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Anonymous Scouting Report: White Linebacker

18 Oct

Tonight’s installment is brought to you by Jamil Larkins, a writer for StraightFresh.Net and you can follow him on Twitter @Jamil_SF.

Name:  Chad White

Position:  Middle Linebacker

College:  Pennsylvania State University

Height:  5’11, 235 Pounds

Positives: 

Reminds me of a Spike Hammersmith mixed with Ivan Drago. Instinctual. Great hips.  – Mike Mayock

This guy is a tackling machine. When you talk about a throwback player, a guy that laces his cleats up one foot at a time and runs around the field and makes plays, this guy is at the top of that conversation. – Mel Kiper, Jr.

Now lemme tell you something. This guy might not be the best athalete in the country, but he possesses the inequivocal skill and grace to lead his teammates through actions. Watch how what he do on the field translates into efficacious and boombastic emotion in the locker room. The loudest one in the room, is the weakest one in the room. Glory be to god. – Ray Lewis

Wears his pants around his navel and shows up on time for team meetings. And you people wonder why he’s gonna be a top 5 pick. – Don Lemon

WHITE AND TOUGH AS NAILS. I LIKE HIM. Nicknamed him Tackleback cuz he tackles backs. – Jon Gruden

 

Negatives:

Under-sized. Great upside.  – Todd McShay

He’s definitely not the biggest guy on the field, but he can break through the line like Ross broke out of the friend zone with Rachel. – Rick Reilly

Sometimes on the football field, the sun shines so bright that you gotta take a few plays to yourself. Hard as hell to catch that damn ball when you can’t see past your own hands. Wish I had one of the fancy visors that the youngbloods wear today. Can you repeat the question? – Michael Irvin

Not as fast as his black counterparts in this draft class. Instead of being covered in gang tattoos and wearing Jordan cleats, this guys wears his heart and team colors on his sleeve.  – Colin Cowherd.

 

Other Tidbits:

7.0 GPA and graduated in 3 years with a bachelor of science in Finance ….3 time Academic All-American….President of university Autism Speaks chapter….Nominee for the Bednarik Award….Once lifted a 2-ton boulder to save a child trapped in the Appalachian Mountains

Why This Is Bull:

The funny thing about this series is that though it’s a spoof, a lot of this is actually true. There have been countless amounts of white linebackers, especially from PSU, who fit the description of a hard-nosed ‘throwback’ guy. Brian Urlacher, Zach Thomas, Paul Posluszny, Dan Connor, Sean Lee, etc. You know, the guys with missing teeth, playing with a bloody cranium like Tyler Hansbrough (correct, who is also white), or break their finger off during the game and play down a digit.

In the changing times of the NFL, less-emphasis is being put on finding that “rock” of the defense at the middle linebacker position, so white guys who can’t run are being phased out of defenses everywhere. Unless you can cover the tight-end and blitz with the best of them, you can’t sneak by being slow, undersized, and having a high “football IQ” anymore. Luke Kuechly and Brian Cushing are the new breed of white defensive players, matching the skill set of guys like Demarcus Ware, Aldon Smith, Von Miller, Brian Orakpo and more. Catch up.

Anonymous Scouting Report: Black Quarterback

17 Oct

Name:  DeMarcus Thompkins

Position:  Quarterback

College:  California (PA) University of Pennsylvania

Height:  6’1, 205 Pounds

Positives:  

Game-changing speed.  – Todd McShay

Reminiscent of a young Randall Cunningham mixed with pre-dogfighting Michael Vick.  – Mike Mayock

Could revolutionize the Quarterback position as we know it today.  Thompkins has lightning speed, can really throw it deep and can burn you with a read-option.  He’s not the most cerebral prospect in college football today, but boy is he an athlete. – Mel Kiper, Jr.

Have you seen this guy on the field?  He lit up small school competition and looked like a man playing amongst boys. – Stephen A. Smith

Thompkins went to a small-school after rejecting numerous scholarships from Pac-12 and SEC teams.  Actually he transferred from University of Maryland, but according to TMQ that means he’s a weasel player who is only looking to better himself.  I’m actually conflicted how I feel about him as I had to pay my way through college and Thompkins probably got a taxpayer handout.  Great speed though, will it adapt?  – Gregg Easterbrook

Negatives:

Character concerns, transferred from Maryland likely due to conflicts with coaching staff and his mouth which can be a huge concern.  – Bill Polian.

Comparing DeMarcus Thompkins to Drew Brees is like comparing Benson to Breaking Bad. – Rick Reilly

Gets disgruntled if he doesn’t have success which really rubs off scouts the wrong way.  When the defense gives up a TD, you never of course see him taking blame which proves that he can be selfish.  No way he plays in Massachusetts.  – Bill Simmons

Will he adapt to the pro game?  Probably not.  Ridiculously undersized and he should probably change positions since he looks like a kick returner/wide receiver/change-of-pack running back.  – Bill Cowher.

Is a fan of LOL Rocky or whatever his name is.  Kids like this ruin the sanctity of our game, our country and our neighborhoods.  – Colin Cowherd.

BLACK.  Reminds me of Shaun King who I benched for Brad Johnson who won a Super Bowl.  – Jon Gruden

Why does the media keep salivating over prospects like this?  Reminds me of RG III, Michael Vick, Randall Cunningham, Colin Kaepernick, Kordell Stewart, Vince Young and Rev from Remember the Titans.  Can’t put my finger on it though.  – Rush Limbaugh.

Other Tidbits:

Transferred from Maryland to Cal (PA) to care for his ailing grandmother….4.0 GPA and graduated in three years in environmental engineering and went back for his Masters which he should get within the next year….Rhodes Scholar nominee….Ran for a school record of 1,500 yards in a single season and threw for 28 TDs vs. 5 INTs for the Vulcans….Nominee for the Manning Award.

Why This Is Bull:

Of course this is an exaggeration but this turns into a societal issue as well.  Jimmy Clausen is a well-known tool (well, I mean he looks the part!) and it was talked about a bit.  However, the buzz words surrounding him was more “entitlement” as opposed to talking about legitimate character concerns.  Look at all the grief McNabb, Newton and RG III get when they “speak their minds” as opposed to Tom Brady who yells at his WRs and gets called “passionate”.

The reason the QB position hasn’t been revolutionized is not just because the NFL catches up and adapts to various playing styles but also because idiotic GMs and head coaches get greedy when something keeps working.  Plenty of “lightning quick” QBs get hurt not just because of them running the ball but due to the insistence of not changing the offense.  RG III is literally being thrown to the wolves as he continues to recover and McNabb played through all the injuries that Ben Roethlisberger has had.  Yet the stereotypes prevail.

Anonymous Scouting Report: Black Wide Receiver

16 Oct

So last night, after probably years of talking about it I posted up a spoof scouting report on a generic white QB prospect.  The simple fact of the matter is that hired pundits and scouts basically revert to same buzzwords when it comes to players.  Since there is a very little chance that these guys have actually broken down game film of all of these prospects (from Alabama to Akron to Slippery Rock); it seems only natural that you hear the same thing many times from different sources.  Except Colin Cowherd because he probably thinks Ricky Baker was going to end up like Booby Miles.

Well it turned out to be pretty popular but I couldn’t keep doing it and my good friend Jamil decided to add in his own scouting report of a black WR.  Jamil writes for StraightFresh.Net and you can follow him on Twitter @Jamil_SF.  To read my report on a white QB, peep this out.  

Name:  Cornell Green

Position:  Wide Receiver

College:  Louisiana State University

Height:  6’3, 215 Pounds

Positives: 

This kid is unique. When you talk about a wide receiver with blazing speed and great athletic ability, well you talk about almost everyone in the NFL, but this guy is definitely in that conversation too. – Mel Kiper, Jr.

Dynamic athlete. – Todd McShay

He’ll play the Arnold to your team’s Phillip Drummond in the passing game. – Rick Reilly

He catch with his hands, just like he should. Just like I would. Ask Keyshawn. – Cris Carter

He does the one thing that I like the most: run fast and jump high. Go get that ball, BOY! – Jon Gruden

Negatives:

He’s got a top 5 skill set, but you’re gonna have to GRIND him off the field and MAKE him work. He’s not gonna do it on his own. -Mike Mayock

One of the things I noticed about this draft and this guy Green specifically, is the importance of character when drafting. You don’t want a guy with a lot of baggage and off the field issues. – Ron Jaworski

Low motor. When you talk about X’s and O’s, yea this isn’t your guy. But if you need a player to go out there and snag that deep ball sometimes and run pretty fast and give your team a spark with a funky dance in the endzone, draft this guy. – Mark Schlereth

He’s in my opinion, just like many others, still a developmental player. Not very coachable, surprising pick if you ask me. – Bill Polian

He can’t execute, from a cerebral aspect, an NFL offense. But man this guy can run. – Merrill Hoge

What happened to the guys who just run good routes and play the position, huh? You know, Wes Welker, Steve Largent, THOSE kinda guys. – Colin Cowherd

Other Tidbits:

NCAA Division 1 champion in the 100m dash jump relay…..majored in Sociology…..Was a member of his high school drumline, but then realized you can’t get paid to play the drums, really….Left college early due to pending case, no further comments given….Once met rap artist Lil’ Wayne, said it changed his life.

Why This Is Bull:

Throughout the entire NFL Draft process and institution, there are two main positions, in my opinion, that no matter how they are spoken about are hilariously racist: Black quarterbacks and wide receivers. Often times, it’s completely unintentional (that’s why it’s funny) to see guys like Jon Gruden marvel at the “blazing speed” and “leaping” ability of college athletes at these positions. Even if these guys are technically outstanding at their positions, two recent examples being RG III and AJ Green, their speed and ‘God-given ability’ (shout-out Boobie Miles) override those skills. Nevermind the great footwork or route running because BOY THOSE GUYS FLY AROUND THE FIELD!

Legal trouble, family problems, and pretty much everything possible that’s not football related can get classified into a player having “off-the-field issues” and becoming a liability. When it shouldn’t. If he’s a nice guy that plays football better than other people, go ahead and draft him and help him become a professional. Don’t worry what’s on his iPod or whether he can jump high enough to do a 360 windmill on the goal post after he scores. Draft me if you want exotic dunk maneuvers.

Anonymous Scouting Report: White Quarterbacks

15 Oct

In light of it being the middle of the NFL season, I thought this would be a neat thing to do.  Let’s take a look at every position (note:  I will likely not continue this) and list the same tired stereotypes that you hear self-proclaimed “draft experts” declare.  Its a simple exercise but you gotta love what you will hear.
Name:  Mike Webber

Position:  Quarterback

College:  Central Michigan

Height:  6’3, 225 Pounds

Positives:  

He’s a proven winner – Skip Bayless

Not the fastest guy out there, but he is cerebral enough to know when to use his legs – Mel Kiper, Jr.

Low on athleticism, high on heart.  A real gamer.  – Mike Mayock

Addicted to the film room, was a 5x winner of Habitat for Humanity’s “Great Man”, a true role model.  – Mark Schlereth

When other quarterbacks are carousing with loose women or paying off various mothers of offspring, Webber is a Boy Scout who in his spare time volunteers at the Pinewood Derby and I bet his fecal matter tastes like Nutella – Gregg Easterbrook

What George was to Seinfeld, Webber is to Chippewa Nation – Rick Reilly

Gritty – Pete Prisco

WHITE.  REMINDS ME OF BRAD JOHNSON.  – Jon Gruden

Negatives:

Game Manager – Todd McShay

Doesn’t force passes, man you can’t win with him but you certainly won’t lose – Bill Cowher

Spends too much time caring for the community, could work on his arm strength – Merrill Hoge

Hands off too much to his black running back instead of taking charge and throwing to his white slot receiver – Colin Cowherd

He’s game-ready now, but man he won’t likely change.  Still lots of heart – Bill Polian

Other Tidbits:

Had a sterling 4.0 GPA in Business Administration…..was President of Fellowship of Christian Athletes…..Father is a hedge fund manager and his mother was an All-State water polo player…..Threw for a school record 350 yards against Indiana University of Pennsylvania….Goal in life is to own his own business and marry a beautiful woman….Self-described fan of Luke Bryan and Tom Petty.

Why This Is Bull:

The negatives of most white quarterbacks (except Tim Tebow who just annoyed people after so long) is usually very passive aggressive.  You’ll hear things such as “game manager” which is just a very nice insult or “weak arm strength” but that is always counter-balanced with “cerebral” whatever the hell that means.  Even Blaine Gabbert probably had this said about him “he cowers at the sight of oxygen but he cracked the Dean’s List!” and millions of Americans nod their head in agreement.

Let’s be honest for a moment.  These guys are D1 quarterbacks, is there any doubt in their spare time they aren’t shotgunning Genny Lights, barely passing classes and not under the influence of Adderall like almost every other collegiate athlete?

The answer is “likely”.