Archive | March, 2014

The Top Places To Eat In Kutztown

27 Mar

Still unemployed and stuck in Kutztown!

Well, I decided to do another personal quest and this is hilarious considering my last blog post was basically “DOWN WITH LISTS” and here I am doing a list.  But this list is different.  It’s a ranking of all the food places in Kutztown, Pennsylvania because we have a lot of them.  Isn’t that great logic for wanting to make a post about it?  I bet Adam Levine has a blog post of all the STDs he has.

Anyway, without further adu; here is a completely biased, partial and partisan list of the top food places in Kutztown to go to.

  1. Betty’s –  Betty’s is the best.  That is without a question and without a doubt.  Betty’s has the best wraps in the area and you don’t have to sell your blood plasma to afford them (looking at you Kutztown Tavern).  I am a big fan of the chicken and cheese wraps but they also supply you with local Kutztown soda.  How small town of them!  The only downside is that there’s a 90% chance Zooey Deschanal would eat here if she were a KU student which is a real bummer.  Oh well, Betty’s is the best.
  2. Uncle Joe’s Pizza – Kutztown is overflowed with pizza establishments and everyone knows the corner spot by campus is fool’s gold.  I’ve had three pizza places here and none have lasted.  But Uncle Joe’s is the best of all.  Affordable, friendly and a feeling that you can actually watch TV and have a conversation there is a big plus.  Great pizza too.
  3. Kutztown Tavern – Never been there because poor.  But everyone says its good and everyone was right about The Beatles.
  4. Camillo’s Pizza – Pricey compared to the other pizza places, but worth it.  Underrated happy hour though you hang out with the townies who I swear are convinced that Bruce Springsteen and Tom Petty are still current pop stars.
  5. Academic Forum – Best place to eat on campus.  The AF will destroy your flex account in two weeks flat but there’s a reason why there is never a table available.  Well, its small but its good!  Same logic applies to Emma Watson.
  6. Letterman’s – I imagine this is what it would be like to eat in Beijing where the crowds swallow you whole.   Great freakin’ pancakes though and could admittedly be higher.
  7. The Frying Dutchman – Maybe Dunkin Donuts won’t kill the Dutchman but its probably best you try some homemade donuts.  Beats that bicycle shop they had in town earlier.
  8. The Pretzel Revolution – Half of the time, the fresh pretzels would knock them up the list.  But the other half the time, the pretzels are pretty much similar to eating a tire with salt.  Tread with caution, always check out the display cases before judging.  The late-night people who eschew Mama’s for Pretzel Rev are the worst.
  9. Jaz & Nate’s Cheesesteaks – Love the cheesesteaks, but the prices are a bit up there.  Delivery people come on time though.
  10. Pop’s Malt Shoppe – Good deals, but since its just ice cream it doesn’t really count.  Awesome though.
  11. Mamma’s Delight – Gets the job done, whatever that means.  Decent pizza.  Pretty OK cheese steaks.  Cheapish.  The place to be from 10:30pm to 2:00am.
  12. Spuds – Not big into them.  Takes fifty minutes to get a damn order of fries.  Food is good and all, plus regionally famous (!) but uhh….
  13. Basin Street – Small sample size, but the food was OK.  Nice Happy Hour though and its always easy to just walk in and get food without too much of a hassle.
  14. South Dining Hall – Hi, I would like e.coli on a bun soaked with sweat please?  But its highly convenient.
  15. Airport Diner – Decent food.  Decent prices.  But you are permanently stuck with that feeling that all the townies think you are some Yankee for taking away their dining spot.
  16. Uptown Espresso Bar – Owned by that art student who asks all the questions in a gen ed class.
  17. Mark’s – They sell food I think.  All I remember that the Phi Beta Alpha Natty Light frat is always on that porch next to it.
  18. La Cocina – Never went there but I like the mascot.
  19. Pink Tac-Go – For the frat pledger who thinks its still funny to say they ate some pink taco last night.  RIP Main Street Cafe.

Its kind of pointless to rank Subway in here.  Also I tried to stay on Main Street or nearby so that new frozen yogurt place is sadly not around.  I also think it would be a good idea for some of these folks to encourage Bear Bucks usage.  I still don’t know what Mark’s sells and I’m sure I’m missing out on something half decent here.  I will gladly change my rankings if free food is offered.

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Down With Your BuzzFeed Lists

6 Mar

I used to always joke about how awful BuzzFeed and ThoughtCatalog (BuzzFeed for women that claim they are giving up coffee for Lent) were but as of now, they are totally winning the argument.  Every time I log onto a social media site, I see some bullshit list that is a mixture of 90s nostalgia (8 reasons why the 90s were TOTALLY RAD YO :Sprite Remix:), self-pity (4 reasons why you are a shitty child and you should thank your Mom even though you still won’t add her on Facebook), regional bias (2 things only SOUTH JERSEY WOULD UNDERSTAND :”the sky is BLUE:”) and of course, individuality (666 things only Catholic girls would understand :”what’s with GAY MARRIAGE?”:).

It’s actually the worst thing that’s ever happened.  It’s almost like being teleported into some AIM chatroom or MySpace bulletin board where people permanently posted those awful surveys and asked you for a pic comment when they commented on your shit.  I’m half-expecting a new list why Tom from MySpace was the best friend ever (“he never unfollowed you unlike your ex and that kid from that class”) or something else.

Down with lists.  But there’s a reason these things strike us so hard.  They are supposed to be click-porn and given how much the average person thinks of themselves (the answer is highly); we think that we are being spoken to by some anonymous failed electronic media major.

There are about 1 billion people in America (I have no idea if that’s true and didn’t bother looking it up), and most of us remember the 90s because we were young, stupid and unaware of the fact that jobs were tough.  We idealize our youth, just like every generation before us who claim they had it much tougher, because we knew nothing and now we know how terrible things are.  For the record in the 90s, marriage equality was legal nowhere, there was the Bosnia crisis, the bombings of the World Trade Center, recessions, a potential removal of office of the President, slow internet, horrible television (watch an episode of Doug and try to seriously enjoy it-impossible) and no Jennifer Lawrence.

Why do we want to go back to that?  To have shitty failed sodas?  If you liked Sprite Remix so much, it would still be around instead of only sold in Malaysia (the Kutztown of Asia).

Then you have the horrible sentimental pieces.  This is to make you feel terrible and also pretend to appreciate your parents, significant others or local registered sex offender by speaking in cliches that Hallmark turned down.  “You might’ve screamed at her, but deep down you knew you loved her”; no shit I love my Mom.  I don’t need a Bon Iver listening latte drinker to tell me that.

But again, we are driven back to sentimentality.  We miss our childhood because we miss our innocence.  We miss our parents being in our lives everyday, because frankly, we miss being told what to do instead of trying to figure out our own routine and paying our own bills.  For the record, every person born before 1985 will swear to you that they were working when they were three months old and kids these days are just so lazy.  Also, we realize that we took everything for granted when we were children.  I used to be so excited to learn how to drive.  It seemed like the perfect liberation and also a cool thing to do.  Within a year, it became just an annoyance.

That’s how everything works.

Of course you have the regional lists where people go “hah, I get it!” because WaWa is the greatest thing ever (New Jersey), the first day of hunting is the best off day of school (Pennsylvania) or “spitting on pictures of MLK was my favorite thing Dad taught me besides peeking under the dressing rooms at clothing stores!” (Florida).

This is supposed to tap into our regional superiority.  Everyone from New Jersey hates everyone from New Jersey.  We have nothing.  The beaches are nice and all but it’s not exactly Cancun or even St. Augustine.  We have Six Flags, but it’s not quite Disney World.  But the minute someone from another state criticizes New Jersey all of a sudden we are like “we pump kegs not gas so IDGAF!”.  Because not self-service.

I couldn’t tell you how horrible these things are.  Everything is roughly recycled posts with enough variations for ass-pickers to go “this is SO ME!” because well, we have nothing else.  That’s why you are so excited to see which serial killer matches your personality or which Kate Upton pose you would totally do.

Down with lists.