Another week, another roundup. Of course, I’m aware that the new football week starts tomorrow and I’m just now releasing this. But I get 15 views per day dammit, so I think I have some freedom to do what I want. Consistency is for people that are employed. I’m fairly awful at things that aren’t appointments, classes or practices. If I get the power to show up when I want, then I’m that guy that shows up two hours too late. I’ll be ready and suddenly go “OH I LOVE THIS SONG” and suddenly, that turns into me playing whole albums and all of my friends are passed out at that point.
But we got another week of NFL and sports to talk about!
Lions – 31, Cowboys – 30
Of course the main takeaway from one of the best games of 2013 is the fact that Dez Bryant might be someone that gets pissed. While Bryant has a bit of a history of being kind of a douche; I do love the blatant hypocrisy that we here whenever a player gets treated like a “prima donna”. I don’t get this fascination over blue collar players vs. stuck-up athletes. For some reason, players are either into Hootie & The Blowfish or Chief Keef when it comes to the media characterizations. Tom Brady has “heart” and the same platitudes get stated when Colin Cowherd goes “man, you can tell he’s just so frustrated!” while Dez Bryant is clearly a reason why America is falling behind its competitors. Thankfully you have race-baity troll writer Dalton Russell talking about the NAACP or something. Seriously, Yahoo! is literally the place where Ron Paul supporters go to wax poetically about race.
In other news, god Calvin Johnson is amazing. Of course I had him on my fantasy team this week and I had a bye week. Yes. But who cares when someone just kicks ass like that? Adrian Peterson is the closest thing to Calvin but since he has to deal with 9 men in the box and Christian Ponder, he is already a step behind. Why aren’t the Lions always in primetime?
Broncos – 45, Redskins – 21
Prepare yourself for endless speculation on Peyton Manning (still on pace to almost throw 60 TDs) and if his ankle has anything to do with his neck replacement surgery. Manning must be thinking about the playoffs lately given his habit of turning the ball over now, but then again when you are nearly perfect for more than 25% of the season; well, its just unsustainable.
Giants – 15, Eagles – 7
What an awful game. I guess Mike Vick is about to detach his hamstring from his quadricep any moment now. Part of me is tempted to say “man, the Eagles are going to the dogs now!” but that’s about as funny as a bitstrip. Why the hell are those ruining my Facebook feeds? Why are my friends unfunny? I’d only care about bitstrips if it involved full frontal nudity. Or cats.
Anyway, Matt Barkley got a de facto start since Vick cannot stay healthy and its pretty simple to see how Barkley’s six-year career (culminating with a training camp cut from the Bills) will end up. He won’t throw many INTs, and will only throw screen plays and checkdown all three WRs. Its funny to think that there was a time where we just assumed he’d be a #1 overall pick. Somehow his career is already better than Matt Leinart’s anyway.
Patriots – 27, Dolphins – 17
The fact that the Patriots, sans Tom Brady’s late game heroics against the Saints, are underachieving yet somehow 6-2 is a testament to how great Tom Brady is at playing football. I’m starting to think that he willingly lets Gisele dress him so it feels like he has something to live for as it has to be upsetting to have your second best option be Danny Amendola who is destined to be the reason why football is discontinued as a sport in fifteen years. I bet Dalton Russell thinks Dez Bryant would’ve impregnated five women.
Bengals – 49, Jets – 9
Geno Smith is really going to be Mark Sanchez. There will be some god awful games and then there will be games in which Smith is terrible, the defense carries him and Ron Jaworski gushes over him being a potential game manager. But black QBs don’t become game managers because Dalton Russell thinks that they are too busy blaming Michael Bloomberg for stop and frisk, right?
Chiefs – 23, Browns – 17
That was a close one. Also, it makes you wonder why the Cleveland Browns didn’t start Jason Campbell sooner. Was Brandon Weeden really all that impressive in practice or is it the fact that coaches find it awkward to bench someone older than them? Is DALTON RUSSELL the coach of the Browns?
49ers – 42, Jaguars – 10
Hey the Jags hit double digits!!! That’s a cause for relocation! I hope the Jaguars relocate to the Jacksonville of the North, that being Allentown, PA.
Raiders – 21, Steelers – 18
Terrelle Pryor can run pretty fast. But look, he’s giving the Raiders chances to win and there’s the possibility that he continues to develop (as well as the team around him) into a pretty fun QB. Any team with a young QB should immediately sign Matt Flynn as he apparently improves them all by just insulting them enough by suggesting he starts over them.
Saints – 35, Bills – 17
Matt Flynn is a Bill now, Thad Lewis is likely to be out this week meaning Flynn and Jeff Tuel are in the worst QB competition ever. Then again, Tuel by just facing off against Matt Flynn will be an All-Pro by 2015.
Cardinals – 27, Falcons – 13
Ouch. Matt Ryan had a 13-yard carry and was the Falcons top rusher. This is the season from hell for the Dirty Birds, probably because Julio Jones (according to Gregg Easterbrook) starred in a commercial and probably deserved to have an ACL tear.
- I don’t do the primetime games usually because its more work for me but that’s pretty hilarious that Kellen Clemens, in the year 2013, got to start for an actual professional football team. Can’t wait until Brady Quinn takes over and leads the Rams to his annual win.
- The Red Sox will probably win the World Series and we get to hear how they are still a suffering fan base. Rick Reilly better not write a poem about them, but he probably will.
- The NBA has kicked off and that means that the next five months of highlights on SportsCenter will be dunks and Neil Everett shouting out random Pearl Jam or A Tribe Called Quest lyrics. Remember the NHL doesn’t exist really.
- Not sports: Chris Brown is begging to be thrown in jail. Probably because he is a member of the NAACP, right Dalton Russell?