Archive | November, 2014

Thanksgiving Football Drinking Game: Eagles V. Cowboys

27 Nov

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Whose ready for some turkey and stuffing, y’all?  Not me!  We are eating Domino’s Pizza tonight because hashtag poverty, but don’t worry; I will be looking at your Instagrammed food and secretly hating you whilst wishing I could be borrowed by your family for the evening.  Then I work from 10pm to 9am because if there’s anything Americans like, its kind-of-but-not-really marked down items.

So while you are favoriting tweets about people not understanding the phrase “dysfunctional family”, waiting for your grandparents to give their two cents about Ferguson and ironically Black Friday shopping (what does that even mean), you are going to want to drink.  Hell if I had any money, I’d be there already.

Another thing about Black Friday, I like how people go “Thanksgiving should be a time for families!”.  Hey, I’m all for taking down Corporate America, but let’s not romanticize this holiday.  Its based off the pilgrims taking a day off from genocide/raping.  Also by the time you eat, the holiday is over.  Its not like Christmas which has an Eve, a morning and a night.  Thanksgiving has a meal.  Once its over, you realize that you have to do this all over again in a month.  By noon each year, I realize how we need alcohol to get away from this not embrace it.

With that being said, ITS TIME FOR THE EAGLES AND COWBOYS.  If you are in either of the two markets for these two teams (from Allentown to Atlantic City for Philadelphia and the Cowboys being everywhere where people suck), you know that this is the second biggest rivalry behind Israel and Palestine.  Remember this is a football game.  A game where people cheer for debilitating mental illnesses.  A game that literally means nothing to us.  The Pee-Wee football game around the block (where Timmy gets his first concussion as his Dad tells him to toughen up while hiking up his waistband) literally matters the same.

But I’m watching and so are you.  For those who are drinking, don’t drive but drink more.

As always 1 drink = 1 sip.

1 Drink:

  • Joe Buck gets complained about on social media.
  • Troy Aikman demonstrates the importance of concussion testing by calling Mark Sanchez, Hugo Chavez.
  • Dez Bryant’s “character issues” are discussed.
  • Riley Cooper is shown on the sidelines sharing a meme on Facebook about looting.
  • Mark Sanchez takes a second or two coming up after a hard hit and the camera quickly pans to Matt Barkley’s head perking up like a dog whose master just walked in the door.
  • For no reason, they talk about Odell Beckham Jr’s catch.
  • “Man THIS OFFENSE IS FAST”

2 Drinks:

  • Turducken
  • Jason Witten and Brent Celek are discussed as “hard-working” or “blue collar”
  • Shot of a superfan just screaming even though we are going to commercial
  • Chip Kelly is seen smirking after doing something particularly clever like telling Riley Cooper that the Redskins are changing their name to “riley him up”.
  • The announcers do a weird bit talking about how thankful they are of one another.
  • “Buttfumble”.

3 Drinks:

  • Nick Foles is seen wearing a sling with all the Eagles players signatures on it.
  • Tony Romo throws into triple coverage even though the game just begun.
  • Darren Sproles is described as “Sneaky”.
  • LeSean McCoy “is just not having a Shady-type season”
  • Brandon Weeden signs up for Medicare at halftime.
  • Dan Bailey’s accuracy is referred to and then he misses a kick and its like “whoa, you don’t see that often!”

FINISH YOUR DRINK:

  • Someone runs onto the field
  • Jason Garrett gets pushed off the sidelines by Jerry Jones.
  • Someone is wearing a Cowboy hat but no uniform at the game.  They are just doing it because of Texas.
  • A player is outed.
  • Joe Buck tries to make a Kim Kardashian joke.
  • A small skirmish happens on the field and the announcers go “well these two teams are rivals”.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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6 Things Pope Francis Needs To Do When Visiting Philadelphia

18 Nov

Pope Francis is coming to Philadelphia!  This is pretty big news because we are all excited to see Frankie walking around Girard like he’s one of the guys.  But I got to tell you, Philadelphia is a lot bigger than Vatican City and the Pope is going to need a guide on what to do in the City of Brotherly Love.

I know ESPN is pretty stoked to embrace debate and ask the hot takes like “will they throw snowballs at him?”, “what’s his take on Mark Sanchez”, “is he an elite Pope yet?”.

I’m not a Catholic, though I guess I am addicted to cat photos so it kind of works, but here’s a well-wishers guide on how Pope Francis can call Philly, home.

1-Cheesesteak

It’s already a given that the Pope is going to eat a cheesesteak with Michael Nutter laughing right next to him like the Pope said a good joke.  He’s going to need to know what he wants though and I hope someone tells him, because the last thing I want is to be behind is an old guy asking for a menu at Geno’s.

2-Endorse Marriage Equality at LOVE Park

This is a gamechanger.  LOVE Park is perfect for people who get reminded that they took a photo with an ex there when they go on Timehop.  It’s also a good place to go to because he’s the Pope and embraces love over hate; which is a prerequisite.

Also this Pope is pretty famous for suggesting that gay people shouldn’t be stoned (not in the La’Veon Bell way) which IMO is progress.  But could you imagine if Pope Francis says FUCK IT (not literally) and said “go do it” at LOVE Park?

I can see it now “The Pope Went To LOVE Park — AND YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT” (he comes out as a 9/11 truther).

3-Throw Out The First Pitch At The Phillies Game

I’d be cool with a highlight of Pope Francis running a slant route but the NFL would probably squash that idea because it would offend people.

However, the Phillies could still end up trading Cole Hamels and I’m not confident in Jerome Williams or David Buchanan.  So this could be a try out.  Plus all the Dad Jokes could commence if the Pope misses the strike zone “he’s a holy roller”.

4-Visit Fishtown

Fishtown is an up-and-coming neighborhood and Pope Francis’s clothing wouldn’t look all that different from most people who eat at Kraftwerk or drink at the Barbary.  He’s a hip guy, right?

5-Visit the Yards Brewing Company

Yards Brewing Company has beers named after George Washington, Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson who debatably haven’t accomplished anything in a while.  We could use a “Pope Francis Pilsner” and though he’s foreign, it didn’t stop us from embracing British settlers who later become Americans (got to admit, that’s true).

We have a history of looking the other way when we like a foreign person.  Roger Federer, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Joey from Full House and Pope Francis are some prime examples.

6-Call Into WIP and talk about Philly Sports

Then he can use some of his well-known quips for some of the hottest issues in Philadelphia sports.  “Who am I to judge?” when discussing Mark Sanchez or Nick Foles would probably be the best one.  He could bless the Sixers just because and hang out with Cole Hamels for fashion advice.

See ya on the other side of the Delaware, Francis.

Monday Night Football Drinking Game: Steelers V. Titans

17 Nov

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Be safe, don’t drive and you’ll turn the TV off by the 3rd Quarter.

1 Drink:

  • Steelers referred to as “blue collared”
  • Dick LaBeau is referred to as a “defensive guru”
  • Ben Roethlisberger is mentioned as overcoming adversity like being alleged of sexual assault is hard to come back from.
  • LeBron James is mentioned for little to no reason.
  • Jon Gruden laughs really hard at a defensive player running with the football.

2 Drinks:

  • Chris Berman talks about Ferguson, Missouri.
  • “Selfie” is said.
  • Ben Roethlisberger is “sneaky fast”.
  • “Elite”
  • The Steelers defense is described as “tough”
  • La’Veon Bell smokes weed on the sidelines.

3 Drinks:

  • Well-timed shot of Ben Roethlisberger looking at the cheerleaders.
  • Todd Haley says a racial slur.
  • Mike Tirico laughs so hard at a Jon Gruden joke that you wonder if something happened like Gruden forgot to wear pants.

FINISH YOUR DRINK:

  • A player is outed by a sideline reporter.
  • Antonio Brown does a funny little dance.
  • Jon Gruden talks about fantasy football.
  • The guy from Sport Science explains sexual assault.

Enjoy.

Sunday Night Football Drinking Game: Colts v. Patriots

16 Nov

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Enjoy and safe drinking.  Drink = sip.

1 Drink:

  • Peyton Manning being mentioned as a rival to Tom Brady.
  • Rob Gronkowski is described as “fun-loving”.
  • Andrew Luck’s college GPA is mentioned.
  • Cris Collinsworth says “wait just a minute”
  • Bill Belichick is shown with his fingers inside the neck of his hoodie.
  • Tom Brady is described as “elite”.
  • Superfan shown.

2 Drinks:

  • Al Michaels refers to them accidentally as “Baltimore” Colts.
  • Camera shot of a player getting a concussion test.
  • RGIII gets hurt.
  • Cris Collinsworth is still licking his lips over Carrie Underwood.
  • “HOW LOUD ARE THESE FANS?”

3 Drinks:

  • Gisele is name dropped
  • Andrew Luck’s voice is talked about when doing hard counts.
  • Andrew Luck spawns into Gollum.
  • Player’s sexuality is openly questioned.
  • Reggie Wayne is described as a “class act”

Finish Your Drink:

  • Aaron Hernandez is awkwardly mentioned.
  • Andrew Luck is described as “sneaky fast”.
  • Tom Brady is described as “handsome”.
  • A player gets penalized for using inappropriate language.
  • Someone on your Facebook newsfeed complains about Kim Kardashian, like four days later.

No One Gives A Shit About Your Kim Kardashian Opinion (Except Me Clearly)

13 Nov

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Internet. Broken.

That’s a wrap folks as we saw a naked Kim Kardashian today as PASTE Magazine (real magazine by the way) decided to make her nude and the internet went bonkers.

There are two types of people in this world, and I hate both equally.  In one corner you have the Kardashian Krew (I was going to say “Klan” but I thought better of it) who will ironically (?) praise everything Kardashian does.  You’ll hear abbreviations of two syllable words like “she’s perf” or “she’s gorg” and shit like that.  Unnecessary abbreviations are one of my least favorite things that I never talk about.

We can call them enablers or we can call them trite (I have no idea if that’s the proper form of trite), like they are the people who ironically watch it even though they claim to be against everything commercial.  You’ll hear some half-ass shit like “its just so addicting” or “guilty pleasure!” which is just a tiring excuse to say when you are ashamed of liking something.

Like an hour-long TV show that is just one giant mix of product placement and scripted humor is somehow as addicting as like PCP (is that addicting?).  It also gives a reason for people like Scott Disick, who looks like Chase Utley if he decided to supply roofies to college aged males while selling used cars, a reason to exist.

Then there’s the other side of the page which will get my attention.

“You know, I just DON’T CARE”.

Holy shit that’s a hot and original take.  The heat off your opinion actually insulated half of the East Coast as they sit through a centimeter of snow.  My retinas burned off my eyeballs upon reading that.

Kim Kardashian is a celebrity because people have opinions on her.  Strong ones.  But you know what?  She’s not the first one.  Off the top of my head, here are some similar comparisons:

Jayne Mansfield, Zsa Zsa Gabor, The Situation, Paris Hilton, Glenn Beck, Donald Trump, John Wayne Bobbitt, Joey Buttafucco, Honey Boo Boo, John Rocker, Heidi and Spencer, Colin Cowherd….

These are all people who took an aspect of them and nuked it to death.  Some used sexuality.  Some used overall sleaziness.  Some used douchebaggery.  Some used wealth.  Some used thinly veiled racism.

It’s not a “people are so messed up TODAY”; it’s been a thing ever since human beings existed probably.  It’s like when people complain about Justin Bieber, like he’s the first little douchey pop star to kind of get annoying and then punchworthy.  Being against them or talking about some faux, pearl-clutching outrage because you want to make sure everyone knows how little you care by making a diatribe about how little you care….makes me care.

I know you make these posts that are equivalent to sharing photos that go “99% of people don’t care about orphaned children in the Sahara who only wear Crocs while wearing Ed Hardy clothing, but 1% of you will”.  It’s one giant circlejerk where you say “unpopular opinion” when in fact you are not going out on a limb at all.

Just picture Kim Kardashian as me.  You don’t read me.  I’m powerless.  Then I get desperate for attention and make shit like this.

The Lifespan Of A Pop Song

6 Nov

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Upon the release of 1989 by Taylor Swift, I see my timeline split in two.  One side, OH MY GOD!, the other side; “pshh, let me know when REAL music comes out”.

Both sides of this argument are horrifically annoying, but since all I do online is complain and beg for you to pay attention to me; I have no leg to stand on.  But nonetheless, as Shake It Off is officially about to be bumped off the radio for the next MegaSwift song; it’s time for a chart.

Well not a chart but my blog, my words.  If you don’t like it, hit the back button.

Here’s the lifespan of a pop song.

Release

The song is released with a front loaded, probably payola-aided release.  Usually radio stations do this bullshit where they go “let us know if you REALLY LIKE THIS NEW AMERICAN HI FI SONG” as if you have a choice of staving off the inevitable.  At this point, you will see friends on social media linking it and demanding you listen to it.

Surge

Now that everyone has heard it, radio really starts to pick up on it.  It takes like ten weeks apparently for a pop song to hit #1 which I find impossible but that’s the deal.  I have no facts to prove that, so you just are going to have to believe me on this one.  But now, even if you ignored the whole release party; you can somewhat sound out the melody.

On social media you will see statuses such as “just cleaned my room to Shake It Off!”.  You’ll hear it at parties and there will always be that weird mashup with an Iggy Azalea song that every college town bar plays.  I don’t know why that happens.

Viral

There will always be a viral lip sync to every popular song.  “HEY GET IT FRAT GUYS KNOW THE LYRICS TO LET IT GO!  ITS FUNNY BECAUSE ITS KIND OF NOT MASCULINE BUT THEY ARE MEN AND ARE REBUKING GENDER ROLES.”.  It’s always like….a D1 baseball or swimming team too.

Then Jimmy Fallon will dance to it on his show and do some weird bit with it that the Roots have to suffer through.

This is around the time the diehards start going “ugh this song is overplayed now!” and “I hate radio nowadays!” like radio is now all of a sudden overplaying songs.

Casual people like me start to appreciate this song at this point.

Weary

Everyone fucking hates everything about it.  This song is not played anymore.  No one references it anymore except people who are not up-to-date on things use it as “songs these days suck because there isn’t a guitar” or something.

Nostalgia

A few months later, and for the rest of your life, this song will be used in shitty segments like “THROWBACK JAMZ” and played when the alumni come down to college towns to relive the glory days; not like I ever do that.