Archive | June, 2013

Ranking Who The Best Co-Workers On The Office Would Be

20 Jun

The Office is over, but I’m just getting started.  Now that the show has concluded and no characters will receive further developments and awful twists, we can now do things like this.

What made The Office so great is, and bare with me as you have heard this ad nauseam, how it celebrated mundane things such as downsizing, recessions and conflict resolutions.  Of course most of the characters were awful in their own right, but remember that is YOUR future.  You think that fancy English degree is going to get you far?  Nope, you’ll probably be in some office with a lot of people who are not fun at all.  So with that being said, we are going to put yourself into Dunder Mifflin and make you normal.  Yes, normal.  You’ll go to work, make a couple of friends, and go home.  That’s it.

So let’s get to ranking them.

  1. Darryl – Coolest guy in the Office, the one you are most likely to be friends with and actually hang out with.  Darryl Philbin was one of the more levelheaded people in the office and also the one who was able to be cool with everyone.  His final “dance scene” was perfectly symbolic of how everybody liked Darryl.
  2. Creed – Creed is number one because he’s in Quality Assurance meaning you will likely not work with him much.  Creed said about one funny thing per episode and given how little was known about him on the show with his co-workers, its perfect.  He’s awful if you are a boss, but I guarantee he’d make you laugh once per day.  Which is all you need.  Plus, you don’t have to worry about being friends with him.
  3. Pam – Normal, definitely kind of a pushover at first, but a good receptionist.  Stays out of the way, can put up with a lot and probably knows the town in and out.  Yeah, she’s too much of a pushover but Pam is the one person who probably knows everything about the boss and is dying to make fun of them.
  4. Meredith – Most likely to go to the bar for Happy Hour.  That’s cool, Meredith always wanted to have a fun time and that can be a fun thing especially considering that you would probably not hang out with her much during the day.  Win-win and guarantee you can tell stories about her.
  5. Jim – Jim is obviously everyone’s favorite character and he’d probably be the number one for everybody.  But think of this.  The guy slacks off all the time, is the second best salesman at the company, and suddenly gets promoted to co-manager, screws up and then looks for ways to get out of working.  It must suck to try and make an honest living and the smirky camera guy is much better, gets all the perks, and does half the work you do.
  6. Toby – Calm, reassuring, willing to put up with everything.  He’s most likely to keep everything quiet and its his job to listen and keep quiet.  Whiny, yes, but reliable.
  7. Phyllis – Stays out of the way for the most part but is known to be gossipy and Bob Vance seems like a tool.  You deal with her but you also deal with the occasional spreading of your gossip which is just a pain in the ass.
  8. Kevin – Remember HE is partly in charge of you getting your paycheck back.  Great in theory, probably great in out of office situations but when your money is on the line, you don’t want Kevin Malone around.
  9. Andy – He tries really hard to get your attention but is an excellent distraction, plus if you are a salesman you will probably guaranteed be better than him at your job.  He’s a security blanket, just a little too annoying to be taken more seriously plus he tries way too hard.
  10. Erin – Bubbly, funny but oh so stupid.  Probably won’t be a great friend and you’ll complain a bit and if you are having a bad day, bubbly people are just so damn awful.
  11. Oscar – No one likes a know-it-all.  Doesn’t seem to give a damn about his co-workers which is fine and dandy, makes him a good employee, but an awful person to have around.  Fact: the person that thinks they are the normal one and voice of reason are 99% of the time not.
  12. Michael – Major distraction but not a complete douche.  That’s what separates him from the rest, I don’t care if you are like “OMG I WISH HE WAS MY BOSS”, no you don’t.  He’s funny because he’s NOT funny, in real life that ISN’T funny.  What saves him is that he’s fun and if you make one friend in the office, then time will pass.
  13. Stanley – Doesn’t care, won’t know you and is kind of a major tool.  You stay clear from Stanleys.
  14. Dwight – A kissass with no redeemable qualities sounds like a recipe for avoidance.  He’s disgusting if you are a female, a tool if you are a male…he’s not a nerd as in a Big Bang Theory one but he’s also the best salesman in the office which is major frustration.
  15. Ryan – The biggest prick that ever existed on the show.  If its Ryan the Temp, he only moves up like two spots.  Anything after salesman, he could be the worst.  There is no redeemable characteristics to Ryans in real life.
  16. Kelly – A dramatic Erin, yeah no.
  17. Gabe – Paul Ryan without….nah, that’s about apt.
  18. Angela – Angelas are the worst things about the world.  Imagine a more judgmental Michele Bachmann and you get Angela; the conniving, incredibly rude and judgmental person who thinks you are going to hell.  Is there anything worse than that?  No there isn’t, Angelas are the scourge of humanity and of America.

 

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Sheetz Vs. Wawa

13 Jun

One of the biggest conundrums in modern-day American history is which Northeast gas station/convenience store is king, Wawa or Sheetz.  Ever since I stepped foot from South Jersey into central Pennsylvania, I realized that this is actually an important cultural debate.  There are battle lines, friendships to end and sandwiches to buy.  Nonetheless, one has to be superior right?  Well, thankfully you are friends with me and aware of that and I can tell you the best place to buy slightly overpriced gas, chewing tobacco, and e.coli ridden mayonnaise.  THANK ME LATER.

They places will be graded upon numerous categories.  Since I could care less, as long as I get food, I find myself to be an impartial judge.  I also have only been to about 5 WaWas and 4 Sheetz, so this is clearly not scientific.

Aesthetics

  • That’s a fun word for what the place looks like.  Since not all Wawas have gas stations (some are just simple convenience stores), I’ll just grade both of them off the “super” ones.  Sheetz looks like you are a worm inside an apple.  Everything is red and there are Zs everywhere in what seems like awful puns that some management bigwig did to try and get the youths interested in Sheetz.
  • Wawa has it down to a pat.  Maybe its my regional bias but the whole place is organized much better.  You have the row of touch-screens to order sandwiches, then your newspapers and such and you never feel cramped.  The whole circle of cashiers thing is an added touch unlike the standard two cashiers behind a cramped corner that is Sheetz.
  • Advantage:  Wawa

Food

  • Sheetz has more variety, definitely.  I’m a fan of their wraps and their chicken options are awesome.  I’ve had burgers from there, weren’t the worst but they were about what you would expect from a gas station.  In terms of their sandwiches?  They left a lot to be desired.  Unlike Wawa, their donut rack is ALWAYS being updated.  That’s big.
  • Wawa on the other hand has a more limited option but they clearly have the best hoagie (“DUH HUH YOU SAY HOAGIE NOT SUB OR HERO DUH HUH”) and their hot dogs aren’t too bad for being rolling on the rack since Kennedy was around.  I’ve only seen one donut in the display case at Wawa (which I devour on the spot) and that’s a problem.  However, Wawa’s generic sodas are far superior to Sheetz, especially the blue raspberry one.  That beats the hell out of Faygo which half of the time tastes like metamucil.  Also, every order a chocolate chip cookie from Wawa?  Amazing.  Astonishing.  Tearjerking.
  • I don’t drink coffee so I’m not one of those “I’m an OMGZOMBIE without MY COFFEE” type.  I also dislike the word “quirky”.
  • Advantage:  SPLIT DECISION.  Sheetz offers you more variety and doesn’t fail at anything.  Wawa offers you half of that but knocks them out of the park.

Consumer Happiness

  • Sheetz gives you a members card that encourages you to buy donuts en masse, as well as sandwiches, and then offers you the last one free.  They email you discounts in which you can buy something for free (Arnold Palmer Iced Teas, candy bars, etc.) and you can keep track of your purchases online.  If  you are hungry and don’t want to go home to watch sitcom reruns at 3pm, you can sit and eat outside.  If your Sheetz is under construction for a variety of reasons, you get a free beverage (note:  I don’t know if this is true everywhere but mine did).
  • You can buy t-shirts from Wawa that have the stoner Hoagiefest dude on it.  Hoagiefest also exists but its limited.  No special card, usually you have to loiter to eat outside.  Lacking.
  • Advantage:  Sheetz

Stereotypes

  • Average Sheetz consumer:  NRA, Republican, NASCAR fan, rural, white, god so white, Carhartt jeans, camouflage hats, Cabela’s lifetime membership card, Penn State fan, trucker.
  • Average Wawa consumer:  Urban, coffee diehard, only time in the outdoors is doing a Tough Mudder, nuclear family, may employ robbers, says “hoagie”, Philadelphia sports fan, social activists who think they are social activists, pale.
  • Advantage:  Uhhhhh

Accessibility

  • I can’t speak for all of Pennsylvania but all of the Sheetz I’ve seen are about 10 minutes from everything.  Oh wait, that is everything in Pennsylvania. Always off the highway, only with gas pumps.
  • Every township in South Jersey has at least one.  I have four in about a four-mile radius including one 200m from my house.  Only one of those sells gas.
  • Advantage: Wawa

Area Covered

  • Sheetz:  Central/Southern/Western PA, Eastern Ohio, scattered around West Virginia, Virginia, Maryland and North Carolina: Over 400.
  • Wawa:  Central/South Jersey, Philadelphia, Delaware, Scattered in Maryland, Virginia and Florida (word?):  Over 550.
  • Advantage:  Wawa

Winner?  Wawa.

Of course, I’m expecting the onslaught of the pro-Sheetz union to tear down this chart and I expect it.  But, they are pretty much the same exact thing; overglorified gas station + Walgreens without pharmacies.  I am exclusive to Sheetz when I’m at college and for the remainder of my time, I’m Wawa.  Somehow this debate is more toxic than pro-life vs. pro-choice.  Enough is enough.