Whose ready for some turkey and stuffing, y’all? Not me! We are eating Domino’s Pizza tonight because hashtag poverty, but don’t worry; I will be looking at your Instagrammed food and secretly hating you whilst wishing I could be borrowed by your family for the evening. Then I work from 10pm to 9am because if there’s anything Americans like, its kind-of-but-not-really marked down items.
So while you are favoriting tweets about people not understanding the phrase “dysfunctional family”, waiting for your grandparents to give their two cents about Ferguson and ironically Black Friday shopping (what does that even mean), you are going to want to drink. Hell if I had any money, I’d be there already.
Another thing about Black Friday, I like how people go “Thanksgiving should be a time for families!”. Hey, I’m all for taking down Corporate America, but let’s not romanticize this holiday. Its based off the pilgrims taking a day off from genocide/raping. Also by the time you eat, the holiday is over. Its not like Christmas which has an Eve, a morning and a night. Thanksgiving has a meal. Once its over, you realize that you have to do this all over again in a month. By noon each year, I realize how we need alcohol to get away from this not embrace it.
With that being said, ITS TIME FOR THE EAGLES AND COWBOYS. If you are in either of the two markets for these two teams (from Allentown to Atlantic City for Philadelphia and the Cowboys being everywhere where people suck), you know that this is the second biggest rivalry behind Israel and Palestine. Remember this is a football game. A game where people cheer for debilitating mental illnesses. A game that literally means nothing to us. The Pee-Wee football game around the block (where Timmy gets his first concussion as his Dad tells him to toughen up while hiking up his waistband) literally matters the same.
But I’m watching and so are you. For those who are drinking, don’t drive but drink more.
As always 1 drink = 1 sip.
- Joe Buck gets complained about on social media.
- Troy Aikman demonstrates the importance of concussion testing by calling Mark Sanchez, Hugo Chavez.
- Dez Bryant’s “character issues” are discussed.
- Riley Cooper is shown on the sidelines sharing a meme on Facebook about looting.
- Mark Sanchez takes a second or two coming up after a hard hit and the camera quickly pans to Matt Barkley’s head perking up like a dog whose master just walked in the door.
- For no reason, they talk about Odell Beckham Jr’s catch.
- “Man THIS OFFENSE IS FAST”
- Jason Witten and Brent Celek are discussed as “hard-working” or “blue collar”
- Shot of a superfan just screaming even though we are going to commercial
- Chip Kelly is seen smirking after doing something particularly clever like telling Riley Cooper that the Redskins are changing their name to “riley him up”.
- The announcers do a weird bit talking about how thankful they are of one another.
- Nick Foles is seen wearing a sling with all the Eagles players signatures on it.
- Tony Romo throws into triple coverage even though the game just begun.
- Darren Sproles is described as “Sneaky”.
- LeSean McCoy “is just not having a Shady-type season”
- Brandon Weeden signs up for Medicare at halftime.
- Dan Bailey’s accuracy is referred to and then he misses a kick and its like “whoa, you don’t see that often!”
FINISH YOUR DRINK:
- Someone runs onto the field
- Jason Garrett gets pushed off the sidelines by Jerry Jones.
- Someone is wearing a Cowboy hat but no uniform at the game. They are just doing it because of Texas.
- A player is outed.
- Joe Buck tries to make a Kim Kardashian joke.
- A small skirmish happens on the field and the announcers go “well these two teams are rivals”.