Archive | March, 2016

Your Preferred Presidential Candidate Sucks

14 Mar

Follow me on Twitter @TheJoekes

I’ve said it before, and I said it again; election season is my favorite season of it all.  I honestly can’t get enough of it, and I bless all of you who are just as passionate about it as I am.

For those who are just tuning into presidential elections and might be voting for the first time; you might notice something that you think is bold.  All the candidates fucking suck.  Like, they are off-the-charts terrible.  You might think this is a unique phenomena, but no presidential candidates always suck.

They are in the news for over a year plus, they make promises they can’t keep, they are all over your feed and you realize your high school crush has horrific opinions.  In our social media dominated world, the news of this campaign is inescapable.

But that goes to show you that this is the point of elections.  They are a long, strenuous weeks of $1000 per plate fundraisers, soundbites and wooing endorsements from mostly older white males.  You have to cater to the party elites, who then fundraise massively and rally around a preferred candidate.  Honestly, dig down would you really have been hyped to vote for Mitt Romney, John Kerry, Michael Dukakis or Gerald Ford?  These things always are worse than Zach Braff.

This year is a little bit different though.  Bernie Sanders, who in most election cycles would be a fun little Ron Paul lite candidate scoring 10-15% of the vote (mostly comprising of woke suburbanites) is the only candidate besides Hillary Clinton for the Democrats.  Martin O’Malley was the other “legitimate” candidate but even he didn’t know why we was running.  Then there was castrated audio animatronic Lincoln Chafee and creepy stepfather Jim Webb who filled out the most milquetoast field in our life.

But of course, the Republican field is just a fucking masterpiece of chaos, insecurities and overcompensation of dick size.  Really, this is just a rehash of previous things I wrote but can you really hate on a field in which the front-runner is Donald Trump and the most “establishment” preferred candidate is Marco Rubio who is a glorified Lands End khaki model?  The other options are pupil-less demagogue Ted Cruz who is hated by everyone so much that important people are STILL waiting to endorse and John Kasich, the creepy minister at your local parish who is liked but you don’t want to be alone with.

But guess what?  They all suck.

Bernie Sanders is fun.  I agree with most of his platform and for the most part, he is right on everything even though the guy literally has no fucking clue on what to do with foreign policy matters.  He is energizing people who feel disenfranchised, which is always a legitimately good thing and he is tapping into a liberal base that frankly hasn’t had a lot to be excited about in previous elections.  He’s really the first “our guy” for those of us who would vote Green Party if it was a true reality.

He is also angering people who share Chris Kyle memes and for some reason are really mad they can’t say the n-word and can’t hit a woman even though they can hit them or some bullshit.  This is also a good thing.  Your MCM who says you need to “work hard” for things but spends his day tweeting fire takes from his phone instead of doing his job hates Bernie.  Dude is probably the Anti-Christ at Total Frat Move.

He also has been in Congress for like 25 years, so we can assume he won’t just lock himself in his room if he doesn’t get his way if he’s President.  I assume he can negotiate.

But he probably won’t win, he’s a true liberal/progressive, but just doesn’t have the support.  Could he win the nomination?  Eh its slim but still possible, and I got to admit he’s made some inroads lately but c’mon, this guy would get waxed like a modern-day McGovern and is only a sure bet to win the Northeast and California.

Hillary Clinton has been running for President since about 2005.  Speculation has followed her beforehand and she has been in the public eye for over twenty years.  Democrats are tired of her and the fact that she’s a corporatist Wall Street establishment candidate is yawn-inducing.  I mean, she has my vote, but god it hurts.

Republicans also think she’s Claire Underwood or something though considering she couldn’t even keep her emails about Parks and Rec quiet, do you really think there is anything nefarious here?

Still yawn.

Ted Cruz is also a thing.  He is actually the most likely foil to Donald Trump and everyone hates him so fucking much that they are relying on John Kasich and Marco Rubio to stop him from stopping Trump.  Reread that sentence so you can wrap your head around about how vilified this smegma (google it, but not at work) and phlegm-ridden sycophant truly is within his party.

Ted Cruz is so bad that I don’t know a single person my age who is all about him.  I know Republicans who are into Rubio, or who think Kasich is sane and mouthbreathers from homeroom who like Trump.  But Ted Cruz?  Does this guy actually have support?  How has he won so many states?  I think even people who love Cruz are so ashamed of themselves that they can’t even troll your feed about this fuck.  I think his blood is made of oil, but not Exxon like the shitty one that’s somehow always 10 cents cheaper and charges the same price cash or credit.  His hair has to be moussed with the placenta of a mongoose because he’s so repulsive that I think he just permanently has tonsil stone breath.

Marco Rubio is just existing out here man and waiting for this to end so he can go back to being in debt like the rest of us. He’s not running for re-election for the Senate, he can’t run for Governor and man; has he really been that inspiring where he can get a Fox News gig?  This dude is screwed, his team is giving up on him, and he also talked about Donald Trump’s dick a few weeks back.

Rubio is liked by people who are just that repulsed by Cruz and Trump.  He’s not even that well-liked, it’s just tolerated.  The “important people” endorsing Rubio are doing it with the likelihood that him losing to Clinton will not ruin the party for years to come.  He’s just really in it as a last grasp hope before the GOP starts to hope for a contested convention.  I’m 90% sure Orrin Hatch endorsed him by saying “well, he’s still here so why not?”.

You know why Marco Rubio is not a legitimate candidate?  Because no one knows why he’s running.  He isn’t much worse than other candidates when it comes to repeating, but he’s the worst when it comes to explaining why the fuck he’s here.  He has approached this election with the “well people said I should!” and then we realized he had no backbone and his boots creeped out too many racists.  Ted Cruz is running to set us back one hundred years, Trump is running for ego, Kasich is running to prove he can hang with all the kids nowadays; but Rubio is doing it because it’ll help his resume and boost his LinkedIn network.

John Kasich is a boring white guy, who at one point was a loud-mouth invalid, who realized if he acted kind; he’d get traction.  He’s far-right, but occasionally says something without inhaling codeine so you think “ahh he’s just a moderate!”.  Dude is Mitt Romney but with a syringe injection of Christianity intertwined with delusional masculinity.  He’s just trying to win his kids back, man.

Donald Trump is also running.