Now that the second week of classes is wrapping it up, you start to get a feel for your schedule. You find out exactly how long you can have lunch until you have to rush to your next class, you know when you can do work but more importantly; you realize which classes you should’ve never taken in the first place. Now that your first week optimism has faded away (“This semester…4.0 OR BUST”) to be replaced by cynicism (“Well, looks like we got a little too ahead of ourselves”); you also realized that you already hate half of your classes.
Trust me I do already. I’m practically done with MEGALECTURE classes in which half the school takes dazed notes on Intro to Bio because we have to (“Thanks a ton OBAMA”) so now I have the classes of the classroom variety. Totally sucks. Now I can’t deceptively text and look like I’m paying attention. So instead of taking notes, I just observe the people in the classroom like every well known serial killer has done anyway. I’m sure half the class has branded me a “THAT GUY” since I lean against the wall in class. I always believe people are looking at me going “Jeez, will he just stare at someone else?” so instead, I just zone out at the teacher.
But trust me, the rest of your class sucks. It’s a proven fact by nineteen different jurisdictions that all colleges courses suck. Even the good ones have people you hate that ruin it.
So let’s take a look at who’s who in your classroom, we’ll break it down by rows.
THE FRONT ROW
The front row of the class is a mixed bag of awfulness. Usually the first seat by the door is always reserved for the guy/girl who rushes in at 11:59am. They have the look of someone who will totally update their status saying “UGH THIS DAY” the moment they find a computer/smartphone. Their hair is always windswept and they have the wide-eyed look of someone who just made it in time. Like if they were a minute late, they definitely would say something like “don’t judge me” in a voice of panic-induced tonality. These people have at least five jobs that range from useless to idiotic and are such compulsive neat freaks that you forget they are always running around. I’m on to you, I know you don’t do anything in the library but drink coffee.
There’s usually two empty seats in the front row as well. People leave those open because it’s proven that professors only call on people who are in the back of the class to check if they are paying attention or those who are within arms reach of them. So people compensate by moving a row back and hoping someone sits in front of them. Never works.
The guy who laughs at all the professor’s awful jokes will have a place in the front row. Instead of trying to correct the professor, this person will literally write anything they said. “Hitler, the twenty-second President of the United States, was a big fan of the Reading Phillies”. This person usually has a sidekick to that might sit next to them or behind them. Professors aren’t funny unless they curse. Then they are just old guys who make jokes about yellow fever or the bubonic plague. The people who laugh can be punched according the US Constitution by the way.
The front row is concluded by the kid who sits next to the window. He’s the class clown without friends and usually knows the professor pretty well so he can say “zany things”. Always has their hood up and always leaning against the radiator. Why? I don’t know but don’t talk to them. They’ll curse the professor out after class but will totally kiss their ass in class. You’ve been warned.
The smartest kids sit in the middle of the room. That’s why I always go towards the wall. In the middle of the classroom, you have the biggest variety of students. There are the bookworms who get 100s on every single test or assignment and the whole class immediately knows they are smarter than you. Then there are the kids who you go “hey, who the hell is that?” in late April. It always amazes me how students can go unnoticed for a whole semester. What do they do? If they aren’t answering questions, making awful jokes or sleeping; what do they do? Screw them, all professors should call out students for being boring wastes of space. I think instead of “participation” grades we should grade students on their level of either intellect or entertainment value. If you are neither, AUTOMATIC EXPLUSION.
Also in the middle of the class will be students who use laptops to type up their notes. Even if the kid never says a word, everyone in the class will hate them. There’s something about someone who uses a laptop that just makes you hate them. It’s probably because you wish that were you so you could like statuses and retweet awful Will Ferrell parody accounts instead of writing notes on the Iroquois.
Your only friend will be situated here too. My one goal in every class is to have a “class ally” that you can talk to after and before class. Maybe you’ll get lucky and have a few but I always need one person to keep my sanity. I usually use this person to try out any joke that I think is funny or to one-by-one blast every person in the classroom. This person has to like me.
The last person who is in the middle is the generic class elder. The person who remarks “man, back in my day” and you resist rolling your eyes while everyone else does anyway. This person will get a few inside jokes the professors say (“man, how about THAT DEPRESSION”) even though they are only like twenty years older than you. I applaud you for going back to school, honestly I do, but could you at least be the cool older person in class? The one who smokes Marlboros and was actually kicked out of a University in the 80s for public nudity or something? Why isn’t every college like a sitcom?
I’m in the back of one of my classes and I hate it. Why? Because the people are the worst. In one corner you have the three bros that recap every single thing they did. “BRAH I JUST ATE A BURGER”, “DOOD BURGERS ARE AWESOME”, “KEYSTONELIGHT!” is their vocabulary. One will look exactly like Mac Miller. The other will always wear a different snapback hat and the third is the one who is pledged to some frat and is oddly credentialed. You hate that the guy has power too because it means that all institutions are going straight to hell.
Then there is the anonymous stoner who everyone laughs with. Not at, but with because usually they are funny even if they have a bizarre bad temper.
Lastly, in the back corner is the one kid that everyone fears. Professors don’t call on them, students don’t talk to them and they choose to be there right before the class begins. No one is particularly worried about him doing anything actually bad, but they just creep the hell out of them. Seriously, you expect this person to have castrated goats for a living or something. They actually do.