Hot Take Thursday – 7/2

1 Jul

To follow Satirical Thoughts, hit us up on Twitter (thirteen followers, and I nearly know them all) and Facebook.  

Welcome to Hot Take Thursday, a new segment that will be featuring long time friend Jamil Larkins who is ready to be heated.  Hot Take Thursday is not for the weak of heart or ones that can’t be insulted (except me since this is my blog) because we are about to throw straight fire on your monitors.  We are bringing the thunderdome to your PDFs.  I don’t know what the hell that means but the heat is on.

Let’s start off with Jamil bringing the heat on ketchup:

  • What’s the most popular condiment in the United States of America? Correct, that’s ketchup. What’s the most trash condiment in the United States of America? Correct, that’s also ketchup. What sort of rugrat even invented ketchup? “Hey these tomatoes suck, let’s mash them up and add a bunch of sugar! That will make them better!” WRONG. I’m 24 years old. I’ve lived enough to understand there’s three types of people who eat ketchup. 1) Children. 2) People who can’t cook and need their food to taste better by slathering it in red sugar sauce, which, in that case, grow up, beloveds. 3) The Eastern European tourists in Times Square that put ketchup on everything they order from the halal cart because it’s American. Which do you fall under?

Take that Middle America.

My turn.

  • Yuengling is the worst god damn beer in this country.  Its what wack party houses throw in kegs because they want to stand out from the Keystones and Nattys, but unlike those two beers there isn’t a redeeming thing about the brick-colored “lager”.  Yuengling is for Dads who think Lynyrd Skynyrd mattered in pop culture and those who want “grit” out of their players and probably would issue a fatwa on Yaisel Puig.  Yuengling is the beer of choice of people who share Chris Kyle memes and think Landshark is a pricey beer.  The worst about Yuengling?  Its like the one last institution Pennsylvanians are proud of.  Its for people who pretend to be flummoxed in Philly when they live twenty minutes outside of it but also for some reason take pride in “Pennsatucky”.  Like they think its cool that the state is like JUST ANY OTHER STATE in that it has a couple cities and a lot of woods.  Have you seen New York without NYC and New Jersey without bankers and beachgoers?  SAME THING.  Your bigots aren’t even special.  I saw a Confederate flag in Rhode Island once!  (Note:  I didn’t.)

Who is ready to see The Beatles get shit on?  As a Beatles fan, I’M NOT!  As someone who hates “nowadays”, I’m IN (sup Tinder).

Take it away Mil

  • The Beatles are terrible. I hope you too can come to this realization soon. The Beatles are the Babe Ruth of music bands. People like to talk about the legend of how big they were, how perfect they were, how popular they were, when today they would be singing break up songs somewhere in Williamsburg on the let out of an Arctic Monkeys concert. Go listen to some James Brown and dance while you think about this. Go debate the barber on Penny Lane if you disagree.

Just give Magical Mystery Tour a shot.

While I lick my wounds, I gotta get something off my chest.  Netflix is awesome but we know you like it.

  • Why are we replacing something-something latte with Netflix?  Why is staying in and watching TV episodes (does anyone watch movies on Netflix by the way?) on a billion dollar platform somehow something that makes you quirky?  Why are people fishing for dates bragging about having a Netflix account like its Tidal? 

You mad?  We were fairly PG for the most part, but you want in?  We are looking for new takers but do me a favor and follow Jamil on Twitter


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