Why Your Presidential Candidate Sucks: Chris Christie

30 Jun

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Sup.

You are probably reading this little section of the internet because you typed in “Chris Christie Sucks” or I begged you on social media to read it.  To my newcomers, please follow me on social media so you can join the gang of 13 (aka my followers who did it out of obligation) and we can laugh at the number 69 coming up in impromptu situations or GIFs of things.  Or DEEZ NUTS jokes which is my new thing.  BTW ever hear of Reese Eve?

But let’s get to the good stuff.  Chris Christie is fifty shades of not great, he’s a former champion mouth at the end of his career with nothing left to fight for.  He can’t possibly be elected anything else, as New Jersey’s blue hue essentially ruins any Senate bid so he’s running for President because well, why not.

I’m of course a partisan liberal, I must make amends clear but I make up for that by being alert.  Chris Christie running for President is a tiny bit more important than George Pataki’s need to feel important again or Donald Trump’s pretending.  He at one point looked to be a legitimate contender for the Republican nod and perhaps the White House until we realized one thing.

Chris Christie is a petty piece of shit.

See, there was a time at around the first year of the Obama administration (in which the economy wasn’t instantly raining millions on confused citizens who thought a new President would instantly whip out his wand — Bill Clinton wink emoji — and climate change would mean liquid gold) where we didn’t know shit.  This new guy in office was barely doing anything and his signature bill (healthcare reform as it was known) was looking dead in the water.

People were pissed, and by people, I mean specifically those who confidently listen to Kid Rock or think Cloyd Rivers has somehow “got a point on some things”.  Those who touch themselves to Cat Scratch Fever and whose ears flush with a gentle red flash and eyes light up when the word “gun” is said.  We called them the Tea Party.

Enter Chris Christie, a guy whose main schtick has always been “fiery” or “straight-talking”.  He picked fights with the media, the establishment, the teachers union, the bosses, the unions….really anyone who said “do you have any thoughts on CUPPA?” with the anger and simultaneous arousal of a college male who wonders why they are in the friend zone.  He was really never saying anything other than “its my way or the highway”….the problem is we didn’t know what that meant because we focused on the caricature.

Christie reminded my family, a lefty winged one for the record, as a family member from North of Monmouth County.  He did look and talk the part, and the Springsteen love made him relatable.  Then Hurricane Sandy came and Chris Christie’s “tell it like it is” persona became at odds with the far right….he “HUGGED OBAMA AND PROBABLY WILL BECOME KENYAN TOO”, the mouthbreaters erupted with the bottled up anger of the true story of Santa Claus that has been bubbling for two years.

But a political rock star was born.  He was New Jersey!  He didn’t care what party you are!  He just wants his state to be OK (and I do believe, in spite of all of this, the man does love his state more than most Governors) and BULLY what you think!

Then we realized, this guy is either a vindictive little shit who used his own people to get back at political rivals or had the ineptitude to not realize what was going underneath him.

Chris Christie is your friend who says they “tell it like it is” so they can use it as a hall pass when they say a false insulting thing.  He’s the guy whose ears turn red when he is slighted that she didn’t swipe right.  He is the most insecure guy in the gym who gets pissed at “selfie sticks” but shares numerous mirror shots.

And he will not be your next President.

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