Oh boy. I’ve been heated lately, I tell ya. I’m talking about I’m dishing some scorching, red-hot takes online because for some reason I’m just fired up. Maybe it’s because I’ve been listening to some Misfits (only Danzig era obviously) or maybe its because I’ve been listening to Joy Division and now just want an escape.
Or maybe I’m just fired up from a shitty week.
Anyway, I learned something over the past decade of social media usage. There are certain groups of people you cannot insult. I mean, I’m not talking about Jews or anything; I’m talking about fan groups. Yes, fan groups; the people who just take things wayyyyy too personally.
There’s just some groups where if you say one little thing, your timeline will be flooded with some pretty shocking things. Like if the NSA found out; jails would be a lot more crowded.
But here’s a little handy guide to tell you the people you can not shit on for the life of you.
Yankee Fans – COUNT DA RINGS
Shit. Yes, no matter what you say, the New York Yankees are the most successful professional team in all of the Big 4 American Sport leagues. That can not be denied. In fact the history of the Yankees is probably more iconic than the Presidents we have had.
But say one fucking word against them. “COUNT THE RINGS”. Fuck it’s like they were somehow responsible for all that success. Phil from Hackensack wants a word with you and it was all his idea for the Yankees to buy Babe Ruth apparently. “Oh but doood, my Dad is from New York”. No cut that shit out. Just man up and admit you are a front runner if you are not directly from New York. You don’t even watch baseball likely. You just call the Yanks “muh team”.
Honorable Mentions: Los Angeles Fans (just kidding, they don’t exist. BOOOM JACKSONVILLE HAS A TEAM AND YOU DON’T.) But seriously Boston.
Penn Fucking State
I’m not even going to bother touching this with a ten-foot pole because the collective groupthink is so appalling and unaware that I’m not sure they can process any criticism whatsoever. How I wish Pennsylvania was more of a fan of Lock Haven than Penn State.
This is a school. A school. But if you ask the mouthbreathers of Central PA what their religion is (outside of incest) they are going to tell you how good of a man JoePa was for donating a tax writeoff to a library.
I grew up liking Penn State a bit. Then I became a frontrunner once Rutgers saw a bowl game. No qualms admitting that. Hell, I still don’t even really mind the Nittany Lions but the truther movement that has built itself into the cult of PSU FootBAWWW is ridiculous. No matter how many times they half-ass tweet “#forthekids” they want you to know they were the true victims of the Freeh Report.
The good? THON is probably the best thing that any college does on an annual basis bar none.
Honorable Mentions: Harvard
Guilty as charged here. You try to pass that viral image of how “OBESITY” should be on those Coke bottles and I know you feel good about yourself. But fuck you, I love it and I’ll put my fingers and my ears and yell the chorus to Helter Skelter as loud as I can to not hear you.
Soda drinkers are just a tick above coffee drinkers because while coffee drinkers brag about their insatiable need to have coffee; they don’t get offended by it. Soda drinkers know we are bad. We know we are killing ourselves and giving us DIE-A-BEET-US with each sip.
But let us be.
Holy fucking shit. Have you ever heard a group of people that personify the word “sheep” more than the people who say it in every sentence than the Paulites? They are a combination of so many annoying factions. Racists, students on their way to their undergrad, undersized white athletes who still have that chip on their shoulder from not making the freshman A football team, gym bros, 9/11 truthers (coming soon) and people who claim to just “tell it like it is”.
That’s the Ron Paul group. Ron Paul could agree with Obama and they’d go “see, the mainstream media won’t let him do anything”.
Honorable Mentions: Reagonites, Obama supporters, people who don’t vote and let you know it.
Fuck them. They are the discredited professor who thinks it was a conspiracy they got fired for some vague reason. Each one of them just call themselves “a concerned citizen” because that just sounds so much more patriotic than “high school dropout”.
Oh and stop talking about Building 7. I almost think they only reason they care about it is because “it’s the building NO ONE heard about” and they can show off that they “do pay attention” unlike you “sheeple”.
Honorable Mentions: Penn State, Illuminati
She’s so strong, so independent, she’s a thought catalog piece come to life. By the way, 4 was a better album than Beyonce. Boom.
Honorable Mention: Beliebers, people who complain about today’s top-40 music, grunge fans (“the last great rock movement”), indie fans (“the last great rock movement”).
WE KNOW WE KNOW; JUST SHADDUP ABOUT IT AND MOVE OUT OF THE LEFT LANE. NEW YOHK IS WHY WE ARE DERTY.
Honorable Mentions: North Jersey, South Jersey, Central Jersey, Berks County
Ugh. Take solace JV bench players because in five years, you will be completely enamored with this fad. It’s almost worse than the minimalist movement that hit running. CrossFit is for people who think Tough Mudders aren’t “badass” enough. For those who think the word “spartan” can be interchanged in normal lexicon.