We are quickly approaching another season of NFL football and while I remain a true, lifelong fan of the league; I have to remind myself that just as many people care. Since I realize that I cannot write a preview good enough thanks to all the professionals who do one, I thought I would give a highly watered down version of it for the rest of you.
You know, the ones who were called by desperate friends to join a fantasy football league even though you really only know Tim Tebow. The person who gets forced into hosting the Super Bowl party because your friends landlord is a little on the Hitler side?
So here’s all you need to know on every team.
Arizona Cardinals: Really nothing interesting here. Their quarterback is named
Atlanta Falcons: This is the team that Michael Vick played for when the world found out that he gave the Stone Cold stunner to various canines. Their coach looks like a guy who would play “the Dad” on a failed TV pilot.
Baltimore Ravens: That dude who only got two games for beating his wife plays for them. Won the Super Bowl a bit ago. Their quarterback will be one they talk about in fifteen years going “hey, even Joe Flacco won a Super Bowl”. Their quarterback who won them their first title is referred to as “hey, even Trent Dilfer won a Super Bowl”.
Buffalo Bills: Not moving to Canada. Andre Reed was from Kutztown. Moving along.
Carolina Panthers: Their quarterback got into some hot water for suggesting he was an entertainer. When white sportswriters talk about “character changes”, they refer to him even though he really never did anything but want to be an icon.
Cincinnati Bengals: Will either be 10-6 or 6-10.
Cleveland Browns: Exciting since they have Johnny Football. If he’s good, you’ll hear all about it. If not, this will be Tebow esque annoying. So basically its a Tim Tebow situation only one happening to the most mundane franchise.
Chicago Bears: Quarterbacked by the most miserable bastard of all time.
Dallas Cowboys: fuck them. Hasn’t been relevant for success since the 80s and 90s but people you know who are fans of them have very little recollection of their past success and are heavily resting on the past to ignore their present.
Denver Broncos: Peyton Manning.
Detroit Lions: They have shiny things but are really just Detroit.
Green Bay Packers: Sorta like the Dallas Cowboys with more recent success and under the impression that they are just blue-collar simple folk who just love me some footbaw.
Houston Texans: This is a franchise you never heard of.
Indianapolis Colts: Peyton Manning until a couple years ago. His replacement is Andre the Giant at age 16.
Jacksonville Jaguars: How’d Jacksonville, the Allentown Pennsylvania of the South, get a franchise?
Kansas City Chiefs: Will be successful. Won’t do anything with said success. Draft their running back.
Los Angeles: hahahahaha, still don’t have a team.
Miami Dolphins: Last year made headlines for bullying the fuck out of one of their teammates to the point where he quit the team. They are your chapter of Phi Beta Natty Light but on suspension from school.
Minnesota Vikings: Their running back is one of the best of all-time. In honor of that, they decided to add nothing to help him out. 90s Detroit Lions of the 2010s.
New England Patriots: Regrettably the best franchise in sports currently. You do know that people from Boston WISH they were just called the Boston Patriots. Coached by smarmiest douchebag outside of Zach Braff.
New Orleans Saints: Since they were successful, that must mean New Orleans is BACK.
New York Giants: GARF GARF is their quarterback and he’s hilariously inept at times. But he’s got two Super Bowl rings so, he’s fascinating. The sports world version of M. Night Shayamalan.
New York Jets: The best soap opera that all of a sudden lost everything and are just kind of annoying. Perpetually in the shadow of the Giants. Even when the Jets are better.
Oakland Raiders: A team that tries to be intimidating, fools itself into believing it while everyone just kind of rolls their eyes. Justin Bieber basically.
Philadelphia Eagles: The Detroit Lions with more success. Even though the season hasn’t begun yet, you know Eagles fans are already pissed.
Pittsburgh Steelers: The Packers mixed with the Raiders with Cowboys level fans. Quarterbacked by a guy who had two public sexual assault cases who might need lap band surgery soon and probably can’t spell his last name.
San Diego Chargers: At one point were considered Super Bowl favorites. Now just the Bengals.
San Francisco 49ers: Their stadium, brand new, is a piece of shit and is not in San Francisco or even really close. They are a 9-7 or 8-8 season away from a very ugly offseason.
Seattle Seahawks: They won the Super Bowl and now we can go pretending they don’t matter. Fans are very proud of their influence and are reaching Steeler-level proportions. “They can’t win without us!”.
St. Louis Rams: Probably will win like five games. Or nine. But it won’t really matter. Their quarterback is out for the year. Again.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Slowly will become the Southern Kansas City Chiefs.
Tennessee Titans: In two weeks, I will copy and paste what I put for the Rams down.
Washington: Kinda racist team name that your weird friend from high school, who you are only friends with on Facebook, will whine about the “pussification of America” because people are offended by RED FUCKING SKINS. Like political correctness is some new Obama concept.
Super Bowl Prediction: Broncos Beat Eagles.
Random Prediction: Johnny Football does well.