Eddie Cheddar’s Top 40 Takedown: Taylor Swift – Shake It Off

10 Oct

We have another guest blogger who has chosen the option of remaining anonymous and I gave him the pseudonym Eddie Cheddar.  Eddie is not a fan of current pop music and has decided to take his talents to Satirical Thoughts and offer his opinions on some of the current hot hits of today.  This week’s takedown is “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift; a song this guy has on his iPod (come to homecoming in Kutztown Taylor!).  As always, follow us on Facebook and Twitter.  Take it away Eddie

To start things off, I’ll give you all a little information about myself.  I was asked by a friend of mine (editor’s note: that’s me!) to write a column about the most popular pop song in America at the time.  Now anyone who knows me knows just how much I hate current pop hits so I’m basically here to tell you all why that song that’s stuck in your head fucking sucks.  Because they all do.  Anyways let’s take a look at the first song I’ve been requested to listen to.

This week’s top pop song- “Shake It Off” 

Artist- Taylor Swift

Album- 1989

  • JESUS CHRIST NO!!!!  Anything but that.  Oh man I can’t believe the amount of untalented singing / brain damage I’m about to take just for you people.  Oh well let’s start this and try to get it over with as quick as possible.
  • :05 into the video- There is no way I am making it through this.  For some reason there is a bunch of ballerinas all stretching, BUT WAIT, is that Taylor Swift I see in the distance?
  • :06- YES IT IS!!!!  Right now every white girl just took a big sip of their pumpkin spiced latte.
  • :18- Taylor goes from being the lone rebel ballerina not doing what she is supposed to suddenly looking like she’s in a music video with Flavor Flav.
  • :22- Would you look at those sweet dance moves.
  • :23- That guy in the background does NOT look happy with T. Swift at all.
    Picture 35
  • :27- Back to the ballerinas again.
  • :38- Taylor Swift leading her crew of ballerinas with what I guess she assumes is sexy dance moves.  HIDE THE CHILDREN FROM THIS!!!
  • :45- “Cause the haters gonna hate, hate, hate on me”.  Wow I can tell how super creative and deep her music is.  Barf.  Little word of advice for T. Swift.  “If you have a lot of haters, then they’re not haters, they’re right”.- Daniel Tosh
  • :50- “I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake”.  What does shaking solve?  Come on.
  • 1:00- Back to ballerina style T. Swift.  Why can’t musicians just pick one outfit like they use to.  I personally think it’s because the music industry got secretly taken over by BIG FASHION (thanks Drew Magary for that!) years ago.  Anyway, continue.
  • 1:05- Now she is dressed like Lady Gaga.  What the hell now you have to steal other people’s clothes?
  • 1:10- More sweet dance moves from people in the background who shall remain nameless.
  • 1:12- T. Swift doing her best to pretend like she knows how to dance to disco music.
  • 1:16- Wow that guys arms turn into like snakes there for a second.
  • 1:30- Now she is dressed like a backup dancer on one of Nicki Minaj’s awful music videos.  And was that Julia Roberts from Pretty Women I just saw.  Because that lady looked exactly like her except much older.
    Picture 36
  • 1:35- There are currently 6 women in the background twerking and then T. Swift doing something in the middle.
  • 1:45- Now she’s finally back to wearing all black and playing music with her band.  By the way that band knows they are going nowhere with their careers.  I’m willing to bet they were a heavy metal band at one point but are now stuck doing this bullshit.  The music industry is a cruel world.
  • 1:51- Back to being a Flavor Flav add on for Taylor.
  • 2:01- Just straight up twerking at this point.  Is she even trying anymore at this point or has she given up already?
  • 2:04- And right back to Nicki Minaj clothing.
  • 2:10- Now for some reason she is crawling through a tunnel of twerking ladies looking completely shocked like she had no idea this was part of HER music video.
    Picture 39
  • 2:18-Oh now she’s a ribbon dancer.  So creative on her part.  SOMEBODY GET THIS DAMN WOMAN A GRAMMY ALREADY.
  • 2:26- Now she is singing in Monotone to somehow make her voice even more annoying than before.
  • 2:45- T. Swift just got thrown into the air dressed in a cheerleader’s uniform.  Is it wrong if I hope this happens to her?
  • 2:46- She didn’t.
  • 2:50- Now Taylor is hitting the ground with her hands.  I think she may have just finally lost it.  I’m willing to say she will end up in drug rehab at some point in her near future.
    Picture 38
  • 3:00- ONLY A MINUTE LEFT!!!  I can do this.
  • 3:05- Never mind.  I’m pausing the video to go down to the gun store and purchase a firearm.  After waiting the required days to get it I can put an end to myself and this awfulness.
  • Gun store is closed already.  I guess I’ll finish this video instead.
  • 3:12- Now everyone is shaking themselves.  Who could have seen that coming?
  • 3:15- Swift dancing with some random guy.  HUSSY
    Picture 37
  • 3:26-Just realize that they have a person of every race dancing with T. Swift.  That’s some good diversity for you.  I’LL TAKE BACK THE HUSSY STATEMEANT FOR NOW!!
  • 3:37- More random awful dancing.
  • 3:48- OH NO. T. Swift can’t hold the pose!
  • 3:50- OH it’s all good because she nodded to the camera.  Gotta love that dedication right there.
  • 4:00- Video is finally over thank god.

 

Here is the section where I will play you a song that came out in the more recent years that I’m sure most people haven’t heard of.  It’s my way of being able to relax after having to listen to that music FOR YOU GOOD PEOPLE!!!

This week’s song- “Voices” by Alice In Chains (2013)

 

 

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