How To Have Success On Tinder

9 Oct

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By now you know that all the rage of the 18-30 year old age bracket (and up, but hopefully not below) is “Tinder” the dating app that you can use on your phone and/or iPad (sent from my iPad).

Now I gotta tell you, I’ve had more success than anyone with the ladies on Tinder.  I’ve got about 10 matches (only been using this app four hours a day for the past month, just think of what I can do by the end of the year) and believe me when I say that me and the ladies are quite fond of each other.

In fact, my profile picture exudes wealth apparently because about seven of these women said that they would be cool to hook up for like $100 an hour.  Ladies, ladies, ladies; I’d love to show you why I’m called Ebola (by everybody I know in my head) because once we exchange bodily fluids, you won’t be able to get rid of me.  However I’m 75,000 dollars in student loan debt (wouldn’t be a bad annual salary though right 😉 ) and “in-between jobs” (but I look a couple times per week on Indeed so it’s only a matter of time according to the Career Development Center).  Sorry, I can’t be Daddy Warbucks yet but if you need a Daddy Nutbusts, well…..

I’ve liked about 400-500 profiles on Tinder.  Given how particular ladies are, they probably only use Tinder in-between pumpkin patch selfies and Pretty Little Liars reruns so, they’ll eventually see me and get to know me.

But enough about me.  Actually more about me.  You are probably here because you need me.  So here’s a little guide.

“The Sports Fan”

People, a lot of women say they are sports fans.  This is good because women don’t watch sports as much as me, and I’ve always taken great pleasure in being a Professor to them.  So you have a willing student and since women are going to school more than men nowadays; they are naturals at learning from a smarter person.  The first thing you should tell them is “hey, I can teach you show you what a power play is”.  They’ll usually respond with “I already know what that means” and you say “well you can be shorthanded :insert wrist stroking emoji:”.

This is important because you are throwing yourself out there already.  It’s wise to send your phone number right after this so she knows that you really want sexual satisfaction right away.  The emoji means you have a silly side too.  Also, you used a couple of sports puns and just my opinion, that goes a long way.

If they rebuke you, then you can just say that I guess you aren’t a sports fan.  That means its their fault for implying that you are a some sexual maniac but instead were just implying that they need to work on their wrist shot.

Get To Know Them

Cool thing about Tinder, you get to see their interests and their first name.  All you need to know is “where ya from” and then you can probably look them up on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest (not that I have one), Tumblr and Google Maps.

The smartest thing you can do, just in my opinion, is add them all.  That means you are a serious guy and can be pretty flattering.  It’s no surprise that “Every Breath You Take” was a big hit.  It’s because women like to be followed and know people after talking for two seconds on a dating app.

They tell me “Rome wasn’t built in a day”, but aren’t I supposed to be the best I can be?  Hypocritical.  I can add you all on social media and you can like my statuses about how hard it is to find a job.

Discuss Serious Topics

Some women really like intelligent conversation.  To me there is nothing more intelligent than talking about serious issues.  Let her know that you think the Ravens were really smart for releasing Ray Rice after four months of debating if he was guilty or not, then seeing a video and making the really brave decision to cut him after public pressure.

Then you can have a first date (make sure you use AXE Apollo) and then just cut to the chase and ask her thoughts on Nagasaki and Hiroshima.  It shows you care about the world more than yourself which just my opinion is very noble.

Don’t Wait For Responses

I mean, you will leave them speechless.  Most people aren’t on Tinder for hookups, intelligent conversation, dating or fun.  They are on it to hear your opinions on the world.  Then sex.  So if they don’t respond right away, just keep going.  She’ll find her confidence (thanks to you you improved it) and jump into the pool when she’s ready.

Now For Women….

Look, I’m an equal opportunist.  You need advice too.  My recommendation is to swipe right for a good three full minutes after you set your preferences for 100 miles and set your things from 18 to 55+.  You’ll find a man that can talk to you about these subjects so you don’t.


You’re welcome.


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