Archive | February, 2013

Your Sport Sucks: A Look At Why You Are Mediocre

12 Feb

I’m an athlete.  Okay, I run DII Cross Country & Track and my other athletic experience goes as high as Freshman Baseball…in high school.  But as an athlete and a major sports fan, I get it.  I follow all of these sports in some capacity and get the whole “thrill and love of the game” as well as that whole “beauty” thing too.

That being said, all athletes are slightly full of themselves.  Okay, completely full of themselves.  We believe that each sport isn’t as worthy as ours and yet we seek to dismantle any non-athlete who thinks they are equals.

So that being said, let’s see why your sport sucks. (Please remember, this isn’t about any one school or profession but of the best and brightest stereotypes in each sport….so yes, it’s not completely accurate).

BASEBALL:  It hurts me as baseball was my first true love growing up.  Nonetheless, as you get older; you realize that damn, baseball bros exist.  Bros in all sports (look no further than Ryan Lochte, Bryce Harper, Rob Gronkowski and Tony Romo for starters) exist but baseball ones are quite rare.  Some of them are business majors who are ready to be done with aluminum bats and others are members of the NRA equivalent for SKOAL users.  Baseball players aren’t redneck or hillbilly at all, but are the types that drink Pabst on nightly occasions while giving tippers to their teammates.  Also you hear the weirdest stories surrounding baseball players.  “Yo some kid just took a shot of Icy Hot last night…it was WILD”.

BASKETBALL:  Ever watch a basketball game?  The combination of size, speed and athletic ability is off the charts.  But then off the court, these are the guys who never take off their warmups at all.  EVER.  Back in high school, basketball games were the best parts of the week when winter rolled around.  But there was always some type of corruption as GPAs were always uhh…”evolving”.  Plus there is a goofy white guy on every team that gives folks hope.

CROSS COUNTRY:  Already said it.

FOOTBALL:  Since football teams are the biggest and thus the most diverse group of students on any college campus, they are a lot harder to pinpoint.  There are the bros who relish their status as third-string fullback and weasel their way into every friend circle.  The true stars of the football team has to put up with the tagalong backups who clearly try to study with them.  The football team, if they do well, leads to the burning down of everything.  One time I saw a football player try to steal a gumball machine from the pizza shop in town.  It was awesome, though it was 3:00pm in November so actually it was completely unrelated to winning games.  Still cool.  The rest of the football team is on autopilot from now until the season starts again and it shows.  If it weren’t for spring practices, I think half the football team at ANY University would just drop out and rejoin.  Hell, I would.

LACROSSE:  Every time I reference “DOOD” or “NATTYLIGHT” or “P90X”, I am talking about LAX bros.  The biggest scourge of any college campuses are former lacrosse players.  Seriously, tell me one ex-player that was not the worst caricature of a stereotypical college dbag?  “BRAHHH, CHECK OUT MY NEW TAT :reveals tricep tattoo of a Jigglypuff:, ISN’T THAT COOL?”.  It’s a shame to because lacrosse is one of the most badass of all sports, when the Native Americans played they used HEADS of tribal chiefs they defeated in battles (NOTE:  I have no idea if this is true as I just made it up).  Lacrosse is what Patrick Kane, Bryce Harper, Ryan Lochte, Mac Miller, JJ Redick, any Romney son and Matthew McConaughey would play if they weren’t who they were.  They are the guys who rock American Eagle tanktops in 50-degree weather with Raybans on.  They are the type that always talk about frats but only go to the parties.  They are the type that go to the gym and tell EVERYONE about it.  “YEAH BRAH I GOT MY SWELL ON GETTING HUSKY”.  Ever fad is jumped on by these brahs.  Remember bros icing bros?  Only lacrosse players do because people stopped caring.  These are also the guys who won the award of “Most Likely To Say Some Homophobic/Racist Things” in high school.  They are predominantly white kids who use the n-word to talk about their fellow white friends.  They listen to Odd Future and talk about how they just “DON’T GIVE A F LIKE I DO”.  Worst people on Earth.

SOCCER:  Imagine every upper-middle class family who knows their place in society and flaunt it altogether on one playing field.  I present to you soccer.  Just a step below lacrosse but with more entitlement and less usage of BRAH.  Remember that prick that always wore Hollister in high school?  He played soccer.  How about the last kid in America that had a dyed-blonde faux hawk?  Soccer player.  My best bet is that due to the European influences of the sport, these folks all secretly think they are Cristiano Ronaldo or David Beckham (off the pitch mind you).  However unlike lacrosse players, once soccer players leave their sport; they reintegrate in society pretty quickly.

SWIMMING:  All you need to know about swimming is that Ryan Lochte says “Jeah”.  I think that sums up swimming quite adequately.

TENNIS:  How the hell did I forget about the tennis team in my first draft?  Well I guess that practically explains it.  I have learned throughout my times in life that tennis players can be some of the worst of the worst people.  The arrogance that radiates off of them is always visible in the air, somehow they think winning any match is akin to winning Wimbledon.  Tennis players dress like they are rich, act like they are above every other athlete and always flaunt their expensive gear at you.  “Yes, my racket has been tightened exquisitely, thankyouverymuch”.  You know how people talk about Roger Federer as “elegant”, well every single tennis player tries to emulate just that.  Screw tennis.

TRACK AND FIELD:  Just ignore the distance team for a second as I think I summed them up quite adequately.  But the rest of your University track team is usually the tightest knit.  I’m not saying that because I’m a member of a team but because, well yeah that’s why I said it.  Nonetheless, if someone is yelling in the dining hall odds are it’s the track team.  If someone is throwing things at people, odds are it’s a track team.  The first people doing snowball fights and making snowmen with visible erections, are definitely track team members.  Also track and field athletes are completely certain that their sport is the least cared about.  “We are the only PURE athletes in the GALAXY”.  

WRESTLING:  First off, why did they cut wrestling from the Olympics?  Half the reason the Olympics exist is because of wrestling.  That’s lame.  Anyway, wrestlers always have a chip on their shoulder and it’s hard to blame them.  I can barely force myself to eat dinner because I am a light eater, if I tried to push my stomach to new levels just so I could get pinned in 5 seconds, I’d be pissed at the world too.  Wrestlers are usually the ones who get into sparring matches with the professors, student workers, fellow teammates, coaches, custodians, athletic trainers and squirrels.  It sucks to because they wrestle, you aren’t going to tell them they can’t do things.  Punching does nothing if you can get pinned in 2.5 seconds.

Please don’t beat me up.


Justin Timberlake Kinda Sucks

10 Feb

I know that Justin Timberlake’s return to music is supposed to be some pseudo-religious spirit that is the equivalent of the Rapture.  “HE RETURNS” probably trended on Twitter at one point this month.  In fact, JT even brought out Jay-Z to feature in his “comeback” single.  Can we really call it a comeback though?  He chose to take a break from the music industry to star in awful rom coms (more on that later) and once those tanked, he came crawling back to the music industry.

Sure he has been the best part of SNL in quite some time and he’s probably a funny guy but why is there this illusion that JT is this trendy and cooler version of Neil Patrick Harris?  Who also isn’t as funny as people think he is but that’s another topic.

Anyway Justin Timberlake sucks.

Janet Jackson

Reason #1 that JT is not this mythical current-age version of Elvis Presley is how somehow he avoided blame in the Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction” controversy.  The dude sang “Better have you naked by the end of this song” and then proceeds to rip a part of Janet Jackson’s top off then looks dumbfounded that it happened.  Then everyone crapped on Janet and JT escaped blame because of…?  Can anyone think of one solid reason that JT got away without much criticism in this?  Janet Jackson, who is lame by the way and not cool anymore, essentially lost her career following the incident while Timberlake only rose higher.  Why the hell did that happen?  Everyone glosses over the fact that JT exposed Janet Jackson’s mammary piercing.

The Movies

Justin Timberlake took a break from music to star in awful romantic comedies with Jessica Alba/Biel/Aniston/Simpson and Mila Kunis.  I don’t know which Jessica starred in the movies but I’m sure at least half of them did.  Justin Timberlake basically inherited the role that Dane Cook and Hugh Grant.  Everyone harps on how multitalented Justin Timberlake is but he’s not.  The dude can’t act.  I think Elvis looks like Humphrey Bogart compared to Justin Timberlake.  SNL is awesome with him but it’s not really great acting.  Charles Barkley can’t even read his lines on SNL but he brings the laughs as did Bruno Mars who is a singing hobbit.

Seriously do any of you know any movies Justin Timberlake starred in?  If you do, then you probably thought his Grammy performance was a Grammy moment.

Britney Spears

Alright Britney Spears was and is still likely a trainwreck.  In fact, she was in such bad shape that it wasn’t even funny making fun of her because we were literally watching someone self destruct before our eyes.  Before the big downfall that happened in what, 2005, Justin Timberlake released “Cry Me A River”.  Okay, now getting cheated on probably sucks and breakups are great reasons to write songs.

Still, essentially writing a song about Britney cheating on you and then daring to cast a clone of her in the music video as you incessantly stalk her is ample reason for me to hate you.  I don’t even LIKE Britney Spears and I felt a twinge of empathy before her because JT aired out all the dirty laundry.  Everyone hates Taylor Swift, kinda rightfully so, for basically writing songs about people who look at her the wrong way.  How come Justin’s defining hit (though Sexyback is cool) gets away with dissing someone who was emotionally unstable?  Because Dick in a Box was funny?


A Look At Who’s Who In Every Classroom You Ever Sat In

7 Feb

Now that the second week of classes is wrapping it up, you start to get a feel for your schedule.  You find out exactly how long you can have lunch until you have to rush to your next class, you know when you can do work but more importantly; you realize which classes you should’ve never taken in the first place.  Now that your first week optimism has faded away (“This semester…4.0 OR BUST”) to be replaced by cynicism (“Well, looks like we got a little too ahead of ourselves”); you also realized that you already hate half of your classes.

Trust me I do already.  I’m practically done with MEGALECTURE classes in which half the school takes dazed notes on Intro to Bio because we have to (“Thanks a ton OBAMA”) so now I have the classes of the classroom variety.  Totally sucks.  Now I can’t deceptively text and look like I’m paying attention.  So instead of taking notes, I just observe the people in the classroom like every well known serial killer has done anyway.  I’m sure half the class has branded me a “THAT GUY” since I lean against the wall in class.  I always believe people are looking at me going “Jeez, will he just stare at someone else?” so instead, I just zone out at the teacher.

But trust me, the rest of your class sucks.  It’s a proven fact by nineteen different jurisdictions that all colleges courses suck.  Even the good ones have people you hate that ruin it.

So let’s take a look at who’s who in your classroom, we’ll break it down by rows.


The front row of the class is a mixed bag of awfulness.  Usually the first seat by the door is always reserved for the guy/girl who rushes in at 11:59am.  They have the look of someone who will totally update their status saying “UGH THIS DAY” the moment they find a computer/smartphone.  Their hair is always windswept and they have the wide-eyed look of someone who just made it in time.  Like if they were a minute late, they definitely would say something like “don’t judge me” in a voice of panic-induced tonality.  These people have at least five jobs that range from useless to idiotic and are such compulsive neat freaks that you forget they are always running around.  I’m on to you, I know you don’t do anything in the library but drink coffee.

There’s usually two empty seats in the front row as well.  People leave those open because it’s proven that professors only call on people who are in the back of the class to check if they are paying attention or those who are within arms reach of them.  So people compensate by moving a row back and hoping someone sits in front of them.  Never works.

The guy who laughs at all the professor’s awful jokes will have a place in the front row.  Instead of trying to correct the professor, this person will literally write anything they said. “Hitler, the twenty-second President of the United States, was a big fan of the Reading Phillies”.  This person usually has a sidekick to that might sit next to them or behind them.  Professors aren’t funny unless they curse.  Then they are just old guys who make jokes about yellow fever or the bubonic plague.  The people who laugh can be punched according the US Constitution by the way.

The front row is concluded by the kid who sits next to the window.  He’s the class clown without friends and usually knows the professor pretty well so he can say “zany things”.  Always has their hood up and always leaning against the radiator.  Why?  I don’t know but don’t talk to them.  They’ll curse the professor out after class but will totally kiss their ass in class.  You’ve been warned.


The smartest kids sit in the middle of the room.  That’s why I always go towards the wall.  In the middle of the classroom, you have the biggest variety of students.  There are the bookworms who get 100s on every single test or assignment and the whole class immediately knows they are smarter than you.  Then there are the kids who you go “hey, who the hell is that?” in late April.  It always amazes me how students can go unnoticed for a whole semester.  What do they do?  If they aren’t answering questions, making awful jokes or sleeping; what do they do?  Screw them, all professors should call out students for being boring wastes of space.  I think instead of “participation” grades we should grade students on their level of either intellect or entertainment value.  If you are neither, AUTOMATIC EXPLUSION.

Also in the middle of the class will be students who use laptops to type up their notes.  Even if the kid never says a word, everyone in the class will hate them.  There’s something about someone who uses a laptop that just makes you hate them.  It’s probably because you wish that were you so you could like statuses and retweet awful Will Ferrell parody accounts instead of writing notes on the Iroquois.

Your only friend will be situated here too.  My one goal in every class is to have a “class ally” that you can talk to after and before class.  Maybe you’ll get lucky and have a few but I always need one person to keep my sanity.  I usually use this person to try out any joke that I think is funny or to one-by-one blast every person in the classroom.  This person has to like me.

The last person who is in the middle is the generic class elder.  The person who remarks “man, back in my day” and you resist rolling your eyes while everyone else does anyway.  This person will get a few inside jokes the professors say (“man, how about THAT DEPRESSION”) even though they are only like twenty years older than you.  I applaud you for going back to school, honestly I do, but could you at least be the cool older person in class?  The one who smokes Marlboros and was actually kicked out of a University in the 80s for public nudity or something?  Why isn’t every college like a sitcom?


I’m in the back of one of my classes and I hate it.  Why?  Because the people are the worst.  In one corner you have the three bros that recap every single thing they did.  “BRAH I JUST ATE A BURGER”, “DOOD BURGERS ARE AWESOME”, “KEYSTONELIGHT!” is their vocabulary.  One will look exactly like Mac Miller.  The other will always wear a different snapback hat and the third is the one who is pledged to some frat and is oddly credentialed.  You hate that the guy has power too because it means that all institutions are going straight to hell.

Then there is the anonymous stoner who everyone laughs with.  Not at, but with because usually they are funny even if they have a bizarre bad temper.

Lastly, in the back corner is the one kid that everyone fears.  Professors don’t call on them, students don’t talk to them and they choose to be there right before the class begins.  No one is particularly worried about him doing anything actually bad, but they just creep the hell out of them.  Seriously, you expect this person to have castrated goats for a living or something.  They actually do.

My Sport Sucks: Cross Country

5 Feb

I personally like to run and I love my teammates.  I should always start every post I make with a disclaimer stating why I am not an unhinged maniac that has internet access.  Nonetheless, god I hate cross country and not for the whole “we run far and it’s tiring” reasons.  Running is the least of my concerns when it comes to distance runners in general.  Since I’m midway through my eighth season connected to running (and have one more fall season to go before I hope to start a coaching career….and this post will ruin those aspirations I’m sure); I feel like I have my finger on the pulse on why people hate our sport.  Hell I think most of my teammates have heard me say “that’s why people hate us” when discussing outsiders views on us.

So here’s a guide to why people hate our sport.

  • BADASS.  In terms of what makes our sport awful, there is nothing worse than people who think they are badass that they were split shorts in 60 degree weather and POUND mileage.  “Dude, people DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT WE DO” is a common phrase to hear.  Yes, people actually do know what we do as we might have the simplest sport to explain.  “Uhhh well ya see, at 3:15 everyday, I stretch and then I run until I stop an hour later.  Sometimes I race too which is faster than a normal run.”  Pretty cut and dry actually.  Just because you have a tattoo of a winged foot and a watch tan does not make you a badass.  People admire our sport because they can’t do it, but then some person opens their mouth and they immediately lose respect for us.  “Ohhh, we don’t just run.  We EXPERIENCE things like wind and rain, it’s actually badass.  You might pound beer but I pound my feet on the ROADS.”  God I just hated half of high school running right there.
  • Quotes, Quotes, Quotes.  For a bunch of people that love their sport, we sure like to throw the same old Steve Prefontaine quotes in everybody’s face.  If you befriend a runner expect more “quotes” than your religious friends.  I hate Steve Prefontaine by the way.  He’s the Babe Ruth of our sport (though without any titles or medals to show for) and has ruined running for every single person that just wants to do their sport in peace and quiet.  He was an awesome runner and cool dude but God, his legacy has really gone to hell.  Weird uncoordinated kids wear Pre t-shirts and lament how Without Limits has never won an Oscar.  Also Nike retweets some awful quote like “When they are sleeping, you are training….because YOU AREN’T EVERYONE else” and then I realize how useless I am.  Thanks Nike.  That quote just made me hate the fact that I don’t pound the hell out of the roads everyday and hurt myself.  If I’m healthy, I’m NOT DOING IT RIGHT.  Ever see someone try to make their own quote?  They just sound like the worst Philosophy minor ever.
  • Neon.  Guilty.  I got a bunch of cool running stuff for Christmas and all of it is neon.  That way traffic can see me all the way from East Stroudsburg.  Still outside of deadmau5 concerts, you will never see as much neon than when you see a group of athletes training during indoor track season.  It’s just a given.
  • Our own sport hates us.  I’m pretty sure on every single track team, the distance team is the least popular on it.  If I were a sprinter, I would’ve punched about five of my current teammates by the time I graduated.  “Pshh, they are doing FOUR 200s?  That’s not even a 1k!  SPRINTERS ARE WEAK”, “The only race that matters involve steeple barriers”, “ugh you guys are complaining?  Try running 9 miles OUTSIDE” are some of the quotes I have heard in my three and a half years in college.  Here’s how most distance runners see other track athletes.  Sprinters=soft, Throwers=Lucky (they do NOTHING!!!), Pole Vaulting=That looks fun and Jumping=I bet I can do that.  Seriously that’s how these people think.  There’s a reason why we get our eyes rolled at when we are sitting around at practice giggling in our short shorts.  Guilty there though.
  • “How Do You Do That”.  I alluded to this earlier in the first subject but if you are not a runner (or better yet not an athlete in general), please ask any distance runner you know “how do you do that?”.  Their eyes will light up and the conversation will start off with a bunch of “oh, it’s no big deal” but it will end with how only they can run because you don’t get it.  Okay, I just reiterated point #1.

Trust me, I’ll do other sports though since it would be unfair to stop here.

The 45 Worst People At Your Campus

2 Feb

If there is one common theme on this blog it’s the simple fact that I likely hate everything that is going on in the world.  Actually scratch that, I’m a mostly happy person that is usually laughing as opposed to being haughty and cynical.  So I guess I just prefer making fun of things instead of dismissing everything.  However, college is a real gold mine for people like me because of the wide array of people to be thankful that you are not friends with.

Now all universities are filled with roughly the same people.  Don’t worry, your cafeteria is probably just as lousy as every other state school.  No, parties aren’t “better” or “worse” than any other public school in America and yes, professors are vague everywhere.  But what about the people?  What makes college students so much worse than anything else about college?  Here is a comprehensive guide (print it out, share on campuses because we must spread the word) on who are the worst people at your campus.  Please keep in mind that saying “that SO describes my one friend” will happen numerous times and people can be more than one thing.

  1. Former Lacrosse players – Make no mistake about it, I hate these people more than anything.  “BRAH NATTY LIGHT” is literally what their transcript says.  They wear the same cutoff tank tops, Target graphic T-shirts and always brag about their latest p90x stunts.  “DOOD just completed INSANITY….it was INSANE!”.  Also listen to whatever the trendy white college-aged rapper is.  So now it’s Mackelmore.
  2. Monday morning sports fans – Yeah I love sports too but it’s quite exhausting to trudge into an 8am class and seeing a guy rocking a Brian Dawkins Eagles jersey and giving a condensed highlight reel of Sunday’s game.  It’s actually worse when their team loses because they go from SUPERFAN to armchair coach and offer inspiring nuggets such as “FIRE ANDY REID” or “We should totally resign Donovan McNabb”.  Vapid sports talk should be left to Skip Bayless and Rick Reilly.
  3. OCD Girls – Okay obsessive compulsive disorder isn’t funny at all.  However, faux OCD girls are the worst.  “OHMIGOD, I HAVE SUCH BAD OCD….I NEED TO MAKE SURE MY PENCILS ARE STRAIGHT”.  No, that isn’t OCD.  OCD doesn’t mean annoying.
  4. Finals Week heroes – “I just spent the last 36 hours in the library studying for this final” does not impress me when we are taking AP Kindergarten (Sociology).
  5. Sniffly – How come in every class there is someone that is permanently sick?  I always have to sit next to Ms. SNIFFSNIFFSNIFF in each lecture class.  Eventually I just tune out the professor and try to get the lap splits of every sniff she takes.  “OH HO HO OH, it took her 30 seconds to sniff again!  A new PR!”
  6. Teacher Warriors – Look, I’m no expert in the History of Pennsylvania, hence why I’m taking it currently, but I’d like to imagine that the professor knows more about PA than you do.  I just got a sneaking suspicion that the 3.0 GPA student from Boyertown might just not know as much as they think they do.  Then again, just a guess.  I understand that people like to voice their opinions all the time to wow the sleepy classroom with their sharp intellect but no talent agent is going to discover you here.
  7. My Internship Rocks! – Nothing pisses me off more than the first week of classes, when someone tells them about their internship.  Dude, you go to Kutztown there’s no way you directly reported to President Obama.   I just can’t buy into that.  Also, there’s no way you almost contracted diphtheria when I assume you were just a glorified errand runner.
  8. Afterparty Highlights – “Well first we went to the Volleyball girls house, they were so hot.  But then we went to Phi Beta Keystone Light and almost got into a fight because we were hitting on their girlfriends.  After we hit up some pizza, we passed out after playing some Call of Duty.” Hashtag don’t care.
  9. Anonymous starer – Our generation’s “chicken or the egg” argument is what happens when someone who is clearly daydreaming looks RIGHT. AT. YOU.  “Are they aware they are looking at me?  Do they think I’m looking at them?  Why is their mouth slightly agape?”
  10. Metal Guy – Always rails against the current popular artist and goes “you don’t understand real music” and cite bands called DEATHFOOT and REDANUS.
  11. Guitar Bros – Usually seen with a guitar and in-between classes, they find the nearest grassy hill and begin strumming to something that sounds like either John Mayer or Creed.  White dudes with guitars will never end, “today….today is the day….that I become….a star”.
  12. Coffee Smugs – Seen everywhere with a coffee cup, this person will dissect the New Yorker for you while gently chortling (a word only they use) about how the non-pretentious world operates.  Dicks.
  13. Sunbathers – It’s about 65 degrees and you are sunbathing outside, that’s ridiculous.  I mean, the dumbass in me does flock to my windows to stare idly at them but the other half in me does laugh at the logic behind it. You know what you’re doing and well-played.
  14. Trenchfoots – If it’s 90 or -9, one individual will be seen in a trenchcoat.  Either they are 6’5 with bowlcuts or 5’2 with huge glasses and berets.  Nowhere in between.
  15. Rally’ers – For some reason there is always someone that whenever they answer a question in a history, political or philosophy class will answer a question like they are trying to rally a revolution.  Once in my American Government class a guy was talking about the electoral college which was picked because “THEY don’t trust us”.  He looked around impressively and no one at 9:00am gave a damn what he said, he was never heard from again.
  16. Testes – Only show up for tests.  Somehow get better grades than you.
  17. Chiddy Bangers – One kid raps to himself, the other taps on his desk like they are drums.  Put them together and you get Chiddy Bang.
  18. Wanderer – Sits in the front of the classroom after showing up five minutes late and perpetually looks confused, this is the one person from your class though that you will see in every single building on campus just walking by themselves with their mouths agape.  God I hate wanderers, for the sole reason that if it weren’t for a team or a girlfriend, that would be me.
  19. Wannabe hippies – The hippies in the 1960s did sit-ins, acid and listened to the Beatles.  They got shot at, they rioted, they actually tried to inspire social change.  Just because you think you are a free spirit and wear tie-dye/beads does not make you a hippie.  In fact it makes you a complete dumbass.  I’m frankly shocked that people like this still exist.  Also you’re 1.0 GPA isn’t because of the mainstream media or the establishment, it’s because of you.
  20. Jockstraps – “How the hell does a person who went to a school of 400 people have three track jackets, two hoodies, four long sleeve t-shirts and eight short sleeve t-shirts with their high school team on them?  Did they secretly go to Oregon?”
  21. You Had A Bad Day….. – Jesus, smile for a second at least.  I swear I won’t yell at you.
  22. Anonymous Stoner – Sweet hoodie that every other stoner in the world has, oh you like Scarface and Bob Marley as well?
  23. Clubbed Feats – There is always some new club opening up within five miles of every college.  Then you get a little magnet thrown on your car or placed on your door that has something like “WEST CHESTER VS. EAST STROUDSBURG:  REP MY SCHOOL!”.  All of these fake clubs do the same exact thing and it’s a wonder it hasn’t been shut down until ya know, it gets shut down.  Also one person on your wing will swear by it.
  24. Incomers – Transfers who are already defeated and just looking to prolong the agony.
  25. Outcomers – “I CANNOT WAIT….TO GO TO….(insert State school)”
  26. Paddies – Texting in class and trying to get away with it is a past time that I would love to see never end.  Even if the professor doesn’t give a damn about texting, it still feels exhilarating when you make an illegal text.  “Ooohhhh, I’m deceptive!” but then you got the kid who sits alongside the wall messing with his iPad and you realize that our past time is being destroyed already.
  27. Smirkers – “What the hell is so funny?  You didn’t get the professor’s joke, there’s no way you got that Millard Fillmore reference”
  28. Illegible Receivers – I hate professors who have lousy handwriting.  Not because I can’t understand them but they always feel the need to make a joke about that.  As I stated before, it’s impossible to go through the first week of any semester without a Professor going “now, consult your books on Ancient Egypt so you can decipher my hieroglyphics”.  Or ones that can’t spell either.
  29. Technologically Illiterate Professors – “You kids and your MySpaceBooks and sending Teats at each other”….c’mon you are like….40 and you have your PhD you know what Facebook and Twitter are.
  30. New Years Resolvers – Awww you went to the gym on the first day, now hurry on up so the people who update their status everytime they go to the gym can have their benches back.
  31. “Simple Boy” – Wears camouflage everything or the same jeans.  Always misses class on the first day of hunting season and live at Cabela’s.
  32. Young Money Cash Girl – Any white girl from New Jersey who likes Lil Wayne or Drake.  Trust me, they are all the same.
  33. Employed Student – I hate employed students.  Hey, I’m cool with the whole “I NEED MONEY” thing and finding a way to remedy that solution.  Then these people always come to class right on time and always are in a hassle.  “I almost got into THREE CAR ACCIDENTS, and there was a huge traffic jam on 222.  People just don’t know how to drive these days!”.  Well, that’s what happens on “rush hour” and you had to have seen that coming if you are working.  Also, you’ve been driving for three years.
  34. Shady Book People – At the end of the semester when you are completely sterile from all the studying that finals week entails, you will try to sell your $200 books back for $5 and a free fun-size piece of candy.  Knowing how much a ripoff the student book stores are, outside vendors will take residence JUST outside of school grounds and pretend to offer a better deal.  But usually their headquarters is in a shady van that you were told to stay away from.
  35. Theatre Majors – Somehow I forgot them in my “Why Your Major Sucks” piece but theatre majors always are against the world.  “You don’t understand SOUL”.  Also theatre is always getting defunded because if you go to a state school, you aren’t going to be Gregory Peck.
  36. “Healthy” People – When you are in a large group of friends, sometimes a few “health” freaks will ruin it.  Emphasis on the freaks instead of the health.  Suddenly lunch/dinner becomes not only a contest on who can eat healthiest but who can eat less as well.  “Oh my god, I don’t want a cookie; I’ll get fat”.  No you won’t but you will likely be lonely for the rest of your life.
  37. Any Person That Works At Your Dining Hall – They range from humans your age to neanderthals.  Literally.  I’ve seen people sweat on burgers, heard loud crashes with screams following them and have had three mugs ripped from my hands before putting it back.  No one knows what happens behind closed doors in the cafeterias, but I guarantee it’s HELL.
  38. Scooters – Any person that uses a scooter that’s over the age of 10 should be evaluated for science.  If you are doing it on a college campus while thousands of students are trying to walk you deserve public execution.
  39. Humans Vs. Zombies – Just Google it so I don’t have to explain it.  I want to keep my sanity.
  40. Quidditch – Qudditch was one of the cooler parts of Harry Potter.  However it’s one of the scariest parts of college.  “Uhh, they realize it’s a fictional piece of work, right?”  If one of your friends play Quidditch, tell them to sneak into Gringotts.
  41. Whoever the person sitting behind you is – Is there a rule that the class d-bag has to be situated behind you wherever you go?  I swear it is in the Constitution.
  42. Essay Question Professors – Look it’s a gen ed, give me a Scantron and “participation points” (aka points that are earned from not participating) and then our relationship ends in four months.  You aren’t going to change my perspective on Stamps by trying to be Robin Williams in the Deaf Poets Society.
  43. Slow Walkers – If you are going to walk at a sloth pace, wake up earlier.
  44. Class Eaters – This is my ultimate pet peeve in class.  Nothing irritates me more when people eat in class.  You have 10 minutes before class, you can excuse yourself and sit outside until 1:00pm to eat.  You and your damn bag of chips and cream cheese that smells like whatever old cheese smells like.  If you don’t have time to eat, then schedule your classes better.  If you couldn’t get better classes, then just sit away from me.
  45. High School Heroes – Let it go man, it’s over.

John McCain Blocks Kitten Adoption

2 Feb

In a move that will likely shock no one on Capital Hill or anyone with a pulse (much apologies to Marco Rubio), Arizona senior Senator John McCain has blocked the adoption of a kitten named Furball.  Furball, 18 weeks old, is a Mainecoon cat who was adopted by the Webber family but his adoption has come under fire thanks the family’s patriarch, Mark.

Mark Webber, 28, claimed he wanted Furball to use as an anniversary gift for his wife Mona.  But after an investigation by Oscar (Mayer) award winning director James O’Keefe, Mark’s past allegiances have come under fire.

It turns out that Mark Webber has actually refused to state why he wanted the kitten.  We have heard from reliable sources in my head that Webber graduated from Akron.  As most of you remember, ACORN was the non-profit that gave the Presidency to barack HUSSEIN obama in 2008.  Webber also has a form of dyslexia…Akron….ACORN….I really don’t need to spell it out for you anymore.

John McCain, who lost the 2008 presidential race to President Obama, has taken the scandalous report from O’Keefe and requested a Congressional inquiry to the Webber family.  McCain, made references to the Communist Party and the Webber family as well as wanting to launch an investigative inquiry into Akron University as well.

They are communists.  I want to investigate them.  And Akron.

TheBLAZE will be following this story as it develops but we must insist that you haven’t even heard this story elsewhere.  What’s Barack Obama hiding?  Is Mark Webber related to Shirley Sherrod?  Stay tuned.