UPDATE: Here’s some other links you might find interesting since I’m now popular for a day. Here’s why your major sucks and best yet, here’s my graduation speech for those who want something mildly serious and less caps lock. Also let’s be friends, add me on Twitter @JoeD10k. Just cause.
Well, well, well. In typical “my luck” fashion, my earlier blog post about the best and worst things about Kutztown University is being read excessively. Thankfully I’m viral in the sense that people are sharing my shit, not that I have come down with HPV. It only took a year and a half after it was posted but fuck it; it’s a win.
Mini-disclaimer: I am not making fun of the KU Lacrosse teams when I make fun of lacrosse players. I’m not even making fun of real lacrosse players because they could kick my Division II cross country running ass in literally three blinks. I’m making fun of the stereotype of the “LAX BRO” who is more known as a bro as opposed to a lacrosse player. I apologize to all four who were offended.
Anyway, I thought that now would be a time to do a sequel to the first post and like all sequels; it’ll probably be a let down. But instead of picking just Kutztown University, I thought it would be great to look at the town itself. Nowadays I’m a TOWNIE as opposed to a lonely South Jersey student so I have a pretty decent pulse at what goes on here. Also, I graduated so I really shouldn’t be writing about this place still.
But you read it, so it works.
THE BEST ABOUT KUTZTOWN:
- Check this shit out. We got a GIANT supermarket in town. I know there’s like five hundred local PA towns that can say the same thing but Kutztown usually doesn’t get these big-named franchises so I guess I can relate to how the Cavaliers felt when they first drafted LeBron. Totally comparable.
- “OH MY GOD WE GOT A DUNKIN TOO” :proceeds to fingerblast self with an Avalanche foam finger:”. I hate people who call it “Dunkin” because for some reason my mind pictures a big huge guy named Duncan that all of these folks are going to. But talk about a trade, we went from an American gas station to a straight Dunkin Donuts. Can we trade the old Video/Video rental place next to CVS for a Five Guys?
- Happy Hour deals. Listen to this. At Shorty’s you can get a pizza for $3.00 during Happy Hour. Sure, it’s LIKELY a Lunchables pizza spread but who can pass up that kind of deal? They could put Lily of the Valley on a pizza and I’d still buy it for $3.00.
- Pretzel Revolution. Sure it’s opened hours are usually 1:11pm to 1:22pm but when you catch it open, it’s a gourmet of clogged arteries. Franchise it.
- Mama’s After Hours. Honestly, if you were to describe an overarching Kutztown memory that every single student has, it’s ordering at Mama’s from midnight to 3am most weekends. Everyone looks like Neymar after he got his vertebrae kicked in (and walking similar to him) but happiness is not a warm gun but a slice of slightly cooked Mama’s at 2:15.
- The Potty Paper. I believe the Kutztown Women’s Center (I apologize if I got the name wrong) is responsible for this but I seriously haven’t read a calendar of activities more in my life than yours. Sure, it’s because it’s awesomely located (perfect eye level) but really because I can never got those riddles right. It’s like the ice cream stick ones but ADVANCED.
- Birthday Cake Ice Cream At South. Holy shit that’s delicious, I know you don’t make it but good on you South Dining Hall. Next time I get e.Coli from the grill, I’ll remember how delicious that ice cream was.
- Chef Dan. Isn’t he gone or something? Why did he get name rights to the center at all time? I still this guy advertised. He’s like our homegrown star, we raised him back when he was just handing out Mashed Potato Boxes and now he’s a supernova.
- Oreo Flurry Milkshakes From Mark’s.
- Young Ones Records. Though I could never find a Strokes CD there, I don’t care because they literally have everything there including those generic porn star posters (the ones that don’t show any nudity) that the lax guy has down the hall. (note: I’m not making fun of all lacrosse players and porn stars).
- Kutz Patty’s Day. Sure it’s not a real thing. Hell, it’s literally the worst attempt ever at trying to do something for the day but man was everybody happy. It was like they didn’t even go here or something.
- The Athletics Crew – Shout out to Radar.
- The food at the Pub. Have you not eaten there? You are missing out padowan.
- The Winter. HEY FUN FACT, DID YOU KNOW THAT WINTER GOES FROM NOVEMBER TO THE LAST WEEK OF APRIL HERE?
- The Graveyard House. I lived there. I’d rather live in the cemetery.
- Kutztown Parody Twitter Accounts. Man you are terrible. “HEY GET IT, YOU KNOW YOU GO TO KUTZTOWN WHEN YOU ARE ENROLLED HERE”. Ohhhhh boy, future king of comedy right there. (Note: I literally do the same shit here).
- Takeout’s Prices. Hey want a 6-pack? Sure. OK GOOD NOW FIFTY DOLLARS FOR THIS KEYSTONE LIGHT.
- “Sorry an error has occurred” should still be the name of myKU. Did you know that Kansas University’s version of myKU was “Kyou”. So glad, Kutztown never did that.
- Another Fun Fact: Did you know that 5% of Kutztown walkways are actually Durex condoms? I got nothing against it, I’m just saying how the hell did a condom end up in front of Lytle Hall?
- Lytle Hall. It’s almost like it’s Kutztown’s experiment to see if students can survive without air conditioning.
- DeFran. It’s almost like it’s Kutztown’s experiment to see if students can live with asbestos.
- Commencement. Every single graduation I’ve been to (2) has opened up with MC Cevallos going “Commencement is the act of commencing”. Plus, I went to Kutztown University of Sweatstainsylvania there :no one laughs:.
- I know it’s not the town’s fault, but is there a singular more depressing thing on campus than when the fountains get turned off? Everything becomes Schindler’s List after that.
- Same goes when the corn gets cut on the athletic fields.
- Surveys. Lemme get this straight, if I do this survey, I can win a free ipad2 and small European nation? FUCK YES I’LL DO IT (no one wins).
- Lockdowns where you HAVE TO STAY IN THE BUILDING. I heard one three years ago, and I was convinced a school shooter was in town. I know saying “this is a drill” ruins the desired effect, but if this happens at 5am; people will freak the fuck out.
- I’M SCHMACKED. What the fuck is this and how come I’ve heard that they were coming for a year and still nothing? I guess everyone who got them to acknowledge us dropped out.
- Lack of Concerts. I know, I know, the budget doesn’t allow for a certain amount of money to be spent on live performances. Don’t blame the people who are doing the best they can to schedule. But it’s only a matter of time before KU slashes the budget more and we are all forced to pay $20 Bear Bucks to see KEVIN RUDOLF FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY.