Anonymous Scouting Report: White Quarterbacks

15 Oct

In light of it being the middle of the NFL season, I thought this would be a neat thing to do.  Let’s take a look at every position (note:  I will likely not continue this) and list the same tired stereotypes that you hear self-proclaimed “draft experts” declare.  Its a simple exercise but you gotta love what you will hear.
Name:  Mike Webber

Position:  Quarterback

College:  Central Michigan

Height:  6’3, 225 Pounds


He’s a proven winner – Skip Bayless

Not the fastest guy out there, but he is cerebral enough to know when to use his legs – Mel Kiper, Jr.

Low on athleticism, high on heart.  A real gamer.  – Mike Mayock

Addicted to the film room, was a 5x winner of Habitat for Humanity’s “Great Man”, a true role model.  – Mark Schlereth

When other quarterbacks are carousing with loose women or paying off various mothers of offspring, Webber is a Boy Scout who in his spare time volunteers at the Pinewood Derby and I bet his fecal matter tastes like Nutella – Gregg Easterbrook

What George was to Seinfeld, Webber is to Chippewa Nation – Rick Reilly

Gritty – Pete Prisco



Game Manager – Todd McShay

Doesn’t force passes, man you can’t win with him but you certainly won’t lose – Bill Cowher

Spends too much time caring for the community, could work on his arm strength – Merrill Hoge

Hands off too much to his black running back instead of taking charge and throwing to his white slot receiver – Colin Cowherd

He’s game-ready now, but man he won’t likely change.  Still lots of heart – Bill Polian

Other Tidbits:

Had a sterling 4.0 GPA in Business Administration…..was President of Fellowship of Christian Athletes…..Father is a hedge fund manager and his mother was an All-State water polo player…..Threw for a school record 350 yards against Indiana University of Pennsylvania….Goal in life is to own his own business and marry a beautiful woman….Self-described fan of Luke Bryan and Tom Petty.

Why This Is Bull:

The negatives of most white quarterbacks (except Tim Tebow who just annoyed people after so long) is usually very passive aggressive.  You’ll hear things such as “game manager” which is just a very nice insult or “weak arm strength” but that is always counter-balanced with “cerebral” whatever the hell that means.  Even Blaine Gabbert probably had this said about him “he cowers at the sight of oxygen but he cracked the Dean’s List!” and millions of Americans nod their head in agreement.

Let’s be honest for a moment.  These guys are D1 quarterbacks, is there any doubt in their spare time they aren’t shotgunning Genny Lights, barely passing classes and not under the influence of Adderall like almost every other collegiate athlete?

The answer is “likely”.


One Response to “Anonymous Scouting Report: White Quarterbacks”


  1. Anonymous Scouting Report: Black Wide Receiver | Satirical Thoughts - October 16, 2013

    […] StraightFresh.Net and you can follow him on Twitter @Jamil_SF.  To read my report on a white QB, peep this out. […]

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