Archive | July, 2016

Donald Trump Doesn’t Know Dick About The World

22 Jul

There’s a website called Twitter, and I have an account in which you can follow me @TheJoekes 

He really doesn’t.  In case you need reminding here’s some shit.

  1. He thinks there is a Department of Environment
  2. He has no idea why he supported the Iraq War
  3. When discussing the difference between Hezbollah and Hamas, Trump admitted not knowing shit and then said (to Hugh Hewitt, nonetheless), Trump said:

    “It will [matter to me] when it’s appropriate,” Trump answered. “I will know more about it than you know, and believe me, it won’t take me long.”

  4. Had no idea what the fuck Brexit was
  5. Has no idea on what to do with NATO allies if an event with Russia occurs
  6. On stage, had no idea what the nuclear triad was
  7. Doesn’t know our crime rate
  8. Has no idea on undocumented workers
  9. What about the unemployment rate?  No fucking clue
  10. Doesn’t know if Muslim or Hispanic judges could be unbiased
  11. Doesn’t know what he feels about abortion
  12. Thought soldiers stole money?
  13. Had no idea we invaded Afghanistan before Iraq
  14. Has no idea where Obama was born
  15. Really doesn’t know anything about religious freedom

This is just a little bit and I can probably go on forever.  Of course, we can do this for any other candidate but guess what?  They aren’t going to possibly be the President of the United States.

We aren’t voting for a state senator or a councilperson.  We are voting for the next fucking President of the United States.  The Commander-in-Chief.  The leader of the free world.  The most important job in all of the land.

What happens if Hillary Clinton is voted in?  Nothing really changes from the Barack Obama administration.  Depending on your perspective that can be a god-awful thing or something to be pleased about it.  But after four years, you can vote her out and she’ll probably be out of the political spectrum forever.

But if we vote Trump in?  We legitimately have no idea because this guy will be doing the job on the fly.  He has no opinion.  He just says shit.  He’s the type of person who answers with, “hey what’s the problem with Mexico” and he will respond with “the Mexicans”.  You can ask him about how we should stop terrorism and he’ll say “well, we will kill the terrorists”.

There’s nothing to what he says.  I’m fine with “hey, I’m a Republican and I’ll always vote that way” because shit, I’m the same way with Democrats and I can admit that.  But how can you honestly think this guy knows ANYTHING?!?!

He is the master of bankruptcy and debt.  He’s a trust-fund baby who did an admirable job, yes I will even say that, in making his name one of the most well known in all the land.  He’s been firing fucking Michael Andretti and Lil Jon for the past decade though.  He just says “hey, I’m not politically correct” and that somehow appeals to your mouthbreathing carny friends who go “YEAH!” whenever someone says something about feminists.

He is not some daft guy.  He just knows how to use adjectives.  He has no idea how legislation works or the powers of the Presidency.  Mitt Romney had the personality of a teaspoon of Dimetapp but at least he probably knew how to sign a bill or advocate for one.

Trump can easily just become the most liberal guy on the planet just because.  There’s no moral compass, there’s no drive.  He’s a career politician in the sense that he has almost threatened to run for the Presidency (or VP) since 1988.  He’s run longer than Hillary for shit’s sake.

He complains about trade.  GREAT because there are issues with trade.  But has he shown a microcosm of intelligence and tact about it?


If you elect him.  We deserve whatever happens next.


The Republican National Convention Is A Glorious Shitshow

19 Jul

There’s a website called Twitter, and I have an account in which you can follow me @TheJoekes 

My god, this is the greatest convention of all time.  I am liberal and give Republicans a bunch of shit, but man they know how to party.

Conventions are usually the worst as its a mixture of party diehards and establishment candidates (with a few handpicked “others” who make it through an arduous screening process) who are essentially tossing red meat into the lions den.  You won’t hear economic policies or foreign affairs because FUCK BORING ASS POWERPOINT :jerk off motion:.

However, this Donald Trump coronation has been a treat.  There really isn’t a better way to describe it than that.  Take away your political views, remember these conventions don’t mean anything long-term (surely the Berniebros will make it fun for the Democrats), and let’s just enjoy this recap of what’s gone down in Cleveland.

The greatest part about all of this?  Holy shit, they actually nominated Donald J. Trump as the official nominee.  There is no backing out of this now (unless he gets bored if his poll numbers were to tank) and of course it will stop getting funny if he really turns this boat around.

But let’s revel in this for the time being as this is just a glorious occasion.  We are also getting Dr. Ben Carson to wake up and get high on stage for a bit!

Again though, remember all that talk earlier in the year about how we were probably going to have a contested convention and all this chaos was going to occur?  Let’s stop propagating that impossible (but fun) scenario.  If Donald Trump, a guy who literally just says shit and makes fun of people’s dick size, can easily and comfortably be elected the nominee….anyone can.

A Donald Trump candidacy could very well be disastrous downticket for the GOP.  It could cause a mini exodus that could set the party back a cycle.  His unpopularity ratings are sky high, his party is keeping him at a firm’s arm length, and there really seems no way you can filter him.  He’s about as extreme of a candidate a major party can nominate.  He doesn’t even know what he believes in for fuck’s sake.

But he can win with really minimal resistance at best.  This was about as close to a contested convention in our lifetime (aka milennials #POKEMONGOBITCHES) and it was about as sterilized as one could be.  There were some rogue delegates who eventually didn’t do shit and lots of words were wasted on proposing this theory.

The Republican Party stoked the party flames after the election of Obama into unprecedented dominations of the 2010 and 2014 midterm election cycles.  If turnout is a bit lower, they fucking have the formula to do big things.  They anger their base so much that the left really can’t find any traction since they can dominate the airwaves.  The center just goes “meh” and moves on.

Enough about that.  Let’s fucking enjoy this clown car until we are forced to reap what we sow.

Mike Pence Is A Bigoted Shithead

18 Jul


There’s a website called Twitter, and I have an account in which you can follow me @TheJoekes 

Well this is later than anticipated but as we all know, Indiana Governor Mike Pence has been chose as the running mate for real-life anal fissure Donald Trump.  Pence is on the ticket primarily because he gives conservatives a shoutout, makes them feel important to the conversation and oh…he’s a tremendous bag of dicks.

Pence on the LGBT Community

  • Signals that society is collapsing and families are destroyed over gay people marrying
  • Fought against legislation that would make discrimination towards the LGBT community outlawed in the workplace
  • Fought against Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Signed the Indiana Religious Freedom Restoration Act

What we have here with Pence’s language is that whole “don’t hate the sinner, hate the sin” shit that has been propped up on social media by my friends who don’t want to seem bigoted.  Pence does that thing where he doesn’t scream homophobic slurs and insists he might’ve had a gay friend, so in your mind you go “oh, he doesn’t seem THAT bad!”.  That line of thinking is ridiculous.

But it’s not just towards the LGBT community where Pence is this way.

Pence’s Stance on Women Equality

  • Voted against Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay twice
  • Enacted horribly restrictive abortion bills that were struck down by a federal judge
  • Co Sponsored an anti-abortion bill that tried to redefine rape.

Take a look at this charmer.  Creepy Uncle Mike over here wants to basically make America a paleo-religious society that thinks equality is icky.  I’m actually 100% sure he’s probably said icky.

Oh, let’s also realize he once advocated for money that was to go to HIV/AIDS patients be redirected to in essence, help them pray away the gay.

This is what made Mike Pence a more palatable pick than say, someone like blowhard Chris Christie or NOW! That’s What I Call Irrelevance poster boy Newt Gingrich.  Christie is somewhat like-minded but everyone fucking hates him.  Gingrich excites no one under the age of 69.

Pence on the other hand, is lowkey enough to look “mature” next to Donald Trump.  If Trump is attacked for his hourly hot takes of xenophobia, supporters will point to the calm man to his right on the statesmanship of the ticket.  Guys like Pence are almost inherently more dangerous than human bidets like Trump as you know, they’ve actually done things that restricted people.  Pence has gotten things done, or at least stood in the way, and having him anywhere near the presidency would be terrifying under any circumstances.

From New Jersey: Fuck Chris Christie

12 Jul

There’s a website called Twitter, and I have an account in which you can follow me @TheJoekes 

Massive North Jersey stereotype Chris Christie, last nationally seen thinking “I’ve made a huge mistake”, might actually be the nominee for Vice President of a major political party.  This is hilarious in itself because Christie is one of few high-caliber Republicans who has no choice but to embrace the tangerine hemorrhoid but also, the fact that Chris Christie is a repulsive egomaniac (well, a politician) who has pretty much pissed off every person in New Jersey.

That’s not a lie.  Between his bungling of federal grants, his continued fucking over of Atlantic City, and his tiring rants to continue his cringeworthy schtick of “telling it like it is”; Christie has pretty much zero allies in a state that essentially gifted him his re-election.

Every politician has enemies because that’s the nature of the job.  You can’t just hate someone because, you know, tough choices do have to be made.  I get that and we all should realize there’s no perfect solution.

That being said, Christie has fucked over New Jersey taxpayers time and time again.  This isn’t just “oh, he might’ve used a helicopter” which is like….0.01% of my tax money…but full-fledged taking money from citizens.

Let’s just look at his enemies.


Pretty much since he took his oath of office, Chris Christie has been at war with teachers unions.  He has said the unions needed a political “punch in the face”, that they needed to be eliminated, had proposed a deeply unpopular “pension reform” and has even took to quarreling on the Boardwalk with pro-teacher hecklers.  That last example is just there because its one of my favorite YouTube videos.

A lot of people do have some iffy beliefs on teachers’ unions.  I’m not here to tell you why, but to just say that if you are a New Jersey teacher; there is very little chance you are supporting a governor who believes all those things.

Not just teachers though.


One of the main reasons for Chris Christie’s appeal is his tough on crime motif that touts his experience as a former prosecutor.  But if you are a member of the New Jersey police force, you might be pretty pissed at this fuckstick.

  • After cutting education reform amongst others in a state-budget cut, Christie essentially authorized the firing of 4,000 police officers.
  • Has essentially stripped low income cities of any semblance of a police force.  Yeah, cutting education AND law enforcement is a great combination.
  • Had a war of words with the head of a police union over proposed pension plans.
  • If you don’t believe me, feel free to read this op-ed by a State Trooper.

What About Everyone Else?

Telling It Like It Is

….that’s Chris Christie’s motto.  It’s a schtick, much like an insult comic egging the audience.  But Chris Christie has proven himself to be something else.

Nobody.  You know the fringe acquaintance you have that makes multiple Facebook statuses a day that get two likes?  The one who says they are single because “they are nice” and “people nowadays don’t appreciate that”.  The one who says they don’t get along with people because “well I don’t hold back!  I just tell it like it is!” even though they have the tact of a horny orangutan?

That’s Chris Christie.  He picks fights because it looks good publicly.  Everyone hates institutions!  “Why don’t we just have a guy who fights for me and not them!” says the guy who buys Copenhagen and wears work boots 24/7 (while unemployed).  That guy loves seeing a Governor yell at people without doing shit because it LOOKS like he’s doing something!

Partially that explains the phenomenon of Donald Trump whose lack of censor and overcompensation has been praised by those upset about female Ghostbusters.  However, Trump made Christie look like a fucking choir boy.  I’ve never seen a person’s takes so castrated, and minus making fun of Marco Rubio (a failed Pokemon Go server who came to life), Christie looked like a pathetic absentee Governor who was short on everything and paled in comparison.

Telling it like it is can be a good quality.  Really, sometimes people need to be honest.  But when there’s nothing to say, you look like a guy who is desperately clinging on to the one person who can possibly make him relevant again before he lives a life of anonymity as a C-list speaker at AdvoCare seminars.


Sergey Kovalev Vs. Isaac Chilemba Thoughts

11 Jul

Twitter:  @TheJoekes

A big thing I’m into but never have really gotten around to blogging about is boxing.  I was raised in a family that was all about the heavyweights of the 70s through 90s but all I did was keep track of the big names until the last few years.

For casual fans who might have felt ripped off from the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight, the news about the potential November superfight between Sergey “Krusher” Kovalev and Andre “S.O.G.” Ward probably slipped by.

Kovalev, a Russian with crushing power is widely considered the best light heavyweight (175 pounds) on the planet.  His destruction of the old but savvy Bernard Hopkins propelled him to a national audience and his prolonged torture he gave to Jean Pascal only furthered his dominance.  A fight with lineal champion Adonis Stevenson fell through (however, it didn’t really seem close to coming to fruition) and Kovalev has been patiently waiting for a big match.  With an attitude that seems equally sarcastic or villainous depending on perspective, Kovalev can be a polarizing figure as allegations of racism has dogged him in the past.

Ward on the other hand blew apart the super middleweight division (168) through the “Super Six” tournament in which he outclassed Mikkel Kessler, Allan Green, Artur Abraham and Carl Froch.  The display that Ward put on in the tournament gives him one of the better resumes in boxing and if it weren’t for a couple years of promotional disputes and injuries that led to basically three years of inactivity, he’d be the number one pound for pound fighter on the planet.

Ward’s slow comeback has led to a dismantling of journeyman Paul Smith in 2015 and the outclassing of Cuban Sullivan Barrera earlier this March.  Ward also has a tuneup fight scheduled against veteran Alexander Brand (not expected to be a challenge) in preparation for the possible November showdown against Kovalev.

Today, Kovalev had to take care of his own business against Isaac Chilemba.  In his native Russia, for the first time since a fight in 2010 that led to the tragic passing of Roman Simakov, the fight was widely considered a tune-up for Ward.  Chilemba is a gritty fighter, with subpar power and a good chin but also has solid counter-punching skills.  Now, no one is on the same planet as Ward when it comes to fighting in a phone booth but Chilemba offers a sort-of RC Cola version of it.

The fight itself wasn’t the most thrilling minus a very big 7th round knockdown of Chilemba.  Kovalev was able to make good usage of his powerful jab but often was knocked off balance by Chilemba’s slippery approach.  Kovalev won by unanimous decision however, again it wasn’t the most impressive performance by him and in fact might lead some to think Ward could have an easier time than anticipated.

I don’t really like recapping something you already saw or something you just know the results of so instead I’ll kind of provide the most telling thoughts and what it means for the future.

Isaac Chilemba

First things first, Isaac Chilemba is not some chump.  Some analysis leading up to the fight made him seem like he was fucking going to play with his dick until Kovalev delivered the first 1-2.

Instead Chilemba showed a solid chin, very strong endurance, and some decent counter punching skills including a nice hook that rocked Kovalev’s head back in round 6.  Chilemba is not gifted with power and that showed as Kovalev was able to walk through his biggest shots.  This is perhaps a boxer that can be ranked in the bottom quarter of the top-10 in his division.  The big Kovalev shots did hurt him in Rounds 7, 8 and 12 but otherwise he made a very good account of himself and chose his shots effectively enough to win a few rounds.

One thing in boxing I have learned is that there’s more than just pound-for-pound greats and tomato cans.  There’s plenty of fighters that may not be Hall of Famers or icons who still can do some great things.  Chilemba’s stock might have even slightly risen after tonight.

Sergey Kovalev

I’m no boxer.  I just watch this shit on TV so to pretend I know what’s fucking best is a laughingstock.  However, as a coach potato and a cross country runner (clearly someone who knows combat sports, that combo), I do see a benefit of Kovalev going through all twelve rounds.  Both Pascal fights didn’t make it out of the eighth and a mandatory fight with fringe contender Nadjib Mohammedi ended in three.  Really minus the Hopkins fight, that Kovalev thoroughly dominated, Kovalev hasn’t seen the distance since a six round match in 2010.

HBO’s Howard Lederman stated that Kovalev looked lazy at times.  I’ve seen the word lethargic too.  I can see both being pretty adept but I don’t think boxers the caliber of Kovalev and Ward dismiss fighters.  If anything I think Kovalev was either confused at times or just waiting for an opening that seldom came.   Chilemba was able to just slip in a jab to break up a combo or evade Kovalev enough to have nothing land.

Andre Ward

However, Chilemba is a good boxer but again he’s no Andre Ward.  Ward has this almost supernatural ability to detect a punch coming and immediately counter.  He’s not as powerful as Kovalev (few are) but he certainly has quite a bit of pop in his glove and can fight on the inside better than nearly anyone.

Ward does have to take care of business with Brand, but as a relatively impartial observer (though admittedly a big fan of S.O.G. and Kovalev’s fighting); he can certainly do some damage against Kovalev and if I had a gun to my head, I’d probably imagine a fight being similar to a tactical affair that greatly benefits the American.

Things To Watch

  • First, Andre Ward will have fought three times in basically four years against fairly middling competition.  His talent and resume are great but Kovalev is definitely a big step up from Sullivan Barrera.  I would’ve been okay with a fight against someone like Yunieski Gonzalez (who I believe beat Pascal in July 2015) and having that set up a Kovalev fight in January but I get that he was on short notice.  Ward is going up in weight and has only fought at LHW twice which does open up some thoughts.
  • Second, Kovalev certainly has to adapt but he has equalizing power.  Very few hit harder than Kovalev and he has a warrior-like mean streak in the ring.  Kovalev is talented and powerful but certainly not some careless brawler and his jab can hurt.  He has 12 rounds in the backpocket against an ultra-lite version of Ward which definitely can help him.
  • I fucking can’t wait for November.
  • I also am fully aware I don’t know shit about boxing.


Stop Fucking Telling People You Are Annoyed To Be A Millennial

5 Jul

There’s a website called Twitter, and I have an account in which you can follow me @TheJoekes 

The point of this blog is basically for me to take a few minutes and be Mad Online by stupid shit I see floating around.  If you ever have wondered if I wrote something based off of something you did, it’s probably 100% accurate.

Being online is really just finding out which one of your friends you hate the most.  You see horrible political takes, shit conspiracy theories, awful opinions on hot button issues or horrendous spelling errors.  Usually all of those are related to a single post.

But there is one thing I talk about a lot.  The number sixty nine.

Another thing is this trend that continues to float around by people who I should’ve unfriended but I solely still stay in contact with just so I have more material.  In fact, a little op-ed in the New York Post came out recently about “I’m a millennial and my generation sucks”.

It’s the usually trash and shit opinions that people my age do to impress, I don’t know, their dead grandfather.  But its a constant.  Every generation hates the next, that’s only natural and totally normal.  However, the new little “man, why do we all suck nowadays?” argument by twentysomethings is probably worse than Zika.  Its just so fucking cringeworthy.

I would normally go through the article and tell you piece-by-piece why its shit, but I don’t even feel like it so I’ll show you guys the Gawker post on it.  It was almost as embarrassing as that one viral post that woman did about how the downfall of society is the word “bae”.

But instead, let’s just talk this out real quick.

No one is fucking impressed that you hate people your own age.  Really no one.  For people who hate participation trophies for some odd reason, it’s almost like they want one for their lukewarm take on life.  Old people fucking suck and their generations were way worse.  We learn in history class that basically all American history can be described as is one giant fuck-up.  Sure people wore cooler clothes, can’t deny that, but there is really nothing much better that happened during then.

Selfies are just fucking pictures of you.  It takes like half-a-second and yeah, I’d rather see a picture of people rather than some bullshit landscape of the beach.  I don’t get the anger over selfies.  Yeah a million of them are annoying but so are all of us in general.

If the worst thing about society is fucking smartphones and trophies, than we are by far the greatest generation that has ever existed.  It totally beats the problems that previous generations have had.

Let’s just get this straight though.  You are the problem.  You are a bag of dicks whose ranting about society trying to become equal (“why can’t I use racial/sexist/homophobic slurs anymore?) is the reason why we need things that you hate such as safe spaces.  Yes, you can have differing opinions because that’s what is good about this hellhole but if you genuinely are offended by progress, then you deserved to be raked over the coals.

Millenials suck in the same way we all do.  We are humans and we are all guaranteed to die.  But talking about how you are 26, but deep down feel, 46 doesn’t fucking mean shit.  Congrats you like Ron Swanson.

But let’s just check back on that awful article:

People like me are called “old souls,” or “26-going-on-76.”

No you are called virgins by not choice.