Your Sport Sucks: A Look At Why You Are Mediocre

12 Feb

I’m an athlete.  Okay, I run DII Cross Country & Track and my other athletic experience goes as high as Freshman Baseball…in high school.  But as an athlete and a major sports fan, I get it.  I follow all of these sports in some capacity and get the whole “thrill and love of the game” as well as that whole “beauty” thing too.

That being said, all athletes are slightly full of themselves.  Okay, completely full of themselves.  We believe that each sport isn’t as worthy as ours and yet we seek to dismantle any non-athlete who thinks they are equals.

So that being said, let’s see why your sport sucks. (Please remember, this isn’t about any one school or profession but of the best and brightest stereotypes in each sport….so yes, it’s not completely accurate).

BASEBALL:  It hurts me as baseball was my first true love growing up.  Nonetheless, as you get older; you realize that damn, baseball bros exist.  Bros in all sports (look no further than Ryan Lochte, Bryce Harper, Rob Gronkowski and Tony Romo for starters) exist but baseball ones are quite rare.  Some of them are business majors who are ready to be done with aluminum bats and others are members of the NRA equivalent for SKOAL users.  Baseball players aren’t redneck or hillbilly at all, but are the types that drink Pabst on nightly occasions while giving tippers to their teammates.  Also you hear the weirdest stories surrounding baseball players.  “Yo some kid just took a shot of Icy Hot last night…it was WILD”.

BASKETBALL:  Ever watch a basketball game?  The combination of size, speed and athletic ability is off the charts.  But then off the court, these are the guys who never take off their warmups at all.  EVER.  Back in high school, basketball games were the best parts of the week when winter rolled around.  But there was always some type of corruption as GPAs were always uhh…”evolving”.  Plus there is a goofy white guy on every team that gives folks hope.

CROSS COUNTRY:  Already said it.

FOOTBALL:  Since football teams are the biggest and thus the most diverse group of students on any college campus, they are a lot harder to pinpoint.  There are the bros who relish their status as third-string fullback and weasel their way into every friend circle.  The true stars of the football team has to put up with the tagalong backups who clearly try to study with them.  The football team, if they do well, leads to the burning down of everything.  One time I saw a football player try to steal a gumball machine from the pizza shop in town.  It was awesome, though it was 3:00pm in November so actually it was completely unrelated to winning games.  Still cool.  The rest of the football team is on autopilot from now until the season starts again and it shows.  If it weren’t for spring practices, I think half the football team at ANY University would just drop out and rejoin.  Hell, I would.

LACROSSE:  Every time I reference “DOOD” or “NATTYLIGHT” or “P90X”, I am talking about LAX bros.  The biggest scourge of any college campuses are former lacrosse players.  Seriously, tell me one ex-player that was not the worst caricature of a stereotypical college dbag?  “BRAHHH, CHECK OUT MY NEW TAT :reveals tricep tattoo of a Jigglypuff:, ISN’T THAT COOL?”.  It’s a shame to because lacrosse is one of the most badass of all sports, when the Native Americans played they used HEADS of tribal chiefs they defeated in battles (NOTE:  I have no idea if this is true as I just made it up).  Lacrosse is what Patrick Kane, Bryce Harper, Ryan Lochte, Mac Miller, JJ Redick, any Romney son and Matthew McConaughey would play if they weren’t who they were.  They are the guys who rock American Eagle tanktops in 50-degree weather with Raybans on.  They are the type that always talk about frats but only go to the parties.  They are the type that go to the gym and tell EVERYONE about it.  “YEAH BRAH I GOT MY SWELL ON GETTING HUSKY”.  Ever fad is jumped on by these brahs.  Remember bros icing bros?  Only lacrosse players do because people stopped caring.  These are also the guys who won the award of “Most Likely To Say Some Homophobic/Racist Things” in high school.  They are predominantly white kids who use the n-word to talk about their fellow white friends.  They listen to Odd Future and talk about how they just “DON’T GIVE A F LIKE I DO”.  Worst people on Earth.

SOCCER:  Imagine every upper-middle class family who knows their place in society and flaunt it altogether on one playing field.  I present to you soccer.  Just a step below lacrosse but with more entitlement and less usage of BRAH.  Remember that prick that always wore Hollister in high school?  He played soccer.  How about the last kid in America that had a dyed-blonde faux hawk?  Soccer player.  My best bet is that due to the European influences of the sport, these folks all secretly think they are Cristiano Ronaldo or David Beckham (off the pitch mind you).  However unlike lacrosse players, once soccer players leave their sport; they reintegrate in society pretty quickly.

SWIMMING:  All you need to know about swimming is that Ryan Lochte says “Jeah”.  I think that sums up swimming quite adequately.

TENNIS:  How the hell did I forget about the tennis team in my first draft?  Well I guess that practically explains it.  I have learned throughout my times in life that tennis players can be some of the worst of the worst people.  The arrogance that radiates off of them is always visible in the air, somehow they think winning any match is akin to winning Wimbledon.  Tennis players dress like they are rich, act like they are above every other athlete and always flaunt their expensive gear at you.  “Yes, my racket has been tightened exquisitely, thankyouverymuch”.  You know how people talk about Roger Federer as “elegant”, well every single tennis player tries to emulate just that.  Screw tennis.

TRACK AND FIELD:  Just ignore the distance team for a second as I think I summed them up quite adequately.  But the rest of your University track team is usually the tightest knit.  I’m not saying that because I’m a member of a team but because, well yeah that’s why I said it.  Nonetheless, if someone is yelling in the dining hall odds are it’s the track team.  If someone is throwing things at people, odds are it’s a track team.  The first people doing snowball fights and making snowmen with visible erections, are definitely track team members.  Also track and field athletes are completely certain that their sport is the least cared about.  “We are the only PURE athletes in the GALAXY”.  

WRESTLING:  First off, why did they cut wrestling from the Olympics?  Half the reason the Olympics exist is because of wrestling.  That’s lame.  Anyway, wrestlers always have a chip on their shoulder and it’s hard to blame them.  I can barely force myself to eat dinner because I am a light eater, if I tried to push my stomach to new levels just so I could get pinned in 5 seconds, I’d be pissed at the world too.  Wrestlers are usually the ones who get into sparring matches with the professors, student workers, fellow teammates, coaches, custodians, athletic trainers and squirrels.  It sucks to because they wrestle, you aren’t going to tell them they can’t do things.  Punching does nothing if you can get pinned in 2.5 seconds.

Please don’t beat me up.


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