6 Things Pope Francis Needs To Do When Visiting Philadelphia

18 Nov

Pope Francis is coming to Philadelphia!  This is pretty big news because we are all excited to see Frankie walking around Girard like he’s one of the guys.  But I got to tell you, Philadelphia is a lot bigger than Vatican City and the Pope is going to need a guide on what to do in the City of Brotherly Love.

I know ESPN is pretty stoked to embrace debate and ask the hot takes like “will they throw snowballs at him?”, “what’s his take on Mark Sanchez”, “is he an elite Pope yet?”.

I’m not a Catholic, though I guess I am addicted to cat photos so it kind of works, but here’s a well-wishers guide on how Pope Francis can call Philly, home.


It’s already a given that the Pope is going to eat a cheesesteak with Michael Nutter laughing right next to him like the Pope said a good joke.  He’s going to need to know what he wants though and I hope someone tells him, because the last thing I want is to be behind is an old guy asking for a menu at Geno’s.

2-Endorse Marriage Equality at LOVE Park

This is a gamechanger.  LOVE Park is perfect for people who get reminded that they took a photo with an ex there when they go on Timehop.  It’s also a good place to go to because he’s the Pope and embraces love over hate; which is a prerequisite.

Also this Pope is pretty famous for suggesting that gay people shouldn’t be stoned (not in the La’Veon Bell way) which IMO is progress.  But could you imagine if Pope Francis says FUCK IT (not literally) and said “go do it” at LOVE Park?

I can see it now “The Pope Went To LOVE Park — AND YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT” (he comes out as a 9/11 truther).

3-Throw Out The First Pitch At The Phillies Game

I’d be cool with a highlight of Pope Francis running a slant route but the NFL would probably squash that idea because it would offend people.

However, the Phillies could still end up trading Cole Hamels and I’m not confident in Jerome Williams or David Buchanan.  So this could be a try out.  Plus all the Dad Jokes could commence if the Pope misses the strike zone “he’s a holy roller”.

4-Visit Fishtown

Fishtown is an up-and-coming neighborhood and Pope Francis’s clothing wouldn’t look all that different from most people who eat at Kraftwerk or drink at the Barbary.  He’s a hip guy, right?

5-Visit the Yards Brewing Company

Yards Brewing Company has beers named after George Washington, Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson who debatably haven’t accomplished anything in a while.  We could use a “Pope Francis Pilsner” and though he’s foreign, it didn’t stop us from embracing British settlers who later become Americans (got to admit, that’s true).

We have a history of looking the other way when we like a foreign person.  Roger Federer, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Joey from Full House and Pope Francis are some prime examples.

6-Call Into WIP and talk about Philly Sports

Then he can use some of his well-known quips for some of the hottest issues in Philadelphia sports.  “Who am I to judge?” when discussing Mark Sanchez or Nick Foles would probably be the best one.  He could bless the Sixers just because and hang out with Cole Hamels for fashion advice.

See ya on the other side of the Delaware, Francis.


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