Taking A Look At Your Facebook Timeline

7 Oct

We are on Facebook now.  Like me at Satirical Thoughts and follow us on Twitter.

I’ve stated this several times before but there is no bigger cess pool of circle jerking than your Facebook timeline.

Facebook hasn’t exactly “changed the game” so to speak, it just has given a medium for people to speak to like-minded invalids. Of course, I use Facebook by the way so I’m a hypocrite but I just call people I don’t like “invalids” because even though I’m unemployed, I’m better than them.

However, I just found a tool online that can make fake Facebook statuses. So now I can visually show you, about 90% of your timelines right now. So sit back, enjoy and admit this is mildly true.

The Wussification Of America

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This person likely has a pickup truck in their profile.  They tend to be the future “Some College” checkmark on every employment application (though the joke is on me for being $75k in debt with no employment prospects) and for the most part have well-intentioned beliefs but are usually so far off course that it’s almost embarrassing that the internet is free.

This person will likely share memes from prestigious and accurate sources such as Conservative Daily or Right Wing Memes.  They ignore the fact that you know, in the “good ole days”; the world still kinda sucked and it was politically correct.  Remember a certain rock star the TV stations only filmed from the waist up?

Your Ex Teacher Who Loves Personality Quizzes

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Oh man those personality quizzes.  I thought we ditched that shit with MySpace?  It’s a mixed bag between the people who do these things. It’s either the person who was kind of classmates with you in high school but you are afraid to unfriend them because they occasionally like your statuses OR the former teacher that you liked a lot.

Early Morning Bible Verse

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How the hell are these people up so early?  I have no issues with religion anymore.  When I was younger I thought it’d be cool to be like Bill Maher and then I realized it’s kind of douche-y to judge people for their beliefs and lifestyles.  These statuses get the most likes because dammit even as an atheist, they are just so earnest and happy that even I click like.  Keep on keeping on.

Oh and these statuses tend to unfortunately come after good moments in history that secret bigots hate.  DOMA, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, marriage equality, etc.

Diehard Sports Fan

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Got to love being on social media when the local team is on.  Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing in this world more agonizing than sports.  But your feed will always get clogged and it’s not like there’s anything not interesting on there because sometimes, well damn; they are right.


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:/.  Likely the only one that you’ll see on your feed.

Ron Paul Supporter

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They always come out of the woodworks.  9/11 always gets thrown around as well as corporate America and everything.  It’s the faction of people who give in to YouTube videos, comment on news stories about unrelated topics (always bringing it back to 9/11) and occasionally posts something noteworthy that you agree with.  You BARELY know this person.

Former Classmate Turned Teacher

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This is the type of status that separates you from child to adult.  The minute you start doing this, congratulations because you made it in this deep and cruel world and will soon be posting things like “I’m proud to be an alumni of Kutztown”.  I can’t wait to join you.

Guy Who Likely Runs Celebrity Parody Accounts

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There are people, desperate enough for cheap likes that they just make statuses off of retired internet jokes.  Look the world is a big place.  Nothing is original.  But don’t be corny.  Once you are past 15, you can’t be doing this in public.  Yet people always fall for these.


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There is a sort-of revolution that the can’t evens are starting and that’s ironically/not ironically (I don’t know how to use ironic in sentences) embracing “white girl IN YOGA PANTS PUMPKIN PATCH” stereotype that is based off them.  God I hate that.

Generational Warrior

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Each generation sucks but don’t bitch about social media on social media.  The world hasn’t changed as much as you think it is and you aren’t a profound intellectual.  You are just a bitter, sad person that will raise their children perfectly fine and they’ll be children and be shitheads and then 15 years later, they’ll complain about the next generation.  The cycle never ends.

Club Promoter

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This lasts two weeks before they get a new occupation.  These clubs are usually some guys attic with a cheap strobe light and Tap Out t shirts.

New Parent

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Babies are adorable though.

Well…..did I miss anything?  Usually people can be stereotyped pretty easily but it seems pretty obvious that every friend group is the same.  Since the term “friend” is open-ended, Facebook becomes a bit of a social commentary on who you know and who you regret knowing.


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