The internet is a big place, like really big. That might be an understatement of sorts but well, I couldn’t think of a better way to begin this post. One of my many weaknesses is introducing myself. On Tinder, I throw a casual “sup” and that’s basically the most success I ever have had introducing.
So now that we got that out of the way, I am here to talk to you about your favorite websites. I’m talking about BuzzFeed, Upworthy, Thought Catalog, Gawker, Deadspin, Pitchfork, etc. Since I’m a frequent internet user (aka single, lonely, unemployed, self-hating), I’ve started to figure out and know the tendencies of what these sites publish.
Before we continue, the whole point of writing is to get people to read it. I’m not really against clickbait, though I wouldn’t mind just giving the post a new title so you would read it. “BOY MEETS WORLD, BACON AND THE THIGH GAP” would be something I guess could work. However, I hate all three of those things so I won’t resort to such things.
Anyway, here’s a quick field guide of how to write for your favorite websites.
- Be aware that your entire audience is 2o-to-35 year olds who found Joey Gladstone’s humor on Full House to be cutting edge and funny. So really anything to do with the 80s, 90s, early-00s (simpler times) or cheesy sitcoms that were not funny but people insist were (Friends) and you are good to go.
- Be aware of how to make GIFS and if you can’t think of anything, you don’t have to write a single word. People eat that shit up.
- Also your audience is completely gullible and they fully believe that “20 funny test answers by eight-year olds” were actually made by children and not clearly by their parents.
- For people who were turned down by BuzzFeed and Upworthy.
- Exclusively read the Onion and realize…..it just won’t ever be you.
- Gotta be a sports fan that has another interest outside of sports. So if you are a big sports fan that happens to be a parent (and BOY those two things interact), microbreweries, 80s/90s rock music and/or profound social issues, bingo.
- Criticize the institutions of things you like. So if you are an NFL fan, make sure you say how much you hate the NFL. If you like beer, make sure you mention how much you hate it.
- Affinity for caps lock.
- Aka this is how I write.
- Be prepared to write longform pieces on the inane to guns in America.
- Shit on things that you don’t like but don’t be too current. When someone asks what your favorite musician is, stick with Kendrick Lamar or Vampire Weekend. It’s not hipster anymore to like them, but its still considered good taste.
- Write exclusive with a thesaurus.
- Bemoan any artist and say its not as good as their landmark album.
- Be a WASP-type person that says “old school” rap is the only rap you should listen to unless its Kendrick Lamar.
Post Grad Problems/Total Frat or Sorority Moves
- Praise Ronald Reagan three times even if you are a liberal
- Complain about the “everyone gets a trophy now” generation when you are 22
- Dress solely like the Lands End catalog
- Have a career, job, and Masters degree but talk about “how true” articles on not finding a job are
- Like Beyonce.
- Delete your Tumblr because you found a new home.
- Be someone that while writing, takes a sip of their coffee and looks out the window while watching the rain and squint out for a few minutes.
- Then smirk about that and allude to it in your post.
- Capitalize on people who think somehow this generation of people is any worse than any other generation by instituting completely obvious titles.
- Such as: “This child was crying outside, you will not believe what happens next”
- What happens next is the child’s mother hugs him.
- Be one of those people that says “the feels”.
- No one will read your shit now matter how hard you true.
- Oh the feels.