Archive | August, 2015

All The Republican Presidential Candidates: 17 Hot Takes

20 Aug

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Well, as summer comes to an end (shit); its time to take a look at the presidential race.  Now that we are practically done the whole “announcing my campaign” thing, we are in the thick of the race.  Again, we are still like five months from the real deal Holyfield Iowa caucus meaning none of this shit really matters.  However, we have enough time to issue some fire takes on the scotum sacks running.

Donald Trump

  • I’ve already discussed how Donald Trump is a waste of a fertilized egg and sperm cell.  There’s really no new ground to cover.  He’s actually PULLING AWAY in some polls, but I must ask you to keep looking at this shit cautiously.  One state basically votes at a time, so these nationwide polls can be tossed out.  We are more than a year from the general election.  Once the jamokes start dropping out of the race, we’ll start seeing just how viable Trump’s campaign really is.

Jeb Bush

  • This damn country.  We have had one Bush that was just a mediocre President whose legacy is literally lying about “NO NEW TAXES”.  Then we got the brother, whose eight-year reign was riddled with incompetency, leaks, record recessions, unjust wars, unemployment, an increase in authority of the office, No Child Left Behind and American Idiot being taken seriously.  So what’s the solution?  GET HIS BROTHER IN OFFICE.  This one is funny though because he comes across as the mature guy in the room as opposed to the “just want to have a beer with” fella that his brother personified.  So as we approach a monarchy of mediocrity, Jeb Bush wants you to pretty much forget his last name.  You know he’d love it if he was Jeb Douchestrom or something.

Scott Walker

  • Scott Walker’s claim to fame is fighting against unions, surviving a recall attempt and being bought off by the billionaire Koch Brothers.  In most cases, he would be a serious threat because he literally has two guys who are pretty much worth more than nearly all Americans.  The thing they forget is the fact that Scott Fucking Walker has the charisma of a hernia tear.  His dead eyes and dyed black hair reminds you of an oil spill that came to life.  I’m not even sure if he has ever spoken a word actually.  He is interesting in the sense that you think he’d be a threat but once America actually gets to see him, he’ll be the 2012 Tim Pawlenty.

Marco Rubio

  • I think this guy is the younger brother of every candidate.  Marco Rubio is famous for challenging then-popular Governor Charlie Crist who made the mistake of hugging President Obama and getting cooties, then trying to do something with immigration reform.  So the Tea Party ditched him and the establishment just decided to find a more vanilla robot.  Marco Rubio still has an outside chance at this thing, but the h2o loving Senator still reeks of amateurism.  He also likes “hip-hop” which is probably just slang for accidentally downloading a free Kid Ink track.

Ben Carson

  • Brilliant pediatric neurosurgeon turned Tea Party icon who talks about political correctness so your worst friends can have someone to look up to.  Of the two major parties, one of three non-white male candidates so….progress?  Has the political skills of a Google Doc.

Ted Cruz

  • Evil Cam From Modern Family!  Seriously google both of them.  Also is an Admiral Von Cocknballs who thinks gay marriage is worse than terrorism.

Carly Fiorina

  • Failed CEO and Senate candidate who is rising in the polls just because she’s the only who only occasionally spouts feces from her mouth.

Chris Christie

  • lol.  Can you remember a candidate that has crashed and burned for like two fucking years?  You know Chris Christie thought he’d swashbuckle in and be the hot take King but Trump just made Christie look like your Uncle who is going to be a future ex-husband.  Holy shit, this guy was on SNL and people loved it!  Then he closed a bridge and you had to guess if he was evil or literally up his own ass and unaware of what his team was doing.  Also a child who needs to suckle his own teat when someone dares challenge his authority.  Chris Christie is your one friend, who has no friends, that blames it because “I tell it like it is”.  In fact the fucker named his campaign that!  His campaign is literally a phrase that translates to “friendless”.  Secretly definitely has a Tumblr.

Lindsey Graham

  • Running because no one else is willing to nuke the entire world.  Saddest man ever.

Mike Huckabee

  • Cultural warrior who thinks he’s down with the young crowd for playing blues guitar.  Because let’s face it, there is nothing more that the kids love these days than fucking CCR!  Also a raging homophobic, transphobic, nationalist who is still looking for the Duggar vote.  He’s the only one I’m hoping has a sex scandal, even if its just that he accidentally saw an episode of Orange is the New Black.

Bobby Jindal

  • Ten years ago he was seen as the future of the party.  Now he’s just a grinning piece of foreskin that has nothing to offer.  Also did an exorcism or something once.  Really.

Rand Paul

  • The son of your nutty friends cultural icon and those who share 9/11 memes got out-taked by Trump and out-youthed by Bernie Sanders.  Now he’s just a toupee who probably thinks Snapchat is Tinder and vice versa.  Also Dan Blizerian likes him so that’s enough.

Rick Perry

  • Scary until you realize he might just actually be too stupid to win.  Now he’s kind of enjoyable and cute.  The Republicans should just make him their Philly Phanatic and quiz him on world leaders.

Jim Gilmore

George Pataki

  • He’s so rich that he’s running out of boredom and is polling under 1%.  That’s how bored he is.  He isn’t even sinking money in, just going through the motions to satisfy someone.  I can’t wait to have an ex-wife and I can say that.

Rick Santorum

  • Dude who definitely thought he’d have some support, instead he’s just a grinning penis who doesn’t even wear sweater vests anymore.  But he kept the homophobia.

John Kasich

  • He got applauded for basically saying “hate the sin, love the sinner” so religious people who adamantly refuse they aren’t bigots had something to cheer for.  Actual threat, looks like every substitute teacher/priest arrested for sexual relations.

Attention Wannabe Old Men: Participation Trophies Aren’t Hitler

17 Aug

To follow Satirical Thoughts, hit us up on Twitter (fifteen followers, and I nearly know them all) and Facebook.  

Holy shit.

This past weekend, the timelines of all social media accounts were flooded after the thoughts of modern day Socrates/Steelers LBer James Harrison’s on participation trophies.  Namely, he hates them and his kids won’t have him.

This earned the accolades of your social media Neanderthals with Associates Degrees and crusty Ron Paul ’08 bumper stickers as participation trophies are apparently the scourge of modern time and part of the “wussification of America” and “entitlement”.

Now, James Harrison can do whatever he wants and pretend this is some valuable life lesson.  In fact, taking to social media to brag about your parenting is literally the best and most humble thing a person can do to train their children.  It really shows how brave a person he is that he took to Instagram to appeal to your friends who retweet Cloyd Rivers and complains that feminism is the reason why people don’t appreciate their unwarranted sexts.  Appealing to the lowest common denominator of American society is how you get the likes and retweets after all.

I must mention though that James Harrison has worked his ass off throughout his career.  He was cut, put on various practice squads and ending up being a defensive force, MVP and at an age where most linebackers are retiring; he’s still a pass-rush threat.  Good for him.

But this participation trophy debate is literally one of the worst things that we do.  Here’s a little fact.  Children know when they win and when they lose.  They know who the champions were and the fake little plastic trophy is more of a “thanks for giving us money to allow your children to lose” than a “you are so great!”.  It is basically something that your child will forget about as opposed to ruining their lives.  Odds are you are the reason your child is a pain in the ass, not a trophy made by a part-time Home Depot associate as a sidejob.

However, let’s talk about how fucking ridiculous this argument is.  Let’s just play along.  Most of the people who praise this was born after the year 1970 except Grandma Gladys who shares memes about Obama wanting to kill white people.  Here’s how YOU are entitled.

  • When you were 19, you didn’t get drafted to serve in the military and fight in wars.  Therefore you are a spoiled child who was entitled to not realize sacrifice.
  • Back in your day, you weren’t 6 years old and working for a dime a day in a coal mine to feed your family.
  • You weren’t beaten when you tried to vote.
  • You can actually get married to whomever you want, providing they are a consenting adult.
  • Back in your day, you are like…ten years older than us!

This generation shit is the dumbest thing to come out of your friends mouths since Trump announced his candidacy.  It’s regurgitated by Gen X’ers who want to seem like they are so much wiser and millenials whose parents drank during their pregnancies.  You are not wise, nor intelligent for thinking James Harrison is the best parent in America.

You know what’s worse?  Genocide. Fight me.

The Sum Of All Beers: An Appreciation For Keystone Light

11 Aug

To follow Satirical Thoughts, hit us up on Twitter (fifteen followers, and I nearly know them all) and Facebook.  

Every now and then when I’m, I don’t know what you call what I do now.., “existing” I think of what I believe is a pretty decent idea to force people to read my shit.  I have zero problems selling my soul for a few page views, so imagine what I would do if I ever could make writing a profitable enterprise?

Nonetheless, I like drinking a lot.  Honestly its one of my favorite things to do even though I will never drink coffee because too many friends that I genuinely love enjoy talking about it and I don’t want them to be happy.

I also like nostalgic mental flashbacks that make me depressed about getting older.  I’ve been single for a year.

But I’m only 24, still young, even though if I were to say die in a newsworthy incident I would be referred to as “South Jersey MAN” which kind of irks me.  I thought I’d at least have a few years to be you know “a guy” but nope I just jumped right into manhood.

However, I do have a reason to prognosticate this time.  It’s now been a full calendar year since I moved back home from my college town and I have a vague grip on what I’m doing (which is good) in life though of course questions will always remain.

It all started with a Keystone Light.  Keystone Light is not a good beer.  Its main purpose is to be bought by someone over 21 years of age, so underage people can drink and the buyer can lie about its price and skim a couple bucks.  But its also probably the first beer you ever drank with a good chunk of your, at the time, closest friends in the basement.  So it always has a small, special place in your heart.

Keystone was not the first beer I had but it was old reliable during my pre-21 year old days.  My friends have always loved the slight step-up that is Miller High Life (which will be discussed in a later post), but every time you were at a party with a keg in a eastern PA state school; you can guarantee it was filled with the smooth Keystone Light.

For some reason, drinking it I started thinking of friendship and the first time I had Keystone.  I remember we were low on cash (cliché) so all we could realistically afford was a 30 of that to get us through the weekend.  I think I had six or seven so 18-year old me thought I was the biggest, baddest drinker in the entire college world.

But where is the nostalgia in that?  Think of your first Keystone and the people around you.  Think of what your dreams were and the people you didn’t meet yet.  For me, I was a college freshman who was a cross country runner and since we had a small squad; I was with four of my best friends at the time.

When you are in college, you get wrapped up in the day-to-day life and forget how fleeting of an experience it truly is.  Since you live on campus and you have daily access to your friends, you take everything for granted.  Being an out-of-stater, you always know summer is coming but a new school year starts right afterwards and new people will be introduced.

Unfortunately it does end though.  People graduate.  Some transfer or drop out entirely.  The people who you spent almost every hour of the day in (sans sleep) become nothing but a “dude, remember them?”.  The people moving in next year will never know about the fights, the hookups, the transfer threats, the breakups or anything that took place when you were young.

But you get older.  You might laugh at the same things and recount the same stories, but you are always changing.  You find out that you don’t lose most of your friends to fights or arguments but you just….lose them to life.  They get jobs, they grow, and so do you.

I thought my tight-knit group of five friends were going to be the ones for life.  I only talk to one regularly, another sparingly and haven’t heard from the other three in at least a year plus.  We just….have nothing to talk about unless memories count and its neither of our faults.

But you always add new friends and shit, I fucking did.  I found probably hundreds of friends, had romance, had memories, and did a bunch of cool and stupid shit.

However, you realize how quick it can go.  You mourn the fact that you lose contact with so many people and you have to realize, some of it is your fault.  You burnt bridges.  You torched an image of yourself and they all saw right through it.  Others hang around but they go on to do different things as the pendulum of life isn’t always guaranteed to swing back to the other side with you on it.

Being back home for a year, I realized how much I have lost while also seeing how much I gained.  But being so far, geographically, removed from everyone makes you realize how you are just a piece of a puzzle; not the damn image.  You regret those fights.  You regret what you shared.

But most importantly you regret time passing.  You see those couples breakup, you see those friends post photos of their work friends and you see how things will be.  How many of your parents college friends do you know?

Keystone Light is not a good beer, yes.  It’s not a bad one either, it’s just a bland Aquafina with a hint of carbonation and corn.  I’ve moved on from enjoying that swill to other things, even though I rarely come back to it.

But it was important.  It represents what you were.  That house you had, by the graveyard, might be occupied by someone else but you know what happened inside.  That girlfriend is gone but you remember those jokes about the tennis team.  They still live on even if they are horrendously outdated and inactive.

But you remain there.

Happy drinking.