sport Management major as they will go “oohh, that sounds…interesting/cool/fun”.  If anyone says your major sounds “like fun”, it’s the worst thing in the world.  I mean it too.

WRITING:  I took a writing class because naturally I love writing.  But these are fascinating folks.  All of them are pretty creative (if self-centered) students who are never completely prepared.  Yet they are completely organized.  They even schedule their time to procrastinate!  Half of my class showed up twice a month and the other half didn’t say a word all year.  Yet most of them did well.

Worse Teammate: Ray Lewis or Rudy?

26 Jan

I could care less about the Super Bowl this year, and if I wasn’t an NFL fan; I would be glad to get away from this “Harbowl” but alas, I must watch.

Nonetheless if there is one good thing about this Super Bowl it’s the fact that Ray Lewis will be playing in his last game.  Nothing makes me smile more this week than knowing that I can officially count down until he is making awful pregame predictions on ESPN.  I can see it already though, Ray Lewis making “inspirational” speeches to tie it in to some awful media contrived story line.

“NOW LET ME TELL YOU TIM TEBOW.  NO ONE LIKES YOU RIGHT NOW.  HELL, I HATE YOU.  BUT GOD TOLD ME TO LIKE YOU SO RAY AND GOD BLESS YOU.  NOW TAKE THAT BALL AND….:proceeds to do pregame dance…finishes: PRAISE THE LORD”

As of right now, there is no more annoying person in the news than Ray Lewis.  Yes, he’s worse than Lance Armstrong, Manti Te’o, Lennay Kekua, John Boehner, Donald Trump, Alex Jones and Piers Morgan combined.  

I like to pride myself on my sports fanhood and I can’t for the life of me think of someone I would want to least have in my locker room than Ray Lewis.  While this makes me seem like a bitter contrarian, can you really give me one reason why he’s a good presence?  Tell me what a quickly aging and injured linebacker does for a team?  Has a pregame dance ever won a game for someone?  Have you ever been inspired by a guy who finds the nearest camera and starts yelling Bible verses like they are states Howard Dean needs to win?  

I must confess, I’m the bare minimum of a collegiate athlete in its broadest definition.  I run D2 cross country & track and I am more than aware of its popularity compared to, I don’t know, every sport not named polo.  Yet, being on a team makes you realize which personalities are just awful to be around.

Ray Lewis is one of them.  Ray Lewis is the senior on a team who has mailed it in except for when the coach is around or a potential interviewer.  One moment they will be talking about how they haven’t lifted in a week because CIROC CIROC CIROC and then the moment the team gets yelled at, they make a speech to tell YOU how you are ruining the integrity of a team.  Ray Lewis is also the guy who has every accomplishment in the book (Super Bowl ring, multiple All-Pro honors, likely first-ballot HOF’er, dropped charges) and you can’t say anything about them even though they are insufferable to be around.  

However, you then have to read countless puff pieces about them and how they “BRING GOOSEBUMPS” because of their very public “love of the game”.  You have to see them miss easy tackles but get a free pass because “man, you can tell it just really kills him to miss that!”.  Even when Ray Lewis gets owned by younger players, he’s still the better man.  He won’t let you forget that either.

But when thinking about people who would be awful to be around, Rudy has to be up there.  Yes, Rudy from Notre Dame and the same guy who had the movie after him that also made me tear up.  The story is nice and all, even if it was completely and utterly dismantled by Hollywood execs, but does anyone really want to be teammates with Rudy?

Anyone that played a sport also know that there is no one worse who plays with a permanent chip on their shoulder.  You know the guy who SLAYS the warm-up and sprints every drill because “well golly, I GOT HEART”.  You can’t crap on the guy in public either because then you just look like the overprivileged first-stringer who doesn’t UNDERSTAND what its like to be short, fat, and slow and play against the best athletes in the D1 football.  The story of Rudy is for people who don’t like sports or think that Notre Dame football is some higher power than any other corrupt, tasteless D1 program.  

I hope the 49ers win for the simple sake of seeing Ray Lewis not go out with a bang.  I want to see Frank Gore truck him at the 1 yardline for the go-ahead score.  I want Randy Moss to do his lame pre-game dance after burning Ed Reed for a TD.  I want Colin Kaepernick to purposely stay in-bounds to stiff-arm Ray Lewis and then praise God for allowing him to do that.

 

Please let it happen.

The Best & Worst Things About Kutztown University

19 Jan

UPDATE:  YO THIS IS LIKE TWO YEARS OLD.  READ THE NEW ONE RIGHT HERE

UPDATE #2:  Here’s some other links you might find interesting since I’m now popular for a day.  Here’s why your major sucks and best yet, here’s my graduation speech for those who want something mildly serious and less caps lock.  Also let’s be friends, add me on Twitter @JoeD10k.  Just cause.

I go to Kutztown University and to be fair, I genuinely love it.  In fact, I encourage all of my friends who actually exist (NO CATFISH FRIENDS FOR ME) to come here because even with all the soybean fields, I love it here.

That being said, there are just some awful things about Kutztown University that need changing ASAP.  I’m not talking about bulldozing South Dining Hall and making it a giant White Castle (DO IT) but some small contemporary bits we can do to make sure that everyone who comes here, never leaves.

  1. Hills.  Why is half the campus uphill while none of the campus downhill?  Half the time I’m walking to class I feel like I’m trying to climb Mount Vesuvius with a plastic knife.  I know, I know, terrain can’t be changed but there has to be some type of escalator/conveyor belt technology we can bring to Berks County.  Oh and god forbid there is ever wind here which IS ALWAYS.  Ever walk through Dixon Hall on a windy day and instantly expect to be transported into an alternate dimension?  Then you see the tree-walkers and are convinced that you are in said dimension?  INCEPTION.
  2. Why is there a white tent on the DMZ once every, say, four months?  I’m the type of idiot that sees a white tent and tells everyone that’s in ear shot “OOHH, there could be candy!  What mystery is under this said tent?” only to find out that Phi Beta Alpha Sigma Epsilon Natty Ice is handing out free Frisbees that never float then telling you “BRAH JOIN US, I PLAYED LACROSSE IN HIGH SCHOOL”.  That white tent is such a tease though because idiot students, such as myself, are always gravitated to it.
  3. Can we all work together and get all of our RateMyProfessor rankings to look like each other?  How come every professor, not named O’Boyle, has like a 3 overall rating because they are “too hard but nice!”.  What the hell does that even mean?  Will they write my Fs with a giant smile and give me extra credit for trying hard?  Are all teachers Jon Gruden mixed with Remus Lupin?  Also, have you ever been told to take O’Boyle?  “HE CURSES A LOT, LIKE US!”.  I swear every KU student has been accosted by a friend for not picking him.   Another thing, why is it that 2/5 professors use D2L?  That’s been around for almost four years now; I know we hate giving up our traditions but is it that hard to upload stuff?  Teaching sucks probably, don’t get me wrong, because they have to deal with things like budget negotiations (which never are going well, even when a deal is made), numerous classes and grading multiple papers all the time but still…..
  4. The shuttle bus.  God, I hate the shuttle bus and I don’t know why.  But I have this theory that has yet to be unproven.  Every weekend night, the shuttle bus goes around and it’s of course filled to capacity with a bunch of people giving blank stares at one another.  However, I have yet to see the shuttle bus stop and drop those people off which makes me believe that the shuttle bus is just another hoax by Manti Te’o.  The shuttle bus permanently does the same route with actors on board and the government is DOING IT ON PURPOSE BECAUSE OF GUNS.
  5. Give it up, the top of Main Street is the worst place for food.  Sal’s, Two Fat Guys, Uncle Joe’s, Hall & Oates, you will never make it.  The top of Main Street is such a tease because it’s right next to campus but, no one will go there.  People are too tired to walk to Main Street when they have South Dining Hall and if it’s a weekend, everyone will end up going to Mama’s or Spuds.  No one wants to walk all the way up Main Street once they are down there, it’s not Diagon Alley or the Magic Kingdom.
  6. Mark my words, every semester you will have one professor who begins each year by making a joke about their poor handwriting.  “HAR HAR well if you can understand hieroglyphics, you can read my writing!”.
  7. Bear Fest is a total let down minus the pudding slide and undie run.  Which I never do anyway.  But I want fun.  Like the Holy Book says “If you puteth a white tent, you must bringeth the fun”; well that’s at least what the Newest Testament says.  Nonetheless, I don’t want a glow stick party, what the hell is that?  I want some B-list music artist like Domo Genesis, Steve Aoki or American Hi-Fi to come.  I’m sure if you give them $5 in Bear Bucks, they’ll take it.
  8. Every year the Rick Santorum campaign, I mean pro-lifers come to the Academic Forum and protest about abortion and gay marriage.  Then, predictably, some wide-eyed philosophy major or something gets the idea of “HEY, WE ARE GOING TO TAKE THIS MAN ON BECAUSE THATS WHAT YOUNG OPEN-MINDED PEOPLE DO” and try to start a student-led revolution, while I’m trying to make it to Lytle in one piece.  Hey, I’m a pretty politically in-tune loony liberal as well; but c’mon, resist.  If they get your attention, they actually win.  If you really want to piss them off, wear a Mark Sanchez jersey, get lost eight times on the way to class yet somehow stay in front of them.  That will bring up bad memories.
  9. When the weather gets nice, it’s awesome.  Yet there is always one dude who blasts some dubstep in front of the Dining Hall in front of the trapezoid that is filled with rope walkers, hula hoopers, flame throwers and Zubats.  Dubsteppers are the worst of all people, because they are permanently under the illusion that they will somehow stumble upon a talent agent who is looking for some good eats at South and will get a record contract.
  10. High school tours are the worst.  There is literally nothing worse than waking up in Dixon Hall, gazing out your window and seeing a horde of 90 high schoolers in matching uniforms going to the dining hall.  You are screwed.

But that’s just the worst, there are clearly some things that make Kutztown awesome.

  1. Pet Therapy Day is great.  The dogs are somehow not that lovable, they just put up with being pet which is kind of a let down, but there was a camel this year.  How crazy is that?  There’s also always an animal that is clearly drugged (I’m looking at you rooster) and one that is this close to a rampage.  My goal here is to be there when a rogue billy goat unleashes terror upon the campus.  Also, animals are cool.  Every Tuesday should be Pet Therapy Day, not just during Finals Week.
  2. Having a Rita’s on campus is oddly awesome because it’s open year-round.  I just am waiting the first day of Spring when the line from Dixon Marketplace goes all the way to Fleetwood.  They better do free ices.
  3. Going back to the whole warm weather thing, there is no place better than Kutztown when we have an unseasonably hot day.  People crawl out of their dorms in shock and awe “What is this mystical orb in the sky that rains down heat upon my soul?” and no one knows what to do.  Girls walk to classes wearing only push-up bras while bros whip out their best TAP OUT shirt.  Meanwhile, sun bathers attempt to not get hit by rogue frisbees and there’s always a kid on the DMZ who is friendless but shirtless.    Which is a serial killer combo.
  4. Towards the end of the year, the white tent actually lives up to its awesomeness.  Last year, there was Dippin’ Dots.  That’s it.
  5. Ever sit in the Dining Hall for way too many hours?  Just me?  Oh well, that’s an underrated part of the KU experience.  I like to say that the real dining experience comes when the cleaning staff of KU starts putting up all the chairs but you remain seated to get that last 3 millimeter bowl full of jello.  Why are those bowls so small anyway?  It’s roughly the same size as a syringe.
  6. The first week of class is roughly 20 minutes long.  It goes downhill from there, but if you get released from class early during the school year; it’s like successfully robbing a bank.  “I can actually get food and maybe a table at the AF!  What a day!”
  7. Mashed Potato Box Day on Thursdays in the Academic Forum is much better than everything that’s existed.  I mean it.  Plus I always giggle when a girl says “can you put everything in my box?” because I’m incapable of being in public.

Seriously, I love Kutztown if only for the stories.

Again, read the damn sequel.

Yes Lance Armstrong Took EPO & Yes, I Don’t Care

18 Jan

I consider myself a sports nut.  From the NFL to the MLB and even down to tennis and golf, I like to follow almost 90% of the major sports leagues going on right now.  I love the Olympics, I love college sports and I even am more than willing to watch a few minutes of the Tour de France every July.  When you are a sports fan, you can find the little interesting details in most sporting events.

Mainly?  “Dude, this is cool.”

Tonight one of the generation’s most iconic sports stars admitted (to noted journalist OPRAH) to taking steroids for his seven-year reign as the world’s greatest cyclist (and potentially athlete).  With a successfully and inspiring fight against cancer to being the most elite in one of the more grueling sports, Lance Armstrong truly had it all.  Women, sponsors, fame, mainstream appeal, etc. what did Lance Armstrong not have?  Who was he?

Well, he’s kind of a major prick.  But that didn’t stop famous people before.  He’s rather sociopathic as well.  But that doesn’t stop anyone in life who are sociopaths from doing anything.  He’s rather judgmental but this is a country that gives Gregg Easterbrook employment.  Vain?  Check.  Maniacal?  Double check.  Attention-seeking?  Yessir.

Nonetheless, Lance Armstrong blood doped in a sport where everybody who was worth a damn did.  He sued many people in a country that’s well, amazing if you are a lawyer.  He took steroids in the late-90s, early-00s but outside of Ken Griffey Jr., who didn’t?

So why does Lance Armstrong really owe us anything?  Of course the reason he admitted to taking EPO was all for himself.  It wasn’t to “SAVE SPORTS” or his image, it was just allowing him to be done with the specter that hung over his head for the past decade or so.

Yet the spoiled American fan continues to crave for something more.  Half the public takes their turns ripping on Lance or deconstructing every word he says (that’s the group I’m in) yet the other half demands…more?  Like somehow Lance Armstrong RUINED SPORTS FOREVER and they as sports fans want more from him.  You know, like rooting for a guy to win a bike race across the Tour de France means that they have a special connection with him.

Somehow Lance Armstrong was the last “good thing” about sports.  If you truly believe that Lance Armstrong taking performance-enhancing drugs ruined sports forever, then please find another interest.  I implore it.  You watch sports therefore you’ve been through scandals such as refs betting on games, a dog-fighting scandal, a fake girlfriend incident, about 100+ performance-enhancing drug scandals, cocaine usage, numerous labor disputes, a child rape scandal that was blatantly ignored by “superiors”, debilitating head injuries that led to suicides, a few murder cases, too many cases of domestic abuse and sexual assaults, the usage of homophobic slurs, and that’s only just a top of the iceberg when discussing the numerous problems with sports.

But it entertains us, so we ignore it only to become white knights when a petty thing such as Lance Armstrong’s ego comes up.  More people rather have Lance Armstrong be “honest” with them rather than justice to be served for many athletes who get away with numerous crimes.  Somehow Lance Armstrong needs to do more.

We root for people to win.  That’s the only vesting interest many of us had in Lance Armstrong.  Sure I was one of them for awhile.  But what does Lance Armstrong owe me?  How can he “SAVE SPORTS”?  I’ve seen countless posts stating that Lance Armstrong could change the world by doing this or that, but uh, he’s washed up now who cares?  What power does Lance Armstrong now have?

Hell if he had all the power in the world, what could he do?  There will be another sports star that gets the public’s adulation only to be later revealed as a tool.  Stop crying over Lance taking drugs.  Though at least can you admit that this wasn’t something secret French plot to ruin Americans?  Please?

The Best And The Worst Parts About Harry Potter: Real Life Edition

7 Jan

I got a confession to make.  I am one of those eye rollers whenever a new fiction book comes out.  Same goes with most old ones, I have yet to read a page of Lord of the Rings or watch a second of the movie.  I hate fantasy.  I hate pretend things.  I also hate the mini-universes that branch off those series and how they look down upon people for not being in touch with their inner Gandolf or whatever.  I’m sure LOTR and even Twilight are entertaining but nope, I’d rather read nonfiction and boring things.

But I loved Harry Potter.  In fact, I was one of THOSE people who stopped watching the movies because they deviated too much from the books.  I was self-righteous and judgmental which is a terrible thing to be over a pretend thing.  I wasn’t fan enough to dress like a wizard or debate amongst internet folk, but…I was up there.

So when I would read the books, I often would tune out what I was reading and imagine what would happen if I was a real wizard.  Sure it would be cool to be all magicky and stuff, but there’s downers to that too.  So let’s pretend you one of the useless wizards in the book like Seamus Finnigan and imagine what the worst and best parts of being a wizard is.

THE BEST

  1. Magic.  Dude you can do magic.  How awesome is that?  I don’t know what I’d do for my first spell.  I’d probably do the Summoning Charm and get myself Burger King all the time.  I know there’s probably rules about that, but I don’t care because I’m magic.  “Oh you have a stomach flu, guess what?  NOW YOU DON’T ANYMORE!!!!’  Those wizards suck by the way.  They have remedies for so many issues but they keep it amongst themselves.  Totally OBAMA’s fault.
  2. Flying.  You know how great it would be to fly on a broom?  Actually it would hurt your crotch a lot.  But it’s probably like riding a motorcycle except that whole you are FLYING thing.  Flying is totally awesome under any circumstance.
  3. 95% of the Death Eaters.  You are telling me that a group of mediocre high school wizards can usually easily defeat the worst wizards in the world?  Take away the Lestranges, Voldemort, Snape and Lucius Malfoy and you can easily be a hero.  Imagine how many witches you could pick up?  I’m imagining my game if I were a wizard, it’d be like “Uhh, you know that break-in at the bank?  I stopped it with a couple well-known charms.  NO BIG DEAL”.  The Death Eaters are like if street gangs didn’t carry guns, knives or weapons but instead just hurled insults at you while you had a weapon.
  4. Hogwarts.  First off, if Harry Potter is your classmate, Finals Week gets cancelled half the time because some well-timed crisis occurs.  Secondly, you were with your friends all the time doing hijinks because that’s what youngsters do.  They never mentioned how much hooking up goes in Harry Potter, but I imagine it’s a massive amount.  Also Hogsmeade sounds great and so does that whole House Cup thing.  I don’t get how at the end of the Sorcerer’s Stone that Harry, Hermione, Ron and Neville nearly cost Gryffindor the House Cup by sneaking the dragon out by the way.  Professor Sprout gives you 5 points at a time for knowing the right answer.  Just bump up your good deeds people, it’s not that complicated.
  5. Winning in Quidditch.  It just seems that this is the greatest thing ever.  Could you imagine the art majors in Hogwarts?  “Psh, you guys like Quidditch…how about focusing on what really matters? :proceeds to do interpretive dance:”  The place literally goes nuts.
  6. Every meal ever.  I would eat at Hogwarts all the time.  Sure it’s made with nothing but non-unionized labor but you could eat anything you wanted till class.  Man, I’d like to eat a Whopper….”oh, thanks Dobby!”.  The dinner after the Sorting reminds me of every single great thing about food ever.  Minus the speeches.  How come I can’t eat during your speech Dumbledore?  Is it really that important to hear you give vague warnings and introducing new teachers?  Do you know that, even though I can fly and my parents can apparate, you make me sit on a steam-powered train with only a wheeling vending machine to eat from?
  7. The shops.  Wizard shopping is clearly better than Muggle shopping.  Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley (Get it, diagonally?) rock.  Knockturn Alley is clearly the Skid Row of wizarding however.
  8. The Pensieves.  Okay, every time I see the word; I see “penis”.  That’s always funny.  But also, every single memory you could relive over and over again?  Hey remember that time I won that race?  Well….let’s go see it!

THE WORST

  1. All of the magical creatures.
  • Goblins are annoying.  You know what goblins are?  They are those people who post conspiracy theory politically charged Facebook messages and get mad at you for not caring.  You feel bad for them because they get a bad deal, but then it goes away once they upon their mouths.  Goblins are also in charge of the Treasury which just is an awful idea.  We are putting our money in the hands of a species that hates us?  GREAT THINKING.  Goblins are the short people that lift so they can overcompensate for their height.  Then get mad when you diss them when they start talking about destroying Keystone Light and playing Lacrosse.  Goblins suck.
  • Werewolves.  Imagine going to a Quidditch match and a full moon was out?  Instant crisis.  Imagine being out after 6pm?  Always have to be on alert for a werewolf.  I’m sure werewolves had a registry so you could find out where they live to keep your neighborhood safe.  But still, scary.
  • House elves.  Stick up for yourselves guys!  What if I drop a T-shirt while doing laundry and a house elf grabs it?  There goes my labor.  Also, if you have a house elf; everyone has to hate you.  It’s like having an unpaid child work for you.  Sure it does a great job, but jeez; you have to be pretty heartless to own one.
  • Dementors.  EASILY the worst thing ever.  Every time it’s foggy, you have to be afraid.  What if you encounter one?  What happy memory do I have to overcome every single awful memory that ever happened to me?  What if my awful memories aren’t as good as other people’s?  Harry lost his family, saw Cedric die, as well as Sirius and Hedwig.  Me?  I got the flu once.  That sucked.  Sorry, dementors are the worst thing ever.  The fact that they guard our prisons is messed up too.  There has to be some people in Azkaban that weren’t mass murderers and deserve better.  God dementors scare the hell out of me.
  • Dragons.  They might be cool but they are terrifying.
  • Giants.  Actually giants are awful because they suck.  We force them to live in mountains.  They just listen to us.  They are 30 feet tall and probably weigh as much as Andy Reid.  Same goes with trolls.  Did anybody like that one part where Professor Quirrell bragged about how good he was with trolls?  They are idiots.  How do you find out that talent?  But back to giants, did anyone found it weird that Hagrid’s dad spawned with Fridwulfa to create Hagrid?  Our country can’t even handle gay marriage, let alone giant-human relations.  There would be weird porn for that too because you know people like Ron Weasley would like that stuff.
  • Pixies were tools.  I bet the Mermaids/Mermen were jerks too.  Underwater people can never be trusted, AMIRITE URSULA?
  • Squibs.  Okay, they are human.  But Squibs have to be buzzkills.  I can imagine some Squib being like “Oh, I wish I was magical….” as they look out the window and listen to Sarah MacLachlan music.  Or Drake.
  1. WordPress won’t let me put a 2 here.  Ugh.
  2. Okay here we go with a 2.  How about the Dark Mark?  Imagine seeing that over your house after you came back from Hogsmeade?  Ruin your life.
  3. Ravenclaws and Gryffindors.  Ravenclaws are the AP students that you hate.  Yes the ones who had their intelligence validated.  Imagine being a Hufflepuff person having problems with your work, and a Ravenclaw comes up.  “Ohhh, LET ME take a look at it; other people have troubles with this too”.  Same goes with Gryffindors.  Imagine a crisis?  You know all the Gryffindors would feel the need to step up because it was a challenge.  “FEAR NOTHING MAN AND/OR WOMAN, I GOT THIS”.  Gryffindors are like Jack from Lost.  Why the hell does he have to be the leader?  Because he’s a doctor?  Self-appointed leaders suck.
  4. Being in Hufflepuff.  That’s a blow.  You aren’t extraordinarily brave, smart or cunning.  Hufflepuff is being friend-zoned forever.
  5. The Ministry of Magic.  You know how easy of a job the Minister of Magic is if you don’t have to worry about Voldemort?  Jeez, what do you do?  There doesn’t appear to be tax issues or foreign policy debacles if you are the Minister.  Then in crisis, you are the first person targeted because guess what?  The bad people can do magic too.  Secret Service can’t do much there.
  6. Ron Weasley.  God he’s awful.
  7. Just Quidditch?  No other sports of note exist besides this one?  Imagine if all ESPN ever broadcasted was soccer.  Same thing.
  8. Not doing magic for a whole summer.  That sucks.  I understand it as well, but damn.
  9. Owls.  Really?  YOU ARE MAGIC.  The best you can do is communicate is with quill, parchment and owls?  I’m sorry did Harry Potter take place in the American Revolution?  You’re second best bet is finding a fireplace and hoping the other side has one.
  10. Splinching.  Imagine if driving was the easiest thing to do in the world but if you didn’t put your seatbelt on before you started your car, you lost a body part.  I’d like stats on how many splinches for every 100 apparators occurred.