Archive | June, 2016

None Of You Know Shit About Politics

10 Jun

There’s a website called Twitter, and I have an account in which you can follow me @TheJoekes 

Holy shit, everyone is stupid and we should just root for a Trump Presidency on the sole basis that he gets us into a nuclear war after the Algerian Prime Minister makes fun of his dick.  We deserve it.  Honestly, I’m genuinely of the belief that if we get Donald Trump as the Commander-in-Chief society earned the right to collapse upon itself.

Why?  Not because you voted for him because OH MY GOD ALL OF YOU ARE EQUALLY WRONG.  I earnestly cannot handle it anymore because all of your, my friends, have driven me to the point where I think my obituary will just read as “Thank God”.

There is no conspiracy against the candidate you are hoping gets the Oval Office.  Hillary Clinton has the transparency of a brick wall.  She’s been in the public eye for like thirty years.  She has been the establishment choice since 2004.  Of course the primary/caucus system which is a two-year beauty contest followed by five long months of voting is DESIGNED for the best funded and most legitimate contender to win.  This is nothing new.  Also, she’s not tweeting.  You know this.

Bernie Sanders didn’t lose because of some vast conspiracy.  If you think Middle America is going to go out of their way to fucking elect a 75-year old Socialist who doesn’t know dick about foreign policy, then you probably should go back to not paying attention.  Yeah, the primary system needs tweaking and the big banks need to be targeted.  Of course he’s leading the polls!  No one gives a shit about him besides your friends who are shocked that other people who aren’t 20-25 year olds who do Crossfit vote.  All of my friends went to Kutztown University, how come more people heard of Harvard?

Then there’s Donald Trump who honestly doesn’t say shit.  You are voting for a game of madlibs and adjectives.  He only appeals to mouthbreathing anti-participation trophy fucks who only have the opinion “oh well, what about the troops?”.  This guy is conning you so badly but if you guys would’ve known that, you wouldn’t be fucking voting for him.  You honestly are picking the fake billionaire that inherited wealth and just talks!

How can you call Bernie unrealistic when this motherfucker is talking about bringing back jobs and putting a force field around our borders!  How can you call Hillary crooked when Trump has basically tried to buy every politician he could and has had to shut down like….half his businesses because they sucked.  He’s a television personality with the gravitas of a fried Oreo and the policy ideas of a guy who lived in a boxcar in the 1940s.  How can you shit on Jeb Bush for being a career politician when this asswipe has threatened to run for President since 1988?

Oh and we will never elect a fucking third party to the Presidency nor will one debate unless they are a multi-trillionaire.  Gary Johnson is polling well because again, no one knows who the fuck he is, and once we get down to November he’ll be back to polling at 3% only to drop to 1%.  Stop perpetuating a third party.  If you think the two party system is broken, A THIRD ONE WON’T MAKE THINGS BETTER.  If you really want to change things, research your local candidates.  It shouldn’t be this tough but then again, I am talking to no one.

None of you, including me, knows shit.  Just because this is the first few months you’ve paid attention doesn’t make you fucking right.  Just because you have been following this for years doesn’t validate your goddamn opinion.  We are all wrong.  We all suck.  We all deserve to basically eat our own shit.




Superdelegates, Bernie Sanders And Realism

7 Jun

There’s a website called Twitter, and I have an account in which you can follow me @TheJoekes 

So today is a bit of an interesting day in what has been a mentally exhausting political campaign season that still really hasn’t begun in earnest yet.  Upon her victory in Puerto Rico, Hillary Clinton has essentially clinched the Democratic nomination for President ahead of the last states left to vote.  So with it being the last day in primary/caucus season, you would assume she was ready to go but there is a bit of reasoning why it’s not completely set in stone yet.

Bernie Sanders

So a lot of Bernie Sanders supporters that I know are staunchly for the Vermont Senator and it makes sense.  Regardless of your views on him and his platform, he does seem to be a genuine believer and his populist ideals and proposals make him attractive to a lot of voters.  While the messaging is different, this is no different than previous candidates such as Ron Paul, Howard Dean, Eugene McCarthy, George McGovern, etc.

Young voters come out and support these candidates and like McGovern (who would win the nomination before getting trounced in the general by Richard Nixon), Bernie Sanders was incredibly competitive.  The fact that a 74-year old Independent Senator with fairly low national name recognition did as well as he did is astounding.  It’s not unprecedented, but its still pretty rare.

Now was that due to his ideals?  Were they striking a chord with voters?  Or was it due to the fact that he was essentially just scooping up the voters who did not like Hillary Clinton?

Nonetheless, Bernie Sanders has done an impressive job.  Martin O’Malley looked like a real candidate but had nothing of note to talk about other than being “that other guy”.  Jim Webb was far too right/moderate to have any legitimate shot at a nomination and no one knows why Lincoln Chafee ran including Linc himself.  Poor fucking dude.


Now people should realize that Hillary Clinton is the “presumptive” nominee but that has not officially been named the nominee.  Calling her, as of this moment, the final choice would be incorrect.

Hillary Clinton has earned the presumptive tag through a collection of won delegates (delegates that are bound to her on the first ballot) and a bevy of “superdelegates”.  Superdelegates are a group of Democrats (Senators, Governors, Congresspeople, party officials, etc.) that can vote for whomever they damn well please.  They can support anyone from Clinton, Sanders, O’Malley or a Jenner.  However, their vote is not official until the party convention.

In the easiest way to explain, a superdelegate’s commitment is no different than a high school senior “verbally” committing to a university.  They have made their intentions clear but its not 100% certain and they can back out at any time.  Hillary has trounced Bernie in this regard.  But, as most supporters will tell you, it’s not official and superdelegates can be convinced to flip their vote.

So Can Bernie Win?

Of course.  He just needs to convince hundreds of superdelegates who committed to Hillary to switch their vote.

Now this is where it gets confusing and I have to mention something.  How the fuck does he plan on doing that?

Bernie has received less votes than Hillary Clinton.  If all states had open primaries, Hillary would still have more votes than him (even though it’d be reasonably tighter).  Bernie’s best option was to have wide open caucuses, and there’s no way in hell that would ever happen.

But the key word is “electability”.  Hillary is an unpopular candidate, at this point nowhere close to Trump in favorability, but there have been some polls showing them tight.  Bernie on the other hand, trounces Trump’s in most general polls.

Now why is that?  It’s pretty simple.  Hillary has essentially been the leading 2016 presidential candidate since Obama was inaugurated in 2008.  Not a single Democrat, sans maybe Joe Biden or Elizabeth Warren, has been treated seriously as a competitor until Bernie blasted his way into the picture.  Hillary Clinton has faced the most scrutiny, the most negative ads, the most publicity since that timeframe.  Ever misstep, or every victory for that matter, has been highlighted.

Bernie Sanders on the other hand?   Well, there’s no need to attack a guy who probably won’t win the election as has been mostly clear since March.  His favorability numbers are high because frankly, he’s not in the news as much and the Republican machine has felt really no reason to attack him.  Even the Clinton campaign and the DNC has been fairly accommodating to him.  There’s been very few calls for Sanders to drop out by legitimate party officials.  In fact, the most prominent one was by Oregon Sen. Jeff Merkley who said that if Bernie has no legitimate chance, he should drop out.  Merkley is Sanders lone Senate endorsement.

In fact, PolitiFact cited that while Bernie and his supporters are correct in that he’s polling better against Trump than Clinton, there is a “but…..” to that.  Attacking Sanders would be akin to say, Hillary attacking Kasich towards the end of his run.  While Sanders was far more successful, the end result was still the same.

So What Can Bernie Do?

Well the first answer is drop the fuck out.  I do think it would be counterproductive to do it tonight, after his supporters have worked their genitalia off in support of him, but the time for unity should come sometime within the week.

But let’s say he fights this and again, he still does have a “chance” (air quotes emphasized) how can he possibly convince superdelegates he’s most likely to be a better general election campaign?

His best bet probably would to try and push the “indictment” angle.  However, that has a high rate of backfiring as I think insinuating that Hillary Clinton could be put in jail won’t go over too well.  But it maybe could create doubt.

Overall electability will be tough.  Barack Obama was harshly attacked for maybe being a Socialist because he said some generic bullshit to a guy who wasn’t actually a plumber.  Now, how will a 75-year old career politician who embraces the socialist tag be accepted?  The phrase “socialist”, according to a Gallup poll, is the most unpopular thing a presidential candidate can be called.

Bernie Sanders represents a small state with little electoral votes in Vermont.  He can’t argue that he brings a swing state like Ohio or Florida to the table.

Bernie’s best support is amongst young voters, one that has been notoriously not reliable in terms of those who get out and vote.  He can’t make the claim he received more votes than Clinton nor that he would have won if Independent voters.

It’s just hard to imagine a scenario where Bernie has a legitimate cause to call himself the nominee.

Muhammad Ali Will Always Be The Greatest

3 Jun

Today is not the best day.  Muhammad Ali, the man who won the heavyweight title three times, is in reportedly a “grave condition”.  Ali who has notably suffered from symptoms of Parkinson’s has made less public appearances throughout the years is currently 74.

I am a fan of boxing, but talking about Muhammad Ali as just a boxer is about as much of a disservice as one could do.  Sure, some might consider Sugar Ray Robinson, Sugar Ray Leonard, Jack Dempsey, Rocky Marciano or Joe Louis the GOAT but their legacies are all different.  In a time where current top pound-for-pound fighters such as Roman Gonzalez, Gennady Golovkin and Andre Ward barely register on the casual sports fans mind, boxing’s past still gets rightfully idolized.

Muhammad Ali is a different icon.  This was a man who took trash talking to levels never before seen.  This is a man who shocked the world.  This is a man who took 3.5 years in exile because he took a stand against the Vietnam War.  This is a man who is a culturally icon who was something special in the ring but fought with more than just his fists.

In a generation where we write cringeworthy thinkpieces on Cam Newton skipping out on a press conference, you have to wonder what the modern hot taker would think of Muhammad Ali.  There would be pearl clutching, “think of the children!”, and horrible tweets made about the stances Ali took.  Those same people will mourn him when he’s gone.

Usually, when I write a piece I just tend to wing it.  In this situation, I have no idea what to say next.  This is a person who is above pop culture.  This is one of the most important American historical figures over the past sixty years.  This is the most important sportsperson, sans perhaps Jesse Owens or Jackie Robinson, in the past century.  Frankly, I got nothing but I know I can’t sit on my hands and not acknowledge something greater than myself.

He can be considered controversial.  Some of his trash talk might’ve went too far, especially in regards to Joe Frazier.   He pissed off a shit ton of people and did it in a way in which he openly did not give a fuck.  This is not just a boxer.

This is an icon.

There’s a website called Twitter, and I have an account in which you can follow me @TheJoekes 

Dear America: Multiple Things Can Outrage Us

2 Jun

There’s a website called Twitter, and I have an account in which you can follow me @TheJoekes 

This week has been the ultimate week for your friends with shit takes.  Not hot ones, like comparing things to Hitler, but just PG-rated “makes u think” blotter that oozes of a lack of creativity and really, awareness.

But front and center, this Memorial Day week has been dedicated to the death of Harambe the Gorilla.  Yes, the gorilla who was killed after a little boy fell into his enclosure and luckily wasn’t harmed in any way.  For the record, little man has some ice cold veins because there’s at least three times I watched the clip and thought “I would’ve definitely been hurt a few times”.

Anyway though, just like with Cedric the Lion, your feed is broken up into two different points of view.  There is “omg, why did a gorilla have to die!” and “HEY THE TROOPS YOU KNOW!”.

This is something we need to work on.  Yes, everything and everyone is patently annoying.  Regardless of age, we all seek some type of validation and we all think we are right.  This isn’t just milennials, but also Gladys—your one friend’s great-Aunt who if she doesn’t post, you assume its because she died—needs to let everyone know her take on the situation as well.

Outrage is a good thing, something I genuinely believe whether I think you are right or wrong.  The only way we can let ourselves be heard and not just be complacent in this universe is to express skepticism, anger and just be opinionated.  The one good thing about the internet (besides porn, AMIRITE? :does air guitar solo:) is the fact that we can find news everywhere we look.  Sure, the sources can be questioned but at least we can find out something in Istanbul instantaneously.

I’m pro outrage culture otherwise I wouldn’t have a blog.  But guess what?  The human mind is fantastic.  You see, just follow me here for a quick second.

I can believe the killing of a gorilla is sad.  I can believe that zoos kind of suck in general.  I can believe the parent is not always at fault because kids are pieces of shit until they turn 30 (note: never had a kid).  I can also believe that the troops should receive better treatment and so should people working in minimum wage jobs.  I can believe that we should hear more news on the news.

We are capable of feeling multiple things at once.  This fucking blip in the news will be forgotten about within the month and we’ll find a new story to gauge whether this explains American society or not.

But the point remains, if something really pisses you off; the X button exists for a reason.

Also death too.