Ranking The 9/11 Conspiracy Theories

28 Oct

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There is nothing I love more than poking fun at the “concerned citizen brigade” that makes up the 9/11 truther movement**.  Of course people are free to believe in whatever they want, and they have that privilege, but nothing makes me laugh more than enraging the smug “WAKE UP SHEEPLE” who coincidentally follow the truth movement like a group of sheep.

Still, I’ve read up on the various conspiracy theories out of curiosity.  I’m a firm believer in the “official” (aka right) account of what happened on September 11th, but I’m mildly well-versed in what gets YouTube commenters up in arms on every single video that exists.

However, let’s just rank the 9/11 conspiracy theories.  I don’t care about physics, we are just going to attack them for the sake of attacking.  I am using Wikipedia, an unbiased source that you may have heard of.

1. Controlled Demolition

This is like the mainstream, out-of-mainstream conspiracy that is endorsed by discredited engineers, professors and C-list celebrities who were once A-list until drugs.  Basically, the government somehow without anyone noticing, slipped explosives and thermite all over the World Trade Center complex and waited patiently for the day that a couple hijacked planes flew into the towers.  The World Trade Centers fell quickly and then you have that whole “jet fuel” argument that makes every dropout that watches YouTube clips feel like they are masters of science.

You’ll hear about “Building 7” as well which is like the hipster building in all of this.  “You know another building fell, betcha didn’t know that ORWELLORWELLORWELLSHEEP”.  For some reason the government demolished a building just to prove that it could for no reason I guess.  I guess there were important files in there that they couldn’t have moved into another building so they just decided to nuke it at 6pm.  Makes sense.

2. Flight 93 Shot Down

3. Pentagon Hit By A Missile

Apparently no one in the D.C. Metro Area (which is famously never travelled and never has any traffic nearby) noticed a heat-seeking missile hitting the Pentagon and the government took the time to relocate the plane “accused” of it, then destroyed it.  Then secret government agents (who are reptiles by the way, INFOWARSDOTCOM) placed plane fuselage everywhere so no one would except the internet would know the truth.  All to go to Iraq three years later.

4. Israel

It takes a true anti-Semite to look at an attack by Islamic extremists into buildings in a country that seems to be more Christian/Catholic or non-religious….take a step back and go….”you know what…..had to be the Jews”.  Apparently a few people who were Jewish called off sick that day and Israel used a secret Jewish batcall to tell them to skip work.

5. No-Planes Theory

This is my favorite.  Look at the Wikipedia entry.

Some truth movement veterans have repeatedly refuted the “no-plane” claims. In fact, discussion of no-plane theories has been banned from certain conspiracy theory websites and advocates have sometimes been threatened with violence by posters at other conspiracy theory websites

I love how the conspiracy theorists draw the line.  It’s like when the UFC placed rules on its fights so they would be taken mainstream or when NASCAR disavowed cigarette sponsorships.

I should note that September 11th is one of the worst days in American history and should not be taken lightly.  I do feel the need to throw in this disclaimer because I remember how scared I was as a ten-year old that day.  I couldn’t even sleep at night and was genuinely afraid for a good few years afterwards of another attack happening.  I could not imagine what it was like to be connected to the epicenter of that and thirteen years later, it still seems hard to fathom.

**I love a lot more things than that actually.  I like Netflix, the Phillies, running, coaching, Taco Bell, Anna Kendrick, the Strokes, etc. a lot more than that.  Oh and my family.


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