The Riley Cooper / Mark Sanchez Sitcom You All Wanted

4 Nov

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With the recent injury of Philadelphia Eagles starting QB Nick Foles; America is finally getting their wish.  Mark Sanchez is BACK as an NFL starting quarterback.  This news tickles me in a good way.  I caved into public demand (aka my own thoughts) and wrote a pilot for a sitcom starring Sanchize and Riley Cooper.

Take it away.

{Theme song plays.  Its the instrumental of “Chicken Fried” by the Zac Brown Band but with latin-influenced drums.  This is supposed to signify the culture clash that is ongoing in the Eagles locker room.  By the way, this isn’t racist.}

:Scene begins with Nick Foles, of course played by Jon Heder, limping out of the locker room and talking to Chip Kelly (played by any small-town varsity football coach) and Riley Cooper (played by the lesser famous Hemsworth brother):

Nick Foles: “Coach Kelly, it’s not looking good.”

Chip Kelly: “Then stop looking mirror, how’s shoulder?” (to signify the fast-paced offense, Chip Kelly doesn’t use words like “the”…also Nick Foles isn’t good looking).

Foles: “Cracked.  Out six to eight weeks according to Adam Schefter of ESPN.”

Kelly: “whoplaysnow?”

{mariachi music plays}
{Connor Barwin turns it off}

Riley Cooper: “Ah puhlease nah.” (spits chewing tobacco in spitoon with President Obama’s face in the bottom)

Kelly: “easy. Riley. Remember. Goodell.”

Cooper: “Is dere any one else?  Don’ let me catch passes from that sombrero. I will fight ev’ry backup here bro. Isn’t Kafka still around?”

Kelly, Foles: “good question”

(Matt Barkley, portrayed by Aaron Carter, keeps trying to inch into view but the camera keeps zooming in so all you see is his right ear)

Kelly: (loosens elastic waistband on “khaki” pants) “got one choice”

Cooper: (who is wearing a sleeveless shirt with an American eagle’s face over an American flag) “AAGHHHHHH”

(Mark Sanchez comes in, portrayed by Taylor Lautner)

Mark Sanchez: “sup?”

Foles: “you’re in bud”

Cooper: “there goes another ‘murican job lost to some ferner”

Sanchez: “dude, I’m from Southern California”

Cooper: “that mig’t as well done be Ma-hee-co you librul”

Sanchez: “kinda racist.”

(Nick Foles does that thing where you take your wrist and tilt it from side to side to signify “maybe”)

Cooper: “listen uh-mee-go.  you throw. I catch. This ain’t masked wrasslin’ or cartel work. This is the ‘merican Football League.  You’all might come aroun’ these parts and steal our jobs and make men murry other men, but this is still the Eagles of America and Philadelphia”

Sanchez: (cockily smirks, takes off his shirt for no reason and gestures his girlfriend who is the oldest daughter on Modern Family)

Cooper: (puts piece of straw in his mouth) (takes it out) “STEALIN’ OUR WOMIN!  THAT’S IT!”

(a HUGE fight breaks out.  Like a little too much but the tension is high.  Cooper has tackled Sanchez.  DeMeco Ryans with a torn Achilles tendon just destroys Zac Ertz who was just walking across the middle of the locker room.  Barwin is Snapchatting the whole thing with commentary.  LeSean McCoy is busy running into the offensive lineman who are trying to break it up.  No one notices that Darren Sproles, by the way, is talking to Sanchez’s girlfriend and they go to Auntie Annie’s.  Kevin Hart is playing Darren Sproles).

Kelly: “BOYS THATS IT”

(the fight ends and the locker room is like cleared immediately)

Sanchez: “where’s Jenny?”

Cooper: “Jenny….I though’ she’d be more of a Selena”

Cody Parkey (played by himself): “Sproles took her out and….” (no one lets the kicker finish)

Cooper: “ahh….he stole my girlfrand too.  you know Sanchy Claus, you aint dat bad”

Sanchez: “thanks, Riley”

Cooper: “de nada”

(They share a laugh and make eye contact.  They slowly nod at each other to signify understanding)

Cooper: “les go win some football…not futbol”

(Montage occurs.  It is just nothing but play-action deep balls thrown between Sanchez and Cooper.  Seriously not a single play was run besides that for the rest of the montage.  Cooper makes sure to get both feet in bounds which is a diss towards DeSean Jackson that literally no one gets but him.)

Cooper: “Ya know….the rest of you should act like you”

(Episode fades to black)

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