All The Republican Presidential Candidates: 17 Hot Takes

20 Aug

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Well, as summer comes to an end (shit); its time to take a look at the presidential race.  Now that we are practically done the whole “announcing my campaign” thing, we are in the thick of the race.  Again, we are still like five months from the real deal Holyfield Iowa caucus meaning none of this shit really matters.  However, we have enough time to issue some fire takes on the scotum sacks running.

Donald Trump

  • I’ve already discussed how Donald Trump is a waste of a fertilized egg and sperm cell.  There’s really no new ground to cover.  He’s actually PULLING AWAY in some polls, but I must ask you to keep looking at this shit cautiously.  One state basically votes at a time, so these nationwide polls can be tossed out.  We are more than a year from the general election.  Once the jamokes start dropping out of the race, we’ll start seeing just how viable Trump’s campaign really is.

Jeb Bush

  • This damn country.  We have had one Bush that was just a mediocre President whose legacy is literally lying about “NO NEW TAXES”.  Then we got the brother, whose eight-year reign was riddled with incompetency, leaks, record recessions, unjust wars, unemployment, an increase in authority of the office, No Child Left Behind and American Idiot being taken seriously.  So what’s the solution?  GET HIS BROTHER IN OFFICE.  This one is funny though because he comes across as the mature guy in the room as opposed to the “just want to have a beer with” fella that his brother personified.  So as we approach a monarchy of mediocrity, Jeb Bush wants you to pretty much forget his last name.  You know he’d love it if he was Jeb Douchestrom or something.

Scott Walker

  • Scott Walker’s claim to fame is fighting against unions, surviving a recall attempt and being bought off by the billionaire Koch Brothers.  In most cases, he would be a serious threat because he literally has two guys who are pretty much worth more than nearly all Americans.  The thing they forget is the fact that Scott Fucking Walker has the charisma of a hernia tear.  His dead eyes and dyed black hair reminds you of an oil spill that came to life.  I’m not even sure if he has ever spoken a word actually.  He is interesting in the sense that you think he’d be a threat but once America actually gets to see him, he’ll be the 2012 Tim Pawlenty.

Marco Rubio

  • I think this guy is the younger brother of every candidate.  Marco Rubio is famous for challenging then-popular Governor Charlie Crist who made the mistake of hugging President Obama and getting cooties, then trying to do something with immigration reform.  So the Tea Party ditched him and the establishment just decided to find a more vanilla robot.  Marco Rubio still has an outside chance at this thing, but the h2o loving Senator still reeks of amateurism.  He also likes “hip-hop” which is probably just slang for accidentally downloading a free Kid Ink track.

Ben Carson

  • Brilliant pediatric neurosurgeon turned Tea Party icon who talks about political correctness so your worst friends can have someone to look up to.  Of the two major parties, one of three non-white male candidates so….progress?  Has the political skills of a Google Doc.

Ted Cruz

  • Evil Cam From Modern Family!  Seriously google both of them.  Also is an Admiral Von Cocknballs who thinks gay marriage is worse than terrorism.

Carly Fiorina

  • Failed CEO and Senate candidate who is rising in the polls just because she’s the only who only occasionally spouts feces from her mouth.

Chris Christie

  • lol.  Can you remember a candidate that has crashed and burned for like two fucking years?  You know Chris Christie thought he’d swashbuckle in and be the hot take King but Trump just made Christie look like your Uncle who is going to be a future ex-husband.  Holy shit, this guy was on SNL and people loved it!  Then he closed a bridge and you had to guess if he was evil or literally up his own ass and unaware of what his team was doing.  Also a child who needs to suckle his own teat when someone dares challenge his authority.  Chris Christie is your one friend, who has no friends, that blames it because “I tell it like it is”.  In fact the fucker named his campaign that!  His campaign is literally a phrase that translates to “friendless”.  Secretly definitely has a Tumblr.

Lindsey Graham

  • Running because no one else is willing to nuke the entire world.  Saddest man ever.

Mike Huckabee

  • Cultural warrior who thinks he’s down with the young crowd for playing blues guitar.  Because let’s face it, there is nothing more that the kids love these days than fucking CCR!  Also a raging homophobic, transphobic, nationalist who is still looking for the Duggar vote.  He’s the only one I’m hoping has a sex scandal, even if its just that he accidentally saw an episode of Orange is the New Black.

Bobby Jindal

  • Ten years ago he was seen as the future of the party.  Now he’s just a grinning piece of foreskin that has nothing to offer.  Also did an exorcism or something once.  Really.

Rand Paul

  • The son of your nutty friends cultural icon and those who share 9/11 memes got out-taked by Trump and out-youthed by Bernie Sanders.  Now he’s just a toupee who probably thinks Snapchat is Tinder and vice versa.  Also Dan Blizerian likes him so that’s enough.

Rick Perry

  • Scary until you realize he might just actually be too stupid to win.  Now he’s kind of enjoyable and cute.  The Republicans should just make him their Philly Phanatic and quiz him on world leaders.

Jim Gilmore

George Pataki

  • He’s so rich that he’s running out of boredom and is polling under 1%.  That’s how bored he is.  He isn’t even sinking money in, just going through the motions to satisfy someone.  I can’t wait to have an ex-wife and I can say that.

Rick Santorum

  • Dude who definitely thought he’d have some support, instead he’s just a grinning penis who doesn’t even wear sweater vests anymore.  But he kept the homophobia.

John Kasich

  • He got applauded for basically saying “hate the sin, love the sinner” so religious people who adamantly refuse they aren’t bigots had something to cheer for.  Actual threat, looks like every substitute teacher/priest arrested for sexual relations.

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