Archive | October, 2014

The 5 Types of Guys You’ll See at the Urinal

29 Oct

We got another new columnist at Satirical Thoughts.  We will call him Dick Weiner and he might be dropping in a few posts from time-to-time.  Dick emailed me this article and I thought it would be great to run.  

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It’s something men experience everyday (No, not morning wood). The urge to pee.  A man must make the trek to the fabled office bathroom with a full bladder. Sure women experience this sensation of having to pee, as well, but I have no idea what women do once that bathroom door swings shut.  Men enter the bathroom with two rules; 1. Never say a word, a head nod may even be too much, and 2. Buffer Rule, always keep a urinal between you and the other pisser.  Despite these rules, there are a wide variety of personalities that you encounter draining their dragons.

The Pride and Joy

One hand on your main decision maker and the other on your hip, you want everyone to know that you’re proud of what you’re packing.  As you stand there releasing all the sweat from your liver, you let everyone see what you’re handling.  You step up to that urinal like Beyoncé ready to impress 100,000 fans with your fierce stream. This is your show buddy.  Meanwhile I am now forced to enact the two urinal buffer, so I am not forced to look at your disco stick spewing Redbull, Michelob Ultra, and appletinis (only cause you were trying to score with some sloots).

The Fireman

I grab that firehose of mine with two hands and aim for dear life. The Fireman guys like me, usually rush to the urinal as the threat of Poseidon’s wrath threatens.  We are filled with (along with a pressurized half gallon of sterile liquid) fear that you might not be able to wear these pants again later in the week.  When you pull out your personal ever ripe banana, you look for no surprises as you furiously aim into that blue urinal cake.  You don’t trust your “Goon for the Poon” as too many times has it had errant expulsions of fluids.  Meanwhile everyone else is judging you on your inability to control your spray gun.  They are also compelled to make sure you wash your hands as they spray back on both of your boobie holders reminds some of the Japanese tsunami of 2011.

The Rollercoaster

“Look MA NO HANDS!!!!!” I’m not entirely sure how these dudes do it, but they wiggle out their twizzler and let it do its own work.  The Rollercoasters are the guys that when caught cheating with a Snookie look-a-like, they blame it all on their little Cyclops having a mind of its own.  These are also the dudes that will break guy coded and talk, and they are likely to go full pants down as they stand there.   Meanwhile, when I see this guy I just throw on a poncho, sidle up to the urinal beside him, and listen to how he snorted coke off a stripper’s ass at 4 a.m.

Business Tryhard

You roll up to the urinal and, somehow, simultaneously whip out your phone and your Bob Barker Microphone. You stand proudly at that urinal in a pose worthy of a stock photo for multitasking.  The entire time you stand there pouring out some homemade lemonade, you’re eyes never leave your phone, and you make everyone else feel unproductive.  If you are between the ages of 26 and 41, you’re just checking on emails, your kid’s latest homework assignments, and messages from your wife on what she wants in a new dishwasher.  A Business Tryhard aged below 26 and above 42, is probably just sending snaps of their true money maker.  Meanwhile you just force me to leave and go up a floor cause I can’t risk being in a snap of your little pistol

Squatter

The king. You found a way to increase you’re paid for pooping time. You stroll into the lavatory with a mission.  You fool everyone as you enter your flush corner office, build a luxurious nest, and plop down for a five minute siesta. You my friend have mastered life, nothing can take you down, not even a hard 3 p.m. TPS report deadline, as you perch upon your version of the Iron Throne. Meanwhile nobody can tell if you are either in there squeezing out a redwood like Marshall from accounting, or if you’re in there letting the recycled air circulate around your extension cord.  Insults of “You sit to PEE!” roll off you, as you smile into the bliss that is extra “paid pooping time.”

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How To Write For Your Favorite Websites

28 Oct

To follow Satirical Thoughts, hit us up on Twitter (at nine followers now….one of our guys unfollowed us) and Facebook.  

The internet is a big place, like really big.  That might be an understatement of sorts but well, I couldn’t think of a better way to begin this post.  One of my many weaknesses is introducing myself.  On Tinder, I throw a casual “sup” and that’s basically the most success I ever have had introducing.

So now that we got that out of the way, I am here to talk to you about your favorite websites.  I’m talking about BuzzFeed, Upworthy, Thought Catalog, Gawker, Deadspin, Pitchfork, etc. Since I’m a frequent internet user (aka single, lonely, unemployed, self-hating), I’ve started to figure out and know the tendencies of what these sites publish.

Before we continue, the whole point of writing is to get people to read it.  I’m not really against clickbait, though I wouldn’t mind just giving the post a new title so you would read it.  “BOY MEETS WORLD, BACON AND THE THIGH GAP” would be something I guess could work. However, I hate all three of those things so I won’t resort to such things.

Anyway, here’s a quick field guide of how to write for your favorite websites.

BuzzFeed

  • Be aware that your entire audience is 2o-to-35 year olds who found Joey Gladstone’s humor on Full House to be cutting edge and funny.  So really anything to do with the 80s, 90s, early-00s (simpler times) or cheesy sitcoms that were not funny but people insist were (Friends) and you are good to go.
  • Be aware of how to make GIFS and if you can’t think of anything, you don’t have to write a single word.  People eat that shit up.
  • Also your audience is completely gullible and they fully believe that “20 funny test answers by eight-year olds” were actually made by children and not clearly by their parents.

Daily Currant

  • For people who were turned down by BuzzFeed and Upworthy.
  • Exclusively read the Onion and realize…..it just won’t ever be you.

Elite Daily

  • Ouch.

Deadspin

  • Gotta be a sports fan that has another interest outside of sports.  So if you are a big sports fan that happens to be a parent (and BOY those two things interact), microbreweries, 80s/90s rock music and/or profound social issues, bingo.
  • Criticize the institutions of things you like.  So if you are an NFL fan, make sure you say how much you hate the NFL.  If you like beer, make sure you mention how much you hate it.
  • Affinity for caps lock.
  • Aka this is how I write.

Gawker

  • Be prepared to write longform pieces on the inane to guns in America.
  • Shit on things that you don’t like but don’t be too current.  When someone asks what your favorite musician is, stick with Kendrick Lamar or Vampire Weekend.  It’s not hipster anymore to like them, but its still considered good taste.

Pitchfork

  • Write exclusive with a thesaurus.
  • Bemoan any artist and say its not as good as their landmark album.
  • Be a WASP-type person that says “old school” rap is the only rap you should listen to unless its Kendrick Lamar.

Post Grad Problems/Total Frat or Sorority Moves

  • Praise Ronald Reagan three times even if you are a liberal
  • Complain about the “everyone gets a trophy now” generation when you are 22
  • Dress solely like the Lands End catalog
  • Have a career, job, and Masters degree but talk about “how true” articles on not finding a job are

Thought Catalog

  • Like Beyonce.
  • Delete your Tumblr because you found a new home.
  • Be someone that while writing, takes a sip of their coffee and looks out the window while watching the rain and squint out for a few minutes.
  • Then smirk about that and allude to it in your post.

Upworthy

  • Capitalize on people who think somehow this generation of people is any worse than any other generation by instituting completely obvious titles.
  • Such as: “This child was crying outside, you will not believe what happens next”
  • What happens next is the child’s mother hugs him.
  • Be one of those people that says “the feels”.

Satirical Thoughts

  • No one will read your shit now matter how hard you true.
  • Oh the feels.

Ranking The 9/11 Conspiracy Theories

28 Oct

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There is nothing I love more than poking fun at the “concerned citizen brigade” that makes up the 9/11 truther movement**.  Of course people are free to believe in whatever they want, and they have that privilege, but nothing makes me laugh more than enraging the smug “WAKE UP SHEEPLE” who coincidentally follow the truth movement like a group of sheep.

Still, I’ve read up on the various conspiracy theories out of curiosity.  I’m a firm believer in the “official” (aka right) account of what happened on September 11th, but I’m mildly well-versed in what gets YouTube commenters up in arms on every single video that exists.

However, let’s just rank the 9/11 conspiracy theories.  I don’t care about physics, we are just going to attack them for the sake of attacking.  I am using Wikipedia, an unbiased source that you may have heard of.

1. Controlled Demolition

This is like the mainstream, out-of-mainstream conspiracy that is endorsed by discredited engineers, professors and C-list celebrities who were once A-list until drugs.  Basically, the government somehow without anyone noticing, slipped explosives and thermite all over the World Trade Center complex and waited patiently for the day that a couple hijacked planes flew into the towers.  The World Trade Centers fell quickly and then you have that whole “jet fuel” argument that makes every dropout that watches YouTube clips feel like they are masters of science.

You’ll hear about “Building 7” as well which is like the hipster building in all of this.  “You know another building fell, betcha didn’t know that ORWELLORWELLORWELLSHEEP”.  For some reason the government demolished a building just to prove that it could for no reason I guess.  I guess there were important files in there that they couldn’t have moved into another building so they just decided to nuke it at 6pm.  Makes sense.

2. Flight 93 Shot Down

3. Pentagon Hit By A Missile

Apparently no one in the D.C. Metro Area (which is famously never travelled and never has any traffic nearby) noticed a heat-seeking missile hitting the Pentagon and the government took the time to relocate the plane “accused” of it, then destroyed it.  Then secret government agents (who are reptiles by the way, INFOWARSDOTCOM) placed plane fuselage everywhere so no one would except the internet would know the truth.  All to go to Iraq three years later.

4. Israel

It takes a true anti-Semite to look at an attack by Islamic extremists into buildings in a country that seems to be more Christian/Catholic or non-religious….take a step back and go….”you know what…..had to be the Jews”.  Apparently a few people who were Jewish called off sick that day and Israel used a secret Jewish batcall to tell them to skip work.

5. No-Planes Theory

This is my favorite.  Look at the Wikipedia entry.

Some truth movement veterans have repeatedly refuted the “no-plane” claims. In fact, discussion of no-plane theories has been banned from certain conspiracy theory websites and advocates have sometimes been threatened with violence by posters at other conspiracy theory websites

I love how the conspiracy theorists draw the line.  It’s like when the UFC placed rules on its fights so they would be taken mainstream or when NASCAR disavowed cigarette sponsorships.

I should note that September 11th is one of the worst days in American history and should not be taken lightly.  I do feel the need to throw in this disclaimer because I remember how scared I was as a ten-year old that day.  I couldn’t even sleep at night and was genuinely afraid for a good few years afterwards of another attack happening.  I could not imagine what it was like to be connected to the epicenter of that and thirteen years later, it still seems hard to fathom.

**I love a lot more things than that actually.  I like Netflix, the Phillies, running, coaching, Taco Bell, Anna Kendrick, the Strokes, etc. a lot more than that.  Oh and my family.

Ten Songs I’m Ashamed I Once Liked

25 Oct

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Today while cleaning out my room for a good ole’ fashioned garage sale (we sold one thing by the way, a Limp Bizkit CD), I found some old relics from my preteen-to-early teen years.  You know things that are important to a growing boy’s voyage into manhood like Penthouse issues, family members autopsy reports and Jim Thome Phillies jerseys.

I knew that some of this shit needed to be sold ASAP but I had a bit of a nostalgia trip.  This of course got me to thinking about what I loved and hated about being a 7th-to-9th grader.  Like a fine wine, some memories end up getting better while like a unrefridgerated Four Loko; some get way worse.

I thought about my music tastes back then and I decided that I have to come clean on some things.  I’m very open-minded when it comes to music.  I’m down with Vampire Weekend, Ke$ha, Katy Perry, New Order, the Strokes, David Bowie, Television and ‘Ye.  I’m part-wannabe hipster, part-douche, part-WASP.  So really just full douche.  At times though, I do tend to have a “holier than ‘thou” attitude regarding other people’s music tastes.  If someone tries to combat me, I make sure they don’t get a word in edgewise and just start yelling so they stop.  I never lose arguments.

But I gotta get some things off of my chest.  The songs that are about to be listed aged worse than (you know what too easy saying Renee Zellweger) hmm…., Whose Line Is It Anyway episodes.

I’m not going to link these songs to YouTube clips because fuck that. I’m just going to admit this flat out.

10. Good Charlotte – The Anthem

I was a big Good Charlotte fan in 6th grade.  Huge actually.  I think when you went on my MySpace page, The Young and the Hopeless immediately blasted while your screen froze waiting for the page to load.  I did a project on them even.

Good Charlotte was perfect for me.  They wore mascara and nothing but black clothing, however they sang pop songs so I didn’t have to worry about dressing that way to fit in.  Good Charlotte was punk for kids whose mothers bought them polos and cargo pants that zipped off into shorts.  Popular enough to not be a weird kid for liking them (for some reason there’s always a 12-year old who loves the Misfits) but “edgy” enough to say “I don’t listen to solo pop stars”.

However, just as I got into them; I got bored.  I was getting closer to high school age, and wasn’t as angst-y (or wannabe angsty) anymore.  I just had no friends which I was cool with (laughs while unfriending people who won’t notice).  Anyway, this song just sounds so cheesy when you consider the turn Good Charlotte took.  “I don’t wanna be youuu”, :proceeds to date Hilary Duff underage then Nicole Ritchie:.  I cringe listening to this, I only keep it on my iTunes as a reminder that life can be worse.

9. Duran Duran – Hungry Like The Wolf

For some reason I loved this song.  I never watched American Idol, but I heard a cover by David Cook and loved this song so much I DOWNLOADED THAT too.  I do enjoy cheesy 80s songs, but this one just sounds so….bad.

The reason why this is on the list too is because frankly, I still listen to this on the rare occasion.  If you love Hot Fuss by the Killers, as I do, then you almost have to appreciate this.  But anyone who claims to say that this is a great song (“better than the shit the radio plays today”) would’ve HATED this song when it came out and called it “typical mainstream shit”.  I hate people like that.

8. Aerosmith – Cryin’

I’ve grown to really hate Aerosmith.  Aerosmith seems like a bad parody of “Dad Rock” and Steven Tyler dresses like a guy who Googled “How To Be A Rock Star” and mixed it with “How To Look Like A Transylvanian Sex Offender”.  He’s the junior varsity crossbreed of Mick Jagger and gym teachers who play Rock Band.

Anyway, this song was big on my playlist and one point and the Limewire version I downloaded was about as quiet as a drone attack (author’s note:  I don’t know if they are quiet or loud so let’s just say that my version is fucking loud).  It’s a cheesy rock ballad with a big guitar solo that is supposed to make this song sound good.  I can picture a Dad just going to his too-old to be driving around together to the supermarket son “this part just SHREDS”.

7. blink-182 – Adam’s Song

I LOVED blink-182 until the last year or so when I just felt like I outgrew them.  Don’t get me wrong, Dammit and What’s My Age Again are some of my favorite songs and I still love Feelin’ This.  I’m not going to pretend I never listen to them because they are still important to me.

One song that got old quick though is Adam’s Song.  It’s subject matter is sad, yes I can’t deny that, but there are some horrific lines in this.  “Remember the time that I spilled the cup of apple juice in the hall” which is just fucking stupid until the whole “please tell Mom this is not her fault” makes you feel horrible for hating it.

Adam’s Song had to be the result of the record label going, “okay guys getting a little too old for diarrhea and streaking; be a little bit deeper” and Mark Hoppus thinking its either talk about getting drunk or teenage suicide.  I love Mark Hoppus, who might appear later on this list, but this is something we could’ve done without.

6. Busted – What I Go To School For

For reasons I’ll never figure out, I got into the old Jonas Brothers/blink-182 copycat boyband Busted from Britain.  I can’t explain how, in 2009 of all years, I stumbled upon them but I listened to that shit daily.  Some songs are legitimate catchy earworms, everything else is “you are 17 and should not be listening to music associated with 10-year old girls”.

I guess I just thought since I was the only one who listened to them or heard of them, I was cooler.  I can’t tell you why I did the things I do.

5. Paul McCartney – Wonderful Christmastime

This was my favorite Christmas song growing up.  Now each year, I hate it more and more.  I love synths, I am actually OK with Christmas music as since I’m an atheist; that’s what the holiday means to me.  I’m aware how little sense that made.  I just wanted to tell you that I NEVER PUT CHRIST IN CHRISTMAS.

Anyway, I love the Beatles but it was either this song or Imagine and I’ve already discussed how much I hate Imagine.  Christmas songs, much like soundtrack songs and novelty ones; should never be included but I find this to be a disservice to Sir Paul.  It’s chorus is mind-blowingly annoying and its devoid of any charm.  I don’t care if you make a Christmas song, I think everyone should (even Jewish artists) but why does the backing synths sound like they were copy and pasted at the last minute?

4. The Police – Every Breath You Take

For some reason people are still whipping out the whole “YOU KNOW ITS ABOUT A STALKER” fun fact like no one in the fucking world doesn’t know that.  In twenty years, someone will hear Pumped Up Kicks and go “ya know, its about a school shooting listen to the lyrics”. Some people should self-immolate.

I’m not sure how I feel about The Police.  I think they are cool in a way, even if Sting tries to turn every song into an extended hiccup, but I loved this song, now I hate it.  I’m ashamed that this was legally downloaded and used in school projects.  Its just not good.  I’m surprised people thought this was a love song because these lyrics aren’t exactly metaphorical.  It’s pretty cut and dry what Sting is singing about.

It also gave us Puffy rapping over it.

3. Journey – Don’t Stop Believin’

Obvious choice.  Again though, its not the fact that everyone knows this song that kills me its how much I loved it.  Songs like this are solely made for television finales and the last song at the bar before I go home alone.  Everyone sings it, and then you don’t hear it again.

But I played the shit out of this song.  No excuses.

2. Neil Diamond – Sweet Caroline

Holy shit, I played this song way too much on my iTunes.  This is in the same boat as Don’t Stop Believin’ and this is almost worse.  This song sucks.  It is about a three-year old Caroline Kennedy.  It’s made by Neil Diamond.  Boston LOVES this song.

That’s a lethal combination.  Boston should not like anything that I like except Rob Gronkowski and the Kennedy family.  I even hate Mark Wahlberg, and I wasn’t even sure he was from Boston; it just sounded like someone with a Boston accent trying to pronounce Mac Walker. I know now this.  Neil Diamond is a shitty version of everyone from Elvis to Tom Petty to Billie Joel to anyone.  He’s horrible.  You should not like him.  If you are over 50, get back into the Grateful Dead or Jimmy Buffet.  Neil Diamond is totally stuck in the character of Neil Diamond by the way.  I bet he BELIEVES he’s Neil Diamond.

But I played this song, yelled BAH BAH BAH by myself in my room and clicked repeat.  Joke is on me.

1. Kanye West – Gold Digger

I respect that Kanye is proud of his early work.  But every time I hear it, I just think of popped collars and the sagging cargo pants fad.  I think of skateboarding and the word “mad” as a synonym for “very”.

Gold Digger was the perfect “first real rap song I bought” for a guy like me.  But since I’m a dumbass, I genuinely thought that the lyric was “broke a broke”.  When I first found out that it wasn’t, I quickly took my headphones off and looked around on the track team bus to make sure no one heard that word.  I was convinced I was breaking some suburban rule.

Kanye West has ventured into such cool shit the past six years, that anyone who says “I only listen to his old stuff” are people who think its funny to share the whole “Kim Kardashian has been married to more people than people who died of Ebola” meme.  Then pretend they don’t know who the Kardashians are.  If you can actually listen to College Dropout or Late Registration in entirety; then you need to buy Yeezus and lock yourself into a room for 48 hours.

Also, artists trying to parody current pop culture are always about three months too late.

 

Angry Suburban Conservative: When Do We Blame Obama For Ebola?

15 Oct

We have a new weekly column.  Since I’m an equal rights kinda guy, I decided to let Angry Suburban Conservative write some hardcore editorials for our website.  He’s PISSED and he wants to write in to the editor on why we should really start blaming the right people for the wrong issues.  

To follow Satirical Thoughts, hit us up on Twitter (almost at TEN followers now, watch out Oran Juice Jones) and Facebook.  

 

Hello-

I’m pissed.  Another day passes and another Ebola story hits the print.  I’m a concerned citizen and I’m sick (not with Ebola by the way) and tired (not from Ebola by the way) of not having my voice heard.  Enough is enough and while I will still comment on my local news channel’s Facebook page on how they are biased and liberal for not once mentioning Benghazi yesterday (wake up America), I need a column to voice my anger.

Ugh.  Ebola.  In case you missed it, our President in the middle of a campaign strategy and to probably promote Hillary Clinton in 2016; introduced Ebola to alarm the public.  He is doing this because there’s nothing that make people more alarmed than death.  Do you REALLY find it a coincidence that all American patients are being taken to American hospitals in red states only?  That’s right in Georgia and Texas.

I’m a proud Republican, okay.  But even I can admit when we are being targeted for our political beliefs.  The media freaks out when unarmed teenagers get shot and killed but when I express my free speech (protected by the First Amendment), I’m suddenly “a bigot” or “an extremist”.

Let’s look at it this way.  Over the past month and a half or so, an African-based menace has stormed our seas and made us sick to our stomachs.  Doesn’t that sound like someone you and I both know?  I won’t name names, because Hussein Obama isn’t worthy of being mentioned by name, but c’mon…

First there was ACORN which made a mockery of our voting system.  Then there was Benghazi which will be taught years from now as the biggest conspiracy to hit this country and we deserve reparations for that by the way.  Then there is the Benghazi cover-up.  Then there’s “feminism” which don’t get me wrong, I LOVE WOMEN like a lot you can’t even measure it, but how is that more important than the government enforcing the Muslim doctrine on us.

Our country doesn’t need “change”.  If Obama cares so much about Ebola, how come he doesn’t go over there and fight it?  You can’t say I’m wrong there because he hasn’t.

We need a new leader.  We need Ronald Reagan.

-till next week.

Adolf Hitler on Breaking Bad – Part 1

15 Oct

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Good afternoon everybody, if you are on the East Coast watch out for these thunderstorms and tornadoes (insert joke on how Congress doesn’t do anything).  For the rest of you, I’m sure you heard the news that the U.S. thought Hitler was on crystal meth during World War II.

I don’t know about you guys, but to me that sounds like a good Breaking Bad plotline.

:banjoes start playing to signify beginning of episode:

(Walt and Jesse are crashing at Skinny Pete’s house.  Badger is there too.  Skinny Pete and Badger are playing Battleship while Jesse is acting all quiet and Walt is sweating profusely because Skyler just kicked him out again.  Hank still doesn’t know Walt is Heisenberg so he still calls him “douchebag” but in that “oh you’re still my friend, but it’s just tough love because we’re man” in way.  But Walt has nowhere to go because Saul is coaching a peewee soccer team that his law firm sponsors).

Walt:  (whispers) “Jesse….Jesse….we NEED to cook again; we have to make moves or Hank will figure us out.”

Jesse: (whispers but kinda loud): “Mistuh White, we will.  But we just gotta do this first…it’s called….keeping up appearances..bitch.

Walt: “Jesse, you aren’t even trying anymore.  You can’t just inject a bitch anywhere you want.  I know its some “street level” catchphrase but remember, I’m the one who knocks”.

Jesse: (picks up blade of grass and chews on it because he knows Walt’s right)

(at this point, Walt’s phone starts ringing.  His ringtone is “The Boys Are Back In Town” by Thin Lizzy because that’s what him and Jesse sung when they worked with Vamonos Pest.  It’s Lydia.  Everyone including Badger sighs).

Lydia: (who at this point is just snorting Stevia) “Walter.  Good news. The Czechs love our….”

Walt: “MY! There is no “OURS” (Walt is at the point in the series where he’s kind of selfish and a dick).

Lydia: “product.  However, Todd’s Uncle Jack has a new connection that he swears will make us multi-multi-millionaires.  We are talking about a serious, long-term professional relationship with a group that has stable leadership.  They’ve kind of been, how do I say this, “expanding” their empire but understand our…”

Walt: “MY”

Lydia: “expertise.  I have another barrel of methylamine that has YOUR”

Walt: “OUR.  You listen here, me and Jesse are partners!”

(Jesse smiles and looks up to the ceiling with slightly watery eyes.  He likes when Walt says that because even though a few 13-year olds have been killed; he just wants acceptance from Walt.  He’s excited to show him his new idea, a Livestrong bracelet that says “Mister White”)

Lydia: “really?  But yes, fine, it has your names on it.  Our new partner will be on Skype by the way at 4:00pm our time.  His username is “Half_Stache”.  Please do not mess this up, or we will all probably be dead.

(Lydia hangs up and the camera briefly pans to her for a few seconds.  She’s in a random factory for reasons that we aren’t told as viewers but we just assume that is what she is doing.  Todd is about fifteen feet away from her staring and blinking at her while sipping a NOS energy drink.  Lydia tries to smile but it comes across as a “STOP STARING AT ME!” before she storms out.)

Uncle Jack: “BOOM FRIEND-ZONED” (proceeds to put Todd in a joking headlock that symbolizes that he still cares for him)

(The screen cuts to Jesse and Walt who leaves Skinny Pete’s and Badger’s house and starts sprinting to Jesse’s Ford Pinto)

Walt: “Jesse, WE GOT TO MOVE”

Jesse: “Well call Saul!”

Walt: “Good point!” (opens flip phone, gets the number wrong the first time but then goes to contacts and clicks “Good Saulman”, a name he made up so Skyler wouldn’t know)

Saul: “Oh great, you two again.  What could you possibly want?  We lost to the DEA 3-1, tell you what; wonder what happened to the Pollos Hermanos team?”

Walt: “Saul.  Listen to me.  We have a new connection.  A “Half_Stache” that knows one of the characters that you never really meet is introducing us to.  What do we do?”

Saul: “Well, I’m off to Honduras.  Later”

Walt: “DAMMIT”.

(music intensifies)

(Jesse and Walt pull into A-1 Car Wash but there is a basement with a computer lab that needs to be rebooted first and then they can download Skype, as they pull in; the screen cuts to Hank and Marie having one of their non-romantic moments)

Hank:  (looks at a swastika, looks at Hitler and repeats that a few times) “Hmm…..” (oddly there’s still a picture of Krazy-8 Molina there)

Marie: “Oh Hank, are you looking at your criminals again?  How about you join me for some dinner”

Hank: “Jesus Christ Marie, they are Nazis”

Marie: (blinks quickly) (takes out an A-1 car magnet that she “found” and puts it on the fridge)

Hank: “Sorry hun.  I’m just really confused here.  Gomie has no idea because heh heh, this isn’t a cartel case so its not his people.  But I just can’t figure out who this guy really is.”

Marie: “You work too much. C’mon, I have some rigatoni.  The prices were so low that I could’ve sworn I stole it.”

Hank: “Hmm……”

(screen cuts to Hitler who shocks the audience because we just figured that Uncle Jack knew another Neo-Nazi.  We didn’t expect to see Adolf Hitler at all in this series and you have to admit, they keep us on our toes.  Hitler is pissed because, I mean…he’s Hitler and on crystal meth “spoiler alert”).

Hitler: “DIETZ AND WATSON!” (Dietz and Watson are Hitler’s version of Skinny Pete and Badger, Dietz is 6’5 but dumb and Watson is 5’5 and sarcastic.  They compliment each other well and fans of the show think they should have a spinoff…also we are assuming they all have perfect English.)

Dietz: “HAIL HITLER”

Watson: “Ya big lug, it’s HEIL.  Not HAIL.  I tell you what Hits, I swear Dietz is related to Chamberlain.”

Hitler:  (even though pissed, still frowns a bit and shakes his head in agreement) “We need the crystal…since we occupied the Czechs, the supply has run out.  I heard there’s a guy in America named Heisenberg (sounds like a guy who I wouldn’t trust by the way) but some uptight broad (Hitler still speaks like he’s in the 1940s) told me to Skype him”

Dietz: “Duhh…Skype him?”

Watson: “Ya big lug, well what do you want us to do?”

Hitler: “I don’t know.”

(Screen cuts to black with banjoes playing)

“What will happen next?  Find out next weekend on Breaking Bad”

Your Major Sucks: Psychology

14 Oct

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A couple of years (or a year ago?) I started a series on why your major sucks and then I would just decide to tear it apart and make you hate me.  Then I stopped because I have the dedication and patience of Floyd Mayweather reading Fahrenheit 451 (has anyone on the internet made a joke about Mayweather’s illiteracy yet because I haven’t heard it yet) during Banned Book Week.

But I thought, well I’m doing nothing with my life but watching reruns of laugh track sitcoms and looking at jobs on Indeed that won’t hire me so might as well try to make myself laugh.  That’s the joke I make so people don’t feel bad when they read this and I can just reply with “haha, I don’t care if you don’t find it funny; I do!”.

Without much more else to say, here’s why psychology sucks.

Psychology 

Typical Psychology Major:  A person who was forced by their advisor to sign up for a major because they couldn’t still be undeclared or someone who is on their second of three majors.

What They’ll Say They Do:  “Uhh…well, uhh….I guess it would be cool to help people.  I’m not sure how long I’ll be in it though”

Their Future Profession (According To Them):  “Ugh, I think I will wait to figure that out later on.  I’d really really really like to do something with children….or adults….or drug addicts….or straight, white, male Republicans”

Their Likely Profession:  Getting the first job they get accepted at.  The minute they get that job offer, regardless if its behind a table or under a table; they are accepting that shit and getting the hell out of town.

Why Psychology Sucks:  Psychology is one of those majors that you need more than a Bachelor’s in to really get in the door.  It sounds like a noble major because well, you are helping people; but its really done so students can just say that they are doing something in college as they graduate with a 3.0 (like me) and convince their parents half-heartedly that they might get their Masters (they won’t) or just see “where this major takes them”.

Why Psychology Doesn’t Suck:  If you make it, you are doing a good thing.  The brain is complicated as fuck (which is ironic considering how simple so many of the students are, that’s a pretty good point I must admit) and you are going to be dealing with a wide array of people’s issues.  Oh wait, isn’t that psychiatry?  Is there a difference?  All I know about psych is Frasier Crane.

Typical Response To Why Their Major Sucks:  “Yeah, good point” :changes major to Business: