I got a confession to make. I am one of those eye rollers whenever a new fiction book comes out. Same goes with most old ones, I have yet to read a page of Lord of the Rings or watch a second of the movie. I hate fantasy. I hate pretend things. I also hate the mini-universes that branch off those series and how they look down upon people for not being in touch with their inner Gandolf or whatever. I’m sure LOTR and even Twilight are entertaining but nope, I’d rather read nonfiction and boring things.
But I loved Harry Potter. In fact, I was one of THOSE people who stopped watching the movies because they deviated too much from the books. I was self-righteous and judgmental which is a terrible thing to be over a pretend thing. I wasn’t fan enough to dress like a wizard or debate amongst internet folk, but…I was up there.
So when I would read the books, I often would tune out what I was reading and imagine what would happen if I was a real wizard. Sure it would be cool to be all magicky and stuff, but there’s downers to that too. So let’s pretend you one of the useless wizards in the book like Seamus Finnigan and imagine what the worst and best parts of being a wizard is.
- Magic. Dude you can do magic. How awesome is that? I don’t know what I’d do for my first spell. I’d probably do the Summoning Charm and get myself Burger King all the time. I know there’s probably rules about that, but I don’t care because I’m magic. “Oh you have a stomach flu, guess what? NOW YOU DON’T ANYMORE!!!!’ Those wizards suck by the way. They have remedies for so many issues but they keep it amongst themselves. Totally OBAMA’s fault.
- Flying. You know how great it would be to fly on a broom? Actually it would hurt your crotch a lot. But it’s probably like riding a motorcycle except that whole you are FLYING thing. Flying is totally awesome under any circumstance.
- 95% of the Death Eaters. You are telling me that a group of mediocre high school wizards can usually easily defeat the worst wizards in the world? Take away the Lestranges, Voldemort, Snape and Lucius Malfoy and you can easily be a hero. Imagine how many witches you could pick up? I’m imagining my game if I were a wizard, it’d be like “Uhh, you know that break-in at the bank? I stopped it with a couple well-known charms. NO BIG DEAL”. The Death Eaters are like if street gangs didn’t carry guns, knives or weapons but instead just hurled insults at you while you had a weapon.
- Hogwarts. First off, if Harry Potter is your classmate, Finals Week gets cancelled half the time because some well-timed crisis occurs. Secondly, you were with your friends all the time doing hijinks because that’s what youngsters do. They never mentioned how much hooking up goes in Harry Potter, but I imagine it’s a massive amount. Also Hogsmeade sounds great and so does that whole House Cup thing. I don’t get how at the end of the Sorcerer’s Stone that Harry, Hermione, Ron and Neville nearly cost Gryffindor the House Cup by sneaking the dragon out by the way. Professor Sprout gives you 5 points at a time for knowing the right answer. Just bump up your good deeds people, it’s not that complicated.
- Winning in Quidditch. It just seems that this is the greatest thing ever. Could you imagine the art majors in Hogwarts? “Psh, you guys like Quidditch…how about focusing on what really matters? :proceeds to do interpretive dance:” The place literally goes nuts.
- Every meal ever. I would eat at Hogwarts all the time. Sure it’s made with nothing but non-unionized labor but you could eat anything you wanted till class. Man, I’d like to eat a Whopper….”oh, thanks Dobby!”. The dinner after the Sorting reminds me of every single great thing about food ever. Minus the speeches. How come I can’t eat during your speech Dumbledore? Is it really that important to hear you give vague warnings and introducing new teachers? Do you know that, even though I can fly and my parents can apparate, you make me sit on a steam-powered train with only a wheeling vending machine to eat from?
- The shops. Wizard shopping is clearly better than Muggle shopping. Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley (Get it, diagonally?) rock. Knockturn Alley is clearly the Skid Row of wizarding however.
- The Pensieves. Okay, every time I see the word; I see “penis”. That’s always funny. But also, every single memory you could relive over and over again? Hey remember that time I won that race? Well….let’s go see it!
- All of the magical creatures.
- Goblins are annoying. You know what goblins are? They are those people who post conspiracy theory politically charged Facebook messages and get mad at you for not caring. You feel bad for them because they get a bad deal, but then it goes away once they upon their mouths. Goblins are also in charge of the Treasury which just is an awful idea. We are putting our money in the hands of a species that hates us? GREAT THINKING. Goblins are the short people that lift so they can overcompensate for their height. Then get mad when you diss them when they start talking about destroying Keystone Light and playing Lacrosse. Goblins suck.
- Werewolves. Imagine going to a Quidditch match and a full moon was out? Instant crisis. Imagine being out after 6pm? Always have to be on alert for a werewolf. I’m sure werewolves had a registry so you could find out where they live to keep your neighborhood safe. But still, scary.
- House elves. Stick up for yourselves guys! What if I drop a T-shirt while doing laundry and a house elf grabs it? There goes my labor. Also, if you have a house elf; everyone has to hate you. It’s like having an unpaid child work for you. Sure it does a great job, but jeez; you have to be pretty heartless to own one.
- Dementors. EASILY the worst thing ever. Every time it’s foggy, you have to be afraid. What if you encounter one? What happy memory do I have to overcome every single awful memory that ever happened to me? What if my awful memories aren’t as good as other people’s? Harry lost his family, saw Cedric die, as well as Sirius and Hedwig. Me? I got the flu once. That sucked. Sorry, dementors are the worst thing ever. The fact that they guard our prisons is messed up too. There has to be some people in Azkaban that weren’t mass murderers and deserve better. God dementors scare the hell out of me.
- Dragons. They might be cool but they are terrifying.
- Giants. Actually giants are awful because they suck. We force them to live in mountains. They just listen to us. They are 30 feet tall and probably weigh as much as Andy Reid. Same goes with trolls. Did anybody like that one part where Professor Quirrell bragged about how good he was with trolls? They are idiots. How do you find out that talent? But back to giants, did anyone found it weird that Hagrid’s dad spawned with Fridwulfa to create Hagrid? Our country can’t even handle gay marriage, let alone giant-human relations. There would be weird porn for that too because you know people like Ron Weasley would like that stuff.
- Pixies were tools. I bet the Mermaids/Mermen were jerks too. Underwater people can never be trusted, AMIRITE URSULA?
- Squibs. Okay, they are human. But Squibs have to be buzzkills. I can imagine some Squib being like “Oh, I wish I was magical….” as they look out the window and listen to Sarah MacLachlan music. Or Drake.
- WordPress won’t let me put a 2 here. Ugh.
- Okay here we go with a 2. How about the Dark Mark? Imagine seeing that over your house after you came back from Hogsmeade? Ruin your life.
- Ravenclaws and Gryffindors. Ravenclaws are the AP students that you hate. Yes the ones who had their intelligence validated. Imagine being a Hufflepuff person having problems with your work, and a Ravenclaw comes up. “Ohhh, LET ME take a look at it; other people have troubles with this too”. Same goes with Gryffindors. Imagine a crisis? You know all the Gryffindors would feel the need to step up because it was a challenge. “FEAR NOTHING MAN AND/OR WOMAN, I GOT THIS”. Gryffindors are like Jack from Lost. Why the hell does he have to be the leader? Because he’s a doctor? Self-appointed leaders suck.
- Being in Hufflepuff. That’s a blow. You aren’t extraordinarily brave, smart or cunning. Hufflepuff is being friend-zoned forever.
- The Ministry of Magic. You know how easy of a job the Minister of Magic is if you don’t have to worry about Voldemort? Jeez, what do you do? There doesn’t appear to be tax issues or foreign policy debacles if you are the Minister. Then in crisis, you are the first person targeted because guess what? The bad people can do magic too. Secret Service can’t do much there.
- Ron Weasley. God he’s awful.
- Just Quidditch? No other sports of note exist besides this one? Imagine if all ESPN ever broadcasted was soccer. Same thing.
- Not doing magic for a whole summer. That sucks. I understand it as well, but damn.
- Owls. Really? YOU ARE MAGIC. The best you can do is communicate is with quill, parchment and owls? I’m sorry did Harry Potter take place in the American Revolution? You’re second best bet is finding a fireplace and hoping the other side has one.
- Splinching. Imagine if driving was the easiest thing to do in the world but if you didn’t put your seatbelt on before you started your car, you lost a body part. I’d like stats on how many splinches for every 100 apparators occurred.