Ranking The Harry Potter Books

15 Aug

In about a week, I will no longer be bored as I will be preparing to graduate college.  I’m pretty excited that I’m taking this victory lap of sorts as well, let’s face it; I have nothing else to do.  This extra semester is me just putting off the real world for a few more months so I can run, do two classes and accumulate debt.

But I thought I’d do one more ranking before I do nothing for a few months so why not rank the Harry Potter books?  By now you should realize that my interests are late-90s sitcoms, the Office, baseball, politics, Harry Potter, music and football.  There’s not much else about me (I’m pale!) that is of interest.

So without further ado, let’s look.

  1. Order of the Phoenix – EMOHARRY!  Half of this book is Harry flipping out on all of his friends for looking at him the wrong way.  I personally love this book because its kind of ridiculous and unnecessarily long; which is awesome.  Dolores Umbridge, aka fictional Michele Bachmann, is so awesomely horrible and so is Bellatrix.  This is the one book where evil totally wins and that’s okay in my book.

    By the way, has there been anymore of an anti-climatic death than Sirius?  He fell through a veil that’s apparently the barrier between the fictional wizarding world and the afterlife.  The hell is that?  Why didn’t those brains kill Ron anyway?  I remember someone teasing that someone would die in this book and when Ron was getting strangled; I got so excited that he would be offed.  But NOPE, they kill the godfather by having him fall through a silk blanket.  I wonder what would’ve happened had Harry ripped the veil aside?  Would there have been an axe murderer waiting?  Or would Sirius just look like one of the people from the Take on Me music video?This book was pretty great though.

    Best villains, best allusions to governmental corruption (Dumbledore’s Army = OCCUPY HOGWARTS.  By the way, I wonder how Harry taught Ron to do a Patronus?  Did he whisper to Ron “just imagine you aren’t complaining”?) and Harry kind of gets laid! (“how was the kiss?  Wet.” is one of the best lines ever), also J.K. Rowling reveals Harry to be kind of racist, “which one is Michael Corner?  THE DARK ONE.” (note: caps mine).

    The best storyline was those ever-so-goofy Weasley twins getting into mayhem.  The Weasley twins are what everyone who reads Harry Potter fantasizes about being them.  “Ohhh, we’d get into such mayhem together.  I’d make them put a Dungbomb in the giant squid!”.  Really, you’d be a Neville though.  Also saddest storyline was clearly the St. Mungo’s visit and the most awkward one ever was Hagrid teaching in front of Umbridge.

  2. Prisoner of Azkaban – Introduction to two of the best characters in Sirius and Lupin.  However, Professor Hagrid was such an awful idea.  Every single Hagrid lesson involves nearly someone getting impaled because he’s an idiot that expects everyone to be 8’1000 and made of giant blood.  Also, they are always uncomfortable even when you are reading it.  “Uhhh, Professor…I’m 13, why is this giant squid that can walk coming after me?” “WELL YER NOT DOING THIS :yanks animals genitals, they calm down:…DUH”.

    Anyway, Prisoner of Azkaban has nothing to do with Voldemort really which was a nice thing to do, honestly how many times did that guy show up during finals week?  But it shows off Hogsmeade, Cedric Diggory, the Marauder’s Map, Harry turning into EMOHARRY and the dementors.  Plus it begins with Harry blowing up his Aunt and Cornelius Fudge granting him an immediate pardon.  Gotta love Trelawney here too because she makes Hermione turn into that one awful person in every class that thinks they are wasting their time in class.  Hermione is what every girl who ever got ONE A in their life fantasizes themselves as.  “Ohhh gee, I’m such a grammar nazi; I’m JUST LIKE HERMIONE”.

    The first real HUGE mindblower was the whole Time Turner thing.  Not going to lie, it took me a few times to grasp that concept and I don’t like how effortlessly two 13-year olds did that.  I also don’t get why they didn’t stupefy Pettigrew or something.  Bounding them seems like something that a Muggle would do, but then again; Ron was there and his stupidity is probably contagious.  How many times do you think Harry walked in on Ron self-loving himself?  I bet hourly.

  3. Goblet of Fire – Ron Weasley ruins this book, like he does in every chapter of every book he’s been in since the first two where he was the lovable sidekick.  Prisoner of Azkaban hinted at it but Ron really ruined this otherwise great book.  This is the book when you realize that this series got REAL and murder became as frequent as Voldemort taking advantage of idiotic wizards.  This was the last one before Percy, Ron and Fudge all became pricks.I really liked how Harry almost had a normal summer.  His life is pretty obvious at this point.  He gets taken away from Privet Drive through a bevy of explosions or deceit, he misses the Sorting because he puts too much trust in Ron, he wins in Quidditch or nearly gets killed (does this guy ever just have a normal, lousy game?), around Thanksgiving he gets into some type of trouble, then nothing happens until winter break and then he misses finals after narrowly escaping death.This book was really no exception though the random Hufflepuffers hate him but who cares?  They are Hufflepuff, the future clerks at Wawa and Mr. Food; you aren’t missing anything without their friendship.  The Slytherins have always been little assholes for some reason and Ravenclaws are irrelevant in the book.  How many real Ravenclaw people are there?  It sounds like a Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream and its most famous “modern” wizard is Harry’s first kiss.

    Anyway Goblet of Fire is a great book.  It really is.

  4. Sorcerer’s Stone – No, I won’t be a Britwit and say “Philosopher’s Stone”.  This book, after reading the next six, seems like a Dr. Seuss book by comparison.  Its nice to read now though because its like 250 pages and the first 100 are Harry not knowing he’s a wizard.  Its fun to go through a book without having to deal with the annoying Hogwarts sidestories that J.K. Rowling introduces to waste time until Voldemort ruins finals week.Anyway, I like this book.  I like how it introduces everything (obviously since it’s the first book and all) and I do like how this is the beginning of the Harry Potter preferential treatment when he flaunts the rules and gets made a Seeker, gets like 10 points for saving Hermione from a troll, and they save the Wizarding World from an immortal Voldemort and receives what, 50 points?  That criteria is bull.  Hermione gets 15 points per class in Herbology, the weakest class ever (Professor Sprout is useless) and that’s just for knowing what plants can kill you.  What if a kid falls down and you help him up?  Is that 1 point?  I remember in middle school we did something called “Gold Cards” and for every good deed you would get, you would get a Gold Card and they’d put your name in a fish bowl and if they drew it out, you won a prize!  Well, I did all I could to get one and never did.  I purposely littered and then picked it up ONLY in front of a teacher, but got nothing.  I held the door open for the new kid (before teasing them relentlessly so they felt unwelcome) on their first day…but nothing.

    That’s what points in Hogwarts remind me of.  A pile of BS.

  5. Deathly Hallows – I didn’t like it.  I thought it was a weak conclusion though parts of it are simply brilliant.  I’ll never forgive J.K. Rowling for killing Hedwig, and I don’t care for her reasons.  Dobby’s death was sad but powerful.  However, you are telling me that in the biggest wizarding battle in history, no one really important dies?  Fred Weasley and Remus Lupin are the closest things to important?  C’mon, kill Ron.  Oh by the way, no way did he have the presence of mind to go into the Chamber of Secrets.This was Ron’s worst performance.  He ditches his friends at the worst time (because little fat ass was hungry) when the entire world has a bounty on his head too and has the audacity to show up at home after doing that.  Ron then gets to be part hero, but he did nothing of note except pulling Harry out of the ice water and we all know Snape was the real hero there.  Hermione should’ve never fallen in love with that 6’4 male version of Annie.

    This book was rushed at times though.  The best part is when they go back to Grimmauld Place (or however you spell it) and they decide to keep tabs on Umbridge.  In about one paragraph, they go from deciding to do it to “well over the past five weeks, they were taking turns spying on the Ministry”…uh, what?  You really couldn’t write a page to explain what their plan would be?  I had to deal with that awful Epilogue, you owe me.

  6. Chamber of Secrets – EMOHARRY is previewed exquisitely here.  I’ll be real though, this book wasn’t terrible but it was wayyyy too much for a kid my age when it came out.  This was before horcruxes were a thing so I kind of was in over my head reading this and always skipped it when I reread the series until the sixth book came out.I do like how Harry, the first two years, kind of always ruined everything for Oliver Wood.  I can imagine how much that kid hated Harry secretly because as an athlete (running counts!); the kid who always puts himself in danger of being hurt is the kid on the team everyone hates.  I bet one of the Chasers at one point advocated replacing Harry with someone, by the way, who would replace Harry as Seeker when he was being probed by Madam Pomfrey?  I vaguely remember someone saying (when Harry first joined) that one team forfeited because they didn’t have enough players.  This is highly critical to the series.
  7. Half – Blood Prince – I know annoying, wannabe fans of the series will say “they are sooooo important!” but I could’ve done without the annoying flashbacks to house elf memories that Dumbledore made Harry see.  It was necessary for the plotline, but god they were painful to read…I could care less about Marvolo Riddle or someone else.  Harry as a captain in Quidditch was kind of a trainwreck, after Gryffindor won in book three, it was like J.K. Rowling made sure they had a dynasty.I could do without this book, the Slug Parties were unnecessary as well.
Advertisements

12 Responses to “Ranking The Harry Potter Books”

  1. Mathew August 15, 2013 at 6:47 pm #

    You’ve made me want to re-read the series! I disagree about the books you dislike, but then the series is so much a part of my childhood that I don’t think I can look at it objectively.

  2. Jeyna Grace August 15, 2013 at 9:41 pm #

    Order of the Phoenix is my least fav… I cant take his angst, its annoying. I think it didn’t bother me when I was reading it as a teenager, now however, he’s just like my brother when he was 15. LOL.

    • lol841701254 July 4, 2015 at 1:19 am #

      That’s probably because Harry is literally 15 years old during the events of the Order of the Phoenix….

      • Jeyna Grace July 4, 2015 at 12:07 pm #

        Yea, I won’t deny that.

  3. Bryan Cucinotta August 16, 2013 at 8:43 am #

    Hahahaha! Gold cards! Those were the days!

  4. Ed Britiwit January 26, 2015 at 6:53 pm #

    Britwit? It was originally called ‘philosopher’s stone’… and guess what… J.K Rowling is British… they changed it to sorcerer’s stone because most American’s don’t understand the term ‘philosopher’…

    • joed5k January 29, 2015 at 11:54 pm #

      No shit. I’m speaking of Americans who pretentiously call it Philosopher’s

      • lol841701254 July 4, 2015 at 1:19 am #

        you’re basically a prick lmfao

  5. torrent56 January 26, 2017 at 9:27 pm #

    There are so many lies and so much stupidity in this post that I am beginning to wonder at the author’s intelligence. Let’s just see some of them.

    “EMOHARRY! Half of this book is Harry flipping out on all of his friends for looking at him the wrong way.”
    So Harry flipping out at his friends is totally OK and yet Ron letting his jealousy getting better of him once is totally not. Nice to see your hypocrisy.
    “Bounding them seems like something that a Muggle would do, but then again; Ron was there and his stupidity is probably contagious. How many times do you think Harry walked in on Ron self-loving himself? I bet hourly.”
    Yeah none of this crap makes any sense. Where did Ron ever show his supposed stupidity in this book? When he told Harry to be cautious and not go after Black? When he successfully cheered Harry up over the fact he couldn’t live with his godfather?
    Ron is self-loving for caring about the life of his pet? Or when he stood on a broken leg and faced a mass murder whom he thought was trying to kill Harry and told him to kill himself first. Wow, that is a new definition of self-loving.
    “Goblet of Fire – Ron Weasley ruins this book, like he does in every chapter of every book he’s been in since the first two where he was the lovable sidekick. Prisoner of Azkaban hinted at it but Ron really ruined this otherwise great book.”
    He is still the loving sidekick despite his occasional jealousy which is called being human. However it seems you have no problem with Harry or Hermione or Sirius being terrible people. Hypocrite.
    “This was the last one before Percy, Ron and Fudge all became pricks.”
    I would like to know what Ron did what was so bad in OotP or HBP.
    “Hermione gets 15 points per class in Herbology, the weakest class ever (Professor Sprout is useless) and that’s just for knowing what plants can kill you.”
    There isn’t an actual scene that showed Hermione getting points in Herbology and Professor Sprout really isn’t useless compared to some of the other teachers in Hogwarts. She is actually really competent you know.
    “C’mon, kill Ron. Oh by the way, no way did he have the presence of mind to go into the Chamber of Secrets.This was Ron’s worst performance.”
    Considering the fact that he did have the idea to go into the Chamber of Secrets, this is just as stupid as it sounded. But hey what do I expect from a delusional and militant Ron hater? Lol.
    He ditches his friends at the worst time (because little fat ass was hungry) when the entire world has a bounty on his head too and has the audacity to show up at home after doing that.
    He didn’t leave because he was hungry, are you a moron or what? He raised legitimate points that the camping trip was useless and Harry was too butthurt to deal with it and decided to lash out at his best friend and tell him to go home. Ron was also gravely concerned about his family you know which of course you don’t think it’s a big deal. Oh wait, you forgot Ron was influenced by a Horcrux as well. Also do you think it might make some difference that Ron immediately regretted what he did straight away you know
    Ron didn’t show up at home at the Burrow afterwards. Are you stupid or what?
    “Ron then gets to be part hero, but he did nothing of note except pulling Harry out of the ice water and we all know Snape was the real hero there.”
    He risked his life to save Harry’s I guess being willing to risk one’s life to save a friend’s is not a big deal to you showing how sick you are. You also forgot how he overcame his jealousy to stab the Horcrux but then you are probably too delusional to see it. Nobody know Snape is the real hero. It’s only haters like you.
    “Hermione should’ve never fallen in love with that 6’4 male version of Annie.”
    Lol so you don’t want Hermione to be happy. Are you God or something or do you think forced marriage is OK?
    In short, your hatred of Ron seemed to be so strong that you actually have no idea what the books actually said. Try reading them again without being delusional and militant and retarded although I highly doubt you can do that.
    “I vaguely remember someone saying (when Harry first joined) that one team forfeited because they didn’t have enough players. This is highly critical to the series.”
    Nobody said anything like that. Try to read the books again.
    “It was necessary for the plotline, but god they were painful to read…I could care less about Marvolo Riddle or someone else.”
    Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean it isn’t well-written. It was a great way for us to understand the character of Voldemort and his background who is you know, the main antagonist of the books.

    • joed5k January 27, 2017 at 8:45 pm #

      I don’t think you ever read them. You clearly only watched the movies.

      Read the books and you’ll really love Harry Potter and the universe around them. I’m saddened you watched the sparknotes version but one day, you’ll sit down and read.

      • torrent56 February 9, 2017 at 6:24 am #

        Lol I read the books lots of times thank you very much and I think I enjoyed them much more than you did as it would be rather difficult if you hate one of the central characters in the books so much. The movies are terrible compared with the books.

        I told you exactly where you are wrong using evidence from the books and you had no response and instead tried to talk about something irrelevant. How about you try to refute what I said using evidence from the series? Could you do that?

    • joed5k February 12, 2017 at 3:14 am #

      It is totally okay to admit you got into Harry Potter two years ago because its a great series. I’m shocked it took you so long, but congratulations to you. The movies got you into it, but you finally learned about it.

      First off, yeah Harry had his parents murdered in lived in a fucking cupboard for eleven god damn years. Yeah, he’s allowed to be bitter and lash out when hitting puberty. When you hit puberty, you’ll figure that out.

      Second, that was a joke dumbass. Self-loving means masturbating. Its a fucking blog called Satirical Thoughts…..pay attention. Then again, you watch movies and don’t read books.

      Third, Ron sucks.

      Fourth, Professor Sprout gave points to Hermione for knowing what Mandrakes were and gave Harry ten points for passing her a fucking water can. Its not in the movies, so you didn’t catch that and therefore I won’t make fun of you. Read the books one day.

      Fifth, he left because he was hungry. He mentions his mother’s cooking pretty often. He was also mad that he thought Harry was going to fuck Hermione.

      Sixth, you say the words “retarded” and “butthurt”. Seriously, you’ll love the books. Start at Sorcerer’s Stone.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: