Adolf Hitler on Breaking Bad – Part 1

15 Oct

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Good afternoon everybody, if you are on the East Coast watch out for these thunderstorms and tornadoes (insert joke on how Congress doesn’t do anything).  For the rest of you, I’m sure you heard the news that the U.S. thought Hitler was on crystal meth during World War II.

I don’t know about you guys, but to me that sounds like a good Breaking Bad plotline.

:banjoes start playing to signify beginning of episode:

(Walt and Jesse are crashing at Skinny Pete’s house.  Badger is there too.  Skinny Pete and Badger are playing Battleship while Jesse is acting all quiet and Walt is sweating profusely because Skyler just kicked him out again.  Hank still doesn’t know Walt is Heisenberg so he still calls him “douchebag” but in that “oh you’re still my friend, but it’s just tough love because we’re man” in way.  But Walt has nowhere to go because Saul is coaching a peewee soccer team that his law firm sponsors).

Walt:  (whispers) “Jesse….Jesse….we NEED to cook again; we have to make moves or Hank will figure us out.”

Jesse: (whispers but kinda loud): “Mistuh White, we will.  But we just gotta do this first…it’s called….keeping up appearances..bitch.

Walt: “Jesse, you aren’t even trying anymore.  You can’t just inject a bitch anywhere you want.  I know its some “street level” catchphrase but remember, I’m the one who knocks”.

Jesse: (picks up blade of grass and chews on it because he knows Walt’s right)

(at this point, Walt’s phone starts ringing.  His ringtone is “The Boys Are Back In Town” by Thin Lizzy because that’s what him and Jesse sung when they worked with Vamonos Pest.  It’s Lydia.  Everyone including Badger sighs).

Lydia: (who at this point is just snorting Stevia) “Walter.  Good news. The Czechs love our….”

Walt: “MY! There is no “OURS” (Walt is at the point in the series where he’s kind of selfish and a dick).

Lydia: “product.  However, Todd’s Uncle Jack has a new connection that he swears will make us multi-multi-millionaires.  We are talking about a serious, long-term professional relationship with a group that has stable leadership.  They’ve kind of been, how do I say this, “expanding” their empire but understand our…”

Walt: “MY”

Lydia: “expertise.  I have another barrel of methylamine that has YOUR”

Walt: “OUR.  You listen here, me and Jesse are partners!”

(Jesse smiles and looks up to the ceiling with slightly watery eyes.  He likes when Walt says that because even though a few 13-year olds have been killed; he just wants acceptance from Walt.  He’s excited to show him his new idea, a Livestrong bracelet that says “Mister White”)

Lydia: “really?  But yes, fine, it has your names on it.  Our new partner will be on Skype by the way at 4:00pm our time.  His username is “Half_Stache”.  Please do not mess this up, or we will all probably be dead.

(Lydia hangs up and the camera briefly pans to her for a few seconds.  She’s in a random factory for reasons that we aren’t told as viewers but we just assume that is what she is doing.  Todd is about fifteen feet away from her staring and blinking at her while sipping a NOS energy drink.  Lydia tries to smile but it comes across as a “STOP STARING AT ME!” before she storms out.)

Uncle Jack: “BOOM FRIEND-ZONED” (proceeds to put Todd in a joking headlock that symbolizes that he still cares for him)

(The screen cuts to Jesse and Walt who leaves Skinny Pete’s and Badger’s house and starts sprinting to Jesse’s Ford Pinto)

Walt: “Jesse, WE GOT TO MOVE”

Jesse: “Well call Saul!”

Walt: “Good point!” (opens flip phone, gets the number wrong the first time but then goes to contacts and clicks “Good Saulman”, a name he made up so Skyler wouldn’t know)

Saul: “Oh great, you two again.  What could you possibly want?  We lost to the DEA 3-1, tell you what; wonder what happened to the Pollos Hermanos team?”

Walt: “Saul.  Listen to me.  We have a new connection.  A “Half_Stache” that knows one of the characters that you never really meet is introducing us to.  What do we do?”

Saul: “Well, I’m off to Honduras.  Later”

Walt: “DAMMIT”.

(music intensifies)

(Jesse and Walt pull into A-1 Car Wash but there is a basement with a computer lab that needs to be rebooted first and then they can download Skype, as they pull in; the screen cuts to Hank and Marie having one of their non-romantic moments)

Hank:  (looks at a swastika, looks at Hitler and repeats that a few times) “Hmm…..” (oddly there’s still a picture of Krazy-8 Molina there)

Marie: “Oh Hank, are you looking at your criminals again?  How about you join me for some dinner”

Hank: “Jesus Christ Marie, they are Nazis”

Marie: (blinks quickly) (takes out an A-1 car magnet that she “found” and puts it on the fridge)

Hank: “Sorry hun.  I’m just really confused here.  Gomie has no idea because heh heh, this isn’t a cartel case so its not his people.  But I just can’t figure out who this guy really is.”

Marie: “You work too much. C’mon, I have some rigatoni.  The prices were so low that I could’ve sworn I stole it.”

Hank: “Hmm……”

(screen cuts to Hitler who shocks the audience because we just figured that Uncle Jack knew another Neo-Nazi.  We didn’t expect to see Adolf Hitler at all in this series and you have to admit, they keep us on our toes.  Hitler is pissed because, I mean…he’s Hitler and on crystal meth “spoiler alert”).

Hitler: “DIETZ AND WATSON!” (Dietz and Watson are Hitler’s version of Skinny Pete and Badger, Dietz is 6’5 but dumb and Watson is 5’5 and sarcastic.  They compliment each other well and fans of the show think they should have a spinoff…also we are assuming they all have perfect English.)

Dietz: “HAIL HITLER”

Watson: “Ya big lug, it’s HEIL.  Not HAIL.  I tell you what Hits, I swear Dietz is related to Chamberlain.”

Hitler:  (even though pissed, still frowns a bit and shakes his head in agreement) “We need the crystal…since we occupied the Czechs, the supply has run out.  I heard there’s a guy in America named Heisenberg (sounds like a guy who I wouldn’t trust by the way) but some uptight broad (Hitler still speaks like he’s in the 1940s) told me to Skype him”

Dietz: “Duhh…Skype him?”

Watson: “Ya big lug, well what do you want us to do?”

Hitler: “I don’t know.”

(Screen cuts to black with banjoes playing)

“What will happen next?  Find out next weekend on Breaking Bad”

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