The 45 Worst People At Your Campus

2 Feb

If there is one common theme on this blog it’s the simple fact that I likely hate everything that is going on in the world.  Actually scratch that, I’m a mostly happy person that is usually laughing as opposed to being haughty and cynical.  So I guess I just prefer making fun of things instead of dismissing everything.  However, college is a real gold mine for people like me because of the wide array of people to be thankful that you are not friends with.

Now all universities are filled with roughly the same people.  Don’t worry, your cafeteria is probably just as lousy as every other state school.  No, parties aren’t “better” or “worse” than any other public school in America and yes, professors are vague everywhere.  But what about the people?  What makes college students so much worse than anything else about college?  Here is a comprehensive guide (print it out, share on campuses because we must spread the word) on who are the worst people at your campus.  Please keep in mind that saying “that SO describes my one friend” will happen numerous times and people can be more than one thing.

  1. Former Lacrosse players – Make no mistake about it, I hate these people more than anything.  “BRAH NATTY LIGHT” is literally what their transcript says.  They wear the same cutoff tank tops, Target graphic T-shirts and always brag about their latest p90x stunts.  “DOOD just completed INSANITY….it was INSANE!”.  Also listen to whatever the trendy white college-aged rapper is.  So now it’s Mackelmore.
  2. Monday morning sports fans – Yeah I love sports too but it’s quite exhausting to trudge into an 8am class and seeing a guy rocking a Brian Dawkins Eagles jersey and giving a condensed highlight reel of Sunday’s game.  It’s actually worse when their team loses because they go from SUPERFAN to armchair coach and offer inspiring nuggets such as “FIRE ANDY REID” or “We should totally resign Donovan McNabb”.  Vapid sports talk should be left to Skip Bayless and Rick Reilly.
  3. OCD Girls – Okay obsessive compulsive disorder isn’t funny at all.  However, faux OCD girls are the worst.  “OHMIGOD, I HAVE SUCH BAD OCD….I NEED TO MAKE SURE MY PENCILS ARE STRAIGHT”.  No, that isn’t OCD.  OCD doesn’t mean annoying.
  4. Finals Week heroes – “I just spent the last 36 hours in the library studying for this final” does not impress me when we are taking AP Kindergarten (Sociology).
  5. Sniffly – How come in every class there is someone that is permanently sick?  I always have to sit next to Ms. SNIFFSNIFFSNIFF in each lecture class.  Eventually I just tune out the professor and try to get the lap splits of every sniff she takes.  “OH HO HO OH, it took her 30 seconds to sniff again!  A new PR!”
  6. Teacher Warriors – Look, I’m no expert in the History of Pennsylvania, hence why I’m taking it currently, but I’d like to imagine that the professor knows more about PA than you do.  I just got a sneaking suspicion that the 3.0 GPA student from Boyertown might just not know as much as they think they do.  Then again, just a guess.  I understand that people like to voice their opinions all the time to wow the sleepy classroom with their sharp intellect but no talent agent is going to discover you here.
  7. My Internship Rocks! – Nothing pisses me off more than the first week of classes, when someone tells them about their internship.  Dude, you go to Kutztown there’s no way you directly reported to President Obama.   I just can’t buy into that.  Also, there’s no way you almost contracted diphtheria when I assume you were just a glorified errand runner.
  8. Afterparty Highlights – “Well first we went to the Volleyball girls house, they were so hot.  But then we went to Phi Beta Keystone Light and almost got into a fight because we were hitting on their girlfriends.  After we hit up some pizza, we passed out after playing some Call of Duty.” Hashtag don’t care.
  9. Anonymous starer – Our generation’s “chicken or the egg” argument is what happens when someone who is clearly daydreaming looks RIGHT. AT. YOU.  “Are they aware they are looking at me?  Do they think I’m looking at them?  Why is their mouth slightly agape?”
  10. Metal Guy – Always rails against the current popular artist and goes “you don’t understand real music” and cite bands called DEATHFOOT and REDANUS.
  11. Guitar Bros – Usually seen with a guitar and in-between classes, they find the nearest grassy hill and begin strumming to something that sounds like either John Mayer or Creed.  White dudes with guitars will never end, “today….today is the day….that I become….a star”.
  12. Coffee Smugs – Seen everywhere with a coffee cup, this person will dissect the New Yorker for you while gently chortling (a word only they use) about how the non-pretentious world operates.  Dicks.
  13. Sunbathers – It’s about 65 degrees and you are sunbathing outside, that’s ridiculous.  I mean, the dumbass in me does flock to my windows to stare idly at them but the other half in me does laugh at the logic behind it. You know what you’re doing and well-played.
  14. Trenchfoots – If it’s 90 or -9, one individual will be seen in a trenchcoat.  Either they are 6’5 with bowlcuts or 5’2 with huge glasses and berets.  Nowhere in between.
  15. Rally’ers – For some reason there is always someone that whenever they answer a question in a history, political or philosophy class will answer a question like they are trying to rally a revolution.  Once in my American Government class a guy was talking about the electoral college which was picked because “THEY don’t trust us”.  He looked around impressively and no one at 9:00am gave a damn what he said, he was never heard from again.
  16. Testes – Only show up for tests.  Somehow get better grades than you.
  17. Chiddy Bangers – One kid raps to himself, the other taps on his desk like they are drums.  Put them together and you get Chiddy Bang.
  18. Wanderer – Sits in the front of the classroom after showing up five minutes late and perpetually looks confused, this is the one person from your class though that you will see in every single building on campus just walking by themselves with their mouths agape.  God I hate wanderers, for the sole reason that if it weren’t for a team or a girlfriend, that would be me.
  19. Wannabe hippies – The hippies in the 1960s did sit-ins, acid and listened to the Beatles.  They got shot at, they rioted, they actually tried to inspire social change.  Just because you think you are a free spirit and wear tie-dye/beads does not make you a hippie.  In fact it makes you a complete dumbass.  I’m frankly shocked that people like this still exist.  Also you’re 1.0 GPA isn’t because of the mainstream media or the establishment, it’s because of you.
  20. Jockstraps – “How the hell does a person who went to a school of 400 people have three track jackets, two hoodies, four long sleeve t-shirts and eight short sleeve t-shirts with their high school team on them?  Did they secretly go to Oregon?”
  21. You Had A Bad Day….. – Jesus, smile for a second at least.  I swear I won’t yell at you.
  22. Anonymous Stoner – Sweet hoodie that every other stoner in the world has, oh you like Scarface and Bob Marley as well?
  23. Clubbed Feats – There is always some new club opening up within five miles of every college.  Then you get a little magnet thrown on your car or placed on your door that has something like “WEST CHESTER VS. EAST STROUDSBURG:  REP MY SCHOOL!”.  All of these fake clubs do the same exact thing and it’s a wonder it hasn’t been shut down until ya know, it gets shut down.  Also one person on your wing will swear by it.
  24. Incomers – Transfers who are already defeated and just looking to prolong the agony.
  25. Outcomers – “I CANNOT WAIT….TO GO TO….(insert State school)”
  26. Paddies – Texting in class and trying to get away with it is a past time that I would love to see never end.  Even if the professor doesn’t give a damn about texting, it still feels exhilarating when you make an illegal text.  “Ooohhhh, I’m deceptive!” but then you got the kid who sits alongside the wall messing with his iPad and you realize that our past time is being destroyed already.
  27. Smirkers – “What the hell is so funny?  You didn’t get the professor’s joke, there’s no way you got that Millard Fillmore reference”
  28. Illegible Receivers – I hate professors who have lousy handwriting.  Not because I can’t understand them but they always feel the need to make a joke about that.  As I stated before, it’s impossible to go through the first week of any semester without a Professor going “now, consult your books on Ancient Egypt so you can decipher my hieroglyphics”.  Or ones that can’t spell either.
  29. Technologically Illiterate Professors – “You kids and your MySpaceBooks and sending Teats at each other”….c’mon you are like….40 and you have your PhD you know what Facebook and Twitter are.
  30. New Years Resolvers – Awww you went to the gym on the first day, now hurry on up so the people who update their status everytime they go to the gym can have their benches back.
  31. “Simple Boy” – Wears camouflage everything or the same jeans.  Always misses class on the first day of hunting season and live at Cabela’s.
  32. Young Money Cash Girl – Any white girl from New Jersey who likes Lil Wayne or Drake.  Trust me, they are all the same.
  33. Employed Student – I hate employed students.  Hey, I’m cool with the whole “I NEED MONEY” thing and finding a way to remedy that solution.  Then these people always come to class right on time and always are in a hassle.  “I almost got into THREE CAR ACCIDENTS, and there was a huge traffic jam on 222.  People just don’t know how to drive these days!”.  Well, that’s what happens on “rush hour” and you had to have seen that coming if you are working.  Also, you’ve been driving for three years.
  34. Shady Book People – At the end of the semester when you are completely sterile from all the studying that finals week entails, you will try to sell your $200 books back for $5 and a free fun-size piece of candy.  Knowing how much a ripoff the student book stores are, outside vendors will take residence JUST outside of school grounds and pretend to offer a better deal.  But usually their headquarters is in a shady van that you were told to stay away from.
  35. Theatre Majors – Somehow I forgot them in my “Why Your Major Sucks” piece but theatre majors always are against the world.  “You don’t understand SOUL”.  Also theatre is always getting defunded because if you go to a state school, you aren’t going to be Gregory Peck.
  36. “Healthy” People – When you are in a large group of friends, sometimes a few “health” freaks will ruin it.  Emphasis on the freaks instead of the health.  Suddenly lunch/dinner becomes not only a contest on who can eat healthiest but who can eat less as well.  “Oh my god, I don’t want a cookie; I’ll get fat”.  No you won’t but you will likely be lonely for the rest of your life.
  37. Any Person That Works At Your Dining Hall – They range from humans your age to neanderthals.  Literally.  I’ve seen people sweat on burgers, heard loud crashes with screams following them and have had three mugs ripped from my hands before putting it back.  No one knows what happens behind closed doors in the cafeterias, but I guarantee it’s HELL.
  38. Scooters – Any person that uses a scooter that’s over the age of 10 should be evaluated for science.  If you are doing it on a college campus while thousands of students are trying to walk you deserve public execution.
  39. Humans Vs. Zombies – Just Google it so I don’t have to explain it.  I want to keep my sanity.
  40. Quidditch – Qudditch was one of the cooler parts of Harry Potter.  However it’s one of the scariest parts of college.  “Uhh, they realize it’s a fictional piece of work, right?”  If one of your friends play Quidditch, tell them to sneak into Gringotts.
  41. Whoever the person sitting behind you is – Is there a rule that the class d-bag has to be situated behind you wherever you go?  I swear it is in the Constitution.
  42. Essay Question Professors – Look it’s a gen ed, give me a Scantron and “participation points” (aka points that are earned from not participating) and then our relationship ends in four months.  You aren’t going to change my perspective on Stamps by trying to be Robin Williams in the Deaf Poets Society.
  43. Slow Walkers – If you are going to walk at a sloth pace, wake up earlier.
  44. Class Eaters – This is my ultimate pet peeve in class.  Nothing irritates me more when people eat in class.  You have 10 minutes before class, you can excuse yourself and sit outside until 1:00pm to eat.  You and your damn bag of chips and cream cheese that smells like whatever old cheese smells like.  If you don’t have time to eat, then schedule your classes better.  If you couldn’t get better classes, then just sit away from me.
  45. High School Heroes – Let it go man, it’s over.
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