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Thanksgiving Football Drinking Game: Eagles V. Cowboys

27 Nov

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Whose ready for some turkey and stuffing, y’all?  Not me!  We are eating Domino’s Pizza tonight because hashtag poverty, but don’t worry; I will be looking at your Instagrammed food and secretly hating you whilst wishing I could be borrowed by your family for the evening.  Then I work from 10pm to 9am because if there’s anything Americans like, its kind-of-but-not-really marked down items.

So while you are favoriting tweets about people not understanding the phrase “dysfunctional family”, waiting for your grandparents to give their two cents about Ferguson and ironically Black Friday shopping (what does that even mean), you are going to want to drink.  Hell if I had any money, I’d be there already.

Another thing about Black Friday, I like how people go “Thanksgiving should be a time for families!”.  Hey, I’m all for taking down Corporate America, but let’s not romanticize this holiday.  Its based off the pilgrims taking a day off from genocide/raping.  Also by the time you eat, the holiday is over.  Its not like Christmas which has an Eve, a morning and a night.  Thanksgiving has a meal.  Once its over, you realize that you have to do this all over again in a month.  By noon each year, I realize how we need alcohol to get away from this not embrace it.

With that being said, ITS TIME FOR THE EAGLES AND COWBOYS.  If you are in either of the two markets for these two teams (from Allentown to Atlantic City for Philadelphia and the Cowboys being everywhere where people suck), you know that this is the second biggest rivalry behind Israel and Palestine.  Remember this is a football game.  A game where people cheer for debilitating mental illnesses.  A game that literally means nothing to us.  The Pee-Wee football game around the block (where Timmy gets his first concussion as his Dad tells him to toughen up while hiking up his waistband) literally matters the same.

But I’m watching and so are you.  For those who are drinking, don’t drive but drink more.

As always 1 drink = 1 sip.

1 Drink:

  • Joe Buck gets complained about on social media.
  • Troy Aikman demonstrates the importance of concussion testing by calling Mark Sanchez, Hugo Chavez.
  • Dez Bryant’s “character issues” are discussed.
  • Riley Cooper is shown on the sidelines sharing a meme on Facebook about looting.
  • Mark Sanchez takes a second or two coming up after a hard hit and the camera quickly pans to Matt Barkley’s head perking up like a dog whose master just walked in the door.
  • For no reason, they talk about Odell Beckham Jr’s catch.
  • “Man THIS OFFENSE IS FAST”

2 Drinks:

  • Turducken
  • Jason Witten and Brent Celek are discussed as “hard-working” or “blue collar”
  • Shot of a superfan just screaming even though we are going to commercial
  • Chip Kelly is seen smirking after doing something particularly clever like telling Riley Cooper that the Redskins are changing their name to “riley him up”.
  • The announcers do a weird bit talking about how thankful they are of one another.
  • “Buttfumble”.

3 Drinks:

  • Nick Foles is seen wearing a sling with all the Eagles players signatures on it.
  • Tony Romo throws into triple coverage even though the game just begun.
  • Darren Sproles is described as “Sneaky”.
  • LeSean McCoy “is just not having a Shady-type season”
  • Brandon Weeden signs up for Medicare at halftime.
  • Dan Bailey’s accuracy is referred to and then he misses a kick and its like “whoa, you don’t see that often!”

FINISH YOUR DRINK:

  • Someone runs onto the field
  • Jason Garrett gets pushed off the sidelines by Jerry Jones.
  • Someone is wearing a Cowboy hat but no uniform at the game.  They are just doing it because of Texas.
  • A player is outed.
  • Joe Buck tries to make a Kim Kardashian joke.
  • A small skirmish happens on the field and the announcers go “well these two teams are rivals”.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Monday Night Football Drinking Game: Steelers V. Titans

17 Nov

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Be safe, don’t drive and you’ll turn the TV off by the 3rd Quarter.

1 Drink:

  • Steelers referred to as “blue collared”
  • Dick LaBeau is referred to as a “defensive guru”
  • Ben Roethlisberger is mentioned as overcoming adversity like being alleged of sexual assault is hard to come back from.
  • LeBron James is mentioned for little to no reason.
  • Jon Gruden laughs really hard at a defensive player running with the football.

2 Drinks:

  • Chris Berman talks about Ferguson, Missouri.
  • “Selfie” is said.
  • Ben Roethlisberger is “sneaky fast”.
  • “Elite”
  • The Steelers defense is described as “tough”
  • La’Veon Bell smokes weed on the sidelines.

3 Drinks:

  • Well-timed shot of Ben Roethlisberger looking at the cheerleaders.
  • Todd Haley says a racial slur.
  • Mike Tirico laughs so hard at a Jon Gruden joke that you wonder if something happened like Gruden forgot to wear pants.

FINISH YOUR DRINK:

  • A player is outed by a sideline reporter.
  • Antonio Brown does a funny little dance.
  • Jon Gruden talks about fantasy football.
  • The guy from Sport Science explains sexual assault.

Enjoy.

The Riley Cooper / Mark Sanchez Sitcom You All Wanted

4 Nov

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With the recent injury of Philadelphia Eagles starting QB Nick Foles; America is finally getting their wish.  Mark Sanchez is BACK as an NFL starting quarterback.  This news tickles me in a good way.  I caved into public demand (aka my own thoughts) and wrote a pilot for a sitcom starring Sanchize and Riley Cooper.

Take it away.

{Theme song plays.  Its the instrumental of “Chicken Fried” by the Zac Brown Band but with latin-influenced drums.  This is supposed to signify the culture clash that is ongoing in the Eagles locker room.  By the way, this isn’t racist.}

:Scene begins with Nick Foles, of course played by Jon Heder, limping out of the locker room and talking to Chip Kelly (played by any small-town varsity football coach) and Riley Cooper (played by the lesser famous Hemsworth brother):

Nick Foles: “Coach Kelly, it’s not looking good.”

Chip Kelly: “Then stop looking mirror, how’s shoulder?” (to signify the fast-paced offense, Chip Kelly doesn’t use words like “the”…also Nick Foles isn’t good looking).

Foles: “Cracked.  Out six to eight weeks according to Adam Schefter of ESPN.”

Kelly: “whoplaysnow?”

{mariachi music plays}
{Connor Barwin turns it off}

Riley Cooper: “Ah puhlease nah.” (spits chewing tobacco in spitoon with President Obama’s face in the bottom)

Kelly: “easy. Riley. Remember. Goodell.”

Cooper: “Is dere any one else?  Don’ let me catch passes from that sombrero. I will fight ev’ry backup here bro. Isn’t Kafka still around?”

Kelly, Foles: “good question”

(Matt Barkley, portrayed by Aaron Carter, keeps trying to inch into view but the camera keeps zooming in so all you see is his right ear)

Kelly: (loosens elastic waistband on “khaki” pants) “got one choice”

Cooper: (who is wearing a sleeveless shirt with an American eagle’s face over an American flag) “AAGHHHHHH”

(Mark Sanchez comes in, portrayed by Taylor Lautner)

Mark Sanchez: “sup?”

Foles: “you’re in bud”

Cooper: “there goes another ‘murican job lost to some ferner”

Sanchez: “dude, I’m from Southern California”

Cooper: “that mig’t as well done be Ma-hee-co you librul”

Sanchez: “kinda racist.”

(Nick Foles does that thing where you take your wrist and tilt it from side to side to signify “maybe”)

Cooper: “listen uh-mee-go.  you throw. I catch. This ain’t masked wrasslin’ or cartel work. This is the ‘merican Football League.  You’all might come aroun’ these parts and steal our jobs and make men murry other men, but this is still the Eagles of America and Philadelphia”

Sanchez: (cockily smirks, takes off his shirt for no reason and gestures his girlfriend who is the oldest daughter on Modern Family)

Cooper: (puts piece of straw in his mouth) (takes it out) “STEALIN’ OUR WOMIN!  THAT’S IT!”

(a HUGE fight breaks out.  Like a little too much but the tension is high.  Cooper has tackled Sanchez.  DeMeco Ryans with a torn Achilles tendon just destroys Zac Ertz who was just walking across the middle of the locker room.  Barwin is Snapchatting the whole thing with commentary.  LeSean McCoy is busy running into the offensive lineman who are trying to break it up.  No one notices that Darren Sproles, by the way, is talking to Sanchez’s girlfriend and they go to Auntie Annie’s.  Kevin Hart is playing Darren Sproles).

Kelly: “BOYS THATS IT”

(the fight ends and the locker room is like cleared immediately)

Sanchez: “where’s Jenny?”

Cooper: “Jenny….I though’ she’d be more of a Selena”

Cody Parkey (played by himself): “Sproles took her out and….” (no one lets the kicker finish)

Cooper: “ahh….he stole my girlfrand too.  you know Sanchy Claus, you aint dat bad”

Sanchez: “thanks, Riley”

Cooper: “de nada”

(They share a laugh and make eye contact.  They slowly nod at each other to signify understanding)

Cooper: “les go win some football…not futbol”

(Montage occurs.  It is just nothing but play-action deep balls thrown between Sanchez and Cooper.  Seriously not a single play was run besides that for the rest of the montage.  Cooper makes sure to get both feet in bounds which is a diss towards DeSean Jackson that literally no one gets but him.)

Cooper: “Ya know….the rest of you should act like you”

(Episode fades to black)

Katy Perry To Perform Super Bowl Halftime Show

10 Oct

Good news out of the NFL.  Pop star Katy Perry (you may have heard of her) will be performing the Super Bowl Halftime show this February.

This is good news because it continues to prove, in my opinion, that the NFL is ready to embrace women again.  Women and the NFL have a pretty complicated relationship lately, and that dates back to Janet Jackson’s “indecent exposure” (which I rated as “decent” but I guess the FCC is uncomfortable with non-white nudity unlike me who is kind of well-known amongst my friends as an equal rights warrior) about a decade ago.

Afterwards the NFL picked a variety of artists that proved they were the type of guys that likes to wear bands T-shirts (as long as they kept them on).  We got to see Bruce Springsteen and the rural junior varsity equivalent of him (Tom Petty) which was short on time but high on American spirit (this was before we elected a Kenyan to the White House and enjoyed America for what it the founding fathers wanted).

Then to appease the British for going into Iraq with us (and to help support a future London franchise) we got Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones and the Who; which ranked as boring, exciting and upsetting in that order.  It was very smart of the NFL to tab the Who because it warned NFL players who were considering toughening it out through another year of concussions to hang it up before you ended up singing Baba O’Reilly and not knowing quite why.

Of course though the NFL, always looking to market to the younger demographic, chose Madonna which was about as close to royalty as America can get (unless the Commander-in-Chief named Barack Hussein Obama who will remain nameless) and then we got the Black Eyed Peas.

The Black Eyed Peas revolutionized the game of football as the NFL adopted Will.I.Am to be the new FOX robot.  Roger Goodell also probably wished he would’ve just sang “Where Is The Love” when consulting with Ray Rice and his wife on how long he should be suspended.  The Black Eyed Peas let Slash come on stage too which just in my opinion saved rock and put it into a medically induced coma until Gene Simmons called it dead.  It propelled the Black Eyed Peas from a small, underground indie group into a group that shortly broke up afterwards.

Then there was Beyonce which inspired Thought Catalog to become a website afterwards.

The NFL last year had a stroke of genius by selecting Bruno Mars, the first ever house elf to perform at the Super Bowl (he wasn’t a distraction by the way which I know some people were worried about) and then for white fans uncomfortable with R&B; they picked the Red Hot Chili Peppers to act as a sort-of translator.  This was a very intelligent and shrewd move on the NFL and proved that they genuinely care about their straight white male fans, something that they get accused of not doing enough for just my opinion.

But now Katy Perry which probably will have a million GIFs of her almost popping out of her shirt (I won’t be searching these just so you know, I mean why would I objectify someone like that I can’t believe you are implying that already #heforshe I guess doesn’t apply to men) and more missed notes than me in College Algebra (my mom just laughed) my sophomore year.

However, I’m pretty excited and not because of the reasons I stated above.  I can’t possibly suggest that.

The Begollster’s Icy Hot Takes On The Philadelphia Flyers – Oct. 8th

8 Oct

I had someone come up to me and suggest a new column about the Philadelphia Flyers.  Since I’m a Flyers fan, I naturally ran with this and I really could care less if you don’t care.  You can read a post on Harry Potter instead.  Oh and welcome the Begollster to Satirical Thoughts and follow us on Facebook and Twitter. 

For the bros,

Yeah so here it is. Hockey season is upon us brahs. That’s right, get your damn ass off the couch call Direct TV, get that NHL Center Ice what ever. Or get some donuts for the game on the cable box. Either way, we all know its hockey time. Time foe people to call the Flyers fighters not skaters, Canadians to self-combust cause Ryan Kesler isn’t a Canuck anymore, Rangers fans to say something idiotic (Islanders are irrelevant), and for the Red Wings to have a dramatic comeback. Let the puck drop on a new season, of the greatest sport on Planet Earth.

Quick about me: I grew up in South Jersey and became very attached to the Philadelphia Flyers of course. Few things first, Lindros is my favorite ever other than Giroux (Richards can def suck a d); I really like Berube as the head coach and Hextall as GM. And lastly Crosby is a bitch.

This preseason splurge of nonsense is my strong takes on the upcoming season. These picks are intense, scolding hot, borderline fire.  I tell ya, any hotter and and Crosby’s balls would drop. So I hope you are ready for it. Game time is upon us.

 

IcyHOT TakeSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

  1. Claude Giroux wins the Hart Trophy.
    1. Yes I know he stumbled last season in the beginning and fell into that horrific slump, but lets be real for a minute. He had 6 points in the first 12 games. For a player of his status that is bad. In comparison Crosby had 21 points. If Giroux can even get anywhere near 20 in the first month, the trophy is his.
  2. Berube needs effective lines.
    1. God help us if your first line can’t get points. At a time last season there was a set of games where the first line scores 0 points. Dude 0. That’s embarrassing. Mix it up, pair Giroux with Simmonds and yes we will score. Damn.
  3. Sean Couturier. LOLZ. Grow the BEARD.
    1. My dude step it the hell up. Yes defense is in the game too, but c’mon man you need to play two-way hockey. I think last season brain dead Chris Pronger could have produced more offense than you did. Please, you’re a talented skater lets see it man. Play two-way hockey just like CONWAY.
  4. Shayne Gostisbehere will be king of the rookies.
    1. Yes my dude from Union College will be the defensive rookie of the year. The kid can flat out play hockey. He is a Shea Webber esque type of defenseman to be. WATCH OUT. Get on the train now.
  5. Simmonds will have a break out year.
    1. We all know that yes this man can skate. He proved it the last two years. This man is set to have a brilliant year. He can score, assist and fight. Give this man credit where credit is due.
  6. Three Flyers of some value will be traded: (ranked in order of most likely to be gone) Vinny LeCavalier, Jason Akeson, Jake Voracek/Sean Couturier.
    1. I hate to see any of these guys go, but the Flyers are gearing up to reload. I can see them going after an Evander Kane or even a Tyler Seguin. The ultimate prize would be that stud from Cherry Hill, NJ that plays in Ottawa BOBBY RYAN.
  7. Steve Coates.
    1. Simple. You da man.
  8. Tickets $$$$$$$$
    1. I’m sorry Flyers corporate. Do you not want me to attend a game? Mezzanine tickets at $49. Are you kidding me? I could get like two Devils tickets for that. The rent is too damn high.
  9. RANGERRANGERRANGERPITBUTMOSTLYRANGERFANS.
    1. God I hate you all. You are uneducated in the sport of hockey and I hate your team. And come on St. Louis has been apart of your organization for ONE year. Are you mental? Assistant captain and not Lundquist. You really make me laugh sometimes. BTDUBS, JETER is overrated you’re welcome.
  10. Last but not least.
    1. I pray the Flyers have a competitive year this year, and for Pronger to be able to sleep at night.

 

Ight peeps, that’s it my first blog blog. Just a few concluding thoughts. Please disregard stupidity in my obscene love for the Flyers. It’s a passion just like you got for your team. We all love Hockey not Canada lets be real lol jk. Much love. BEGOLLSTER.

 

P.S. Column for the year.

“WHY I HATE BARRY MELROSE”

IGHT, Barry is a wunderkind that was given a great team for 2 years and than stopped coaching. Yet your insight is still heavily influenced by the Flyers west, you do bring great arguments to the table; you’re just broadcasted on ESPN unfortunately. They hate hockey therefore make you look foolish brah. Its all-good cause we all have those days. You’ll get over it.

 

A Working Timeline Of Athletes Charged With Domestic Abuse —- And Competing

8 Sep

I started earlier today that the Baltimore Ravens showed zero spine today in taking THIS long to do something about Ray Rice.  I still hold firm to that but guess what, to pretend that the Ravens and the NFL are the only ones who have problems with domestic abuse would be completely wrong.  Unfortunately, all the major sports have that same issue of literally “win at any cost” (unless there is video evidence that the population sees then you MIGHT get released).

2014:  Greg Hardy of the Carolina Panthers was found guilty of threatening to kill his former girlfriend.  Hardy is still on the active roster of the Carolina Panthers and appealed with a trial starting in November.

Ray McDonald of the 49ers was charged with felony domestic violence last week, immediately after the NFL’s new guidelines on punishing players for domestic abuse.  McDonald played in Week 1.  Case is ongoing.

Boxer Floyd Mayweather was sued by an ex-girlfriend claiming Mayweather abused her and pointed a gun and threatened to pull the trigger on him.  This is just the latest in several allegations and incidents against Mayweather, who served jail time for domestic abuse.  Mayweather continues to fight in all states.

2013:  NASCAR driver Travis Kvapil was charged with assault and false imprisonment against his wife Jennifer.  Kvapil was allowed to race that weekend, pled guilty to charges in January and has a ride with Go FAS Racing for 2014 after not having a ride for the season-opening Daytona 500.

2012:  Dallas Cowboys WR Dez Bryant was charged with a misdemeanor of domestic abuse after slapping his mother across the face.

2008:  Pittsburgh Steelers LB James Harrison faced domestic violence charges after allegedly slapping his girlfriend across the face and snapping her cell phone in half.  Charges were dropped by his girlfriend.  Harrison stayed with the team though backup WR Cedrick Wilson was cut after similar charges.

2007:  Now Chicago Bears WR Brandon Marshall’s history of domestic abuse began in 2006.  Marshall did earn a suspension in 2008.

2006:  Then Philadelphia Phillies starting pitcher Brett Myers was charged with abuse after punching his wife Kim in the face and allegedly dragging her by the hair.  The charges were later dropped though Myers was treated as a celebrity by the police officers.  Myers started his next start (the VERY next day) and then took a leave of absence.

2001:  Seattle SuperSonics F Ruben Patterson was charged with trying to rape the family nanny.  In 2002, Patterson would be charged with domestic abuse and his new team the Portland Trail Blazers fined him after his wife dropped the charges.

2000:  Colorado Rockies pitcher Pedro Astacio was charged (and pled guilty) after hitting his pregnant wife.  He started Opening Day.

Colorado Avalanche goalie Patrick Roy was charged with domestic violence after an argument with his wife.  Charges were later dropped.

1995:  Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox was charged with simple battery after allegedly pulling his wife’s hair.  Cox would appear at a press conference the next day with his wife to deny the charges and continued managing the team.

 

Need help for this with limited time, so please; let’s map this out and show sports lack of punishment for domestic violence.

The Ravens and NFL Are Both Spineless Hacks

8 Sep

Fuck Ray Rice first and foremost, but that has been the modus operandi for anyone who had a shred of dignity within themselves.  It goes without saying that the dude who knocks out a woman in the elevator, drags her unconscious body out of said elevator and claims that it was self-defense deserves a giant fuck you.  That takes no guts, no “cajones” nor spine to say such things.

It also takes no spine to release the guy after the fact as it’s just simply the right thing to do.  However if you wait four months after the fact when video of what happened inside the elevator to make any type of move whatsoever; you go down in history as enabling, spineless tools who should not be praised in any regard whatsoever.

For those who are unaware, and I’m sure a few might be still, the Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice (formerly of Rutgers); was suspended for two games after video evidence showed him dragging her unconscious body out of an elevator after punching her.  Rice’s suspension was criticized by practically everybody (except those douches on Yahoo message boards who probably still use the phrase “gold digger”) and criticism was so high that the NFL finally created a “two strikes, your out” policy on domestic abuse.

Still it wasn’t enough as Week 1 of the season ended and the thought that Rice would be playing shortly was still a topic of conversation.

Until this morning when TMZ released video of what happened in the elevator.  After seven hours, the Ravens cut Rice.

But the NFL really didn’t have access to a video TMZ had?  I know TMZ has some pretty seedy connections, but you honestly tell me a billion dollar “non-profit” (yeah the NFL doesn’t give a shit about taxes) didn’t have any way of seeing this video?

But you know what fuck it, did you really need video evidence of what happened?  You had a police report, the aftermath and both parties admitting that an incident did occur in the elevator.  Is the NFL’s (and the Ravens) strategy really going to be “look, hitting your fiance is bad but you’ll get a reprieve unless video evidence comes out”?

What kind of message is that period?  Most homes don’t have video cameras, so if Ray Rice did this at home would he have been playing in two weeks or maybe even sooner?  Would the NFL allow his fiance (now wife) to talk about the incident to their commissioner DIRECTLY IN FRONT of the man who abused her?  Would the Ravens have tweeted “she is sorry for her actions that night” as if that was the big fucking deal?

This is all messed up that in a society in which we seem to be A-OK with “innocent until proven guilty unless you are the accuser otherwise you are just seeking attention and ruining his career”, oh wait…it does fucking fit with the mindset of a lot of people.

Okay, kudos for the Ravens for doing the only sensible thing four months too late.  I guess they could’ve kept him for a bit longer.

But don’t give them praise.  They did what they “HAD” to do at this point.  It took no anything.  In fact, I’m almost just as disgusted now as I was the day before about this situation.

I’m sure Ray Rice has probably not run his last carry in the NFL; not full-proof positive but reasonably sure.

Guess what in the NFL, you are safe unless videotaped doing it.  Police reports and aftermath videos be damned.