Archive | June, 2015

Why Your Presidential Candidate Sucks: Chris Christie

30 Jun

To follow Satirical Thoughts, hit us up on Twitter (thirteen followers, and I nearly know them all) and Facebook.  


You are probably reading this little section of the internet because you typed in “Chris Christie Sucks” or I begged you on social media to read it.  To my newcomers, please follow me on social media so you can join the gang of 13 (aka my followers who did it out of obligation) and we can laugh at the number 69 coming up in impromptu situations or GIFs of things.  Or DEEZ NUTS jokes which is my new thing.  BTW ever hear of Reese Eve?

But let’s get to the good stuff.  Chris Christie is fifty shades of not great, he’s a former champion mouth at the end of his career with nothing left to fight for.  He can’t possibly be elected anything else, as New Jersey’s blue hue essentially ruins any Senate bid so he’s running for President because well, why not.

I’m of course a partisan liberal, I must make amends clear but I make up for that by being alert.  Chris Christie running for President is a tiny bit more important than George Pataki’s need to feel important again or Donald Trump’s pretending.  He at one point looked to be a legitimate contender for the Republican nod and perhaps the White House until we realized one thing.

Chris Christie is a petty piece of shit.

See, there was a time at around the first year of the Obama administration (in which the economy wasn’t instantly raining millions on confused citizens who thought a new President would instantly whip out his wand — Bill Clinton wink emoji — and climate change would mean liquid gold) where we didn’t know shit.  This new guy in office was barely doing anything and his signature bill (healthcare reform as it was known) was looking dead in the water.

People were pissed, and by people, I mean specifically those who confidently listen to Kid Rock or think Cloyd Rivers has somehow “got a point on some things”.  Those who touch themselves to Cat Scratch Fever and whose ears flush with a gentle red flash and eyes light up when the word “gun” is said.  We called them the Tea Party.

Enter Chris Christie, a guy whose main schtick has always been “fiery” or “straight-talking”.  He picked fights with the media, the establishment, the teachers union, the bosses, the unions….really anyone who said “do you have any thoughts on CUPPA?” with the anger and simultaneous arousal of a college male who wonders why they are in the friend zone.  He was really never saying anything other than “its my way or the highway”….the problem is we didn’t know what that meant because we focused on the caricature.

Christie reminded my family, a lefty winged one for the record, as a family member from North of Monmouth County.  He did look and talk the part, and the Springsteen love made him relatable.  Then Hurricane Sandy came and Chris Christie’s “tell it like it is” persona became at odds with the far right….he “HUGGED OBAMA AND PROBABLY WILL BECOME KENYAN TOO”, the mouthbreaters erupted with the bottled up anger of the true story of Santa Claus that has been bubbling for two years.

But a political rock star was born.  He was New Jersey!  He didn’t care what party you are!  He just wants his state to be OK (and I do believe, in spite of all of this, the man does love his state more than most Governors) and BULLY what you think!

Then we realized, this guy is either a vindictive little shit who used his own people to get back at political rivals or had the ineptitude to not realize what was going underneath him.

Chris Christie is your friend who says they “tell it like it is” so they can use it as a hall pass when they say a false insulting thing.  He’s the guy whose ears turn red when he is slighted that she didn’t swipe right.  He is the most insecure guy in the gym who gets pissed at “selfie sticks” but shares numerous mirror shots.

And he will not be your next President.


Yes Caitlyn Jenner Is Brave

2 Jun

To follow Satirical Thoughts, hit us up on Twitter (thirteen followers, and I nearly know them all) and Facebook.  

Of course we all know about Caitlyn (nee Bruce) Jenner’s Vanity Fair cover and the ramifications of this culturally iconic moment.  While the trans community has received prominence with shows such as Amazon’s magnificent Transparent and the transitions of Chaz Bono and Against Me! frontwoman Laura Jane Grace, Caitlyn Jenner is in another realm.

This is a cultural icon, the person who made the Wheaties box a symbol of athletic prominence and one of the greatest American athletes in modern times.

But of course, the news of Caitlyn Jenner is somehow causing controversy with your friends from high school who endlessly moan about people’s welfare and who think intellectualism should be replaced with memes.  Yes, the same people who probably whine about “political correctness” and “everyone is so sensitive these days guys!!!” are actually insulted by a stranger being happy.

Fuck you.

I’m not going to share this meme because it’s a)-shareporn and b)-an affront to critical thinking, but there is something going around that is just ridiculous.

ESPN has some bullshit awards show called the ESPYs that occasionally has some awesome moments such as the speeches of Jim Valvano, Stuart Scott and Michael Sam.

Well ESPN has decided to award Jenner with the Arthur Ashe Award which exemplifies courage and bravery.  But of course, there is controversy with this as people are using the story of Noah Galloway (an Iraqi war veteran, and certified badass who competes in Ironman competitions even after the amputation of his arm and leg) who is the alleged “runner-up” to Ms. Jenner.

Noah Galloway is a machine and a guy who has more bravery and valor than I do in my thumbnail.  But unfortunately he is being used as a prop by others to hide behind their bigotry and debate what the “true meaning of bravery” really should entail.

But a couple of things, 1)-there was no runner-up.  2)-people who suffer from bigotry tend to hide behind certain institutions to avoid saying what is really on their mind.  When someone is promoting this meme, they aren’t sharing his story, they are spitting on the trans community and anyone who aligns themselves with them.

This is people who say “WHO CARES” when someone comes out, clearly providing the proof on why these are big deals.  These are the people who want to complain about people “telling ME what to do” but at the same time, demeaning anything that makes them uncomfortable.  Part of it of course is probably innocent naiveté, I’ll allow that, but under the façade of most is the archaic viewpoints and mentality that continues to wish for a more vile time in our society.

There shouldn’t be a case for Caitlyn Jenner’s bravery.  Look at what happens to people who transition.  Look at the suicide rates.  Look at the shaming.  Look at the families who turn their back on their own.  Look at the disgust people share.  Look at the bullshit that people say.  Look at the jokes that people want to say but look even closer at who is laughing, the person who prides themselves as enablers of hate.

Don’t hide behind Noah Galloway.  He doesn’t deserve your backhanded praise.

No one does.