Things ONLY 90s CHILDREN WOULD GET

28 Aug

Time for another list.  Boy, us 90s children have it bad.  Like we are in our twenties and shit.  Can you even?  Man “is this real life?”.  Don’t you just miss it when times were a lot more simpler because you were a fucking idiot? 

Well I am.  Cause 23-year old Joe and 2-year old Joe have the same job and outlook on life already.  So, this crisis has me wondering “man, I bet only children from the 90s get this”.

1)-Kids today are lucky, WE HAD TO GO OUTSIDE

Yeah like we never had gaming consoles, air conditioning, food, jobs and the only time we had fun was by going outdoors and playing with the neighborhood children.  Why the fuck does everyone think their childhood was just like the Sandlot?  Aye you, child of the 70s/80s; you had it pretty damn good too.  Not like you were being drafted into Vietnam.  Same goes to you baby boomer, DID YOU GROW UP IN THE GREAT DEPRESSION?  :All people are dead before 1950:.

2)-When MTV SHOWED ACTUAL MUSIC

Yeah, I wish there was this thing on the internet where you could type in an artist name and watch their music video without waiting through fifteen advertisements for Clearasil and Pringles.  Oh wait, showing music on television is fucking stupid.  MTV wouldn’t exist if it just aired music videos.  You can watch ANY video you want. 

3)-Your birth certificate says “Born in 199…”

People just don’t get that nowadays.

4)-You Defend Shitty Cartoons

Doug sucked.  Rocket Power is like something Mitt Romney would write when trying to figure out how children talk like nowadays.  Rugrats is Nick Jr. without a lesson.  Rocko’s Modern Life was great.  CatDog made one kid laugh and he ended up having a locked Twitter account with four followers.  Jimmy Neutron needed his ass kicked.  C’mon.

5)-You miss shitty inventions

Sprite Remix is why you will have Type 2 DYE-A-BEET-US (I like to joke that my ancestors last name was Diabetes and we shortened it to seem Americanized) and Pepsi Blue was awful as was Oreo Os.  Literally nothing good happened in the 90s. 

6)-Music wasn’t trashy

Yeah Britney Spears wearing a tube sock for a shirt WAS NOT PROVOCATIVE AT ALL (pre-Xanax).

7)-Our sports heroes seemed more relatable

Cause steroids.

8)-Gym class was dope

Got me there.

 

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