Today is the first day of classes for the spring semester and I’m feeling pretty happy about my chances for academic success. Nothing beats the first day of school even though it’s awful to train your body to sit through lectures about subjects you are prepared to forget about. As awful as classes can be, there is such a renewed sense of optimism on the first day. I always catch myself paying apt attention to the professor talking about the syllabus and nodding my head furiously when they discuss faraway things such as examinations and projects. “If I nod quickly, they can tell that I’m all-business, no play….no napping for this gentleman!”
By next week, I’ll end up being a horrifically bad procrastinator but I’m willing to sacrifice the next 17 weeks for one week of academic pleasure.
However, the worst thing about school is not your studies but other people’s. In college, every single student is intertwined with each other and you’ll hear the constant complaining and moaning of every single student in every single major. Yes, all majors (and I mean it ALL MAJORS) require a lot of work and to succeed you definitely have to make some concessions. This piece isn’t intended to rip apart everyone and make you feel like crap. But odds are, you will be annoyed (“hey, I’M NOT LIKE THIS) and this piece will hit close to home. For others, you hopefully will laugh.
So let’s take a look at why you suck.
ACCOUNTING: How’d I forget this one in the original draft? Oops. Anyway, Accounting is not quite Business and it’s not quite Math but it’s all superiority. I had to take an Accounting class and it blew, so credit to those that I get off on things such as “assets” and “liquidation”. However, it takes a certain special person to really think their accounting expertise is going to make them the Maestro of Magnificence. Every now and then, I’ll hear in one of my classes an Accounting major talking about how America is screwed because of the deficit. Just a quick heads-up, no one has ever cared about the debt and it’s been a 200+ year debate. Also the whole “kicking the can down the road” metaphor is annoying and is also the answer to what our grandchildren will do and what our great-great-great grandchildren will do. Please, your not a deficit hawk and if you aspire to be an Auditor; be prepared to be scoffed at.
ART: If art majors could win a prize it would be “MOST MISUNDERSTOOD”. Ever talk about classes with an art student? If not, DON’T. Avoid at all costs like it’s the flu. Art majors constantly walk around with a chip on their shoulder and will instantly make you regret talking to them about school. “Oh, you do book work? What pleasure DO YOU GET from that? I just stayed up for 48 hours straight on nothing but Adderall and ramen noodles and I still haven’t gotten anything done yet”. Then if you compliment them on your work they’ll instantly turn it down. “Yeah, I’m awful at art so….”. Never talk to art majors unless it’s absolutely needed.
BUSINESS: Business majors are always thought to be the ones that will later be the wealthy ones. This is rarely the case as more than half of the business majors in the world are BROS who think the Federal Reserve is some great conspiracy to cost everyone money. Never befriend a business major as they treat everything like Wall Street and will always laugh behind your backs at every mistake you made. Other majors are much more upfront about why you suck, but business majors do it in a total sociopathic way. Also, most of them are idiots that took business class because they think it’s the final missing piece to their future of megabucks. “Ohh, they’ll learn to regret laughing at my idea of the self-typing computer after I make my first quadrillion”.
COMPUTER SCIENCE: Smart kids who were never taught how to function properly as a human. More than likely will buy Norton’s Anti Virus if their is a major flu going around. Also, will be very dismissive when discussing anything. You know how there are two types of nerds? There are the cool ones that just love the things they love down to an obsession and then there are the ones that correct you on the most inane errors. “ACT-CHOO-ALI it was Issue Number 47 of Batman in which Robin first sneezed….” Those are the kids that do computer science.
CRIMINAL JUSTICE: Probably the most misunderstood. Criminal Justice is a deeper field than most would expect as it’s not just future troopers in training to pull over teenagers going 50 in a 45. Nonetheless, criminal justice is a funny major. Half of them are probably more creative and smarter than you think (forensics are cool) but the other half are the meatheads who get instant gratification by putting a 10-year old in a headlock. Tread carefully.
EDUCATION: This major will always alarm you because you imagine your Natty Light chuggin’, chain smokin’, procrastinatin’ dorm-mate in charge of little kids. “You are going to teach?!? Now I know where not to move in the future” is a common phrase non-education majors make. Fun fact: You don’t know half of your friends are education majors until they start student teaching. “Oh wait, you actually do something at college?”. I always catch myself going “Hey, where is so-and-so?” and someone tells me that they are at some middle school fifty miles away watching another dude talk about George Washington to a room of innocent ten-year olds. Also, these education majors love to walk back to their house in their teaching clothes even though they had ample time to change just so they can always act like they are in a rush and better than you. I hate professional attire.
ENGLISH: “You had to buy 5 books? I had to buy 1,000 books on Shakespeare and Oxford commas THANKYOUVERYMUCH”. English majors never take breaths in-between sentences. It’s been noted that 95% of asthmatic youths never go into English. The professors are always up their own ass too when discussing how you need to apply yourself 10x more in their class if you want to get a D. “If you expect this class to be easy, I’m sad to tell you that you will have a very rough semester”.
HISTORY: I wanted to be a history major for a bit, then I realized that I’d probably have to get into education to do that. It’s funny how history classes in college work as they dismantle every nice thing you thought about our Forefathers. “George Washington owned slaves.” then you have to teach children how that’s not really relevant because he “never told a lie and was a GOOD MAN.” Also history majors have weird fetishes when it comes to wars and genocides. Ever notice that?
MATH: The worst of the worst. Is there anything worse than a math major? That includes Calculus, Trigonometry or any other class you definitely didn’t do. All math majors are the most dismissive people to your face. “You are struggling with Accounting? Ha.Ha.Ha.Ha. Try taking ancient Calculus 101 and instead of using a calculator, you had to use a sun dial”. It doesn’t help matters when you are struggling over Intro to College Algebra and they take a dramatic pause (because you know, they took such advanced math that 1+1×0 is like remembering some memory when they were 3) and then proceed to do it in five seconds. Then they dumb it down for you so you can understand. Also, math majors are under the impression that once they graduate they will be the ONLY people in America to be rich because it’s a “real major where you learn real things. NUMBERS NEVER LIE”. Enjoy your desk job in five years.
PHILOSOPHY: “All society really is? A continuous oligarchic vacuum that sucks in the weak ones”. Every philosophy major is one who thinks they are smarter than actual philosophers. All a philosophy major really, deep down, is a contrarian that will take the opposite side of anything just to be difficult.
POLITICAL SCIENCE: Thanks to my love of politics, this was what I deep down want to be. But god, have you ever met them? These are the people that call themselves “independents” or “moderates” because that makes them smarter than you for not belonging to any party. They dismiss any opinion that you have and talk about how much they hate politics because they all lie. REALLY? POLITICIANS LIE TO GET VOTES?
PSYCHOLOGY: Fun fact: Every single psych major is a person you do not want to confide your secrets to and help solve your problems. Another fun fact, no one stays as a Psych major for more than a minute. It’s literally the sequel to “Undeclared” or the prequel to “Sociology”.
SCIENCE: This quantifies every single person that takes Bio, Chem, Marine Science, Anatomy, Geology, Astronomy or Taxidermy. Never complain about signing up for classes with a science person? “Ummm, you realize I can only take this lab Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday at Midnight to 6am.” Science people, much like math majors, are trapped in a bubble thinking that greater success lies in the sciences. Look, science has a bunch of cool stuff. It’s basically how we learn things and disprove myths. In fact, they SHOULD be cocky. But let’s be real, you aren’t curing cancer nor discovering cold nuclear fusion.
SPORT…ANYTHING: How could I possibly do this piece and not crap on my own major? Yes, I take Sport Management and I’m fully aware that most coaches don’t have a coaching degree. I also realize most gym owners are business majors who liked P90X as a sports background. Sport agents have a wide variety of law backgrounds. Gym teachers have to do physical education. But let’s be real, never tell anyone you are a Sport Management major as they will go “oohh, that sounds…interesting/cool/fun”. If anyone says your major sounds “like fun”, it’s the worst thing in the world. I mean it too.
WRITING: I took a writing class because naturally I love writing. But these are fascinating folks. All of them are pretty creative (if self-centered) students who are never completely prepared. Yet they are completely organized. They even schedule their time to procrastinate! Half of my class showed up twice a month and the other half didn’t say a word all year. Yet most of them did well.