The Best & Worst Things About Kutztown University

19 Jan


UPDATE #2:  Here’s some other links you might find interesting since I’m now popular for a day.  Here’s why your major sucks and best yet, here’s my graduation speech for those who want something mildly serious and less caps lock.  Also let’s be friends, add me on Twitter @JoeD10k.  Just cause.

I go to Kutztown University and to be fair, I genuinely love it.  In fact, I encourage all of my friends who actually exist (NO CATFISH FRIENDS FOR ME) to come here because even with all the soybean fields, I love it here.

That being said, there are just some awful things about Kutztown University that need changing ASAP.  I’m not talking about bulldozing South Dining Hall and making it a giant White Castle (DO IT) but some small contemporary bits we can do to make sure that everyone who comes here, never leaves.

  1. Hills.  Why is half the campus uphill while none of the campus downhill?  Half the time I’m walking to class I feel like I’m trying to climb Mount Vesuvius with a plastic knife.  I know, I know, terrain can’t be changed but there has to be some type of escalator/conveyor belt technology we can bring to Berks County.  Oh and god forbid there is ever wind here which IS ALWAYS.  Ever walk through Dixon Hall on a windy day and instantly expect to be transported into an alternate dimension?  Then you see the tree-walkers and are convinced that you are in said dimension?  INCEPTION.
  2. Why is there a white tent on the DMZ once every, say, four months?  I’m the type of idiot that sees a white tent and tells everyone that’s in ear shot “OOHH, there could be candy!  What mystery is under this said tent?” only to find out that Phi Beta Alpha Sigma Epsilon Natty Ice is handing out free Frisbees that never float then telling you “BRAH JOIN US, I PLAYED LACROSSE IN HIGH SCHOOL”.  That white tent is such a tease though because idiot students, such as myself, are always gravitated to it.
  3. Can we all work together and get all of our RateMyProfessor rankings to look like each other?  How come every professor, not named O’Boyle, has like a 3 overall rating because they are “too hard but nice!”.  What the hell does that even mean?  Will they write my Fs with a giant smile and give me extra credit for trying hard?  Are all teachers Jon Gruden mixed with Remus Lupin?  Also, have you ever been told to take O’Boyle?  “HE CURSES A LOT, LIKE US!”.  I swear every KU student has been accosted by a friend for not picking him.   Another thing, why is it that 2/5 professors use D2L?  That’s been around for almost four years now; I know we hate giving up our traditions but is it that hard to upload stuff?  Teaching sucks probably, don’t get me wrong, because they have to deal with things like budget negotiations (which never are going well, even when a deal is made), numerous classes and grading multiple papers all the time but still…..
  4. The shuttle bus.  God, I hate the shuttle bus and I don’t know why.  But I have this theory that has yet to be unproven.  Every weekend night, the shuttle bus goes around and it’s of course filled to capacity with a bunch of people giving blank stares at one another.  However, I have yet to see the shuttle bus stop and drop those people off which makes me believe that the shuttle bus is just another hoax by Manti Te’o.  The shuttle bus permanently does the same route with actors on board and the government is DOING IT ON PURPOSE BECAUSE OF GUNS.
  5. Give it up, the top of Main Street is the worst place for food.  Sal’s, Two Fat Guys, Uncle Joe’s, Hall & Oates, you will never make it.  The top of Main Street is such a tease because it’s right next to campus but, no one will go there.  People are too tired to walk to Main Street when they have South Dining Hall and if it’s a weekend, everyone will end up going to Mama’s or Spuds.  No one wants to walk all the way up Main Street once they are down there, it’s not Diagon Alley or the Magic Kingdom.
  6. Mark my words, every semester you will have one professor who begins each year by making a joke about their poor handwriting.  “HAR HAR well if you can understand hieroglyphics, you can read my writing!”.
  7. Bear Fest is a total let down minus the pudding slide and undie run.  Which I never do anyway.  But I want fun.  Like the Holy Book says “If you puteth a white tent, you must bringeth the fun”; well that’s at least what the Newest Testament says.  Nonetheless, I don’t want a glow stick party, what the hell is that?  I want some B-list music artist like Domo Genesis, Steve Aoki or American Hi-Fi to come.  I’m sure if you give them $5 in Bear Bucks, they’ll take it.
  8. Every year the Rick Santorum campaign, I mean pro-lifers come to the Academic Forum and protest about abortion and gay marriage.  Then, predictably, some wide-eyed philosophy major or something gets the idea of “HEY, WE ARE GOING TO TAKE THIS MAN ON BECAUSE THATS WHAT YOUNG OPEN-MINDED PEOPLE DO” and try to start a student-led revolution, while I’m trying to make it to Lytle in one piece.  Hey, I’m a pretty politically in-tune loony liberal as well; but c’mon, resist.  If they get your attention, they actually win.  If you really want to piss them off, wear a Mark Sanchez jersey, get lost eight times on the way to class yet somehow stay in front of them.  That will bring up bad memories.
  9. When the weather gets nice, it’s awesome.  Yet there is always one dude who blasts some dubstep in front of the Dining Hall in front of the trapezoid that is filled with rope walkers, hula hoopers, flame throwers and Zubats.  Dubsteppers are the worst of all people, because they are permanently under the illusion that they will somehow stumble upon a talent agent who is looking for some good eats at South and will get a record contract.
  10. High school tours are the worst.  There is literally nothing worse than waking up in Dixon Hall, gazing out your window and seeing a horde of 90 high schoolers in matching uniforms going to the dining hall.  You are screwed.

But that’s just the worst, there are clearly some things that make Kutztown awesome.

  1. Pet Therapy Day is great.  The dogs are somehow not that lovable, they just put up with being pet which is kind of a let down, but there was a camel this year.  How crazy is that?  There’s also always an animal that is clearly drugged (I’m looking at you rooster) and one that is this close to a rampage.  My goal here is to be there when a rogue billy goat unleashes terror upon the campus.  Also, animals are cool.  Every Tuesday should be Pet Therapy Day, not just during Finals Week.
  2. Having a Rita’s on campus is oddly awesome because it’s open year-round.  I just am waiting the first day of Spring when the line from Dixon Marketplace goes all the way to Fleetwood.  They better do free ices.
  3. Going back to the whole warm weather thing, there is no place better than Kutztown when we have an unseasonably hot day.  People crawl out of their dorms in shock and awe “What is this mystical orb in the sky that rains down heat upon my soul?” and no one knows what to do.  Girls walk to classes wearing only push-up bras while bros whip out their best TAP OUT shirt.  Meanwhile, sun bathers attempt to not get hit by rogue frisbees and there’s always a kid on the DMZ who is friendless but shirtless.    Which is a serial killer combo.
  4. Towards the end of the year, the white tent actually lives up to its awesomeness.  Last year, there was Dippin’ Dots.  That’s it.
  5. Ever sit in the Dining Hall for way too many hours?  Just me?  Oh well, that’s an underrated part of the KU experience.  I like to say that the real dining experience comes when the cleaning staff of KU starts putting up all the chairs but you remain seated to get that last 3 millimeter bowl full of jello.  Why are those bowls so small anyway?  It’s roughly the same size as a syringe.
  6. The first week of class is roughly 20 minutes long.  It goes downhill from there, but if you get released from class early during the school year; it’s like successfully robbing a bank.  “I can actually get food and maybe a table at the AF!  What a day!”
  7. Mashed Potato Box Day on Thursdays in the Academic Forum is much better than everything that’s existed.  I mean it.  Plus I always giggle when a girl says “can you put everything in my box?” because I’m incapable of being in public.

Seriously, I love Kutztown if only for the stories.

Again, read the damn sequel.


6 Responses to “The Best & Worst Things About Kutztown University”

  1. whoulette May 3, 2014 at 5:55 pm #

    You forgot how awesome HVZ is!

  2. KU Alumni July 9, 2014 at 9:57 pm #

    How I wish that Rita’s was there before I graduated… I barely got the Chik-fil-a

  3. Graduate July 10, 2014 at 10:55 am #

    If this is the same person who wrote “What Every Kutztown Student Needs To Do” then I’d love to know what their problem is with the Lax team?…….

    On that note don’t group them together and encourage other people to not accept them as friends because of some bad experience you had with them.

    That’s like someone bashing an organization/team you’re associated with. If you’re even associated with anything…

    • joed5k July 10, 2014 at 1:37 pm #

      I didn’t even know KU had a LAX team. I’m making fun of the stereotype of “bros” and it clearly stated “I played lacrosse in high school” not “KULAX”.

    • joed5k July 10, 2014 at 1:39 pm #

      By the way “IF YOURE EVEN ASSOCIATED WITH ANYTHING…..” attempt at making me look like I did nothing, I was a proud five year member of the cross country and track team. I’ve heard all the stereotypes already so I know the feelings.

  4. Townie July 10, 2014 at 10:58 am #

    *Corn fields….I’m from Kutztown I’d know this.

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