Ranking The Harry Potter Characters From Best To Worst

23 Sep

Another ranking of a thing I like.  The internet should have more ranks and lists.  I never see them online and it’s rather infuriating.

Criteria for this list is to be rather noteworthy in the books.  Since the canon is so long, it’s impossible to add and list every character but its my blog and my rules.  If you don’t like it, there’s multiple doors in your house that you can walk out of.

  1. Remus Lupin.  Lupin is the best character by far.  Okay, by kind of not that much.  He’s really a breath of fresh air and the last link Harry has to his father.  Kind of bullshit that he was the most “major” character to die (besides Voldemort spoiler alert…no, if you aren’t aware how they end right now then you shouldn’t be reading this) in the series.  I do kind of like though that the guy gets bitten by a werewolf, loses his job, can’t find a job, hangs out with werewolves to recruit (that literally sounds like the worst thing ever) and the ONE thing that sets him off is having a baby.  I was disappointed in Lupin being all deadbeat werewolf on his family, and if a fictional character makes you feel “disappointed” than they are the best.
  2. Hermione Granger.  I, as a straight white male am qualified to say this (we do know everything by the way), but I feel like Hermione inspired millions of girls to go to college.  That’s a good thing.  Harry needed some logical friends and instead he got one.  She was easily the most loyal to Harry too.
  3. Fred & George Weasley.  Killing Fred was the worst death in the series cause you figured out it was going to happen right before the sentence declared it.
  4. Sirius Black.  I hated 5th book Sirius.  I hated his death too.  He was much more fun as a rat-eating dog-man than as an emo sadsack in his Mom’s house.  But he was a great character and the letters to Sirius bits were one of the better parts of the books.
  5. Dolores Umbridge + Bellatrix Lestrange.  So purely evil.  Like Voldemort had a reason to I guess.  He was kinda messed up in the head and he was talented.  Those two?  No reason to be but just chose to be evil.  I support that.  I support self-aware hatred.  The world needs more of it.
  6. Voldemort.  The part where he was reborn definitely gave me nightmares.  Not really.  But it seemed like a profound thing to say.  Voldemort was a villain for the people.  He always ruined Finals week.  You know he’s terrifying and all but a few Hufflepuff students (because they suck at everything, this is proven) were probably like “thank god, we missed that History of Magic exam; #RIPCEDRICNEVERFORGET.
  7. Hedwig – I won’t forgive JK Rowling for killing Hedwig who did nothing wrong.
  8. Dobby – A true martyr.  House elves really do have it bad.  I like how its justified though “ahhh, they LOVE slavery”.  It’s pretty funny that Dobby tries to freelance house elf and no one wants him.  “SIR I WANTS FIVE GALLEONS A DAY”.  “Uhhh, I don’t need a house elf; you forget I’m magic and things are pretty easy to clean up when you are magical”.
  9. Luna Lovegood – So independent.  So free spirited.  So kind of crazy and definitely a 9/11 truther but not the bad kind the kind that is all like “evil lizards”.  How was she in Ravenclaw?
  10. Oliver Wood.  Underrated.  The dude was a maniac.  He would be the worst captain ever, but its nice to see that other people in the magical world don’t carry about ISIS and are more worried about Quidditch.  I mean, what’s funny is that there are only 4 teams in the conference and Slytherin is always guaranteed to lose because they are evil and no one wants them to win.  So you have a 1/3 shot at winning the House Cup.  Gotta like those odds.
  11. Draco Malfoy.  He was fun when he was a shitstain preppy rich kid.  Sucked as a villain.  I know that’s the point, but….c’mon son, toughen up.
  12. Rita Skeeter
  13. Minerva McGonagall.  She’s that teacher that you hate until ten years after you graduate and you go, “you know she taught us some things” and then wistfully wonder if she’s still alive and teaching.
  14. Peeves.  Oh that asshole, we’d get into a lot of trouble together.  Actually, I’d just be an anonymous student but I like to believe deep down that I’d be a third Weasley twin and we’d be popular and have fun in poverty.
  15. The Weasley Parents.  I like how much the books really make Molly Weasley batshit crazy.  There needs to be a BBC sitcom based off Molly just yelling at Fred for typical things like spending too much money, not cleaning after himself, sucking at his job; you know the usual.
  16. Ginny Weasley – She’s like every good part of every good Weasley brother (except Ron).
  17. Severus Snape.  It was so obvious that they were going to make a sympathetic figure.  It was “sweet” I guess, but don’t act like Snape totally wasn’t the wizarding version of those guys hacking into celebrity’s iClouds when he was a teen.
  18. Kingsley Shacklebolt.  Holy hell, did the movie versions make him a complete stereotype.  Why is he wearing a daishiki?  In the books, he was just normal stereotyped as a guy with a big hoop earring and a deep voice.  He went from Morgan Freeman to fucking Shaft.  J.K. Rowling needs a lesson in diversity.  “Lee Jackson, a boy with DREADS :WINK WINK:”.
  19. Albus Dumbledore.  Spent way too much time being vague and way too much time with Harry, obvious favoritism.  I know Harry kind of had an important job in vanquishing evil and that can’t be understated but there was way too much “you’re on your own pal”.  Ayn Rand Dumbledore.  I don’t get the “point system” of Hogwarts too.  Professor Sprout just gives Hermione points for raising her hand and Harry Potter saves the Sorceror’s Stone as an 11-year old (who every summer grows like 10 inches by the way, how tall is Harry?) and gets 50?
  20. Cornelius Fudge.  In real life, its aggravating when you have George W. Bush or Rob Ford.  In the books?  Its kinda silly and funny.  “Look at old bumblin’ Fudge not aware of anything”.  I like how he tells the Muggle Prime Minister “uhh, by the way; that evil guy who even MAGIC PEOPLE can’t defeat is back.  Totally wrong there, chap.  Real swing and miss on my part.  Good luck!”.
  21. Nearly Headless Nick.  OH MY GOD YOU AREN’T HEADLESS, ITS YOUR NICKNAME.  YOU CAN’T JOIN THE HEADLESS HUNT.  I like how the movie version totally forgets that subplot ever happened.  NHN was a dumbass.  It’s funny to think that pre-death he was just Nick.  “There’s Nick with his full head of hair.”  Boy did that sentence end up being too soon.
  22. Harry.  Kind of a dumbass.  I like how they made him basically the wizarding version of Tim Tebow.  “He looks bad but boy he just WINS I tell ya”.  Lame hero actually, he got lucky his Mom loved him I guess.  That’s really the whole series whittled down in one sentence “Mom loves boy, boy can’t die for a bit, beats evil”.
  23. Neville Longbottom – Again, it just….was predictable he’d become a savior of some kind.  I miss him getting shit on for kind of sucking as a human being overall.  Remember how they found out he was magic?  His uncle held him out of the window on his head and just…dropped him.  That’s HILARIOUS.
  24. Nagini – that snake is scary as shit.
  25. Hagrid – Fucking idiot.  Almost 90% of the bad things that happen all start with Hagrid fucking up.  Dumbledore made him a PROFESSOR.  He’s condescending for no reason.  “AY ‘ARRY, I SPEAK LIKE A PIRATE FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON.  IF YOU WANT TO CALM DOWN THIS FIRE DRAGON YOU JUST DO THIS :gives fire dragon a rectal exam:”.  I love how dumb everyone is by the way when they were like “oh, he’s part-giant?  I just thought he was 9 foot 1000”.
  26. Seamus Finnigan.  I guess we needed a stereotypical Irish guy in there.
  27. Ron Weasley – There’s a lot of things in this world that is terrible.  There’s constant chaos, we are in a state of permanent war, there really is nothing good going on in the world it seems like.  All of these things pale in comparison to the awfulness of Ronald Weasley.  There is not a single redeeming thing that Ron provided in the books.  He was a shitty student.  A shitty keeper.  A shitty friend (he ditches Harry like once per book ONCE BECAUSE HE WAS FUCKING HUNGRY).  Everything about Ron exudes toxic waste.  He’s a horrible human being.  The ONE good thing he does in the books is so hastily written and barely believable (in a book about magical teenagers) and its so obvious that J.K. Rowling through it in the air.  Ron Weasley OPENED THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS.  Think about that shit.  He just pretended to spit at it, and got a bunch of basilisk fangs.  How made up is that?  I wish Madame Pomfrey just let him you know…..”move on”…..so to speak.  No one wants him, no one needs him.  I loved when Harry got better presents from Ron’s parents than Ron did.  Just because, you know that Ron bitched about that for a week on his Tumblr.  You KNOW he has a Tumblr.
Advertisements

3 Responses to “Ranking The Harry Potter Characters From Best To Worst”

  1. torrent56 January 26, 2017 at 9:45 pm #

    “Ron Weasley – There’s a lot of things in this world that is terrible. There’s constant chaos, we are in a state of permanent war, there really is nothing good going on in the world it seems like. All of these things pale in comparison to the awfulness of Ronald Weasley.”

    Because you’re too delusional and militant to see his good side.

    “There is not a single redeeming thing that Ron provided in the books.”
    Yes this confirmed what I said. By the way then you went ahead and contradicted yourself by saving he actually did something good in the Chamber of Secrets. Oh gosh.

    “He was a shitty student”
    Getting mostly Es on his OWLs AND passing his end of year exams with goods marks makes him a shitty student? Lol that’s just pathetic.

    “A shitty keeper”
    When he helped to win the Quidditch cup for Gryffindor in OotP and all the Gryffindors was cheering about him.

    “A shitty friend (he ditches Harry like once per book ONCE BECAUSE HE WAS FUCKING HUNGRY).”
    He didn’t ditch Harry. Getting angry at someone isn’t the same as ditching someone, get your facts right. Also he didn’t leave in DH because he was hungry. He had legitimate reasons to leave. Try reading the book instead of being militant and delusional.

    “Everything about Ron exudes toxic waste. He’s a horrible human being. The ONE good thing he does in the books is so hastily written and barely believable (in a book about magical teenagers) and its so obvious that J.K. Rowling through it in the air. Ron Weasley OPENED THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS. Think about that shit. He just pretended to spit at it, and got a bunch of basilisk fangs. How made up is that? I wish Madame Pomfrey just let him you know…..”move on”…..so to speak.”
    Rowling wrote in the books, so it’s true and there’s nothing made up about that. You also forgot all the other heroic things he did in the books but it’s no surprises that you don’t remember them.

    “No one wants him, no one needs him.”
    Considering the fact that pretty much every good character in HP has shown a need and want of him, this is as stupid as it sounds. But hey, what do I expect from a delusional and militant Ron hater?

    “I loved when Harry got better presents from Ron’s parents than Ron did. Just because, you know that Ron bitched about that for a week on his Tumblr. You KNOW he has a Tumblr.”
    Good. It showed how immersed you are in your hate to know very much about the books.

    • joed5k January 27, 2017 at 8:44 pm #

      virgin.

      • torrent56 February 9, 2017 at 6:29 am #

        I told you exactly where you are wrong using evidence from the books and you had no response and instead tried to talk about something irrelevant. How about you try to refute what I said using evidence from the series? Could you do that?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: