Not Watching Breaking Bad Tonight? An A-to-Z Guide On What To Do

29 Sep

The past few Sundays, I’ve noticed everyone hyping up Breaking Bad on AMC.  It has gotten to the point that I, while never watching the show, know wayyyy too much about the dude from Malcom in the Middle’s career renaissance.  I’ve been forced to see things on Twitter trending like “OH NO WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?”; and worry that we attacked Syria only to see the top tweet being Samuel L. Jackson talking about the show.

I know way too much about the plot but since all I watch are political talk shows, sporting events, 90s sitcom reruns (plus the Office), the occasional Mad Men and Strokes videos on YouTube; I have no idea what’s going on.  Just judging off of what people have said, I thought the past three episodes were the actual finale.  However, tonight is the night where the Twitterworld can finally stop and go back to talking about Ron Paul instead of Aaron Paul.  “WHY ARE YOU WATCHING TV?  GUESS YOU ARE ALL SHEEPLE”.

But I, like the other five of you, will not be watching Breaking Bad.  Not because I’m better than you or am a total hipster but I went through Lost and frankly; I don’t need a fictional TV show dominating my psyche forever.  I know if I watch one episode of Breaking Bad, there is absolutely no way my life will be the same again.  I also know that I’ll get into the show next year and try talking to all my friends about it before they go “uhhh, we are watching Orange is the New Black right now….”.

So here’s a list of things you can do, from A-to-Z, instead of watching Breaking Bad.

A:  Stay Away From AMC-This should be a given, but don’t even bother trying to catch back up to the show.  If you have missed the boat, acknowledge you have missed it and move on.  Don’t be one of those that complain about the finale though you never saw an episode.  Don’t be that guy that complains that Ron Weasley didn’t die.

B:  Bed-Hey, its a Sunday night meaning tomorrow is Monday morning and you’ll inevitably complain about how Mondays suck.  Why not jump on the boat and sleep instead so you are fresh tomorrow morning ?  Why do “critically acclaimed” TV shows always pick Sunday night nowadays?  Are they really scared about facing off against the 99th season of Two and a Half Kutchers?  Step it up Walking Dead.

C:  Chrome-Why haven’t you downloaded Google Chrome yet?  Well, now is a good time to do it!  Since its Sunday night, all of your chores are either done or won’t be completed anyway so why not get to your internet porn slightly faster?  I’m expecting a tekkie to come and comment that Chrome actually sucks for some reason (“Apple didn’t make it”) but they can go to hell.

D:  Drake Has a New Album-In two days, white girls across America will be all Twilight again as Drake has a new CD out.  This will inevitably be a balance of Drake rapping over smooth beats about how while he is 25 sitting on $25 mil, he’s actually MUCH DEEPER than that.  The walking Hallmark Card freestylist will ruin your night more than Breaking Bad which will make people cry no matter what because America is weird.  So why not listen to someone cry instead?  Drake is like if Babyface decided to have a rap career.  Or if D’Angelo just started releasing CDs to get out of a recording contract.  I see 808s & Heartbreak in the same light as I see Nevermind by Nirvana.  It was a great CD that transcended music for a moment, but then everyone decided they should try to imitate being moody (“because it means I’m a REAL artist”) and we are stuck with people like Drake.

E:  Eat Out-hahahahaha.

F:  Football!:  How about actually be fun and watch the Patriots face the Falcons tonight?  We can see Tom Brady pout about his white receivers not being gritty enough and see a million shots of Gronk on the sidelines with Cris Collinsworth going “man, Brady REALLY wishes Gronk was out there”.

G:  Get Laundry Done:  I’m one of those people that always forget to do laundry until the last minute and I race down to the laundromat so I don’t have to wear sweat-stained clothes for a whole week (if I don’t do it on the weekends, it never gets done).  Doing laundry when you are not living with parents always suck.  For some reason, your clothes never come back fully clean and ten socks always go missing.  Ever wash the same clothes over and over again until they inevitably decomposed?  Happens all the time.

H:  Homeland-The other Breaking Bad is a show called Homeland that I never saw before either.  But hey, the show is beginning a new season on Showtime so how about you hop on that train before its too late?

I:  Ice Cream-Self-explanatory, if you have kids they’ll think your the greatest parent ever, same with any loved one except the one that HAS to see Breaking Bad.

J:  Jeez, Sunday Nights Do Suck-I’m running out of ideas….

K:  Know The Arctic Monkeys-Its no secret that I love the Strokes, but how about give the British version of them (well, maybe the Libertines are but screw Pete Doherty) a chance and check out their latest album, A.M.

L:  Libertarianism-The government is about to shutdown because of Ted Cruz, who is exclusively admired by the Rand Paul people.  Ya know, those people that constantly tell you to WAKE UP.  Take the time to see how the Affordable Care Act will affect you and try to use real sources to see if it will make a difference.  No one will take your Erick Erickson hit piece seriously.

M:  Map-Trotting Reality Shows!- The Amazing Race is back for a 150th Season!  Why does CBS always let their shows go on for way too long?  I see they are touting a new Will Arnett show.  Do those ever last?  Why do him and Matthew Perry keep getting chances to headline sitcom pilots?  I fully expect Andy Samberg to be them in the future.

N:  Not watch Breaking Bad-Get it?

O:  Own MarioKart-If you don’t, what the hell are you doing with your life?

P: Pet the Dog-Remember how happy you were when you bought that new puppy but once he got older, you grew tired of him and just treat him like a malcontent that lives with you?  I hate those people.  Well, don’t be one of them; pet/walk/feed the dog and you’ll feel better.  Its been scientifically proven that petting your dog for an hour at a time will make you a lot happier.  Well, I just made that up but it can’t make you depressed right?

Q:  Worst Letter

R:  Read-Start reading so in fifteen years, you can comment on any Yahoo! article and go “back in my day, we didn’t do anything on these new-fangled holographic iPads!  Kids these days are being raised by the worst generation ever, if I didn’t read five books per night; PAW would’ve beaten me while listening to Reagan!”

S:  Stream Stuff-Go on NetFlix and start watching episodes of Breaking Bad so you can be caught up by the end of the week.  If you procrastinated, well; you can make up for it and finally give your long-awaited dissertation on Walt White and what he means.

T:  Tweet….NEVER-You’ll regret going on Twitter tonight.

U:  Use Meth!-How about stop watching the fake stuff and try the real thing.  Aaron Paul would!

V:  Uhhhh.

W:  Watch Malcom in the Middle-Just so you can go, “ya know Bryan Cranston has done more than JUST ONE SHOW”.


Y:  YouTube-You can literally waste days on YouTube, start off by looking up “cute cheetah cubs” and you’ll be able to thank me later.  I’ve wasted hours on that.

Z:  Zealotry of Breaking Bad-Screw it, you’ll do it anyway; might as well watch and enjoy.


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