Archive | September, 2014

The Things You’ll Miss Most About Collegiate Track & Field

24 Sep

Every now and then I see a link to some bullshit “GIF-only” article about some corny topic.  Sometimes I get tagged in them and decide to just not comment and pretend that they don’t exist because that’s what people who rage against the system do.

But one did inspire me to write a new post which I guess is a good thing for me.  It was about “the best things about college athletics” or something like that, I don’t remember and don’t feel like linking.  It was filled with a bunch of things that never happened to me except like three of fifteen but it did get me thinking.

I’ve been out of college for nearly a year now.  We are coming up on one year of a bunch of “last” milestones for me and that’s kind of upsetting.  It’s been nearly two years since my last track and field race (I was injured my senior year) and now we are coming up on a year since I was done with cross country.

That is kind of upsetting.  I did have the benefit of boosting my resume for volunteer coaching, which was a fun experience all jokes aside, but competition wise?  It’s all gone.

So here are the things that you, the student-athlete who can’t wait for that random day off of training, will miss when you graduate.  For people who didn’t do track and field; well…..pretend it relates to you.

Being In Shape

I run about 4 miles a day.  Sometimes 3, sometimes 5.  For a 23-year old that lives off of Big Macs, Dr. Pepper and the cheapest 24 oz beer I can find (GENNY CREAMMMMMMMM); I’m in pretty good shape.  I know plenty of people my age that can’t run one 7:00 minute mile let alone a couple in a row.

But when you run, you will ALWAYS compare yourself to your previous self.  I looked back at my running log and saw a 14-mile run done at 6:43 pace.  For runners better than me, that’s no big deal but now I look back at myself and just go “shit, I was a beast….well for being a 6’0 pale kid who looks mildly malnourished”.

For shits and giggles, I was thrown into our “alumni team” for my alma mater’s home cross country meet.  I opened up in a 6:10 mile and I felt like I was going to die.  I have opened up in SUB-5 minute miles before and now I can’t even do my workout pace for a fucking mile.  For some people, that’s a motivator.  For me, that’s FUCK THIS SHIT.

Now I see why people do fake sports like CrossFit, Mud Runs or DoucheNozzle.  It’s something you can’t judge yourself off of since it’s all new and gimmicky.

But you will do anything to be your old self if you are lazy and unmotivated.  Even if you are in top shape, you are always missing that edge.  I kept in pretty good shape for about three months after graduating but you just aren’t you.

This summer I lived in Kutztown and ran Rod and Gun once and all I could think about was how much I lived for it.  I hated the hills, I hated the roads, I hated the feeling at about Mile 5….but god I loved it.


I never ran for myself.  I kind of HATE running.  I love everything about it, but the act of it?  Low on the things I enjoy.  The only thing that really drove me was being part of something and not wanting to let down my coaches, my teammates and my family.

However when you are away from the team, you kind of lose yourself.  Most alumni at one point or another go off the deep end for a bit and I guess it’s my turn.  You end up cocky as hell when you graduate because you set yourself up as “OH THEY’LL MISS ME WHEN I’M GONE AND I’LL BE A KING FOR A DAY” until you realize that you are an idiot.  It’s not that they don’t care or miss you, it’s just….”YO DUDE WE’RE FRIENDS!”.

The team aspect is what really drove me.  I HATE the word “family”.  Instead though we were us.  That to me is so much more special.  No one can take away what it’s like to die in the heat, to freeze in the cold, to survive the workout and go through everything else together.  We, no matter how much you may or may not like the person next to you, those runs happened.

I’ll use a couple examples.  Brad was/is a good friend.  We lived together but we were a year or so apart in age.  Brad was a mid-distance guy and I was more of a “tweener”.  However, all of the best workouts I ever had was with Brad because our styles just complimented each other well.  I had various workout buddies and the best ones are the ones you never expect.  It’s great to find contrast.

Anthony was probably my best friend.  We were similar but we didn’t exactly workout the best together because well, we were too tight probably.  Jake and I worked out well together as well, but the dude could run a workout perfectly by himself or in a group of 10000.  Steve is the worst person in history (miss ya bud).


Someone gets on the wrong side of coach.  Someone ends up a team cancer.  Someone dates another teammate.  Someone really hates someone else and no one knows what to do.

You will miss all that shit.  You will miss getting screamed at.  Trust me, your coach (unless you are a shithead and deserve it) might yell at you but you always have the chance to be better.  Things might get lost in translation but for the most part, something is off.  In the real world, you get fired instead and end up unemployed, beaten down, bruised and writing a blog.

The people who you hate now on your team, and there’s always a couple, will be funny memories in two years.  You will learn to appreciate who they were even if they pissed you off.  I’ve had teammates get in trouble, ignore us, hate us, get cut from the team or even leave us shorthanded.  Now every single one of those is just hilarious.


The fact that it’s 3:53 now means I know exactly what’s happening.  It’s Wednesday so it’s likely a long run.  I’m willing to bet they did Caves and right now they are nearing the hill.  Maybe they did Crystal and are approaching the humpback hill.  Someone definitely suggested Topton or Pretzel Rod and were shut down.  There’s a couple people who took off early and there’s a couple who are really waiting for a piss break or stretch right about now.

You will, for the rest of your life, see 3:15 or 3:30 and know exactly what’s going on.  Then you realize that the importance of that is gone.


There are no pickup track meets.  You don’t get a group of guys who go “hey, let’s compete!” and do a Sandlot version of a track & field meet.  You will miss waking up too early, waiting all day for the 5k and everyone being pissed off at you because they just want to watch the 4×4.

Off Days

Scheduled days off are the best.  It’s awesome.  The best is when you get a week or so off in-between seasons and you always make big plans that never happen.  “DUDE we have two weeks off!  Let’s go to Infinnito’s each night and enter the NASA training program”.  We get so ambitious when we get off but instead we just sleep and actually do homework.

Scheduled days off are now called “holidays”.  There’s like only seven a year and three of them are smashed together at the end of the year.

What do you miss?


Ranking The Harry Potter Characters From Best To Worst

23 Sep

Another ranking of a thing I like.  The internet should have more ranks and lists.  I never see them online and it’s rather infuriating.

Criteria for this list is to be rather noteworthy in the books.  Since the canon is so long, it’s impossible to add and list every character but its my blog and my rules.  If you don’t like it, there’s multiple doors in your house that you can walk out of.

  1. Remus Lupin.  Lupin is the best character by far.  Okay, by kind of not that much.  He’s really a breath of fresh air and the last link Harry has to his father.  Kind of bullshit that he was the most “major” character to die (besides Voldemort spoiler alert…no, if you aren’t aware how they end right now then you shouldn’t be reading this) in the series.  I do kind of like though that the guy gets bitten by a werewolf, loses his job, can’t find a job, hangs out with werewolves to recruit (that literally sounds like the worst thing ever) and the ONE thing that sets him off is having a baby.  I was disappointed in Lupin being all deadbeat werewolf on his family, and if a fictional character makes you feel “disappointed” than they are the best.
  2. Hermione Granger.  I, as a straight white male am qualified to say this (we do know everything by the way), but I feel like Hermione inspired millions of girls to go to college.  That’s a good thing.  Harry needed some logical friends and instead he got one.  She was easily the most loyal to Harry too.
  3. Fred & George Weasley.  Killing Fred was the worst death in the series cause you figured out it was going to happen right before the sentence declared it.
  4. Sirius Black.  I hated 5th book Sirius.  I hated his death too.  He was much more fun as a rat-eating dog-man than as an emo sadsack in his Mom’s house.  But he was a great character and the letters to Sirius bits were one of the better parts of the books.
  5. Dolores Umbridge + Bellatrix Lestrange.  So purely evil.  Like Voldemort had a reason to I guess.  He was kinda messed up in the head and he was talented.  Those two?  No reason to be but just chose to be evil.  I support that.  I support self-aware hatred.  The world needs more of it.
  6. Voldemort.  The part where he was reborn definitely gave me nightmares.  Not really.  But it seemed like a profound thing to say.  Voldemort was a villain for the people.  He always ruined Finals week.  You know he’s terrifying and all but a few Hufflepuff students (because they suck at everything, this is proven) were probably like “thank god, we missed that History of Magic exam; #RIPCEDRICNEVERFORGET.
  7. Hedwig – I won’t forgive JK Rowling for killing Hedwig who did nothing wrong.
  8. Dobby – A true martyr.  House elves really do have it bad.  I like how its justified though “ahhh, they LOVE slavery”.  It’s pretty funny that Dobby tries to freelance house elf and no one wants him.  “SIR I WANTS FIVE GALLEONS A DAY”.  “Uhhh, I don’t need a house elf; you forget I’m magic and things are pretty easy to clean up when you are magical”.
  9. Luna Lovegood – So independent.  So free spirited.  So kind of crazy and definitely a 9/11 truther but not the bad kind the kind that is all like “evil lizards”.  How was she in Ravenclaw?
  10. Oliver Wood.  Underrated.  The dude was a maniac.  He would be the worst captain ever, but its nice to see that other people in the magical world don’t carry about ISIS and are more worried about Quidditch.  I mean, what’s funny is that there are only 4 teams in the conference and Slytherin is always guaranteed to lose because they are evil and no one wants them to win.  So you have a 1/3 shot at winning the House Cup.  Gotta like those odds.
  11. Draco Malfoy.  He was fun when he was a shitstain preppy rich kid.  Sucked as a villain.  I know that’s the point, but….c’mon son, toughen up.
  12. Rita Skeeter
  13. Minerva McGonagall.  She’s that teacher that you hate until ten years after you graduate and you go, “you know she taught us some things” and then wistfully wonder if she’s still alive and teaching.
  14. Peeves.  Oh that asshole, we’d get into a lot of trouble together.  Actually, I’d just be an anonymous student but I like to believe deep down that I’d be a third Weasley twin and we’d be popular and have fun in poverty.
  15. The Weasley Parents.  I like how much the books really make Molly Weasley batshit crazy.  There needs to be a BBC sitcom based off Molly just yelling at Fred for typical things like spending too much money, not cleaning after himself, sucking at his job; you know the usual.
  16. Ginny Weasley – She’s like every good part of every good Weasley brother (except Ron).
  17. Severus Snape.  It was so obvious that they were going to make a sympathetic figure.  It was “sweet” I guess, but don’t act like Snape totally wasn’t the wizarding version of those guys hacking into celebrity’s iClouds when he was a teen.
  18. Kingsley Shacklebolt.  Holy hell, did the movie versions make him a complete stereotype.  Why is he wearing a daishiki?  In the books, he was just normal stereotyped as a guy with a big hoop earring and a deep voice.  He went from Morgan Freeman to fucking Shaft.  J.K. Rowling needs a lesson in diversity.  “Lee Jackson, a boy with DREADS :WINK WINK:”.
  19. Albus Dumbledore.  Spent way too much time being vague and way too much time with Harry, obvious favoritism.  I know Harry kind of had an important job in vanquishing evil and that can’t be understated but there was way too much “you’re on your own pal”.  Ayn Rand Dumbledore.  I don’t get the “point system” of Hogwarts too.  Professor Sprout just gives Hermione points for raising her hand and Harry Potter saves the Sorceror’s Stone as an 11-year old (who every summer grows like 10 inches by the way, how tall is Harry?) and gets 50?
  20. Cornelius Fudge.  In real life, its aggravating when you have George W. Bush or Rob Ford.  In the books?  Its kinda silly and funny.  “Look at old bumblin’ Fudge not aware of anything”.  I like how he tells the Muggle Prime Minister “uhh, by the way; that evil guy who even MAGIC PEOPLE can’t defeat is back.  Totally wrong there, chap.  Real swing and miss on my part.  Good luck!”.
  21. Nearly Headless Nick.  OH MY GOD YOU AREN’T HEADLESS, ITS YOUR NICKNAME.  YOU CAN’T JOIN THE HEADLESS HUNT.  I like how the movie version totally forgets that subplot ever happened.  NHN was a dumbass.  It’s funny to think that pre-death he was just Nick.  “There’s Nick with his full head of hair.”  Boy did that sentence end up being too soon.
  22. Harry.  Kind of a dumbass.  I like how they made him basically the wizarding version of Tim Tebow.  “He looks bad but boy he just WINS I tell ya”.  Lame hero actually, he got lucky his Mom loved him I guess.  That’s really the whole series whittled down in one sentence “Mom loves boy, boy can’t die for a bit, beats evil”.
  23. Neville Longbottom – Again, it just….was predictable he’d become a savior of some kind.  I miss him getting shit on for kind of sucking as a human being overall.  Remember how they found out he was magic?  His uncle held him out of the window on his head and just…dropped him.  That’s HILARIOUS.
  24. Nagini – that snake is scary as shit.
  25. Hagrid – Fucking idiot.  Almost 90% of the bad things that happen all start with Hagrid fucking up.  Dumbledore made him a PROFESSOR.  He’s condescending for no reason.  “AY ‘ARRY, I SPEAK LIKE A PIRATE FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON.  IF YOU WANT TO CALM DOWN THIS FIRE DRAGON YOU JUST DO THIS :gives fire dragon a rectal exam:”.  I love how dumb everyone is by the way when they were like “oh, he’s part-giant?  I just thought he was 9 foot 1000”.
  26. Seamus Finnigan.  I guess we needed a stereotypical Irish guy in there.
  27. Ron Weasley – There’s a lot of things in this world that is terrible.  There’s constant chaos, we are in a state of permanent war, there really is nothing good going on in the world it seems like.  All of these things pale in comparison to the awfulness of Ronald Weasley.  There is not a single redeeming thing that Ron provided in the books.  He was a shitty student.  A shitty keeper.  A shitty friend (he ditches Harry like once per book ONCE BECAUSE HE WAS FUCKING HUNGRY).  Everything about Ron exudes toxic waste.  He’s a horrible human being.  The ONE good thing he does in the books is so hastily written and barely believable (in a book about magical teenagers) and its so obvious that J.K. Rowling through it in the air.  Ron Weasley OPENED THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS.  Think about that shit.  He just pretended to spit at it, and got a bunch of basilisk fangs.  How made up is that?  I wish Madame Pomfrey just let him you know…..”move on”… to speak.  No one wants him, no one needs him.  I loved when Harry got better presents from Ron’s parents than Ron did.  Just because, you know that Ron bitched about that for a week on his Tumblr.  You KNOW he has a Tumblr.

The Worst Sitcoms To Be Popular – Ranked

22 Sep

I’m pretty much dedicating Satirical Thoughts now to burning hot takes and weird self-reflections.  At this point, I have nothing else to give but insults and sadness so I’m going to keep this ball rolling.

There’s a lot of awful sitcoms out there, I mean the sitcom is the TV’s answer to the romantic comedy after all.  It’s so hard to be “funny” each year and I understand that some shows fade as they grow older.

But some of them are way too popular for their own good, and that’s where I come into play.  I’m not actually ranking these because they are all so awful.  So I lied to you so you could read this.  Here are the worst sitcoms ever, and not the ones that last like five episodes (like that Mulaney show on FOX that definitely will) but the ones to have a fanbase.

Big Bang Theory

Get it, they are nerds and she’s hot!  How can a show make it eight seasons off that premise?  I know “nerd culture” is in but did they ever explain how a couple PHDs and scientists can afford the same apartment space as a Cheesecake Factory hostess?  I’m sure they did but I never really cared enough.

The Big Bang Theory is a show where the laugh track is the only thing that laughs.  I guess this is the show for science majors who weren’t patient enough for Breaking Bad.  I guess being a 6’3 scientist who only says obscure words and has no abilities to relate to people whatsoever is a better career goal than a meth cook.  Oh, there’s a stereotypical Jewish guy in it and someone from India?  DIVERSITY.  All groups of people can be unfunny!

Full House

Holy shit, this was actually popular?  Ok, admittedly I watched this show in 5th and 6th grade (I don’t really remember it being on during my young childhood where I assume people my age grew up on it) but then I stopped because I realized it sucked.  The only interesting thing about this is that it starred “nice” Bob Saget.

Full House is the worst of the worse.  Any show that has an “awww” sequence in it or a “WHOOOO” when a romantic moment happens is immediately worthy of a cancellation.  I cringe watching it.  It’s like watching a videotape of you from 7th grade.  There’s nothing good that comes from out of it.  I’m glad no one reads this blog because if this ever went viral I’m sure the leading BuzzFeed article would be “HOW RUDE: Blogger goes on Full House rant”.  But no one does.


This one can just go to hell.  First off, it gave us Joey which was literally forced to stay on the air even though everyone pretended it didn’t happen.  Second, the theme song gets radio play.  Third, David Schwimmer was casted on it and fourth, Jennifer Aniston is famous because of this.  Has anyone been hired to be not funny, charming, silly or entertaining in everything they do more than Jennifer Aniston?  She’s the female Ryan Reynolds.

Oh they are all white singles who just HAPPEN TO BANG EACH OTHER.  One’s stupid, one’s hot (?), one’s a compulsive whiner, one has a weird brush with fame, one is literally this is the show.  Every episode is “The One With The”.  They probably still think that’s clever.  Friends sucked.  It’s a horrendously dated time capsule into the 90s.  It’s the reason why people wanted fucking Surge back.  It’s a shitty soda.


I have a boycott on all Zach Braff related things.  I blame this show for the word “bromance”.  I blame this for Zach Braff thinking he’s some indie-lite version of Tom Hanks.  I blame this for ISIS.

Yes, Dear

I liked this when I was younger.  Now that I’m older, I realized this is like a horribly acted out high school drama class production.  Even the laugh track gets bored.

Two and a Half Men

The half man was found out to be some weird religious extremist that disavowed the show, the other man pretty much dared to be fired and somehow the worst person in all of this remains to be Jon Cryer.  Of all the people to have the show rely on, Jon Cryer was the last one you wanted to see make it.  Jon Cryer is the type of guy whose next career move is starring on a show on TVLand before Hot in Cleveland….that’ll be cancelled after one season.

Has this show been cancelled yet?  (I know it hasn’t but you ask these questions to brag to the readers that you aren’t up to date on awful things even though you are).  It should be cancelled.

The Middle

The only reason this show is still on the air is because people need 30 minutes to kill until Modern Family comes on.  That’s the only excuse.  Patricia Heaton deserves zero success.  The father is kind of funny though and the Norm MacDonald cameos are really the only things that make this show mildly charming.


Seriously, just look at that fucking face.


Man Caught Beating Fiancee: You Won’t BELIEVE What Happened Next

20 Sep

He would get suspended for two games.

Then public outrage.

Months later, he would be suspended indefinitely from the NFL.

Album Review: Tyranny – Julian Casabalancas + The Voidz

19 Sep

Pretty much since New Years, I have been eagerly awaiting the second solo album by Strokes frontman Julian Casablancas.  I guess this is TECHNICALLY not a solo album as it’s a new band but fuck it, my blog my rules.

Back in the Spring, JC+TVZ went on a festival type tour and the feelings were pretty mixed.  Casablancas seemed more in his element than he did in the past decade with the Strokes but musically; something was off.  The mixes didn’t sound too hot, the vocals were hit or miss and since we had no idea what songs he was singing; it just wasn’t really good.

I started dreading the release to a degree.  I was going to obviously buy it, but enjoy it?  Considering the standard set by the criminally underrated Phrazes for the Young what would I expect from Tyranny?

Well today, I finally got my chance to hear Tyranny (streaming FOR FREE on RollingStone) and I am much more optimistic.  Throughout the pre-release promotion of the album; there seemed to be a common theme.  This was a protest record by Casablancas and it would not be the same as the Strokes or Phrazes.  It would be “rad” but “alienate” certain fans and critics.

After hearing the album I can say that it’s definitely out there but not as crazy as the initial hype would have suggested.  Make no mistake, this album is at times HEAVY and there’s only small glimpses of the same man who wrote “The Modern Age” and “Someday”.  If you are expecting a 6th Strokes album off of this, then well; save your $3.87.

The album kickstarts with “Take Me In Your Army” which to me sounds like a haunting spinoff of “Instant Crush”, the song that Casablancas collaborated with Daft Punk.  It’s a lowkey opener in the vein of “Is This It” but that’s the only comparison I could think of.  “Crunch Punch” follows and you hear those trademarked Casablancas drones that we have all become accustomed to hearing with another “haunting” repetitive riff backing.

The album kicks into overdrive with “M.utual A.ssured D.estruction” before the 10-minute “Human Sadness” (the first track released) slows things down, then picks it up, then slows it down; then really makes you stop and think.  I’m of the opinion that “Human Sadness” is kind of a snoozer but it’s clearly the deepest track Casablancas has ever wrote.

First single “Where No Eagles Fly” sees the Voidz starting to sound like a more cohesive unit and then it’s followed by “Father Electricity” (a seven-minute experiment that would’ve been better left at four) and album highlight “Johan Von Bronx”.  “Johan von Bronx” was formerly “Ego” and it has the strongest, most catchy chorus that you’ll find.  In fact, when it comes to a “catchy” chorus; this might be one of Casablancas’s best in recent memory.

“Business Dog” is a tight, disjointed jam that is the older brother of “50/50” and “Xerox” is a weird, off-kilter ballad that instrumentally sounds like something straight out of Halloween.  “Dare I Care” sees the Voidz sound like an evil version of Vampire Weekend with heavy drums and island influences with a “One-Way Trigger” twist.  “Nintendo Blood” is the true 80s sounding song on this album before “Off to War” puzzles you as the album draws to a close.

All in all, “Tyranny” seems like the project Julian Casablancas and the Voidz wanted.  It sounds intentionally incomplete and I guess the word “disjointed” and “haunting” are the best words describe it.  There’s influences of a variety of bands and I can’t help but see the homage to the Misfits with “Where No Eagles Fly” and “Dare I Care” as one of the most recognizable Misfits songs is “Where Eagles Dare”.  This is a punk rock sounding album that is a lot heavier than any Strokes-related material beforehand.

It’s not perfect and it’s not for everyone.  There’s some misses on this album and it struggles when Casablancas tries to be a bit too ambitious on certain tracks.  When he keeps it “relatively” concise and simple, the album shines.

Overall, I’m giving it a B.

Overall Grade:  B (or 8/10)
Songs To Download:  “Where No Eagles Fly”, “Johan von Bronx”, “Dare I Care”, “Nintendo Blood”
Songs To Skip:  “Xerox”, “Off To War”


The Fan Groups You Can NOT Insult

12 Sep

Oh boy.  I’ve been heated lately, I tell ya.  I’m talking about I’m dishing some scorching, red-hot takes online because for some reason I’m just fired up.  Maybe it’s because I’ve been listening to some Misfits (only Danzig era obviously) or maybe its because I’ve been listening to Joy Division and now just want an escape.

Or maybe I’m just fired up from a shitty week.

Anyway, I learned something over the past decade of social media usage.  There are certain groups of people you cannot insult.  I mean, I’m not talking about Jews or anything; I’m talking about fan groups.  Yes, fan groups; the people who just take things wayyyyy too personally.

There’s just some groups where if you say one little thing, your timeline will be flooded with some pretty shocking things.  Like if the NSA found out; jails would be a lot more crowded.

But here’s a little handy guide to tell you the people you can not shit on for the life of you.


Yankee Fans – COUNT DA RINGS

Shit.  Yes, no matter what you say, the New York Yankees are the most successful professional team in all of the Big 4 American Sport leagues.  That can not be denied.  In fact the history of the Yankees is probably more iconic than the Presidents we have had.

But say one fucking word against them.  “COUNT THE RINGS”.  Fuck it’s like they were somehow responsible for all that success.  Phil from Hackensack wants a word with you and it was all his idea for the Yankees to buy Babe Ruth apparently.  “Oh but doood, my Dad is from New York”.  No cut that shit out.  Just man up and admit you are a front runner if you are not directly from New York.  You don’t even watch baseball likely.  You just call the Yanks “muh team”.


Honorable Mentions:  Los Angeles Fans (just kidding, they don’t exist.  BOOOM JACKSONVILLE HAS A TEAM AND YOU DON’T.) But seriously Boston.


Penn Fucking State

I’m not even going to bother touching this with a ten-foot pole because the collective groupthink is so appalling and unaware that I’m not sure they can process any criticism whatsoever.  How I wish Pennsylvania was more of a fan of Lock Haven than Penn State.

This is a school.  A school.  But if you ask the mouthbreathers of Central PA what their religion is (outside of incest) they are going to tell you how good of a man JoePa was for donating a tax writeoff to a library.

I grew up liking Penn State a bit.  Then I became a frontrunner once Rutgers saw a bowl game.  No qualms admitting that.  Hell, I still don’t even really mind the Nittany Lions but the truther movement that has built itself into the cult of PSU FootBAWWW is ridiculous.  No matter how many times they half-ass tweet “#forthekids” they want you to know they were the true victims of the Freeh Report.

The good?  THON is probably the best thing that any college does on an annual basis bar none.

Honorable Mentions:  Harvard


Soda Drinkers

Guilty as charged here.  You try to pass that viral image of how “OBESITY” should be on those Coke bottles and I know you feel good about yourself.  But fuck you, I love it and I’ll put my fingers and my ears and yell the chorus to Helter Skelter as loud as I can to not hear you.

Soda drinkers are just a tick above coffee drinkers because while coffee drinkers brag about their insatiable need to have coffee; they don’t get offended by it.  Soda drinkers know we are bad.  We know we are killing ourselves and giving us DIE-A-BEET-US with each sip.

But let us be.

Political Groups

Ron Paul

Holy fucking shit.  Have you ever heard a group of people that personify the word “sheep” more than the people who say it in every sentence than the Paulites?  They are a combination of so many annoying factions.  Racists, students on their way to their undergrad, undersized white athletes who still have that chip on their shoulder from not making the freshman A football team, gym bros, 9/11 truthers (coming soon) and people who claim to just “tell it like it is”.

That’s the Ron Paul group.  Ron Paul could agree with Obama and they’d go “see, the mainstream media won’t let him do anything”.

Honorable Mentions:  Reagonites, Obama supporters, people who don’t vote and let you know it.

Conspiracy Theorists

9/11 Truth

Fuck them.  They are the discredited professor who thinks it was a conspiracy they got fired for some vague reason.  Each one of them just call themselves “a concerned citizen” because that just sounds so much more patriotic than “high school dropout”.

Oh and stop talking about Building 7.  I almost think they only reason they care about it is because “it’s the building NO ONE heard about” and they can show off that they “do pay attention” unlike you “sheeple”.

Honorable Mentions:  Penn State, Illuminati 

Music Fans


She’s so strong, so independent, she’s a thought catalog piece come to life.  By the way, 4 was a better album than Beyonce.  Boom.

Honorable Mention:  Beliebers, people who complain about today’s top-40 music, grunge fans (“the last great rock movement”), indie fans (“the last great rock movement”).


New Jersey


Honorable Mentions:  North Jersey, South Jersey, Central Jersey, Berks County



Ugh.  Take solace JV bench players because in five years, you will be completely enamored with this fad.  It’s almost worse than the minimalist movement that hit running.  CrossFit is for people who think Tough Mudders aren’t “badass” enough.  For those who think the word “spartan” can be interchanged in normal lexicon.



I Understand

10 Sep

Today is “National Suicide Awareness Day” (or National Suicide Prevention Day depending on what you have read) and it’s been a bit disappointing to here the lack of talk about it.  Granted we are in the middle of a pretty furious news cycle with ISIS, Ray Rice and the 13th anniversary of September 11h all coming up; so there’s a lot going on in the world.

But I thought it would be best to bring up my personal experiences.  I’m not really good at this in all honesty but sometimes it’s part of the healing process to just bring up what troubles you.

When actor Robin Williams committed suicide, I watched my Timeline fill up with remembrances, tributes and condolences/prayers to the family.  You heard people ask “why” and also people go “let this be a reminder of the issue of mental health”.

I was a bit different.  Now, I’m not an expert.  I do not know Robin Williams and for me to play armchair analyst of his psyche could be considered an insult to his family, loved ones and psychiatrists in general.  But to me, I understood.  I was sad obviously, and I was never really a Robin Williams fan, but something about it made me feel like I knew him.  I didn’t quite feel like I was looking in a mirror; but I felt something.  Almost like I was on the same wavelength or at least had a fraction of an understanding why this occurred.

Depression I always thought was a vague term.  People assume depression is sad.  They assume it’s maybe even anger.  You hear the commercials and you hear the symptoms such as malaise and a lack of interest in your usual activities which makes it sound like a phase.

I think we all have our problems.  I think we all have different ways of coping.  I think we all could use a non-biased professional to talk our issues out over.

But I’m undiagnosed.  I’m just me.

So here’s where I begin.  I believe depression is acting.  I believe depression or mental illness (on a much more bigger scope) is almost acting.  Not that it’s fake, but I feel fake.

I’m a genuinely pretty happy person.  I’m not really someone that stares outside the window like in the commercials or cries myself to sleep like the unfortunate stereotype of depression.  I’m more of a blank slate.

When I find something I enjoy, whether it’s something as simple as a song or as complex as U.S. foreign policy; I almost become manic.  I need to know every lyric, every move made, every little bit of progress and hear every cover by every band or artist.  I immerse myself completely into that hobby.  I write about it, I discuss it, I literally pour my heart and soul into it.

When someone isn’t the same way, I get frustrated.  Not at them, but at me.  You feel secondhand embarrassment and then you come down on yourself.  But then I find another hobby and I repeat everything again.  Look at my blogs, you can see when I’m fully invested into it as opposed to when I take a back seat to it.

When I watched Robin Williams do everything, I saw a man that put his heart and soul into it.  When I hear Ian Curtis of Joy Division sing, I feel his lyrics.  I hear the devotion, I hear the care, I hear the complete sensation of being locked in.

Then I realize what happens when sometimes it goes away.  I’ve put my heart and soul into a few things that have recently ended.  College, old jobs, relationships amongst other things.  They all have kind of ended at once and now I’m home in Jersey wondering where the next step is.

The thing is, my mind is not engaged and therefore; I quit.  I didn’t give up on it; it just kind of all left me at once.  So I’m still in that phase where I want to be a captain, or a good friend or a person that immerses themselves into the things they love.  I want to be part of it because that was when I felt like me.  I miss a title.  The intern, the boyfriend, the captain, the leader, the drinker, the laughter, the rah-rah guy in the huddle.  I don’t like being the (insert).

So then you find vices.  For some it’s drugs.  For others its alcohol.  Some others have less lethal ones such as writing, painting, really anything that you can keep your mind off the fact that you just can’t get over it.  With Robin Williams, who I need to keep going back to; I genuinely felt like there was the fear of failure and maybe losing relevance with the guilt of finding vices.  That’s a horrific judgement for me to make but that’s how I perceive it because I know the feeling.  At least that feeling.

I know I’m bungling this as I’m not being very consistent and forth telling.  But I guess that illustrates how hard it is to really explain what happens.  It’s hard to explain who I am.

But others don’t get that.  “Talking” is sometimes the most painful thing for a person to do.  You don’t want to be perceived as a sad sack.  However, one talk never really figures it out.  You always catch yourself thinking of new things that you wish you would’ve said in the earlier conversation.  I’ve been on the other end.  I know what its like when someone keeps constantly talking to you about their problems and you just want to say “get over it”.  It’s human nature.

However, all environments are different and that’s why human nature isn’t a really phrase that matches up.  Nature isn’t simple.

The one thing I wish we could all do is shut up.  If we all listened or made ourselves open to listening, the world could be a better place.  Put yourself into another person’s shoes, of course they want to talk.  Sometimes they want to SCREAM.  But you don’t want to rain on the parade and hell I’ve been there before too.  Sometimes you just want to break down.  Sometimes you just wish that person WON’T break down.

Suicide is never the answer as much of a cliche as that is.  However, I can never guarantee that your life will be the most blessed one on this Earth.  There will be horrible things to happen.  There also will be great ones.  But if you aren’t around, you don’t get that chance to have the possibility of it getting better.

When I was in middle school, I was a bully and the bullied.  I just didn’t know how to do it.  I was part pain in the ass, part quiet kid in the corner, part joking kid that no one laughed at (that part hasn’t changed if you ask some) and part athlete.  I was the best soccer player in our gym class but was the second-to-last pick of all the boys my age in sixth grade.  I was the kid that sat with younger kids at the lunch table, partially because I was awkward but partially because what the fuck else was I to do.  I sat with kids who weren’t my friends and just begged to be accepted.  It’s a hard sell because I’m not being the person I am.  I am much more confident now though, once I got that fresh start that some others just don’t get.

Depression is acting though.  It’s putting on a face, it’s playing a role that isn’t you the person.  It’s part acceptance, part not accepting.  It’s an illness.  Not a mood.  It afflicts everyone.  The jock, the comedian, the singer, the artist, the sad one, the angry one, the conspiracy theorist, the believer, the atheist, the theist; you name it, they got it.

All you need to say is, I understand.  All you need to do is listen.  A five-minute chat can help but it won’t change the course of life.  It takes time.

I understand.