There is nothing worse than Christmas music on the radio. By November, you want to hang yourself with tinsel because you have to listen to “Silver Bells……………………………………………………………………….Silver Bells…………………………………….” and almost all of your favorite radio stations slip in Mariah Carey’s Christmas song in its rotation.
I just hate it. I’m one of those mainstream sheep that would prefer to hear Royals one last time rather than Wonderful Christmastime, the song that’s always free on iTunes or Amazon MP3 this time of year. But alas, I’m stuck listening to Christmas music every so often (“Don’t Shoot Me Santa” still wins out) and I become a grinch.
Nonetheless, I think the creepiest song is “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” where Dean Martin is totally liquoring up Doris Day (who won’t take that lying down) though your mother is insistent that he’s concerned for her safety. I hate that song, not worse than Silver Bells, but it just makes me feel odd which is expected.
Just take a look at these lyrics.
I really can’t stay- But baby it’s cold outside
This is how the song begins. When has a conversation that begun with “I really can’t stay”, ended well? So this scenario is that Doris Day wants to go home but Dean Martin is trying to wham, bam, thank you ma’am her under the guise that “well, its cold”. Since its the 1950s we are talking about here, I’m assuming that there was no heaters in her car and she’s from the opposite end of the planet.
I’ve got to go away – But baby it’s cold outside
Some fairly scary imagery right there. “I’ve got to go away” is obviously implying that she wants to go home but it makes me think of Doris Day in a Dean Martin cobra clutch.
This evening has been – Been hoping that you’d drop in
He cuts her off mid-sentence to tell her that he has been hoping she’d show up. Isn’t that what you tell someone when they first walk in the door, not when they want to leave?
So very nice -I’ll hold your hands they’re just like ice
If its cold outside, but she’s still inside; how is she cold? Does Dean Martin live in an igloo? I guess that makes sense because of his icy gaze.
My mother will start to worry- Beautiful, what’s your hurry?
Her mother? Is her mom the lady from Spongebob that remembers when chocolate was first invented? Unless this is implying a Christmas dinner and her mom’s getting pissed that she’s still at iglooman’s house.
And father will be pacing the floor- Listen to the fireplace roar
Father will probably be loading an AK-47. I’ll be real, I have no idea if you can load an AK-47. #liberal
So really I’d better scurry – Beautiful please don’t hurry
Oh the seduction is piercing through her veins, if she doesn’t scurry Pops will ground her.
Well maybe just a half a drink more – Put some records on while I pour
DON’T DO IT, DORIS.
The neighbors might think -Baby it’s bad out there
Yeah they might think that this underage woman is sleeping with Dean Martin. I think that ship has sailed.
Say what’s in this drink – No cabs to be had out there
:inserts photo of Ben Roethlisberger grinning:
I wish I knew how -Your eyes are like starlight now
I like this line. She is being slipped liquor (best case scenario of all the other alternative options) and is wondering how he did it? Meanwhile, Dean Martin accurately notes that her eyes are glazing over.
To break this spell – I’ll take your hat your hair looks swell
Now this is turning into a horrible Archie comic.
I ought to say no no no sir – Mind if I move in closer
At least I’m going to say that I tried- What’s the sense of hurtin my pride
Is that not victim shaming? “Well, golly gee; if you say no to fornication….well geez louise, all the guys will make fun of me.” This is how I imagine youths of the 50s to talk like.
I really can’t stay- Baby don’t hold out
OPEN YOUR LEGS, SWEETUMS.
I simply must go – But, Baby it’s cold outside
So you’ve mentioned.
The answer is no -But, Baby it’s cold outside
I like to imagine this part is with Dean Martin angrily slamming the door with his fist going “DAMMIT, DORIS ITS FREEZING”; it should be noted that the song would be funnier if it was mid-July and this was his idea of game.
This welcome has been -How lucky that you dropped in
Well ya slipped in liquor and invited her, so yes how lucky….
So nice and warm -Look out the window at that storm
You know what’s heating up right now? :points down:
My sister will be suspicious – Gosh your lips look delicious
“AND I AIN’T TALKING ‘BOUT THE ONES ON YOUR FACE”
My brother will be there at the door- Waves upon a tropical shore
I don’t get this one. Can’t he wait with his pacing father? Her lips look like Hawaii?
My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious- Gosh your lips are delicious
Ahh yes, the overprotective aunt; been ruining cohabitation since the late 1950s.
Well, maybe just a cigarette more- Never such a blizzard before
His mind is just clearly wandering right now. He’s repeating everything and casually talking about the weather.
I got to get home- But baby you’d freeze out there
I guess this throws away the idea of her owning a car. Aunt Mabel should’ve let her borrow her Pinto.
Say lend me a coat- It’s up to your knees out there
“So get down on yours”
You’ve really been grand- A thrill when you touch my hand
Ohhhh the mounting tension.
But don’t you see- How can you do this thing to me
Again with the shaming. Stop thinking about yourself Doris.
There’s bound to be talk tomorrow- Think of my life long sorrow
Do you live on the cast of Bewitched or Leave it to Beaver? How old are you Dean Martin?
At least there will be plenty implied- If you caught pneumonia and died
Holy shit that escalated quickly. She’s worried that people will think she’s the town “go-to” girl while Dean Martin suggest he won’t let her free or to tell people that she died.
(I really can’t stay- Get over that old doubt
Oh your stuck here.
The song proceeds to end with them simultaneously talking about how cold it is outside. Kinda messed up.