Doug Funnie Sucks

13 Aug

Since I’m a “90S CHILD!” the news of Nickelodeon rebroadcasting some of their “classic” cartoons from my childhood piqued my interest. After all, I grew up with these shows and NOWADAYS KIDS SHOWS SUCK RIGHT?

Well how wrong was I. First off 90s Nickelodeon, regardless of what people tell you, is absolutely fucking terrible minus Hey Arnold!, Invader ZIM and Rocko’s Modern Life. The Angry Beavers is a 2D version of any cartoon now with random violence and bangs, with a lack of a central plot. Jimmy Neutron was just terrible (no one debates that). All That literally made two people over the age of ten laugh and Rugrats just outright fucking sucks.

It’s kind of obvious though. We cherish our childhood as we get older and everything about it is romanticized. We aren’t children anymore so these shows aren’t exclusively made for us anymore but we still love them for the sheer memories. Hence why I’m a 23-year old man that is ecstatic on the idea of going to Walt Disney World again. It’s my childhood memories and nothing can taint it.

But I missed one. The TV show Doug, about the bald-headed grown up version of that shithead Caillou, had to be the most cringeworthy show I have ever seen. Honestly, I’ve never felt more secondhand embarrassment from a cartoon than I did from that asshole.

In case you were loved as a child, the concept of Doug is that he’s a preteen child that is your “average” child in your “average” neighborhood who goes through “average” growing pains. The show screams C+ in every regard, it is the Kristen Stewart of childhood television programming.

Anyway, since Doug apparently has either an active imagination (which seems to be disguised borderline personality disorder) or is a dumbass; each episode is based off Doug creating alternative solutions to everyday problems.

An example, the kids in Doug’s class are going on a field trip to a barn (what the fuck is that about) and Doug has never ridden a horse. So in order to impress the fellow students he adopts the persona of “Durango Doug” in which he wears an undershirt and cowboy hat with straw coming out of his mouth and pretends to have all these tales on taming stallions. Of course, the asshole shits himself on a horse in real life but no one is able to paint him as a fraud. So the episode just kind of ends with Patti Mayonnaise (his crush) keeping his secret quiet.

That’s the show. Sometimes there is Quailman (his superhero alter ego) and other times Doug just average-guys his way to a moderately OK solution.

I loved it as a child and I get why parents do too. It’s nonviolent, it’s lacking fart jokes and it’s mildly mature in the sense that I don’t know, Doug hides his mind-boner when he thinks of Patti Mayonnaise. Plus it was always on when I got home, so it was convenient since you don’t really have many other options as a child.

Oh there’s also the weirdest episode in history when their douchebag vice principal “Mr. Bone” hits his head and thinks he’s a child and has the trippiest dream of all time and then goes to school pretending he’s a child. It’s terrifying in a modern-day sense.

Anyway, Doug also was good with the fact that every color in the damn rainbow was represented by skin tone. OH EXCEPT BLACK PEOPLE WHICH APPARENTLY ARE BLUE (note: Doug is white) as personified by Doug’s beat-boxing friend Skeeter who teaches Doug how to dance and is his comic relief.

Roger Klotz is green and thus trailer trash. Patti Mayonnaise is Melissa Etheridge. Chalky was peppermint green and the jock.

The show sucked and so did 90s Nickelodeon.


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