Archive | September, 2013

Not Watching Breaking Bad Tonight? An A-to-Z Guide On What To Do

29 Sep

The past few Sundays, I’ve noticed everyone hyping up Breaking Bad on AMC.  It has gotten to the point that I, while never watching the show, know wayyyy too much about the dude from Malcom in the Middle’s career renaissance.  I’ve been forced to see things on Twitter trending like “OH NO WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?”; and worry that we attacked Syria only to see the top tweet being Samuel L. Jackson talking about the show.

I know way too much about the plot but since all I watch are political talk shows, sporting events, 90s sitcom reruns (plus the Office), the occasional Mad Men and Strokes videos on YouTube; I have no idea what’s going on.  Just judging off of what people have said, I thought the past three episodes were the actual finale.  However, tonight is the night where the Twitterworld can finally stop and go back to talking about Ron Paul instead of Aaron Paul.  “WHY ARE YOU WATCHING TV?  GUESS YOU ARE ALL SHEEPLE”.

But I, like the other five of you, will not be watching Breaking Bad.  Not because I’m better than you or am a total hipster but I went through Lost and frankly; I don’t need a fictional TV show dominating my psyche forever.  I know if I watch one episode of Breaking Bad, there is absolutely no way my life will be the same again.  I also know that I’ll get into the show next year and try talking to all my friends about it before they go “uhhh, we are watching Orange is the New Black right now….”.

So here’s a list of things you can do, from A-to-Z, instead of watching Breaking Bad.

A:  Stay Away From AMC-This should be a given, but don’t even bother trying to catch back up to the show.  If you have missed the boat, acknowledge you have missed it and move on.  Don’t be one of those that complain about the finale though you never saw an episode.  Don’t be that guy that complains that Ron Weasley didn’t die.

B:  Bed-Hey, its a Sunday night meaning tomorrow is Monday morning and you’ll inevitably complain about how Mondays suck.  Why not jump on the boat and sleep instead so you are fresh tomorrow morning ?  Why do “critically acclaimed” TV shows always pick Sunday night nowadays?  Are they really scared about facing off against the 99th season of Two and a Half Kutchers?  Step it up Walking Dead.

C:  Chrome-Why haven’t you downloaded Google Chrome yet?  Well, now is a good time to do it!  Since its Sunday night, all of your chores are either done or won’t be completed anyway so why not get to your internet porn slightly faster?  I’m expecting a tekkie to come and comment that Chrome actually sucks for some reason (“Apple didn’t make it”) but they can go to hell.

D:  Drake Has a New Album-In two days, white girls across America will be all Twilight again as Drake has a new CD out.  This will inevitably be a balance of Drake rapping over smooth beats about how while he is 25 sitting on $25 mil, he’s actually MUCH DEEPER than that.  The walking Hallmark Card freestylist will ruin your night more than Breaking Bad which will make people cry no matter what because America is weird.  So why not listen to someone cry instead?  Drake is like if Babyface decided to have a rap career.  Or if D’Angelo just started releasing CDs to get out of a recording contract.  I see 808s & Heartbreak in the same light as I see Nevermind by Nirvana.  It was a great CD that transcended music for a moment, but then everyone decided they should try to imitate being moody (“because it means I’m a REAL artist”) and we are stuck with people like Drake.

E:  Eat Out-hahahahaha.

F:  Football!:  How about actually be fun and watch the Patriots face the Falcons tonight?  We can see Tom Brady pout about his white receivers not being gritty enough and see a million shots of Gronk on the sidelines with Cris Collinsworth going “man, Brady REALLY wishes Gronk was out there”.

G:  Get Laundry Done:  I’m one of those people that always forget to do laundry until the last minute and I race down to the laundromat so I don’t have to wear sweat-stained clothes for a whole week (if I don’t do it on the weekends, it never gets done).  Doing laundry when you are not living with parents always suck.  For some reason, your clothes never come back fully clean and ten socks always go missing.  Ever wash the same clothes over and over again until they inevitably decomposed?  Happens all the time.

H:  Homeland-The other Breaking Bad is a show called Homeland that I never saw before either.  But hey, the show is beginning a new season on Showtime so how about you hop on that train before its too late?

I:  Ice Cream-Self-explanatory, if you have kids they’ll think your the greatest parent ever, same with any loved one except the one that HAS to see Breaking Bad.

J:  Jeez, Sunday Nights Do Suck-I’m running out of ideas….

K:  Know The Arctic Monkeys-Its no secret that I love the Strokes, but how about give the British version of them (well, maybe the Libertines are but screw Pete Doherty) a chance and check out their latest album, A.M.

L:  Libertarianism-The government is about to shutdown because of Ted Cruz, who is exclusively admired by the Rand Paul people.  Ya know, those people that constantly tell you to WAKE UP.  Take the time to see how the Affordable Care Act will affect you and try to use real sources to see if it will make a difference.  No one will take your Erick Erickson hit piece seriously.

M:  Map-Trotting Reality Shows!- The Amazing Race is back for a 150th Season!  Why does CBS always let their shows go on for way too long?  I see they are touting a new Will Arnett show.  Do those ever last?  Why do him and Matthew Perry keep getting chances to headline sitcom pilots?  I fully expect Andy Samberg to be them in the future.

N:  Not watch Breaking Bad-Get it?

O:  Own MarioKart-If you don’t, what the hell are you doing with your life?

P: Pet the Dog-Remember how happy you were when you bought that new puppy but once he got older, you grew tired of him and just treat him like a malcontent that lives with you?  I hate those people.  Well, don’t be one of them; pet/walk/feed the dog and you’ll feel better.  Its been scientifically proven that petting your dog for an hour at a time will make you a lot happier.  Well, I just made that up but it can’t make you depressed right?

Q:  Worst Letter

R:  Read-Start reading so in fifteen years, you can comment on any Yahoo! article and go “back in my day, we didn’t do anything on these new-fangled holographic iPads!  Kids these days are being raised by the worst generation ever, if I didn’t read five books per night; PAW would’ve beaten me while listening to Reagan!”

S:  Stream Stuff-Go on NetFlix and start watching episodes of Breaking Bad so you can be caught up by the end of the week.  If you procrastinated, well; you can make up for it and finally give your long-awaited dissertation on Walt White and what he means.

T:  Tweet….NEVER-You’ll regret going on Twitter tonight.

U:  Use Meth!-How about stop watching the fake stuff and try the real thing.  Aaron Paul would!

V:  Uhhhh.

W:  Watch Malcom in the Middle-Just so you can go, “ya know Bryan Cranston has done more than JUST ONE SHOW”.

X:  

Y:  YouTube-You can literally waste days on YouTube, start off by looking up “cute cheetah cubs” and you’ll be able to thank me later.  I’ve wasted hours on that.

Z:  Zealotry of Breaking Bad-Screw it, you’ll do it anyway; might as well watch and enjoy.

Your Major Sucks: Education

23 Sep

So I was bored and thought that everyone liked the post I once had called “Your Major Sucks” but since I’m back in college for one last go around; I realize how much I hate everyone here!  So I rewarded myself for getting an extra semester and debt and being stuck around the people I hate.  What a great idea :cries and puts on King of Queens reruns:.

Anyway, now that the Phillies suck and I am alone in my room; let’s go deeper into why your major sucks and yes this is ultrasimilar to the Why Your NFL Team Sucks pieces by Drew Magary from Deadspin.  So now that I got that out of the way, I’m going to try and do these nightly and yes I will do my own major as well so if you aren’t in this major, enjoy; if you are?  HAHAHAHA.  Keep in mind these are parodies and not literally you.

Education

Typical Education Major:  Overachieving suburban white female that always complains that they are never organized, yet always are organized.  Often sucked up to teachers and even though they are nice in person; they think the world of themselves because they think they will all be Robin Williams in the Deaf Poets Society.  “I’ll transform Ricky from Detroit and turn him into W.E.B. Dubois!”.  

What They’ll Say They Do:  “Well, I’d like to work at my old high school and give back to the area that raised me so well.”

Their Future Profession (According To Them): 10x Teacher of the Year Winner.

Their Likely Profession:  Teacher, teacher’s aide or overworked substitute teacher.

Why Education Sucks:  You know those people that once they hit 30 or so, share every intimate detail about their child on Facebook?  They were all education majors.  Education majors hold themselves to a godlike status when it comes to every detail of their life.  “Well, I can’t go out too much; you know I’m an education major” like somehow that makes you a weak person for subjecting yourself to such affairs (note:  distance runners do the same).   I know there is an actual risk for them to do fun things, but there is almost nothing more pretentious (English majors are an example).  Also education majors are of the idea that they are the all-knowing ones when it comes to every crisis.

Why Education Doesn’t Suck:  One bad semester and you are basically kicked out of the major and have to respawn as a psych major.  Also, teaching idiots in a few years is a very noble thing to do especially when teachers are being vilified on an almost constant basis in the political world.  

Typical Response To Why Their Major Sucks:  “Ohhh and what is YOUR major again?”

Your Major Sucks: Criminal Justice

20 Sep

So I was bored and thought that everyone liked the post I once had called “Your Major Sucks” but since I’m back in college for one last go around; I realize how much I hate everyone here!  So I rewarded myself for getting an extra semester and debt and being stuck around the people I hate.  What a great idea :cries and puts on King of Queens reruns:.

Anyway, now that the Phillies suck and I am alone in my room; let’s go deeper into why your major sucks and yes this is ultrasimilar to the Why Your NFL Team Sucks pieces by Drew Magary from Deadspin.  So now that I got that out of the way, I’m going to try and do these nightly and yes I will do my own major as well so if you aren’t in this major, enjoy; if you are?  HAHAHAHA.  Keep in mind these are parodies and not literally you.

Criminal Justice

Typical Criminal Justice Major:  A guy who in the future will meet three of his wives at Cabela’s.  A person that cares more about the “criminal” part than the “justice” part of their major.  Loves guns and shooting them which is awesome when you think they are entering a field in which they MAY be packing heat at all times.

What They’ll Say They Do:  :looks at you with camouflaged hat:  :spits Skoal on the ground: :shoots gun: :quotes the Walking Dead: :goes into car with NRA bumper stick and “NOBAMA”: “I want to be a cop.”

Their Future Profession (According To Them): State Trooper.

Their Likely Profession:  Take your pick between mall cop, security guard or custodian (was one for three years, what makes cops get into cleaning?).

Why Criminal Justice Sucks:  “Hey, that’s a major now?” is a phrase that I’m sure every cop over the age of 35 has said one time or another about criminal justice.  Its one of those majors that could best be described as “kinda”.  For example “oh, that’s kinda like law”, “that’s kinda like being a cop, right?”, “that’s kinda scary”, “yeah, my Dad kinda made me do this because he’s a no-nonsense hardass :blasts soundtrack to 8 Mile:”.  Also, do you really need to take criminal justice if you want to be a cop?  I thought all cops were out-of-shape veterans or history majors that had an erection each time professors talked about Hiroshima, Nagaski and defeating communism.

Why Criminal Justice Doesn’t Suck:  Well, they all could beat the living piss out of me if they took one stare so they have that going for them.  Also, the “kindas” make it a lot more difficult than you imagine.  Yeah, they aren’t lawyers but they have to know things like procedures and rights so after they get their 3.0 or above; they can neglect all they learned, RIGHT?  Also, forensics is likely a cooler and tougher class than any class I have ever taken in my made-up major.  So….you don’t fully suck!

Typical Response To Why Their Major Sucks:  :loads gun:  :retweets post on why Obamacare is communist:  :likes post on why gun control is communist:  :closes eyes and wishes they could kill every person in PETA: “I dare you to say that again.”

 

Your Major Sucks: Art

15 Sep

So I was bored and thought that everyone liked the post I once had called “Your Major Sucks” but since I’m back in college for one last go around; I realize how much I hate everyone here!  So I rewarded myself for getting an extra semester and debt and being stuck around the people I hate.  What a great idea :cries and puts on King of Queens reruns:.

Anyway, now that the Phillies suck and I am alone in my room; let’s go deeper into why your major sucks and yes this is ultrasimilar to the Why Your NFL Team Sucks pieces by Drew Magary from Deadspin.  So now that I got that out of the way, I’m going to try and do these nightly and yes I will do my own major as well so if you aren’t in this major, enjoy; if you are?  HAHAHAHA.  Keep in mind these are parodies and not literally you.

Art

Typical Art Major:  Misunderstood, narcotic-poppin’, suburban white person who literally hates every single thing that’s ever been done.  Blames society for everything (‘cept local coffee shops which are WAY better than the name brands) and looks at philosophy majors and wishes it were them.  Non-conformist type who likely does nitrous in front of their local record store.

What They Say They’ll Do:  “Probably nothing.  My future is fill of despair and agony as I depend upon society’s norms to conform to my lifestyle and to be accepted.  I’ll likely end up unemployed with various addictions but that’s okay as society doesn’t tell me what to do.  I am my own [insert gender].”

Their Future Profession (According To Them):  Grateful Dead fan.

Their Likely Profession:  The type of person that buys weed for their kid and tokes up because of the bonding experience.

Why Art Sucks:  NEVER EVER EVER EVER complain about a lack of time to an art major unless you want to be lectured on why they haven’t slept since they accidentally OD’d on some pill.  They are convinced that they are misunderstood and that any other major is only participated by conformists.  Art majors are convinced that they are the only people that have suffered and that everything they do can’t possibly compare to anything they do.  Ever compliment an art major?  “Eh, I think this sucks.”

So you can’t complain to them nor compliment them.

Why Art Doesn’t Suck:  Its the only major that is more of a talent than acquired skill.  Sure they hone their art a bit better, but 90% of the art majors I know are ridiculously talented but since they are contrarian hipsters; they don’t often see it.  Also, art majors (the ones that DO make it) are usually fairly successful in life (though according to them, success is an emotion not a measuring stick) as long as they avoid PCP.

Typical Response To Why Their Major Sucks:  “:long sigh: Well, this is not a surprise.  Most people don’t understand anything that we ever do.  Its a shame but there was a time, back when humans were in a more agrarian society when we were appreciated for ourselves not for society’s belief upon who we are.  Also, you did sports at one point in life so you don’t get it.”

Your Major Sucks: Accounting

12 Sep

So I was bored and thought that everyone liked the post I once had called “Your Major Sucks” but since I’m back in college for one last go around; I realize how much I hate everyone here!  So I rewarded myself for getting an extra semester and debt and being stuck around the people I hate.  What a great idea :cries and puts on King of Queens reruns:.

Anyway, now that the Phillies suck and I am alone in my room; let’s go deeper into why your major sucks and yes this is ultrasimilar to the Why Your NFL Team Sucks pieces by Drew Magary from Deadspin.  So now that I got that out of the way, I’m going to try and do these nightly and yes I will do my own major as well so if you aren’t in this major, enjoy; if you are?  HAHAHAHA.

Accounting

Typical Accounting Major:  Bro who didn’t want to think too much to be in Math and wasn’t shrewd enough for Business.

What They’ll Say They Do:  “D0000D, I’MA FIRST GO TO GNC AND THEN STUDY FOR SMITH’S CLASS FOR A FEW MINUTES BEFORE I CHUG A MONSTER AND COOK MYSELF BREAKFAST.

Their Future Profession (According To Them): Accounting majors are 100% sure they will be a CPA, open a small office in their hometown and gradually end up working for the government or some huge business.

Their Likely Profession:  Accountant for two years until they realize it sucks and they end up opening a gym and making more money.

Why Accounting Sucks:  Well, I sucked at it not because it was hard but because my Professor was convinced that Accounting was the reason humans decided to reproduce and create fire.  That turned me off as I realized I was incapable of getting hard off the idea of managing assets and liquidating myself.  Accounting is not quite math and not quite business, so its a really specific brand of existence.  It is like being stuck in Hufflepuff.  “Well, good job on existing but you are practically useless and Microsoft Excel should replace you guys anyday now!”.  Seriously, is there a reason why Excel or Access hasn’t replaced them yet?  Big Business hates Accounting majors because they are elitist, white folk who would wrestle a blind man for fun; so why do they keep them around?  I guess they need someone to beat up on and firing them would require too much work.

Why Accounting Doesn’t Suck:  It takes a certain person to be an Accountant.  You have to realize that your time is dedicated to managing other people’s things and that they are too idiotic to understand.  That has to be frustrating.  Also, Accounting majors piss off Mathematics people because Accounting majors have friends and that drives them insane.  They belong on Earth for that sole reason only.  Anything that pisses off Math people (friendship, history, grammar, outdoors, family, thoughts, fantasies, pornography, alcohol, women, men, Mark Sanchez) is good by me.

Typical Response To Why Their Major Sucks:  “YO, WHERE DO YOU LIVE CAUSE AFTER I SHOTGUN THIS OLD MILWAUKEE I’LL BE DERE”.