Hot Take Thursday – July 23rd, 2015

23 Jul

To follow Satirical Thoughts, hit us up on Twitter (fifteen followers, and I nearly know them all) and Facebook.  

My Hot Take:

Okay so there’s a new beer floating around your TL called “Not Your Father’s Root Beer” which is hilarious because your father never drank it.  Nonetheless, this beer is made for people who think all porn scenes should be shot at their nearest Cabela’s while they masturbate to pictures of Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

Not Your Father’s Root Beer is a craft beer for those who drink any flavor of Four Lokos.  This is a drink for those who believe that Donald Trump might have a point whilst having their homepage set to their Tumblr.  Its a craft beer for knuckledragging Neanderthals while also being a simple beer for those who drink shit like Keystone Light without the Alanis Morisette definition of irony.  Fuck all of you who drink this cacophony of liquid gonorrhea, I’d rather see my deceased grandmother’s colostomy bag than hear how you’d like to drink this bullshit.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I have yet to try this beer.

But we got more takes for you and this one is from Brynne regarding Harry Potter:

I read. I read a lot, mostly because TV is terrible (still don’t watch Game of Thrones, still don’t give a fuck). But whenever someone finds out you’re a “reader” (what is everyone else? Helen Kellers?), they don’t even ask you if you like Harry Potter, they just start talking about it. They automatically assume you like it and have read the whole series multiple times, as if it’s some new age rite of passage like prom or college or faking a pregnancy.

I first picked up Harry Potter in high school because everyone was reading it (everyone was also really into meth at the time in Northampton, Pennsylvania, and that has also turned out really great for the neighborhood). It was right after I had finished reading Fight Club, so based on everyone’s recommendations, I was expecting epic fight scenes, life-altering asides, and plot twists that had make the ending of Of Mice and Men look like a shot in the dark.

But instead I got a book was Lord of the Rings meets Hocus Pocus.

(Lord of the Rings also sucks)

JK Rowlz, I really liked The Casual Vacancy, but I still can’t fathom how you didn’t get sued for copyright infringement. I bet you have a great lawyer, and if you could contact me with his information I would appreciate it because I have some really interesting charges I would like Google to forget about involving a guitar, some guy’s Jetta, and off-brand breakfast cereal.

You had to be there.

The worst part about Harry Potter isn’t even Harry Potter itself, it’s how people react when you tell them you don’t like Harry Potter. Yes, you, screaming at your computer screen a whole 10 seconds ago (or whatever the average idiot savant reading speed is these days), let me first remind you, that you’re screaming about a book about a high schooler and his friends that float around on broomsticks with wands who endure a predictable plot and series of subplots and live happily ever after.

“But Harry Potter is about friendship!”

So is the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

“But it’s not predictable at all!”

But, doesn’t the main character experience a major challenge, and you think he has lost? But then he survives? And wins? And then everyone gets married and lives happily ever after?


The worst is when people demand you listen to them read their favorite “inspiration quotes” from Harry Potter, as if that will “magically” (get it?) convince you. This isn’t the library, and you aren’t Richard Simmons reading to a group of low-functioning sixth graders (this is a bar, and I’m already on drink number four, and I don’t have a lot of free time anymore, so I’d prefer to not hear about the one book you finished six years ago or your newest interest in gluten-free gardening).

I have actually witnessed MULTIPLE people tell me they would be devastated if their future son or daughter didn’t like Harry Potter. THAT’s what you would be devastated about?! Not if he or she never sees a female president? Or the eradication of poverty in the U.S.? Or if he/she votes for someone like Chris Christie?

“I’ve accepted that my son is a white supremacist and has murdered three and a half wives…but I mostly will never get over that he didn’t like The Goblet of Fire.”


To conclude the fire monologues, let’s check in to Jamil and the music of that dude from Community.

There’s a lot of people that don’t need to be rapping in our Lord Based God’s year of 2015. Childish Gambino got pole position nh on that list. He’s right up there with Lupe and Charles Hamilton of “people with no shape-ups trying to tell you how to live your life properly.”

I didn’t know the actor formerly known as Donald Glover, or else I probably would like him less based off of what a quick search on the internet tells me about his comedic career (which is how I form opinions on most things these days). Childish Gambino makes Urban Outfitters fitting room music. Starbucks soundtrack when the manager is white and there’s one black employee so you gotta make him feel comfortable music. Hairline doing the Cotton-Eyed Joe away from your face because you get your wig chopped at Fantastic Sam’s music. “Black History Month” appreciation day at lunch and you ask what the difference between sweet potatoes and yams music. Hooping at recess in vasque boots music.

Keep his sassy raps and Asian fetishes far away from my audials forever. Just look at this guy.


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