Archive | College Life RSS feed for this section

Protected: Trigger Warning

23 Nov

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Your Major Sucks: Psychology

14 Oct

To follow Satirical Thoughts, hit us up on Twitter (almost at TEN followers now, watch out Oran Juice Jones) and Facebook.  

A couple of years (or a year ago?) I started a series on why your major sucks and then I would just decide to tear it apart and make you hate me.  Then I stopped because I have the dedication and patience of Floyd Mayweather reading Fahrenheit 451 (has anyone on the internet made a joke about Mayweather’s illiteracy yet because I haven’t heard it yet) during Banned Book Week.

But I thought, well I’m doing nothing with my life but watching reruns of laugh track sitcoms and looking at jobs on Indeed that won’t hire me so might as well try to make myself laugh.  That’s the joke I make so people don’t feel bad when they read this and I can just reply with “haha, I don’t care if you don’t find it funny; I do!”.

Without much more else to say, here’s why psychology sucks.

Psychology 

Typical Psychology Major:  A person who was forced by their advisor to sign up for a major because they couldn’t still be undeclared or someone who is on their second of three majors.

What They’ll Say They Do:  “Uhh…well, uhh….I guess it would be cool to help people.  I’m not sure how long I’ll be in it though”

Their Future Profession (According To Them):  “Ugh, I think I will wait to figure that out later on.  I’d really really really like to do something with children….or adults….or drug addicts….or straight, white, male Republicans”

Their Likely Profession:  Getting the first job they get accepted at.  The minute they get that job offer, regardless if its behind a table or under a table; they are accepting that shit and getting the hell out of town.

Why Psychology Sucks:  Psychology is one of those majors that you need more than a Bachelor’s in to really get in the door.  It sounds like a noble major because well, you are helping people; but its really done so students can just say that they are doing something in college as they graduate with a 3.0 (like me) and convince their parents half-heartedly that they might get their Masters (they won’t) or just see “where this major takes them”.

Why Psychology Doesn’t Suck:  If you make it, you are doing a good thing.  The brain is complicated as fuck (which is ironic considering how simple so many of the students are, that’s a pretty good point I must admit) and you are going to be dealing with a wide array of people’s issues.  Oh wait, isn’t that psychiatry?  Is there a difference?  All I know about psych is Frasier Crane.

Typical Response To Why Their Major Sucks:  “Yeah, good point” :changes major to Business:

How To Have Success On Tinder

9 Oct

Say hello to Satirical Thoughts and follow us on Facebook and Twitter.

By now you know that all the rage of the 18-30 year old age bracket (and up, but hopefully not below) is “Tinder” the dating app that you can use on your phone and/or iPad (sent from my iPad).

Now I gotta tell you, I’ve had more success than anyone with the ladies on Tinder.  I’ve got about 10 matches (only been using this app four hours a day for the past month, just think of what I can do by the end of the year) and believe me when I say that me and the ladies are quite fond of each other.

In fact, my profile picture exudes wealth apparently because about seven of these women said that they would be cool to hook up for like $100 an hour.  Ladies, ladies, ladies; I’d love to show you why I’m called Ebola (by everybody I know in my head) because once we exchange bodily fluids, you won’t be able to get rid of me.  However I’m 75,000 dollars in student loan debt (wouldn’t be a bad annual salary though right 😉 ) and “in-between jobs” (but I look a couple times per week on Indeed so it’s only a matter of time according to the Career Development Center).  Sorry, I can’t be Daddy Warbucks yet but if you need a Daddy Nutbusts, well…..

I’ve liked about 400-500 profiles on Tinder.  Given how particular ladies are, they probably only use Tinder in-between pumpkin patch selfies and Pretty Little Liars reruns so, they’ll eventually see me and get to know me.

But enough about me.  Actually more about me.  You are probably here because you need me.  So here’s a little guide.

“The Sports Fan”

People, a lot of women say they are sports fans.  This is good because women don’t watch sports as much as me, and I’ve always taken great pleasure in being a Professor to them.  So you have a willing student and since women are going to school more than men nowadays; they are naturals at learning from a smarter person.  The first thing you should tell them is “hey, I can teach you show you what a power play is”.  They’ll usually respond with “I already know what that means” and you say “well you can be shorthanded :insert wrist stroking emoji:”.

This is important because you are throwing yourself out there already.  It’s wise to send your phone number right after this so she knows that you really want sexual satisfaction right away.  The emoji means you have a silly side too.  Also, you used a couple of sports puns and just my opinion, that goes a long way.

If they rebuke you, then you can just say that I guess you aren’t a sports fan.  That means its their fault for implying that you are a some sexual maniac but instead were just implying that they need to work on their wrist shot.

Get To Know Them

Cool thing about Tinder, you get to see their interests and their first name.  All you need to know is “where ya from” and then you can probably look them up on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest (not that I have one), Tumblr and Google Maps.

The smartest thing you can do, just in my opinion, is add them all.  That means you are a serious guy and can be pretty flattering.  It’s no surprise that “Every Breath You Take” was a big hit.  It’s because women like to be followed and know people after talking for two seconds on a dating app.

They tell me “Rome wasn’t built in a day”, but aren’t I supposed to be the best I can be?  Hypocritical.  I can add you all on social media and you can like my statuses about how hard it is to find a job.

Discuss Serious Topics

Some women really like intelligent conversation.  To me there is nothing more intelligent than talking about serious issues.  Let her know that you think the Ravens were really smart for releasing Ray Rice after four months of debating if he was guilty or not, then seeing a video and making the really brave decision to cut him after public pressure.

Then you can have a first date (make sure you use AXE Apollo) and then just cut to the chase and ask her thoughts on Nagasaki and Hiroshima.  It shows you care about the world more than yourself which just my opinion is very noble.

Don’t Wait For Responses

I mean, you will leave them speechless.  Most people aren’t on Tinder for hookups, intelligent conversation, dating or fun.  They are on it to hear your opinions on the world.  Then sex.  So if they don’t respond right away, just keep going.  She’ll find her confidence (thanks to you you improved it) and jump into the pool when she’s ready.

Now For Women….

Look, I’m an equal opportunist.  You need advice too.  My recommendation is to swipe right for a good three full minutes after you set your preferences for 100 miles and set your things from 18 to 55+.  You’ll find a man that can talk to you about these subjects so you don’t.

 

You’re welcome.

The Things You’ll Miss Most About Collegiate Track & Field

24 Sep

Every now and then I see a link to some bullshit “GIF-only” article about some corny topic.  Sometimes I get tagged in them and decide to just not comment and pretend that they don’t exist because that’s what people who rage against the system do.

But one did inspire me to write a new post which I guess is a good thing for me.  It was about “the best things about college athletics” or something like that, I don’t remember and don’t feel like linking.  It was filled with a bunch of things that never happened to me except like three of fifteen but it did get me thinking.

I’ve been out of college for nearly a year now.  We are coming up on one year of a bunch of “last” milestones for me and that’s kind of upsetting.  It’s been nearly two years since my last track and field race (I was injured my senior year) and now we are coming up on a year since I was done with cross country.

That is kind of upsetting.  I did have the benefit of boosting my resume for volunteer coaching, which was a fun experience all jokes aside, but competition wise?  It’s all gone.

So here are the things that you, the student-athlete who can’t wait for that random day off of training, will miss when you graduate.  For people who didn’t do track and field; well…..pretend it relates to you.

Being In Shape

I run about 4 miles a day.  Sometimes 3, sometimes 5.  For a 23-year old that lives off of Big Macs, Dr. Pepper and the cheapest 24 oz beer I can find (GENNY CREAMMMMMMMM); I’m in pretty good shape.  I know plenty of people my age that can’t run one 7:00 minute mile let alone a couple in a row.

But when you run, you will ALWAYS compare yourself to your previous self.  I looked back at my running log and saw a 14-mile run done at 6:43 pace.  For runners better than me, that’s no big deal but now I look back at myself and just go “shit, I was a beast….well for being a 6’0 pale kid who looks mildly malnourished”.

For shits and giggles, I was thrown into our “alumni team” for my alma mater’s home cross country meet.  I opened up in a 6:10 mile and I felt like I was going to die.  I have opened up in SUB-5 minute miles before and now I can’t even do my workout pace for a fucking mile.  For some people, that’s a motivator.  For me, that’s FUCK THIS SHIT.

Now I see why people do fake sports like CrossFit, Mud Runs or DoucheNozzle.  It’s something you can’t judge yourself off of since it’s all new and gimmicky.

But you will do anything to be your old self if you are lazy and unmotivated.  Even if you are in top shape, you are always missing that edge.  I kept in pretty good shape for about three months after graduating but you just aren’t you.

This summer I lived in Kutztown and ran Rod and Gun once and all I could think about was how much I lived for it.  I hated the hills, I hated the roads, I hated the feeling at about Mile 5….but god I loved it.

Team

I never ran for myself.  I kind of HATE running.  I love everything about it, but the act of it?  Low on the things I enjoy.  The only thing that really drove me was being part of something and not wanting to let down my coaches, my teammates and my family.

However when you are away from the team, you kind of lose yourself.  Most alumni at one point or another go off the deep end for a bit and I guess it’s my turn.  You end up cocky as hell when you graduate because you set yourself up as “OH THEY’LL MISS ME WHEN I’M GONE AND I’LL BE A KING FOR A DAY” until you realize that you are an idiot.  It’s not that they don’t care or miss you, it’s just….”YO DUDE WE’RE FRIENDS!”.

The team aspect is what really drove me.  I HATE the word “family”.  Instead though we were us.  That to me is so much more special.  No one can take away what it’s like to die in the heat, to freeze in the cold, to survive the workout and go through everything else together.  We, no matter how much you may or may not like the person next to you, those runs happened.

I’ll use a couple examples.  Brad was/is a good friend.  We lived together but we were a year or so apart in age.  Brad was a mid-distance guy and I was more of a “tweener”.  However, all of the best workouts I ever had was with Brad because our styles just complimented each other well.  I had various workout buddies and the best ones are the ones you never expect.  It’s great to find contrast.

Anthony was probably my best friend.  We were similar but we didn’t exactly workout the best together because well, we were too tight probably.  Jake and I worked out well together as well, but the dude could run a workout perfectly by himself or in a group of 10000.  Steve is the worst person in history (miss ya bud).

Drama

Someone gets on the wrong side of coach.  Someone ends up a team cancer.  Someone dates another teammate.  Someone really hates someone else and no one knows what to do.

You will miss all that shit.  You will miss getting screamed at.  Trust me, your coach (unless you are a shithead and deserve it) might yell at you but you always have the chance to be better.  Things might get lost in translation but for the most part, something is off.  In the real world, you get fired instead and end up unemployed, beaten down, bruised and writing a blog.

The people who you hate now on your team, and there’s always a couple, will be funny memories in two years.  You will learn to appreciate who they were even if they pissed you off.  I’ve had teammates get in trouble, ignore us, hate us, get cut from the team or even leave us shorthanded.  Now every single one of those is just hilarious.

Practice

The fact that it’s 3:53 now means I know exactly what’s happening.  It’s Wednesday so it’s likely a long run.  I’m willing to bet they did Caves and right now they are nearing the hill.  Maybe they did Crystal and are approaching the humpback hill.  Someone definitely suggested Topton or Pretzel Rod and were shut down.  There’s a couple people who took off early and there’s a couple who are really waiting for a piss break or stretch right about now.

You will, for the rest of your life, see 3:15 or 3:30 and know exactly what’s going on.  Then you realize that the importance of that is gone.

Meets

There are no pickup track meets.  You don’t get a group of guys who go “hey, let’s compete!” and do a Sandlot version of a track & field meet.  You will miss waking up too early, waiting all day for the 5k and everyone being pissed off at you because they just want to watch the 4×4.

Off Days

Scheduled days off are the best.  It’s awesome.  The best is when you get a week or so off in-between seasons and you always make big plans that never happen.  “DUDE we have two weeks off!  Let’s go to Infinnito’s each night and enter the NASA training program”.  We get so ambitious when we get off but instead we just sleep and actually do homework.

Scheduled days off are now called “holidays”.  There’s like only seven a year and three of them are smashed together at the end of the year.

What do you miss?

I Understand

10 Sep

Today is “National Suicide Awareness Day” (or National Suicide Prevention Day depending on what you have read) and it’s been a bit disappointing to here the lack of talk about it.  Granted we are in the middle of a pretty furious news cycle with ISIS, Ray Rice and the 13th anniversary of September 11h all coming up; so there’s a lot going on in the world.

But I thought it would be best to bring up my personal experiences.  I’m not really good at this in all honesty but sometimes it’s part of the healing process to just bring up what troubles you.

When actor Robin Williams committed suicide, I watched my Timeline fill up with remembrances, tributes and condolences/prayers to the family.  You heard people ask “why” and also people go “let this be a reminder of the issue of mental health”.

I was a bit different.  Now, I’m not an expert.  I do not know Robin Williams and for me to play armchair analyst of his psyche could be considered an insult to his family, loved ones and psychiatrists in general.  But to me, I understood.  I was sad obviously, and I was never really a Robin Williams fan, but something about it made me feel like I knew him.  I didn’t quite feel like I was looking in a mirror; but I felt something.  Almost like I was on the same wavelength or at least had a fraction of an understanding why this occurred.

Depression I always thought was a vague term.  People assume depression is sad.  They assume it’s maybe even anger.  You hear the commercials and you hear the symptoms such as malaise and a lack of interest in your usual activities which makes it sound like a phase.

I think we all have our problems.  I think we all have different ways of coping.  I think we all could use a non-biased professional to talk our issues out over.

But I’m undiagnosed.  I’m just me.

So here’s where I begin.  I believe depression is acting.  I believe depression or mental illness (on a much more bigger scope) is almost acting.  Not that it’s fake, but I feel fake.

I’m a genuinely pretty happy person.  I’m not really someone that stares outside the window like in the commercials or cries myself to sleep like the unfortunate stereotype of depression.  I’m more of a blank slate.

When I find something I enjoy, whether it’s something as simple as a song or as complex as U.S. foreign policy; I almost become manic.  I need to know every lyric, every move made, every little bit of progress and hear every cover by every band or artist.  I immerse myself completely into that hobby.  I write about it, I discuss it, I literally pour my heart and soul into it.

When someone isn’t the same way, I get frustrated.  Not at them, but at me.  You feel secondhand embarrassment and then you come down on yourself.  But then I find another hobby and I repeat everything again.  Look at my blogs, you can see when I’m fully invested into it as opposed to when I take a back seat to it.

When I watched Robin Williams do everything, I saw a man that put his heart and soul into it.  When I hear Ian Curtis of Joy Division sing, I feel his lyrics.  I hear the devotion, I hear the care, I hear the complete sensation of being locked in.

Then I realize what happens when sometimes it goes away.  I’ve put my heart and soul into a few things that have recently ended.  College, old jobs, relationships amongst other things.  They all have kind of ended at once and now I’m home in Jersey wondering where the next step is.

The thing is, my mind is not engaged and therefore; I quit.  I didn’t give up on it; it just kind of all left me at once.  So I’m still in that phase where I want to be a captain, or a good friend or a person that immerses themselves into the things they love.  I want to be part of it because that was when I felt like me.  I miss a title.  The intern, the boyfriend, the captain, the leader, the drinker, the laughter, the rah-rah guy in the huddle.  I don’t like being the (insert).

So then you find vices.  For some it’s drugs.  For others its alcohol.  Some others have less lethal ones such as writing, painting, really anything that you can keep your mind off the fact that you just can’t get over it.  With Robin Williams, who I need to keep going back to; I genuinely felt like there was the fear of failure and maybe losing relevance with the guilt of finding vices.  That’s a horrific judgement for me to make but that’s how I perceive it because I know the feeling.  At least that feeling.

I know I’m bungling this as I’m not being very consistent and forth telling.  But I guess that illustrates how hard it is to really explain what happens.  It’s hard to explain who I am.

But others don’t get that.  “Talking” is sometimes the most painful thing for a person to do.  You don’t want to be perceived as a sad sack.  However, one talk never really figures it out.  You always catch yourself thinking of new things that you wish you would’ve said in the earlier conversation.  I’ve been on the other end.  I know what its like when someone keeps constantly talking to you about their problems and you just want to say “get over it”.  It’s human nature.

However, all environments are different and that’s why human nature isn’t a really phrase that matches up.  Nature isn’t simple.

The one thing I wish we could all do is shut up.  If we all listened or made ourselves open to listening, the world could be a better place.  Put yourself into another person’s shoes, of course they want to talk.  Sometimes they want to SCREAM.  But you don’t want to rain on the parade and hell I’ve been there before too.  Sometimes you just want to break down.  Sometimes you just wish that person WON’T break down.

Suicide is never the answer as much of a cliche as that is.  However, I can never guarantee that your life will be the most blessed one on this Earth.  There will be horrible things to happen.  There also will be great ones.  But if you aren’t around, you don’t get that chance to have the possibility of it getting better.

When I was in middle school, I was a bully and the bullied.  I just didn’t know how to do it.  I was part pain in the ass, part quiet kid in the corner, part joking kid that no one laughed at (that part hasn’t changed if you ask some) and part athlete.  I was the best soccer player in our gym class but was the second-to-last pick of all the boys my age in sixth grade.  I was the kid that sat with younger kids at the lunch table, partially because I was awkward but partially because what the fuck else was I to do.  I sat with kids who weren’t my friends and just begged to be accepted.  It’s a hard sell because I’m not being the person I am.  I am much more confident now though, once I got that fresh start that some others just don’t get.

Depression is acting though.  It’s putting on a face, it’s playing a role that isn’t you the person.  It’s part acceptance, part not accepting.  It’s an illness.  Not a mood.  It afflicts everyone.  The jock, the comedian, the singer, the artist, the sad one, the angry one, the conspiracy theorist, the believer, the atheist, the theist; you name it, they got it.

All you need to say is, I understand.  All you need to do is listen.  A five-minute chat can help but it won’t change the course of life.  It takes time.

I understand.

The Best & Worst Things About Kutztown – Version 2.0

10 Jul

UPDATE:  Here’s some other links you might find interesting since I’m now popular for a day.  Here’s why your major sucks and best yet, here’s my graduation speech for those who want something mildly serious and less caps lock.  Also let’s be friends, add me on Twitter @JoeD10k.  Just cause.

Well, well, well.  In typical “my luck” fashion, my earlier blog post about the best and worst things about Kutztown University is being read excessively.  Thankfully I’m viral in the sense that people are sharing my shit, not that I have come down with HPV.  It only took a year and a half after it was posted but fuck it; it’s a win.

Mini-disclaimer:  I am not making fun of the KU Lacrosse teams when I make fun of lacrosse players.  I’m not even making fun of real lacrosse players because they could kick my Division II cross country running ass in literally three blinks.  I’m making fun of the stereotype of the “LAX BRO” who is more known as a bro as opposed to a lacrosse player.  I apologize to all four who were offended.

Anyway, I thought that now would be a time to do a sequel to the first post and like all sequels; it’ll probably be a let down.  But instead of picking just Kutztown University, I thought it would be great to look at the town itself.  Nowadays I’m a TOWNIE as opposed to a lonely South Jersey student so I have a pretty decent pulse at what goes on here.  Also, I graduated so I really shouldn’t be writing about this place still.

But you read it, so it works.

THE BEST ABOUT KUTZTOWN:

  1. Check this shit out.  We got a GIANT supermarket in town.  I know there’s like five hundred local PA towns that can say the same thing but Kutztown usually doesn’t get these big-named franchises so I guess I can relate to how the Cavaliers felt when they first drafted LeBron.  Totally comparable.
  2. “OH MY GOD WE GOT A DUNKIN TOO” :proceeds to fingerblast self with an Avalanche foam finger:”.  I hate people who call it “Dunkin” because for some reason my mind pictures a big huge guy named Duncan that all of these folks are going to.  But talk about a trade, we went from an American gas station to a straight Dunkin Donuts.  Can we trade the old Video/Video rental place next to CVS for a Five Guys?
  3. Happy Hour deals.  Listen to this.  At Shorty’s you can get a pizza for $3.00 during Happy Hour.  Sure, it’s LIKELY a Lunchables pizza spread but who can pass up that kind of deal? They could put Lily of the Valley on a pizza and I’d still buy it for $3.00.
  4. Pretzel Revolution.  Sure it’s opened hours are usually 1:11pm to 1:22pm but when you catch it open, it’s a gourmet of clogged arteries.  Franchise it.
  5. Mama’s After Hours.  Honestly, if you were to describe an overarching Kutztown memory that every single student has, it’s ordering at Mama’s from midnight to 3am most weekends.  Everyone looks like Neymar after he got his vertebrae kicked in (and walking similar to him) but happiness is not a warm gun but a slice of slightly cooked Mama’s at 2:15.
  6. The Potty Paper.  I believe the Kutztown Women’s Center (I apologize if I got the name wrong) is responsible for this but I seriously haven’t read a calendar of activities more in my life than yours.  Sure, it’s because it’s awesomely located (perfect eye level) but really because I can never got those riddles right.  It’s like the ice cream stick ones but ADVANCED.
  7. Birthday Cake Ice Cream At South.  Holy shit that’s delicious, I know you don’t make it but good on you South Dining Hall.  Next time I get e.Coli from the grill, I’ll remember how delicious that ice cream was.
  8. Chef Dan.  Isn’t he gone or something?  Why did he get name rights to the center at all time?  I still this guy advertised.  He’s like our homegrown star, we raised him back when he was just handing out Mashed Potato Boxes and now he’s a supernova.
  9. Oreo Flurry Milkshakes From Mark’s.
  10. Young Ones Records.  Though I could never find a Strokes CD there, I don’t care because they literally have everything there including those generic porn star posters (the ones that don’t show any nudity) that the lax guy has down the hall.  (note:  I’m not making fun of all lacrosse players and porn stars).
  11. Kutz Patty’s Day.  Sure it’s not a real thing.  Hell, it’s literally the worst attempt ever at trying to do something for the day but man was everybody happy.  It was like they didn’t even go here or something.
  12. The Athletics Crew – Shout out to Radar.
  13. The food at the Pub.  Have you not eaten there?  You are missing out padowan.

THE WORST

  1. The Winter.  HEY FUN FACT, DID YOU KNOW THAT WINTER GOES FROM NOVEMBER TO THE LAST WEEK OF APRIL HERE?
  2. The Graveyard House.  I lived there.  I’d rather live in the cemetery.
  3. Kutztown Parody Twitter Accounts.  Man you are terrible.  “HEY GET IT, YOU KNOW YOU GO TO KUTZTOWN WHEN YOU ARE ENROLLED HERE”.  Ohhhhh boy, future king of comedy right there.  (Note:  I literally do the same shit here).
  4. Takeout’s Prices.  Hey want a 6-pack?  Sure.  OK GOOD NOW FIFTY DOLLARS FOR THIS KEYSTONE LIGHT.
  5. Wei$.
  6. “Sorry an error has occurred” should still be the name of myKU.  Did you know that Kansas University’s version of myKU was “Kyou”.  So glad, Kutztown never did that.
  7. Another Fun Fact:  Did you know that 5% of Kutztown walkways are actually Durex condoms?  I got nothing against it, I’m just saying how the hell did a condom end up in front of Lytle Hall?
  8. Lytle Hall.  It’s almost like it’s Kutztown’s experiment to see if students can survive without air conditioning.
  9. DeFran.  It’s almost like it’s Kutztown’s experiment to see if students can live with asbestos.
  10. Commencement.  Every single graduation I’ve been to (2) has opened up with MC Cevallos going “Commencement is the act of commencing”.  Plus, I went to Kutztown University of Sweatstainsylvania there :no one laughs:.
  11. I know it’s not the town’s fault, but is there a singular more depressing thing on campus than when the fountains get turned off?  Everything becomes Schindler’s List after that.
  12. Same goes when the corn gets cut on the athletic fields.
  13. Surveys.  Lemme get this straight, if I do this survey, I can win a free ipad2 and small European nation?  FUCK YES I’LL DO IT (no one wins).
  14. Lockdowns where you HAVE TO STAY IN THE BUILDING.  I heard one three years ago, and I was convinced a school shooter was in town.  I know saying “this is a drill” ruins the desired effect, but if this happens at 5am; people will freak the fuck out.
  15. I’M SCHMACKED.  What the fuck is this and how come I’ve heard that they were coming for a year and still nothing?  I guess everyone who got them to acknowledge us dropped out.
  16. Lack of Concerts.  I know, I know, the budget doesn’t allow for a certain amount of money to be spent on live performances.  Don’t blame the people who are doing the best they can to schedule.  But it’s only a matter of time before KU slashes the budget more and we are all forced to pay $20 Bear Bucks to see KEVIN RUDOLF FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY.

The Top Places To Eat In Kutztown

27 Mar

Still unemployed and stuck in Kutztown!

Well, I decided to do another personal quest and this is hilarious considering my last blog post was basically “DOWN WITH LISTS” and here I am doing a list.  But this list is different.  It’s a ranking of all the food places in Kutztown, Pennsylvania because we have a lot of them.  Isn’t that great logic for wanting to make a post about it?  I bet Adam Levine has a blog post of all the STDs he has.

Anyway, without further adu; here is a completely biased, partial and partisan list of the top food places in Kutztown to go to.

  1. Betty’s –  Betty’s is the best.  That is without a question and without a doubt.  Betty’s has the best wraps in the area and you don’t have to sell your blood plasma to afford them (looking at you Kutztown Tavern).  I am a big fan of the chicken and cheese wraps but they also supply you with local Kutztown soda.  How small town of them!  The only downside is that there’s a 90% chance Zooey Deschanal would eat here if she were a KU student which is a real bummer.  Oh well, Betty’s is the best.
  2. Uncle Joe’s Pizza – Kutztown is overflowed with pizza establishments and everyone knows the corner spot by campus is fool’s gold.  I’ve had three pizza places here and none have lasted.  But Uncle Joe’s is the best of all.  Affordable, friendly and a feeling that you can actually watch TV and have a conversation there is a big plus.  Great pizza too.
  3. Kutztown Tavern – Never been there because poor.  But everyone says its good and everyone was right about The Beatles.
  4. Camillo’s Pizza – Pricey compared to the other pizza places, but worth it.  Underrated happy hour though you hang out with the townies who I swear are convinced that Bruce Springsteen and Tom Petty are still current pop stars.
  5. Academic Forum – Best place to eat on campus.  The AF will destroy your flex account in two weeks flat but there’s a reason why there is never a table available.  Well, its small but its good!  Same logic applies to Emma Watson.
  6. Letterman’s – I imagine this is what it would be like to eat in Beijing where the crowds swallow you whole.   Great freakin’ pancakes though and could admittedly be higher.
  7. The Frying Dutchman – Maybe Dunkin Donuts won’t kill the Dutchman but its probably best you try some homemade donuts.  Beats that bicycle shop they had in town earlier.
  8. The Pretzel Revolution – Half of the time, the fresh pretzels would knock them up the list.  But the other half the time, the pretzels are pretty much similar to eating a tire with salt.  Tread with caution, always check out the display cases before judging.  The late-night people who eschew Mama’s for Pretzel Rev are the worst.
  9. Jaz & Nate’s Cheesesteaks – Love the cheesesteaks, but the prices are a bit up there.  Delivery people come on time though.
  10. Pop’s Malt Shoppe – Good deals, but since its just ice cream it doesn’t really count.  Awesome though.
  11. Mamma’s Delight – Gets the job done, whatever that means.  Decent pizza.  Pretty OK cheese steaks.  Cheapish.  The place to be from 10:30pm to 2:00am.
  12. Spuds – Not big into them.  Takes fifty minutes to get a damn order of fries.  Food is good and all, plus regionally famous (!) but uhh….
  13. Basin Street – Small sample size, but the food was OK.  Nice Happy Hour though and its always easy to just walk in and get food without too much of a hassle.
  14. South Dining Hall – Hi, I would like e.coli on a bun soaked with sweat please?  But its highly convenient.
  15. Airport Diner – Decent food.  Decent prices.  But you are permanently stuck with that feeling that all the townies think you are some Yankee for taking away their dining spot.
  16. Uptown Espresso Bar – Owned by that art student who asks all the questions in a gen ed class.
  17. Mark’s – They sell food I think.  All I remember that the Phi Beta Alpha Natty Light frat is always on that porch next to it.
  18. La Cocina – Never went there but I like the mascot.
  19. Pink Tac-Go – For the frat pledger who thinks its still funny to say they ate some pink taco last night.  RIP Main Street Cafe.

Its kind of pointless to rank Subway in here.  Also I tried to stay on Main Street or nearby so that new frozen yogurt place is sadly not around.  I also think it would be a good idea for some of these folks to encourage Bear Bucks usage.  I still don’t know what Mark’s sells and I’m sure I’m missing out on something half decent here.  I will gladly change my rankings if free food is offered.